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Twilight II: Vampiric Boogaloo
Very brief notes I took as I read New Moon (well, I took notes chapter by chapter, but they're... relatively... brief. And... angry):

Chapter 1: Bella whines about the Cullens throwing her a fabulous birthday party, because now she's ONE YEAR OLDER OMG than Edward. Already I want to kick her unappreciative punk ass.

And had Emmett always been so. . . big? Yes, he has, Bella. Because you mentioned it every single time you mentioned his name in the first book.

Alice is cool, though. Can Alice throw me an awesome birthday party? I promise I won't paper-cut myself or anything.

Chapter 2: Carlisle and Esme's birthday present is plane tickets for Edward and Bella to visit her mother. In Florida. You people are IDIOTS.

Chapter 3: "I love the scrapbook you gave me, Mom! And here is a picture of my vampire boyfriend watching ESPN."

Also, Edward is a douche. I mean, obviously he's breaking up with Bella for her own good and lying to her and blah blah emocakes. But now we have to listen to Bella angst for 3,293,487 pages. Don't you ever think about us, Edward? Our suffering?

Several Blank Pages Marked With the Names of Months: Well, at least Bella is thinking of our suffering.

Chapter 4: I'd been careful to avoid all forms of moroseness, moping included. Oh, I highly doubt that. Also, I hope the Twilight Moms are talking to their daughters about the role models set forth in this book. "Honey, I know it hurts when Robert Sparkleson breaks up with you, but in real life, you're going to have to deal with it. Attempted suicide by thug is not healthy."

Chapter 5: This is where I started skimming. Hard. You've heard of porn without plot (PWP)? I read these books for sparkle without plot (SWP). WHERE IS MY SPARKLING?

"Hi, Jacob! I was wondering if you could help me commit suicide by motorcycle? I'll never get this thing up and killing me by myself."

Chapter 6: Where are my lulz? My sparkly, sparkly lulz? MY TWINKIE HAS GONE BAD. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THEY COULD DO THAT.

Both boys went to examine Jacob's project, drilling him with educated questions. Many of the words they used were unfamiliar to me, and I figured I'd have to have a Y chromosome to really understand the excitement. Because girrrrrrrls can't enjoy awesome things like motorcycles. Unless they're trying to kill themselves.

Also, the chapter is titled "Cheater," because Bella is cheating on her promise not to get dead, but clearly it also refers to her burgeoning relationship with Jacob. I SEE WHAT U DID THAR.

Oh, good, Lauren's still a bitch. THANKS.

Also, when do we find out that Jacob is a werewolf? It's been blatantly foreshadowed since the first book, don't lie.

Chapter 7: "God, boys asking me out again."


"Yeah," he agreed, looking up at me with troubled eyes. "He looks at me like he's waiting for something. . . like I'm going to join his stupid gang someday. He pays more attention to me than any of the other guys. I hate it." And so begins the wolfening!

Chapter 8: As I began to loosen my grip, I was shocked to be interrupted by a voice that did not belong to the boy standing next to me. "This is reckless and childish and idiotic, Bella," the velvet voice fumed. YAY MY LULZ ARE BACK!

You know, Jacob's a nice kid, but I cannot support Jacob/Bella. Jacob/Bella does not convulse me with laughter and sparkly goodness. He's far too good and normal for her. Notice how she can't even pay attention to him? It's because she's exactly like Cathy Earnshaw--she can't function unless she's got Heathcliff to bounce her angst off. (Have I ever told you my theory that Wuthering Heights is not romance but actually horror, about two emotional sadomasochists who lay waste to everyone around them, using them as pawns in their own personal war of attrition? Because, I mean... that's pretty much the whole theory. ~The More You Know~)

Chapter 9: I was like a lost moon--my planet destroyed in some cataclysmic, disaster-movie scenario of desolation--that continued, nevertheless, to circle in a tight little orbit around the empty space left behind, ignoring the laws of gravity. Wow, I sure want my theoretical daughter to think of herself as a satellite to a man.

"Gah, I have a date with two boys instead of a group date to cockblock that guy who's liked me from chapter one, book one. My life is so harrrrrd."

I sighed. "You shouldn't waste [your time] on me," I said, though I wanted him to. Oh, of all the selfish, passive-aggressive fuckwittery...

Also, Jacob's got a fever of a hundred and werewolf, I think. Also-also: Billy is a big-ass hypocrite if he wants Bella to stay away from Edward but he's totes okay with her dating a werewolf.


