OMFG I KNEW IT!

We open with a flashback to the crash on the beach with some woman who is surely Wilhelm's long-lost cousin shrieking "OMG SOMEBODY HELP MEEEE!" over and over again and Creepy O'Scar knocked out flat on his back. He looks up at his gold-toe sock and wiggles his foot. I mention this because the end of the show will seem like cheating if you don't notice this.

Beach. Night. Vincent the Yellow Doomrador starts barking and boar piglets run amok through the fuselage and the camp and woe unto these foolish castaways who have not disposed of their dead after four days. How they're still living on that beach and not all dead of bubotropibonic plague, I do not know.

Captain Hero Jack decides that the bodies must be burned, because they'll just get dug up by wild animals otherwise, and Lt. Kip's all like, "But what about what these people wanted? What about their gods and their religions?" And Jack's all like, "Yeah... I'm pretty sure they didn't want to die in a plane crash. SHUT." The other castaways start salvaging as much usable crap as they can out of the plane before it all goes up in flames, and Babymama of the Apocalypse keeps finding keepsakes and passports and things and wants to have a memorial service. Jack wants nothing to do with no stinkin' memorial service. I have a feeling that we will come back to this.

Four days on the island. Ain't got no food. Jackhole basically accuses Hurley of eating all of it, and Hurley demands that he share his peanut stash, and Captain Hero Jack has to step in and break up a fight again. Everyone's whining about food and how to get it and Creepy O'Scar pulls out this scary army knife and whips it past Jackhole's head into an airplane cushion and generally roxors. Turns out he's got a whole suitcase full of knives. Maybe he's got a bazooka in there. Who knows? "WE HUNT," he says. Awesome.

There's a flashback--again: not being terribly particular about the order I describe things, so long as the story holds together--to Locke in an office. Phone call. "Colonel Locke?" Awwww ye-ah. You knew he was a military man. All them knives and such. "Is this line secure?" Locke... looks around? Because that's how you know... yeah. "The [totally secret mission] is a go, I repeat--" And then this total weasel office manager steps in, and he's like half Locke's age, and he starts going all Office Space on Locke, and I immediately want Creepy O'Scar to slit his throat with a letter opener and slow-roast him over a file-folder bonfire in the copy room. Ass.

Meanwhile, back in the present: boar huntin'! Mercutio volunteers and sticks Mercutio's Kid with Sun, the Korean woman, because he clearly has a thing for her. The only reason this is allowed is because Eat Man Button Shirt does not appear again in the episode, and he would be soooo pissed if he knew.

Kate also wants to go. Lt. Kip's putting together some antennae to put around the island and triangulate the location of the French signal, because there's got to be a significant power source there to keep it running for sixteen years. Clearly, he has been reading the TWOP forums. Kate agrees to take one on the boar hunt with her. I'm not entirely sure she's even listening to what he says; I think she's just nodding at the pretty.

Jack's all like, "What's up with you and moving around, Kate? You always wanna go on every hike into the man-eating jungle. Can't stay in one place, can you?" And I'm like, Look, JACK, if you wanted to know what her DEAL was, you had your chance LAST EPISODE and YOU BLEW IT, SO STFU. Kate flashes the homemade antenna at him all, "I'm a vegetarian," which--okay, that's a STFU for you too, Kate. "Desert island" trumps "dietary preferences," fool.

Meanwhile, Snicker Bitch is being a total load on the beach and insists that she doesn't want to eat their stupid boar, and there's plenty of fish in the ocean, and her brother, who I am no longer calling Verve but don't really have a better name for yet, is all like, "Yeah, uh huh. What're you gonna catch them with, MacGyver? Bikini tops and nail polish?" (Actually, he made a crack about using her gold card that I just can't top.) I'll go ahead and sum up this plotline for you, because it's good but it's pretty slight, and we have other things to get to: Snicker Bitch cons Charlie into going after fish for her, so she can show up her brother, and Charlie's all like, "A GIRL SMILED AT ME!" So he and Hurley are out flailing in the water all afternoon, and apparently they found Rupert and jacked his fishing spear, because I have no idea where else they got it from. Eventually, Charlie catches one presentable fish and brings it to his Snicker Goddess, who turns right around and gives it to her brother all a-smirk, like, way to not even pretend like you caught it yourself, HOR. She basically makes the case that she can survive on her own because... she can find boys to feed her. Boone gives her a look of utter disgust, as well he should. Charlie just sort of stares heartbrokenly at them, dismayed to find that no female on the island actually gives a shit about him. (Insert fangirl roar of sympathetic LJers here.)

There's also a minor subplot about Rose, the woman sitting next to Jack on the plane who he also resuscitated in the first episode, sitting out on the beach by herself and not talking to anyone, and Jack bringing her water and a shawl or something, and she eventually insists that her husband is still alive--he was in a bathroom in the tail of the plane. Now, while Jack points out that, since the tail was ripped off in midair (as you may recall from last week's gratuitously repeated Kate Krashback), everyone in the tail must be dead, Rose insists that they're all probably on the other side of the island thinking that the middle-of-the-plane people are dead. Except for the part where the middle-of-the-plane people didn't fall out in midair, ROSE. But okay.

