Occupation: Girl

Please close the door and switch on the fun without fail.

This is like reading your 15 minute movie posts, which is fantastic, because I'm curious about this book but taking the time to read it straight through would leave me wishing I could get those hours back (I still mourn the 3 I used reading "Twilight"). So, I thank you.

And yes, "Midnight Sun" is the Edward POV book- I'm looking forward to that too, for some reason. Perhaps I'm hoping it will be less angsty. Yes, apparently, I am on the crack. :P

Edited at 2008-05-18 03:11 pm (UTC)

I think I'm looking forward to MS because we know exactly what's going to happen (just from a different POV), and it's the book that induced the least rage as far as I was concerned.

So then, Jacob (6'7", in a black muscle shirt, on a motorcycle) shows up at Bella's school to rumble with Edward. You'll forgive me if I started humming "Leader of the Pack."

I forgive you, because, face it, it's his song. VRRRM!

Chapter 7: Rosalie! People told me that Rosalie gets awesome in this one.

Good, because she mopes and harumphs her way through Twilight.

Yeah... I don't really know that she delivers in this one.

The Bella/Anne Shirley comparison does have some reasoning behind it: they're both so melodramatic, I want to smack them.

The thing that bugged me about Rosalie's backstory (besides the whole BAAAAABIES!) is that it took place in 1933. As in, the Great Depression. The stock market crash. The Dustbowl. Well-off banker parents and a Richy McRapist fiancee? Not so much.

One thing that made me really angry was the way Leah was treated- she loses her boyfriend to her cousin, then has to listen to him waxing mentally poetic about Emily, and she's a "bitter harpy" while Jacob sexually assaults Bella, but it's okay, because he's a guy it's True Love? Bullshit.

I feel really sorry for Quil's imprintee. She'll never have any chance of a life of her own, because it's predetermined that she'll marry someone almost twenty years older than her. And in the meantime, he'll be her "older brother"? I'm sorry, but ew.

Right? RIGHT?

Leah's an example of other possible life ruining moments that happens because of this Fate Love bull shit. I actually thought it was hilarious that she's sort of the reason Jacob ends up with broken bones. At least, that's what I half remember. I dare not re-read to get my facts straight.

Grudgepire is the name of my new death metal band. I'll give you props in the liner notes of our bitchin' CD.

As much of a jerk as Jacob was in this book (and make no mistake, HUGE HUGE JERK), I still like him better than Edward. I mean, I still sort of hate all three of them, and I don't want Bella to end up with Jacob, but I think I could actually hang out with Jacob and not want to slap him into next month. In my perfect world, Edward and Jacob would realize they've been asses, realize they can't be around Bella because she makes them assholes, dump Bella, and run off together to have supernatural buddy adventures. But that's not going to happen. *sigh*

I do love that in Stephenie Meyer's mind, there is only really one reason to not become a vampire, and that is BABIES OMG. Not like...leaving your friends and family forever, potentially losing control and slaughtering and EATING innocent people, never being able to go to hang out on the sunny beaches again....no, you might not get to have babies.

YES, EXACTLY. And I'm really not one of those scary "childfree extreme" types. But... that's the only reason? Really?


Clue reference FTW


it's a pity the baby wasn't just a red herring.

Thank you for taking one for the team, Cleo...I was terribly curious about the novels, but Anne Rice has ruined my taste for angsty vampire novels forever. I seriously don't know if I could stomach a high school romance between a tween Lestat and the good Sweet Valley High Twin (whatever her name was) for more than a paragraph... :)

Elizabeth. The good Sweet Valley High Twin was named Elizabeth. *slaps herself for remembering that*

Oh. My. God.

That's so Mary Sue I don't know how you could've sat through it, much less read the rest of the drivel.

That bit about the gang rape? And about how it was her fault because she was so pretty? SERIOUSLY?!? And the "free reign" bit? I'd have thrown it across the room, picked it up, mailed it back to the publisher with it highlighted and told them to FIRE the ass of the editor who let that pass. But I'm betting that the editor didn't even read it, they tried, they couldn't read it, they almost died reading it and thus let their teenage daughter proof it.

What a bunch of twaddle. A stupid book about a stupid girl. Women have come so far and stuff like this seriously depresses me.

Edited at 2008-05-18 04:29 pm (UTC)

I found myself laughing so hard at this. I actually read this book out loud to my friends at lunch. (You forgot that one scene with whatsherface, the evil vampire and her lackey-- Edward telling him that in his heart he knew that "Every touch, every kiss was a lie". I nearly sprain something laughing at how cliche that was.)

Edward's plans for how to escape a hypothetically crashing plane: I'd wait till we were close enough to the ground, get a good grip on you, kick out the wall, and jump. Then I'd run you back to the scene of the accident, and we'd stumble around like the two luckiest survivors in history._Somewhere, the entire cast of Lost is giving Edward the finger.

Well, I knew I loved your blog, but now I liketotally love your blog.

AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Is Meyer trying to make us hate Charlie so it won't be so bad when Bella ditches her dad to become a vampire?

I AM SO GLAD I'M NOT THE ONLY PERSON WHO REACTED THAT WAY. Charlie being like "good for you" is my single least favorite part of all the books.

except maybe for...

Sometimes I just hate everyone.


"When Dante Gabriel Rossetti read the novel Wuthering Heights, he wrote to a friend: "The action takes place in Hell, but the places, I don't know why, have English names.""
"The action is laid in hell, only it seems places and people have English names there."

That seems about the right fit.

Just so you know, you aren't the only one who accidentally started humming the Imperial March when you saw Wedding March.

