Occupation: Girl

Please close the door and switch on the fun without fail.

Alice is indeed cool.

I read these books for sparkle without plot (SWP). WHERE IS MY SPARKLING? I warned you. I WARNED YOU! x))

Many thanks for this, I laughed all through your commentary :D

Eclipse has some.. resemblance of a plot, by the way. But if you're angry at Bella now, just wait till you get to Eclipse. Yeah, she just keeps yo-yoing with Jacob and Jacob keeps being a stubborn douche and Edward cuts her brakes because he loves her. But there's lots of mush and sparkle and Confederate!jasper x))

As long as there's mush and sparkle, I can handle it. Probably.

(Deleted comment)
Your theory about Wuthering Heights being a horror story is brilliant. I may try re-reading the damn book with that mindset to see if it makes me less inclined to want to fling it across the room.

(Yeah yeah, I know, I forfeit GothPoints for not liking Wuthering Heights. I can't help it, I wanted to slap both Cathy and Heathcliff.)

I had to read it over the summer in high school, and I think reading it on my own and not discussing it until later helped me form my own opinion of it. I remember when I was done, I felt emotionally traumatized. Like, vicariously so. It's not romance.

(Also, before anyone asks, yes, I have heard the Kate Bush song, and I have, like, three covers of it and I snuggle them all periodically.)

I love you. ♥

Not particularly helpful or anything, but that was a wonderful summary to read. XD Thank you!

Edited at 2008-05-16 05:34 am (UTC)

Also, Jacob's got a fever of a hundred and werewolf, I think.

HEE. Excellent. Also, thanks for making it so I never have to read these books.

I don't know that it's an entirely coherent substitute for the whole book, though; I was trying to keep it short.

LMAO--I love your fresh perspective on this book. You made me laugh a LOT. :D

Gratuitous icon post?

And, yeah. Poor Jacob. He needs to run very fast in the other direction from Bella. (Not that he does, because OMGLUVTRIANGLE.)

I like these books all right, but I always find myself skimming through Bella's monologuing, because GET ON WITH IT.

And yes, Alice rocks.

Oh God, I'm so reading this one tomorrow.

Take something for your blood pressure. For real. I seriously want to stab something now. And I actually dig the Edward/Bella thing even though he's a sparkly douche.

Heeeeeeeeeee. I cackled the whole time I read this. I can't wait for you to read the last one now, just to get to read your reaction.

Hahahahaha I LOVE YOU FOR THIS!!!

Yeah, seriously though - I agree 100% with you about this being a book for the girls with low self esteem. Don't give up on being average and clumsy, girls! One day you too will find a vampireboy who will allow you to be his slave.

Seriously though, she's so sanctimonious in her grief. Like surviving a breakup qualifies her for sainthood. UH, NO. And omfg the part where they go to the movies and she FREAKS OUT because in the opening credits a couple is walking hand in hand.

Bottom line, Bella needs to be bitch-slapped. You should read the third book (what's the title?) if only for the sake of getting Rosalie's backstory. Homegirl is all kinds of, literal, supervamp fabulous.

Rosalie needs a book of her own so she can be awesome. She's also like, the only one of the Cullens with a slight iota of sense when it comes to Bella.

It's so hilarious that you mention Cathy and Heathcliff, because that book is kind of the *motif* in the third book and there is this one SPECIFIC scene that is just so mind-bogglingly ridiculous in creating the parallels. THE SPARKLES RETURN, AS DOES THE GIGGLE-INDUCING DIALOGUE.

Oh sweet Lord. The Romeo and Juliet parallels were ridiculous enough.


They can't! That one episode of Family Guy said so. How dare Twilight contradict Family Guy??

Hey, guess what? We have the same theory re: Wuthering Heights. Well, pretty much. And yet, even though it's a gigantic dramafest of ruined hopes, I still love it liek whoa. Because that book is good writing.

I am seriously beginning to doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion, Edward.


OK, just the small amount of quotes you included here make me go: "Ack! Tripe! Nooo!"

"In summary, she did jump off a cliff."


That last one about the cliff is a direct quote, by the way. I didn't make that shit up.

I wasn't sure exactly what to do about the leftover, unresolved character. Where was his happily ever after?

Bwahaha...wait, is that from the actual text? It sounds like an author's note that got left in the manuscript and accidentally printed, or something.

Any full sentences in italics like that are a direct quote, yes.

If you're only reading these now, I guess it's not so bad. I, on the other hand, read them ages ago (on the recommendation of my teeny fangirl sister). It was completely embarrassing to admit to my college friends that I, too, enjoy gratuitous sparkling. How is it possible that these books are so delicious?? I think your comparison to a Twinkie is the best I've heard so far.

I sympathize with this. Now, whenever I'm reading, one of my friends says "Oh, vampire romance again?" and makes a fangs face at me. Leading me to have to explain to everyone my slightly ridiculous addiction to the sugary (and sparkly) love of Edward and Bella.

Oh, don't worry. Eclipse has SO much more sparkle in it. I mean... she's still torn between her two mansome lovahs, and is helplessly dim, and just... is just so... well, there aren't really words. But there is definitely sparkling.

"The fundies get upset about Harry Potter but not THIS?"