Oh... hi, Jacobwolf.

I am seriously beginning to doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion, Edward.

Chapter 11: He's a WEREWOLF, BELLA. Do we need to get Snape in here to get it through your head?


Chapter 13: God, FINALLY. "Well, I'm so sorry that I can't be the right kind of monster for you, Bella. I guess I'm just not as great as a bloodsucker, am I?" Well, maybe you should try sparkling, Jacob.

"I wasn't supposed to tell you our secret, for one thing, but the other part is that it's not safe for you. If I get too mad. . . too upset. . . you might get hurt." JACOB SMASH LAURENT! JACOB SMASH BELLA IF PUNY GIRL MAKE BIG STRONG MAN MAD!

Chapter 14: EXPLODING WEREWOLVES. Hallelujah, the lulz have returned!

Okay, the werewolves taking bets on whether Bella's gonna horf is genuinely funny.

Interesting difference between vampires and werewolves re: the women who love them: Vampire danger is sexy. Werewolf danger is disfiguring. Guess we know who Bella's gonna end up with!

Chapter 15: Last spring break, I'd been hunted by a vampire, too. I hoped this wasn't some kind of tradition forming. No, that's the Harry Potter books you're thinking of.

So... is Jacob also going to be shirtless most of the time in the New Moon movie? I'm just asking.

She complained lightly about the increase in the boys' appetites from all their extra running, but it was easy to see she didn't mind taking care of them. It wasn't hard to be with her--after all, we were both wolf girls now. Again, I sure want my theoretical daughter to define herself by what kind of man she's with.

Also, we seriously need to sit Bella down with a DVD of Heathers. Teenage Suicide, Bella. Don't Do It.

Chapter 16: Oh, good. We hadn't gotten in our quota of strong men carrying Bella around yet.

Would it be so wrong to try to make Jacob happy? Even if the love I felt for him was no more than a weak echo of what I was capable of, even if my heart was far away, wandering and grieving after my fickle Romeo, would it be so very wrong? I swear to God, Bella, if you try to take up Jacob out of pity, since it's obvious that Edward's going to come back and you're going to drop Jacob like a rock, I'm going to invent a way to reach into this book and pimp-slap you.

("Bye, Bella," he called back over his shoulder. "I really hope you don't die." AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.)


Chapter 17: Aww, different sparkler. Still, Alice is cool.

She rolled her eyes. "He was a fool to think you could survive alone. I've never seen anyone so prone to life-threatening idiocy." I told you Alice was cool.


If Edward turns out to be in Verona, I'm going to stab someone.

I snorted in disgust. "I almost get myself killed on a daily basis! Tell me what I need to do!" Okay, Bella's clumsiness is beyond a token Mary Sue character flaw now. We're up to "self parody" by this point.

(Jacob, give up. Also, any guys somehow reading this: sometimes, girls get fixated on guys, to the point where they'll drop whatever they're doing, whoever they're with, to run to them. Give up on those girls. If they can't collect themselves and make that choice to stay with you, they're not ready to treat you with any kind of respect. I'm saying this from an observer's experience here.)

Chapter 19: "Actually, Bella. . . " She hesitated, and then seemed to make a choice. "Honestly, I think it's all gotten beyond ridiculous. I'm debating whether to just change you myself." Y'all, Alice is totally sick of all the angst too. DO IT! DO IT! CHUG! CHUG!

Aw, damn.

Aaaaand we're recommitted to Sparkle Motion... in the capital vampire city, at noon, on the biggest vampire holiday. Oh, Edward, you drama queen. This does give me hope for sparkling in the first movie, though--I'd heard rumors that they wouldn't do it, but they'll have to for the second movie to make any sense.

"Okay, Bella! Saving Edward and possibly all of vampirekind depends on you NOT BEING CLUMSY for thirty seconds--oh, fuck, we're doomed."

Chapter 20: Omg, Edward thinks they're both dead. And then he starts quoting Shakespeare. I nearly woke the entire house up laughing. Also, I am totally ending all declarations, descriptions and explanations from now on with "In summary, she did jump off a cliff."

Chapter 21: This is totally going to end with the Volturi deciding that Edward and Bella get to live because their luv is so twu, isn't it?

