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cleolinda
ONE MORE TIME: Breaking Dawn in Fifteen Minutes.

@made_of_fail: Episode Forty-Eight: And Then the Werewolf Fell In Love With the WAIT WHAT

@NoelCT: Want to hear me kinda sorta somewhat defend the Breaking Dawn and the Twilight series?

@NoelCT: Want to hear my impression of Edward Cullen as played by Christopher Walken? 

@NoelCT: Want to hear about all the tasty treats one can make from a strawberry flavored uterus? 

@NoelCT: Want to hear me explain the mechanics of male wet dreams to three women? Check out Made of Fail!

@cleolinda: I am also on it. RT @queenanthai: HEY GUESS WHAT episode is up http://made-of-fail-pc.livejournal.com/25442.html

Oh, this is also the one where I have a very controversial answer to the "Edward vs. Dracula" question. "IT'S NOT FAIR, BUT SHE WROTE IT THAT WAY!" Also, in the last ten minutes: how the Eggward story one of y'all told me explains why I still like the first movie more than any of the others.

Also, I remembered the "dirty question" someone asked poor Chris Weitz. Bonus: My turn on the Meet the Failcrew Q&A. Also-also: what happens when y'all don't write in for Mailbag Mondays.


@alliancesjr: THE FRIENDSHIP IS OVER. OOOOOVAAAAAAAAAAHHHH

@cleolinda: OVER 9000?


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I just thought you should know that my internet wife mutantjules has now conceded that she has to see Breaking Dawn after all because your m15m made her laugh so much. HOW DO YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT, MADAM? J'ACCUSE!!

...also, dunno if you saw this, but Film Crit Hulk takes on Twilight. Tl;dr to the MAX and kinda hard to read because of the capslock, but scarily accurate and articulate all the same. (Although that famous quote isn't really Stephen King, is it? That's a misconception?)

And re: Chris Weitz--he directed this other movie called A Better Life and we did a panel interview about it @ the museum where I work. He was there, as was the band who did the original song for the movie, and it was like "it's the director of the acclaimed About A Boy! Remember About A Boy? About A Boy was awesome!" and then one of the band guys was essentially like "man, I thought this movie was gonna suck because, you know, Twilight. But it didn't!" And I was like 'wow dude, you just totally talked about Fight Club.' And it was awesome. [/csb]

I was at a screening of the movie (A Better Life) where he did a Q&A after and I was totally waiting for someone to bring up New Moon--luckily, they didn't. Although that would have been fun/awkward to witness.

I lost it at "He shot first like Han Solo!" Just, about five minutes of nonstop laughter and now I'm laughing just thinking about it. Amazing. The "Horrify The Twilight Noob" of Eclipse will never be topped, though.

I don't know if I remembered to write in, but Breaking Dawn m15m made me cry with laughter. Thank you!

Also I saw this and thought you might enjoy it: I�m Going to See Breaking Dawn OR How A Smart, Independent, Educated Woman Learned to Love Twilight (http://girlslikegiants.wordpress.com/2011/11/23/996/). It's a PhD lit student talking about Twilight.

I loved MoF so much. But Christopher Walken!Edward slayed me.

SLAYED. I literally had to pick myself up off the floor.

Since it was in reference to something that apparently really happened on set, I'm hoping that take ends up on the DVD extras.

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I got to the bit with Walken!Edward while I was on a bus to my lab with 20 other people and I literally burst out laughing and EVERYONE stared at me. MOF is bad for my social life.

I really enjoyed that!

But I have to ask, is there a link with Stephenie Meyer saying Edward had never ejaculated? When I was in TwiFandom I was obsessive about Word of God, and it bugs me that I never saw that one.

I may have heard a garbled version of what she actually said, but my understanding was that she had said that because he hadn't done something, all his semen (I cannot believe I am having this conversation, but then, I guess I started it) remained in his body and was frozen when he became a vampire and had just been sitting around waiting for Bella. I KNOW I saw SOMETHING quoted somewhere, because I can see the web page in my mind; she may have simply been referring to sex and masturbation as things that didn't happen.

The really stupid thing is, he could have had all the sex in the world (or all the masturbation, like EVERY OTHER TEENAGE BOY) and still had whatever was on hand at the time (as it were) frozen in his vampire body. I mean, unless something had happened that MORNING or something. There was no need for her to drag in this TMI mess about anything that had or somehow had not happened before that. In fact, I wish she hadn't tried to explain anything "scientific" about vampire conception or chromosomes or whatever at all. They're VAMPIRES. A WIZARD DID IT.

Edward punching a shark? DO WANT.

A lot of Noel's "how Meyer's writing could have been better" points (actually endangering characters, why aren't vampires ruling the world, imprinting scenarios other than for eventual smex romance) are actually addressed in Alicorn's Luminosity. It's not nearly as awesome LOLtastic as the various fanfic scenarios you lot threw around, but I think you'd enjoy it. Tropes page here for your perusal: http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Fanfic/Luminosity

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I'm not surprised. OH, you mean... oh.

I like the idea of Edward never ejaculating or masturbating only because I can only imagine Emmett mocking him mercilessly over it. You know what I mean?

"Yo, Edward. You seem pretty into this Bella chick... you, uh, spend a lot of time... you know, THINKIN', about her, dude?"
"What? Emmett I don't know what you're implying by th... OH MY GOD EMMETT I CAN HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS WHAT IS THIS THAT YOU ARE ASKING ME."
"Dude! It's totally natural! It's ok! Everyone does it!"
"EMMETT THIS CONVERSATION IS FOUL AND INAPPROPRIATE AND I AM OFFENDED."
"Aw, come on bro! calm down! Edward! Come back!"
"NO, EMMETT I AM WALKING AWAY BECAUSE THIS CONVERSATION IS OVER AND ALSO I FEEL FUNNY."
"Loosen up, VIRGIN."
"SEXUAL DEVIANT!!!"

Noel's attempts to defend and present the text as less skeevy than it actually is (but could be, in some possible alternate universe) are valiant but, IMO, ultimately futile.

Yeahhhh. God bless, but if your argument is, "It could be okay if she had written it differently!" then it is not, in fact, okay. I spent more time not finishing grad school than most people do finishing it, and I spent too much time Close-Reading The Text as an academic concept to be having with this.

Oh, yay, you liked my story about my daughter screaming at Bella about Eggward during Eclipse! (She was 5 at the time, fyi.) Haha, she won't be going to see Breaking Dawn, just in case anyone is judging my parenting skills. The movies up to this point weren't anything you couldn't see on TV on any given night, and there was nothing in them that I felt we couldn't talk about and I couldn't adapt the conversation to make age appropriate. Breaking Dawn...not so much. I can't explain why Eggward's mouth is covered in uterus, God help me. It's like you say, Cleo, teachable moments.

And can I just say, I kinda love Noel.

You most certainly can say that. :)

I would never have even approached this series if it weren't for your brilliance and snark. I would never have made it through the books, the novella, the movies, and the utter fuckwittery without your guidance - you are also the Twilight Sherpa, apparently.

On a non-sparklepire note, I want that porcupine to be my pet soooo much. We could sit on opposite ends of my couch grumping at each other and trying to steal each others snacks. I want him.

The thing (okay, one of the many things) that skeeves me about the imprinting is that no, the imprinter won't always listen to the imprinted-on if they say they don't want a romantic relationship. When Sam imprinted on Emily, she rejected him repeatedly - he would visit her every day and she would still reject him. Eventually they got into an argument and he got upset, shifted without meaning to and mauled her.

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