You know, I was getting all pissed off because my plans for tomorrow night were starting to not work out, and then I saw this:

Screaming Paris Hilton sent back to jail.

"It's not right!" shouted Hilton, who violated her probation in a reckless driving case. "Mom!" she cried out to her mother.

[...]

She pleaded no contest to reckless driving and was sentenced to 36 months' probation, alcohol education and $1,500 in fines. In the months that followed she was stopped twice while driving on a suspended license. The second stop landed her in Sauer's courtroom.

Back before Sauer on Friday, Hilton's entire body trembled as the final pitch was made for her further incarceration. She clutched a ball of tissue and tears ran down her face.

Seconds later, the judge announced his decision: "The defendant is remanded to county jail to serve the remainder of her 45-day sentence. This order is forthwith."

Hilton screamed.

Eight deputies immediately ordered all spectators out of the courtroom. Hilton's mother, Kathy, threw her arms around her husband, Rick, and sobbed uncontrollably.

Deputies escorted Hilton out of the room, holding each of her arms as she looked back.

I've seen a lot of people asking what the big deal about all of this is, and why so many of us have it so completely in for Paris. To me, it involves three separate issues:

1. Paris Hilton is a completely pointless human being. I first remember seeing her in a Vanity Fair article about her and his sister, which was basically about what charmingly useless socialites they were. Then she gains mainstream notoriety because an ex-lover releases a sex tape they made. She parlays that into a reality show about how "charmingly" useless she and her friend Nicole Richie are. She put out a CD, but it tanked, and if you've heard "Stars Are Blind," you'll understand why. (Side note: UB40 did hear it, and decided it was worth a copyright suit.) She then, at the age of 23, put out an autobiography about her scintillating life. And yes, there are plenty of people who have lived book-worthy lives by the age of 23, but I'm pretty sure "Everything I do is made of mediocre fail" does not qualify her for this category. She then put out her own perfume and "lent her name to a chain of nightclubs known as Club Paris in 2005.... Hilton was fired in January 2007 by the owner of Club Paris, Fred Khalilian, after she had failed to attend several scheduled promotional appearances." In 2004 she participated in the "Citizen Change" youth voting campaign, only for the press to discover that "she had neither voted nor registered to do so." And then, during the whole "Paris Exposed" storage locker incident, they found a tape of her using "ethnic slurs." I have yet to see a single thing she's done that points to her having any talent or worth beyond an amazing capacity to promote herself. She is, literally, famous for being famous.

2. Let's pretend for a moment that Paris Hilton is a genteel, well-mannered, multi-talented person--that in some weird alternate universe, we're actually talking about, let's say, Kate Winslet. Then she drives drunk and gets her license suspended. Then she's caught driving on that suspended license. THEN she's caught driving 70 in a 35 MPH zone with her headlights off. Yes, at night. Yes, on that same suspended license. AND THEN she had also failed to enroll in a court-ordered alcohol education program. I don't care if Mother Teresa's caught doing it, it's still reckless, incorrigible, unrepentant behavior, and easily could have ended with someone getting killed.

3. Let's pretend for a moment, so as to isolate this issue as well from the others, that Paris Hilton is genteel and talented and wonderful and is getting thrown in the pokey for a single, unfortunate action that she regrets but nonetheless requires jail time. In fact, she really did say, as of a month ago, "I do not expect to be treated better than anyone else who violated probation." Of course, she also said, "I feel that I was treated unfairly. I don't deserve this" and blamed her publicist for telling her she was allowed to drive. Considering that she could have easily killed someone and then got her stay in county lockup immediately cut in half for "good behavior"--and I don't know what good behavior that was, considering that she couldn't even show up to court on time--I kind of don't want to hear it. Her defense was that she "signs whatever her employees put in front of her," her publicist "told her she could drive to work," that anyone but Paris Hilton was responsible for this, and when she was initially sentenced, her mother started screaming at both the judge and the Hiltons' own lawyer. And then they fired the publicist whose legal advice they had apparently been taking, as it was all clearly his fault. It's not fair, you see, that someone who drove drunk, on a suspended license, and was caught speeding should have to serve any time like normal people would, obviously. So then she actually gets to lockup, her mere 23 days in a cell by herself in an area separate from the general population, and by Thursday she has completely broken down and can't take it. So the sheriff lets her go home to serve the rest of her time under house arrest. And while the sheriff was out of line making that decision, I think, I can understand him wanting to get her the hell out of his facility, given the uproar it was apparently causing among staff and inmates. So then the DA raises holy hell and demands that they go to court this morning. Paris then asks to participate by phone from her house. The judge says FUCK TO THE NO and has her dragged in. So, having once said that she does "not expect to be treated better than anyone else who violated probation," Paris is sent back to serve the sentence that her actions demand, screaming and wailing the whole way. Also, she cries for her mother.

Here's the thing about these three issues: it's not any one thing. I can deal with you being useless. Ubiquitously untalented, even. I can deal with you being a spoiled, spineless dink. I can even deal with you being a danger to society. I cannot deal with you being all three at the same time. The combination of talentless, self-entitled and dangerous is just too much for me, so you're going to have to forgive me if I enjoy this a little too much.