"I love a happy ending." Aro sighed. "They are so rare. But I want the whole story." [...] "Marcus, Caius, look!" Aro crooned. "Bella is alive after all, and Alice is here with her! Isn't that wonderful?" *headdesk*

"Marcus sees relationships. He's surprised by the intensity of ours." That's a POWER? What, is this like the X-Men where they started running out of shit and gave Dazzler the power of, like, disco or some shit? Ah, but they gave "little Jane" the Jedi power of tasering people with her mind. Nice.

("Ha, ha, ha," Aro chortled again. "You're very brave, Edward, to endure in silence. I asked Jane to do that to me once--just out of curiosity." I think Aro may be my new favorite character. He's like some dotty old wizard out of Harry Potter or something.)

"But your restraint, Edward! It's amazing! Colossal! It must be almost as hard as it is for teenagers not to have sex! WHICH THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE, BY THE WAY."

(Edward put the long cloak on, leaving the hood down. Aro sighed. "It suits you." Okay, now I'm just getting a Dumblegay vibe.)

Chapter 22: "I think she's having hysterics. Maybe you should slap her," Alice suggested. OMG I LOVE YOU ALICE.

Oh, thank God, we're back to the sparkly mush. I can't believe it took this book twenty-two chapters to get to the gratuitous gooey vampire romance. Honestly! What do you think I'm reading these books for?

Chapter 23: I'll tell you exactly what the hook behind this chapter is: the low self-esteem of the teenage girl. "I knew you could never have loved me, because I am ordinary and plain and clumsy!" "No! You are beautiful and special and adorably clumsy!" Also, it's kind of pissing me off that Edward's mad that she won't believe him now. "What? I just told you a gigantic, sadistic lie that rendered you catatonic for six months! Why are you not believing a single word I say now?"

"You could mean it. . . now. But what about tomorrow, when you think about all the reasons you left in the first place? Or next month, when Jasper takes a snap at me?"
That's right, Bella! You tell him--


Chapter 24: "All in favor of turning me into a vampire so I'll shut the fuck up?" *unanimous*

"Shh," I interrupted him. "Hold on a second. I think I'm having an epiphany here." Give her a moment, Edward, she doesn't have a lot of these. "Oh! Okay! You love me!" *FACEPALM*


I am so stunned by Bella's bizarro double standards that I don't even have time to deal with the shitty way she treats her father. *head desk desk desk*

"If you stay, I don't need heaven." The fundies get upset about Harry Potter but not THIS?

I wasn't sure exactly what to do about the leftover, unresolved character. Where was his happily ever after? I just... I don't even have any words for this.

"How could Jacob be so meeeeen to me? I mean, I just tore his heart up into itty bitty pieces! He's gonna rat out my deathcycle for that?"



I swear the next entry will be linkspam of some sort. After I pick the bits of my brain off the walls and shove them back in through my ears.

(More Twilight recaps.)

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Alice is indeed cool.

I read these books for sparkle without plot (SWP). WHERE IS MY SPARKLING? I warned you. I WARNED YOU! x))

Many thanks for this, I laughed all through your commentary :D

Eclipse has some.. resemblance of a plot, by the way. But if you're angry at Bella now, just wait till you get to Eclipse. Yeah, she just keeps yo-yoing with Jacob and Jacob keeps being a stubborn douche and Edward cuts her brakes because he loves her. But there's lots of mush and sparkle and Confederate!jasper x))

As long as there's mush and sparkle, I can handle it. Probably.

(Deleted comment)
Your theory about Wuthering Heights being a horror story is brilliant. I may try re-reading the damn book with that mindset to see if it makes me less inclined to want to fling it across the room.

(Yeah yeah, I know, I forfeit GothPoints for not liking Wuthering Heights. I can't help it, I wanted to slap both Cathy and Heathcliff.)

I had to read it over the summer in high school, and I think reading it on my own and not discussing it until later helped me form my own opinion of it. I remember when I was done, I felt emotionally traumatized. Like, vicariously so. It's not romance.

(Also, before anyone asks, yes, I have heard the Kate Bush song, and I have, like, three covers of it and I snuggle them all periodically.)

I love you. ♥

Not particularly helpful or anything, but that was a wonderful summary to read. XD Thank you!

Edited at 2008-05-16 05:34 am (UTC)

Also, Jacob's got a fever of a hundred and werewolf, I think.

HEE. Excellent. Also, thanks for making it so I never have to read these books.

I don't know that it's an entirely coherent substitute for the whole book, though; I was trying to keep it short.