It does make it hilarious, however! =D

I'm really tempted to pick up with book #3... I couldn't finish #1 and #2 doesn't sound interesting, but this one just sounds so awful it's good. (Maybe.)

#3 made me want to scream at times, but Bella doesn't spend the whole book trying to kill herself (#2). Skipping #2 would not be all that bad an idea. Although you might want to read the sparkly suicide attempt chapters at the end.

I stayed up until 4 am last night reading The Host, Meyer's new "adult" novel.

Yeah, that's right. 4 am with silvery alien parasites. And I loved it.

Re: can I just say...

as it anything like.. animorphs?

As my father, I thought Charlie ought to sound a bit less amused and a bit more concerned.

Now, see, my dad would have presented me with a certain werewolf’s pelt within the hour.

So then Bella's low self-esteem angsts about whether Edward will still want Bella when she's no longer all warm and meaty, but no, she is his world!

I think this is the whole point of the books, and the reason they hit a fantasy nerve with young readers: Edward and Jacob love Bella absolutely and without nuance. They love her not *despite* the fact that she has no personality, no volition, and no agency, but because of it. That's perhaps reassuring and romantic to a 12-year-old girl just beginning to cope with the complexities of romantic love. I can't think of an excuse for Meyer, though, propagating this retrograde tripe.

"Why did she hit you?"
"Because I kissed her," Jacob said, unashamed.
"Good for you, kid," Charlie congratulated him.

AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Is Meyer trying to make us hate Charlie so it won't be so bad when Bella ditches her dad to become a vampire?

Nah. Charlie is male-bonding with Jacob and Edward over the foolishness of wimmin. We're not hatin' on Charlie; we're pleased to see that he has a sense of humor, finally. In a minute, Bella is going to come into the living room and ask her menfolk to open that pesky ice tray for her.

Sadly, I suspect you're right on both counts.

I chuckled more reading your overview than I did reading the books. HILARIOUS, mad props, etc, etc.

Frankly, the story needs to progress to Bella being turned, but I get the feeling that Meyer is going to milk this puppy for all it's worth; every twinkie moment, every sparkly adjective, means more money for her.

Thank you so much for enduring this for us. And yes, it does read a lot like your m15m posts. Which is AWESOME, in my humble, because I love those.

Also, I think I really do dig Alice.

After reading the first book and then the summaries of the second two, I've come to the conclusion that this is what it would be like if someone ran the Anita Blake books through some sort of Mormon de-sexing machine and aged all the principals down from their early 30s to high school age. I mean, it's so similar - hot vampire who loves the heroine even though she is incredibly obnoxious, smug and holier-than thou, hot werewolf who inexplicably ALSO loves the heroine even though she threw him over for the vampire, vampire/werewolf drama llama everywhere you turn, and creepy pack dynamics.

I'd say Meyers ripped off Hamilton but I wonder if Meyers would ever allow herself to read something that is barely-disguised soft porn.

I feel like I heard that Meyer said she'd never read any other vampire books at all, actually.

Oh Lord, Bella's decided that she wants to lose her virginity before she becomes a vampire. But he won't do that if they're not married! But she won't marry him if he won't let her become a vampire! But she won't let him make her a vampire unless he takes her cherry first! Dude, it's like that riddle about the fox and the goose and the bag of wheat trying to cross the river on a boat made for two.

LMAO - Great analogy. I still think you're brilliant. :-)

Acting on instinct, I let my hands drop to my side, and shut down. I opened my eyes and didn't fight, didn't feel . . . just waited for him to stop.

Sooooo...her instinct is to stop fighting when a guy assaults her and just let it play out?


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And it's yet another moment where things are sort of degrading, because they tell her "Dude, Bella, we were faking the nearly losing part, oh you're such a silly girl." But, of course, she has no problem with looking like an idiot, so yeah, no biggie, just go on with the same ol' crap.

Imo, Eclipse is the most fun to read with lots of good humor. It has that kind of amusing pacing that HBP did. Stephenie Meyer said her editors let her cut loose more with the humor by the 3rd book.

I just saw a synopsis for Breaking Dawn floating around on the web this morning - don't know if it's real but it's..interesting.

As August 13th draws closer, Bella is more sure than ever that she has made the right choice - forsaking her human life to spend eternity with Edward. But a new enemy stalks closer, seeking to tear Bella and Edward apart forever, one with ties to both Vampire and Werewolf. Can the treaty between the two hold? Or will the new threat force both sides to settle their blood feud once and for all?

Because when the dawn breaks an angel will fall.


Edited at 2008-05-18 06:17 pm (UTC)

Wow, despite your awesome recaps that I always love, trying to follow all that makes my brain hurt. Does it make any more sense if you're actually reading the book and not getting it secondhand?

Um, might make more sense, but it'll definitely hurt your brain more.

After reading New Moon, I seriously, seriously tried to read this but couldn't handle it. I literally did throw the book across the room.

And then had to pick it up, because it was my sister's, but I haven't had that sort of visceral reaction to bad literature since The Mists of Avalon.

What is this Third Wife business? I didn't get that far.

It was an old werewolf legend about how the werewolf chief's wife saved him from a vampire by stabbing herself and distracting the vampire with her blood. She was the chief's (wait for it) third wife. So of course, when Bella thinks Edward's in trouble, she picks up a sharp rock...

I didn't want to read these books, but now...I want to not read these books.

I kinda want these books to just.. not exist. Because I have at least two friends loved Eragon, and I get this horrible feeling they are going to pimp this one at me to.


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