MY INTERNET IS BACK WOOT.

So, if you missed the Lost premiere.... What basically happened was that Matthew Fox woke up in this bamboo forest and wandered out and found people wandering around staggering and screaming and bleeding on this beach amid plane wreckage and so of course there's a pregnant lady having contractions and some guy with a recently occurring severe leg lackage (MMM DINNER I LOVE PIZZA!), and Matthew Fox saves some lives but some moron gets Darwinned into the plane engine and vaporized and everything BLOWS UP REAL GOOD!, and Matthew's all like, Fuck that shit, and he goes back into the bamboo and has to get this random girl who is clearly his love interest (and weirdly reminds me of Kate Beckinsale for no good reason) to sew up the bamboo wound in his back, 'cause he's a doctor but he's not, like, that hardcore, and he's all like, "What's your name?," and she's like, "Kate!," and I'm like, "I KNEW IT!" And there's some weirdly possessive Asian guy who's telling his woman not to talk to anyone else, and there's some toenail-painting bitch who won't even eat a Snickers that her boyfriend lovingly salvaged from the wreck because she is clearly a TOTAL HOR, and Harold Perrineau is there with a kid, but he is vastly underutilized so far. And Dominic Monaghan is there, and he has a much bigger part than I thought he would. And all the actors are unusually chunky, because they need to be able to look starving in about six episodes. And then it rains. And there's something freakishly but invisibly huge moving in the jungle, and everyone's like JURASSIC PARK OH NOES. But the front part of the plane is out there so Matthew Fox, who is magically also a flunked-out pilot, wants to go in and get the transwhatamawho, and Kate's all like, I AM GOING WITH YOU, and Dominic Monaghan is like OMG ME TOO, and Matthew Fox is like, "Who the hell are you?" And Dominic Monaghan is all like, "I'm Charlie," and then they get into an argument because Matthew is all like, "No, dude, I'm Charlie, you're Merry!," and Dominic is all like, "No, dude, you're Jack and I'm Charlie this time, and just be glad you've got a new TV gig, all right?," and Kate is like "EVERYBODY STFU RIGHT NOW." So they go into the jungle and crawl up in the plane wreckage for like fifteen minutes and you just know one of those dead bodies is not going to be dead yet, and one of them isn't dead yet, and it's the pilot, who I am 99% certain is Greg Grunberg--Hey, it's Greg! Hey Greg! We love you, Greg! Tell Felicity I said hey, Greg!--but he gets eaten by the Giant Invisible Thing within, like, thirty seconds, which is awful and tragic because I was hoping he'd become a regular or something, but not before he gives Matthew/Charlie/Jack the transwhatamajig, only the transwhatamathing is totally fucked up but knowing Dr. Pilot Matthew/Charlie/Jack, he probably took some transwhatamastuff classes at ITT Tech right after he flunked out of pilot school, so keep an eye out for that one. And then the Giant Invisible Thing starts chasing them through the jungle and Dominic falls down and gets caught in That One Tree Root That Is Always In The Middle Of The Path and Matthew saves him but then Matthew and Dominic disappear and Kate loses her shit and then Dominic turns back up and seriously, I think he was doing drugs in the airplane bathroom, y'all, but now Matthew's missing and then Matthew turns up and then they find Dead Greg all mauled up in a tree and they're like OMG WHAT COULD DO THAT?, and besides a heartless invisible dinosaur immune to the charms of Greg Grunberg, I dunno. And the previews are all cracked out with a brawl and some guy trying to get with Kate and then pulling a gun on everyone and Harold Perrineau finds a pair of handcuffs in the jungle, like, Dude! The invisible dinosaurs are into S&M, man! And Dominic's all like, OMGWTF IS THIS PLACE? And I'm thinking, this is J.J. Abrams, man. Y'all are probably in some secret CIA experiment to engineer invisible mechasaurs or something, only they've taken over the world so the CIA went back in time and stranded y'all on a tropical island so you could perpetuate the species, only now the mechasaurs have found you, and you know what? Them bitches are hungry.

Tags: lost, lost recaps, recaps, tv