LMAO--I love your fresh perspective on this book. You made me laugh a LOT. :D

Gratuitous icon post?

And, yeah. Poor Jacob. He needs to run very fast in the other direction from Bella. (Not that he does, because OMGLUVTRIANGLE.)

I like these books all right, but I always find myself skimming through Bella's monologuing, because GET ON WITH IT.

And yes, Alice rocks.

Oh God, I'm so reading this one tomorrow.

Take something for your blood pressure. For real. I seriously want to stab something now. And I actually dig the Edward/Bella thing even though he's a sparkly douche.

Heeeeeeeeeee. I cackled the whole time I read this. I can't wait for you to read the last one now, just to get to read your reaction.

Hahahahaha I LOVE YOU FOR THIS!!!

Yeah, seriously though - I agree 100% with you about this being a book for the girls with low self esteem. Don't give up on being average and clumsy, girls! One day you too will find a vampireboy who will allow you to be his slave.

Seriously though, she's so sanctimonious in her grief. Like surviving a breakup qualifies her for sainthood. UH, NO. And omfg the part where they go to the movies and she FREAKS OUT because in the opening credits a couple is walking hand in hand.

Bottom line, Bella needs to be bitch-slapped. You should read the third book (what's the title?) if only for the sake of getting Rosalie's backstory. Homegirl is all kinds of, literal, supervamp fabulous.

Rosalie needs a book of her own so she can be awesome. She's also like, the only one of the Cullens with a slight iota of sense when it comes to Bella.

It's so hilarious that you mention Cathy and Heathcliff, because that book is kind of the *motif* in the third book and there is this one SPECIFIC scene that is just so mind-bogglingly ridiculous in creating the parallels. THE SPARKLES RETURN, AS DOES THE GIGGLE-INDUCING DIALOGUE.

Oh sweet Lord. The Romeo and Juliet parallels were ridiculous enough.


They can't! That one episode of Family Guy said so. How dare Twilight contradict Family Guy??

Hey, guess what? We have the same theory re: Wuthering Heights. Well, pretty much. And yet, even though it's a gigantic dramafest of ruined hopes, I still love it liek whoa. Because that book is good writing.

I am seriously beginning to doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion, Edward.


OK, just the small amount of quotes you included here make me go: "Ack! Tripe! Nooo!"

"In summary, she did jump off a cliff."


That last one about the cliff is a direct quote, by the way. I didn't make that shit up.

I wasn't sure exactly what to do about the leftover, unresolved character. Where was his happily ever after?

Bwahaha...wait, is that from the actual text? It sounds like an author's note that got left in the manuscript and accidentally printed, or something.

Any full sentences in italics like that are a direct quote, yes.

If you're only reading these now, I guess it's not so bad. I, on the other hand, read them ages ago (on the recommendation of my teeny fangirl sister). It was completely embarrassing to admit to my college friends that I, too, enjoy gratuitous sparkling. How is it possible that these books are so delicious?? I think your comparison to a Twinkie is the best I've heard so far.

I sympathize with this. Now, whenever I'm reading, one of my friends says "Oh, vampire romance again?" and makes a fangs face at me. Leading me to have to explain to everyone my slightly ridiculous addiction to the sugary (and sparkly) love of Edward and Bella.

Oh, don't worry. Eclipse has SO much more sparkle in it. I mean... she's still torn between her two mansome lovahs, and is helplessly dim, and just... is just so... well, there aren't really words. But there is definitely sparkling.

"The fundies get upset about Harry Potter but not THIS?"

Well, it's written by a good ole' god-fearin' merican woman! (but of the Mitt Romney variety).


GOD I KNOW. She could be a cougar for Edward! but NOOOO. Death is better.

Ya know, cougar is another term for mountain lion... Edwardo's favorite prey...
Coincidence? I think not.

Chapter 11 is PRICELESS! LOLz

I'm too lazy to read other comments but Eclipse totally rocks the Wuthering Heights references too.

You know I'm going to be randomly saying 'WHERE IS MY SPARKLING?' at any random boring moment now, don't you?