Hunting. Colonel O'Scar is really, really up on his boar-hunting techniques, y'all. I mean, he's all Natty Bumppo out in the jungle looking at rooted dirt and scraped-up trees and shit. We find out in more flashbacks that... he and some other guy play tabletop war games on their lunch hour. And he's not a real colonel. Nor did he ever serve in any kind of military (as that shitweasel of a manager is more than happy to inform us). He even makes fun of Colonel O'Scar for having "a woman"--"Helen"--"in his life," and if you think this manager is an asshole now, wait until you get to the end and think about who this guy is actually taunting. That's sad, y'all. And then a boar charges them in the present and Mercutio's good and down for the count with a gore to the thigh. Again. But at least he didn't get eaten this time. Creepy O'Scar just gets knocked down, but he keeps not getting up and not getting up and Kate panics and if I didn't mention it before, I should mention it now: Creepy O'Scar's real name is Locke. John Locke. Remember the name of the last episode? Yeah. So Philosopher O'Scar just lies there, and then he starts staring at his toe again, and finally he gets up. And then he calls Kate "Helen" and says he's gonna go kill him a boar and "Don't tell me what I can't do!" and Kate's all like, Oh my shit, he crazy.

Now's as good a time as any to tell you the next Locke flashback, since I'm all out of order here. He's in a really sad-looking, possibly one-room apartment talking to "Helen" on the phone, and he's telling her about this really hardcore/semi-spiritual Australian "walkabout" tour he wants to do, and how Manager Assweasel doesn't think he can do it, but he told him off, and he bought two tickets, and he wants Helen to go with him. And then we find out that Helen is... a phone sex operator. Oh no. She's all like, "I told you I can't meet customers!" and the word "customer" makes Creepy O'Scar very, very sad. And then she asks if he wants another hour for $89.99. That ain't right, y'all.

Jungle, the present. Kate's shimmying up some palm tree or something--seriously, I want to know what this girl did before she got on that plane. She can disarm crazy jackholes, climb trees without branches, and save one-armed sheep farmers from flaming wrecks. Is there anything Kate Notinsale can't do? I mean, besides actually tell us what crime she was wanted for? Anyway. The Invisible Mechasaurus Rex roars in the general direction of Creepy O'Scar and Kate drops the antenna. Meanwhile, deeper in the jungle, we see the trees moving back and forth and the thing comes to get Creepy O'Scar and it rears up and he looks up at it in terror! and keeps looking! and looking! and it doesn't do anything! And we go to commercial! But he sees it, right? Totally sees it!

When Kate and Mercutio finish hobbling back to the beach, Lt. Kip gets all pissy and starts throwing things and there is some Kate-Kip handholding that I can totally get behind. And then Jack shows up to cockblock Lt. Kip, of course, and that's when Kate tells him that Creepy O'Scar didn't make it. Jack is then distracted by... a man in a suit at the edge of the jungle. The hell? It's an apparition, apparently (and I've read the spoilers, but... still, it's pretty freakin' creepy), but he follows it into the jungle and runs into... Presumed Dead O'Scar, covered in blood and dragging a dead boar back to camp. Jack wants to know if he saw the Invisible Mechasaurus Rex. Locke says he did not. LIAH!

Back to the BEST FLASHBACK EVER. EVER. I defy you to find me a better flashback. Creepy O'Scar is in the Australian walkabout tour office, and the tour guide is pissed off because Locke "misrepresented himself" and isn't fit to go, and Locke starts freaking the hell out all, "DON'T TELL ME WHAT I CAN'T DO!!" But the bus leaves without him, because--pan out for a wide shot--LOCKE IS IN A WHEELCHAIR OMFG HOLY SHIT ALKJSDL:FKJEJRWLM.

And then we go back to that opening flashback on the beach where Locke sits up and wiggles his foot and finds his shoe and puts it on and struggles to his feet and walks around for the first time in I don't know how many years. Maybe ever. The music here absolutely kills, man. I mean, yes, everyone is bleeding and screaming and losing their shit but right here, right here is that "secret" that Locke told Mercutio's Kid: "A miracle happened here."

Beach. Night. Oceania Memorial Fuselage. Babymama of the Apocalypse is reading out names and... not really pertinent information ("She was from Texas... she wore corrective lenses") that the castaways have gleaned from the refuse. And we see the wheelchair--I couldn't really mention it without totally giving the game away for the people who don't actually watch the show (WATCH THE SHOW!), but we've seen that wheelchair in every episode so far, as people have used it to trundle things around, and you were left to assume that the occupant just didn't survive or something. Nope: It was Locke's. Which is where the theory on the TWOP forums came from, Locke + miracle = wheelchair, and even though it turned out to be right, it was still shocking as all hell the way it played out. Hell, I can't even remember how the show ended. They're all standing around that fire and Charlie takes a sad, unloved chaw of Smackfarthing--the last of the Smackfarthing--and rejoins the group, and Mercutio tells Locke that he did a good job with the boar, and Locke's all like, You have no fucking idea.

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