Well, it's written by a good ole' god-fearin' merican woman! (but of the Mitt Romney variety).


GOD I KNOW. She could be a cougar for Edward! but NOOOO. Death is better.

Ya know, cougar is another term for mountain lion... Edwardo's favorite prey...
Coincidence? I think not.

Chapter 11 is PRICELESS! LOLz

I'm too lazy to read other comments but Eclipse totally rocks the Wuthering Heights references too.

You know I'm going to be randomly saying 'WHERE IS MY SPARKLING?' at any random boring moment now, don't you?

See, and I actually enjoy these books. They have their downsides, obviously, and there are a bunch of times that I just want to say, "Oh my GOD, COME ON! Get over yourselves!" Is Stephenie Meyer a great writer? Well, no, not great. I think one of the reasons they work for me though is because a lot of times (and I have my theories as to why this is) it seems like I have no filter mechanism on my own emotions and I feel every little thing straight to the core of me. It makes for getting some mildly embarrasing moments of getting choked up over almost ridiculous stuff, but I just go with it. Anyway, to me her books are somewhat similar in that there's no halfway in feeling anything; everything is explored to death and usually with no real conclusions drawn. And also...I like these books in the same way I like American Gladiators. That show is so over the top ridiculous that it becomes hilarious and is so awful that it REEKS OF AWESOME AND I'M FORCED TO TYPE ABOUT IT IN CAPS WITH EXCESSIVE EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!!!! SQUEEE!!!! I just CAN'T. LOOK. AWAY. even though it's unhealthy.

Are the books lacking on plot? Yeah, sure. Do they promote healthy relationships in any form? Not really. Should parents make sure their kids (boys and girls) know about healthy relationships and the importance of independence, good self-esteem, and being your own person? Yes, DEFINITELY.

But I also know that I don't remember once reading a book growing up and being so influenced by the characters that it changed my personal values, ethics, or whatever you want to call it. I never thought to myself, "oh well, the character in this book did it so it's okay if I emulate that." Maybe I'm in the minority there or maybe my parents just did a good job of guiding my brother and me, but that's my experience. It actually makes me think of a biography on JK Rowling in which she said that people underestimate children incredibly, that they know it's fiction and just a story. Of course, she was referring to accusations of Harry Potter promoting witchcraft, but I still think it applies. And now this has become a much longer response than I originally intended, but there you have it.

I totally agree with you on that last paragraph. At my elementary school, we had this V.I.E.W project (I can't remember what the acronym stood for now), and it was all about not being 'ist'. Sexist, racist, etc. They would go on and on about how Barbie is a terrible role model for kids and she's so unrealistic and encourages eating disorders and I always thought 'dude, she's a doll'. I have never once looked at a Barbie and gone 'oh, I must look exactly like her. Perhaps I should start walking on the balls of my feet permanently'. I think that, if your children are unable to know when a book character is NOT to be emulated, then that is the fault of you, not the book.

I wasn't sure exactly what to do about the leftover, unresolved character. Where was his happily ever after?

...Seriously? I mean, SERIOUSLY seriously?

I may have to read these for the lulz. And sparkles. My hand has been forced.

I liked the first book like Twinkies as you say, but I had a hard time with this one. I had to stop reading it for a little while because it made me so annoyed. Bella is just so goddamn selfish and can't see anything else but Edward. I felt bad for her dad, and I had no sympathy at all for Bella when her friends weren't eager to jump back into friendship with her again after she essentially dumped them for Edward, and then went all catatonic for months. She was a horrible friend to them, and it takes one to have one.

I felt bad for Jacob too, for Bella using him and for letting himself be used.

And your Cathy and Heathcliff comments are right on too - another one of my friend made similar analogies.

Bella just made me mad with her utter disregard for everyone she claims to love.

I did like Alice though.

Hee, like a super-mockity short m15m.

If I had any room left for random icons, "CHUG CHUG CHUG!" would be high on the list. ;D

seriously my sister and I, after reading this book, realized that Bella's rallying cry is 'Watch me recklessly endanger myself to hear the voice of my departed vampire boyfriend in my head!' (though its been shortened to 'Let me recklessly endanger myself to hear the voices in my head!' not much of a shortening, but just so).

lmao. I'm really hoping there's a parody somewhere in this =X ... and I really enjoyed the Twilight series (for the SWP, bring it on! Also SWP!Movie ... yay!).

"YAY! THE SPARKLY ASSHAT CAME BACK!" This made me laugh out loud! The rest of the time I was snickering because the character of Bella and some of the things in the book (like how a girl's identity is defined by her boyfriend etc) just make me want to whack her with something not so soft and fluffy.

Edited at 2008-05-16 08:27 am (UTC)

Reading these has been far more entertaining than reading the books could ever be for me. (I'm 23 and male, and even though I'm gay, I don't share this concept of "romance" you all speak of, especially re: Sparkly Vampires. I'm convinced I'll throw down any of these Twilight books in... seven pages.)

But now I know I might see the movie, haha.

Heh. I am totally seeing the movie for Robert Pattinson, I won't lie to you.

twilight was such a giggle fest for me. i kept putting it down because it was so bad. i'm tempted to read New Moon but I don't know, now that I've read your summery i think I'm quite content to not read it.


Log in