See, and I actually enjoy these books. They have their downsides, obviously, and there are a bunch of times that I just want to say, "Oh my GOD, COME ON! Get over yourselves!" Is Stephenie Meyer a great writer? Well, no, not great. I think one of the reasons they work for me though is because a lot of times (and I have my theories as to why this is) it seems like I have no filter mechanism on my own emotions and I feel every little thing straight to the core of me. It makes for getting some mildly embarrasing moments of getting choked up over almost ridiculous stuff, but I just go with it. Anyway, to me her books are somewhat similar in that there's no halfway in feeling anything; everything is explored to death and usually with no real conclusions drawn. And also...I like these books in the same way I like American Gladiators. That show is so over the top ridiculous that it becomes hilarious and is so awful that it REEKS OF AWESOME AND I'M FORCED TO TYPE ABOUT IT IN CAPS WITH EXCESSIVE EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!!!! SQUEEE!!!! I just CAN'T. LOOK. AWAY. even though it's unhealthy.

Are the books lacking on plot? Yeah, sure. Do they promote healthy relationships in any form? Not really. Should parents make sure their kids (boys and girls) know about healthy relationships and the importance of independence, good self-esteem, and being your own person? Yes, DEFINITELY.

But I also know that I don't remember once reading a book growing up and being so influenced by the characters that it changed my personal values, ethics, or whatever you want to call it. I never thought to myself, "oh well, the character in this book did it so it's okay if I emulate that." Maybe I'm in the minority there or maybe my parents just did a good job of guiding my brother and me, but that's my experience. It actually makes me think of a biography on JK Rowling in which she said that people underestimate children incredibly, that they know it's fiction and just a story. Of course, she was referring to accusations of Harry Potter promoting witchcraft, but I still think it applies. And now this has become a much longer response than I originally intended, but there you have it.

I totally agree with you on that last paragraph. At my elementary school, we had this V.I.E.W project (I can't remember what the acronym stood for now), and it was all about not being 'ist'. Sexist, racist, etc. They would go on and on about how Barbie is a terrible role model for kids and she's so unrealistic and encourages eating disorders and I always thought 'dude, she's a doll'. I have never once looked at a Barbie and gone 'oh, I must look exactly like her. Perhaps I should start walking on the balls of my feet permanently'. I think that, if your children are unable to know when a book character is NOT to be emulated, then that is the fault of you, not the book.

I wasn't sure exactly what to do about the leftover, unresolved character. Where was his happily ever after?

...Seriously? I mean, SERIOUSLY seriously?

I may have to read these for the lulz. And sparkles. My hand has been forced.

I liked the first book like Twinkies as you say, but I had a hard time with this one. I had to stop reading it for a little while because it made me so annoyed. Bella is just so goddamn selfish and can't see anything else but Edward. I felt bad for her dad, and I had no sympathy at all for Bella when her friends weren't eager to jump back into friendship with her again after she essentially dumped them for Edward, and then went all catatonic for months. She was a horrible friend to them, and it takes one to have one.

I felt bad for Jacob too, for Bella using him and for letting himself be used.

And your Cathy and Heathcliff comments are right on too - another one of my friend made similar analogies.

Bella just made me mad with her utter disregard for everyone she claims to love.

I did like Alice though.

Hee, like a super-mockity short m15m.

If I had any room left for random icons, "CHUG CHUG CHUG!" would be high on the list. ;D

seriously my sister and I, after reading this book, realized that Bella's rallying cry is 'Watch me recklessly endanger myself to hear the voice of my departed vampire boyfriend in my head!' (though its been shortened to 'Let me recklessly endanger myself to hear the voices in my head!' not much of a shortening, but just so).

lmao. I'm really hoping there's a parody somewhere in this =X ... and I really enjoyed the Twilight series (for the SWP, bring it on! Also SWP!Movie ... yay!).

"YAY! THE SPARKLY ASSHAT CAME BACK!" This made me laugh out loud! The rest of the time I was snickering because the character of Bella and some of the things in the book (like how a girl's identity is defined by her boyfriend etc) just make me want to whack her with something not so soft and fluffy.

Edited at 2008-05-16 08:27 am (UTC)

Reading these has been far more entertaining than reading the books could ever be for me. (I'm 23 and male, and even though I'm gay, I don't share this concept of "romance" you all speak of, especially re: Sparkly Vampires. I'm convinced I'll throw down any of these Twilight books in... seven pages.)

But now I know I might see the movie, haha.

Heh. I am totally seeing the movie for Robert Pattinson, I won't lie to you.

twilight was such a giggle fest for me. i kept putting it down because it was so bad. i'm tempted to read New Moon but I don't know, now that I've read your summery i think I'm quite content to not read it.


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