Occupation: Girl

Please close the door and switch on the fun without fail.


You are the sane voice on my Flist. I SALUTE YOU. Thank god I never even so much as opened the copy of Twilight that was bought for me in 2006, and it's collecting dust on my bookshelf. Because this? This is... You're my HERO for taking the bullet for the rest of us!!!

As an aside, I thought there were supposed to be huge midnight parties last night. I was outside the biggest bookstore in Downtown Toronto at 12:30 a.m. and they had one tiny table with a sign that said "Bella's Reading List" that had the first two books on it...and the store was CLOSED. WTF?

What, World's Biggest Bookstore?

WAIT, WHAT?

So the spoilers were true? Daaaaaamn. The cracked-out wrongness is hypnotizing.

You know, I had a cousin who did the "smush our mother's names together and make a new one" thing... and we all made fun of them for it. That poor child only got stuck with Joycealyn, but still. Renesme.

My boyfriend's and mine would be even worse than Renesme: Margdice. Or Candrgo rofl.

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BRB
CRINGING.






STILL CRINGING.

You know, I was going to grab this book and read it, but I don't think I can now. Pregnancy terrifies me already, and I get enough pressure from women my mothers age about how I am such a bad person for not wanting to hold the babies all the time. I don't need this shit from Psycho-Lady Meyer as well.

OH FUCK DID JACOB JUST IMPRINT ON THE NEWBORN DEATH BABY? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? I JUST WHAT THE FUCK HOLY GODDAMN HELL.

Villagers need quotes.

Seconded. I refuse to read these books, but they're like a big flaming wreck on the other side of the internet that I have to slow down to look at.

. . . you have GOT to be fucking KIDDING ME.

Is even 'for the lulz' an acceptable excuse for this series anymore?

I'm bouncing off your "rumble" comment during the wedding and keep imagining a vampires-versus-werewolves West Side Story-type get-down, complete with jazz choreography and Leonard Berenstein lyrics.

Rosalie does indeed have great powers of bitchcraft. I still like her, even though she is a babystealer.

I've always been a fan of Leah. I especially like how the finally flipped Sam the proverbial bird. Why does S. Meyer allow only her werewolves to have any progressive traits?

The birthing scene is actually one of the creepiest things I've ever read in any novel; the creepiest thing I've ever read from any novel involving vampires or werewolves. But it's kind of amusing in that it comes smack between all this lovey-dovey glittery melodrama---suddenly, BAM, distended belly full of incubus baby snapping Bella's bones from the inside, then making literal fountains of blood like something from the Alien series. LMAO.
Jacob's Imprinting on it just makes it even more fucked up. Clive Barker directing the film of this crap FTW.

Jesus Christ. I am so glad I'm not reading this garbage.

You and me both, sister.

We're getting dangerously close to V.C. Andrews territory here...

OHGODOHGODOHGOD.

I can barely even stand to read your commentary on the pregnancy/delivery. Shit. I don't know I'll ever be able to handle it in the actual book. Excuse me, I need to go throw up a little. *shudders*

The rest of this is GOLDEN, though. (Golden like the light in Edward's eyeeeeees.) SMeyer...wtf? You honestly thought this was what people WANTED? Because it's what YOU wanted? Woman, you've got some effed up fantasies, that's all I've got to say.

I kind of love Seth and Leah. Seth for being sweet and still awesome and Leah for being the bitch of awesome.

Is it really creepy that Rosalie is so into the babyzomg or is it just me? Because she sounds like one of those women that gets obsessed with another while the other is pregnant and ends up cutting the baby out and stealing it for her own. Ew.

What really pisses me off in this is that the baby storyline is so clearly an agenda. She gives no one a choice, no one any free will, and she had to have them make a baby to complete their creepy necrophiliac family. Bella and Edward, even in the failtastic points of writing before this, were supposed to be complete in each other. (Leaving Jacob out of the equation, which is difficult, but still. And for the record, I adore Jacob. Especially in New Moon. He was a douche last time around, but NM Jake? I want him as my bestie.) Still, all the ridiculous plotlines aside, the initial setup of Twilight was Edward and Bella's soulmate kind of completeness in one another, and it's a beautiful thought and idea, though a total fantasy. She fucked around with it with Jake, but still she left it B/E is DESTINYYYY. Until now. And now suddenly they cannot be complete together without the demon spawn baby of fail, which requires vomity fountains of blood, and necrophilia, and pedophilia, and heaven or hell only knows what else is wrong with this storyline. WUT. Bella, who started out rather independent (okay, maybe for 100 pages, but still) and didn't want to marry young and didn't want to have children that much, becomes a weepy, fuzzy-headed mother type and all she wants is the bebe and all Edward wants is for her to be happy and live, until he too falls under the Nessie spell, and then they all wantz the bebe and it is just creepy and wrong and galling and for that alone, the entire series fails and crumples apart. I have no issues with kids or babies or women who want to be mothers, but it annoys me, like you said, that it becomes ALL they care about. Women aren't complete without the kidlets. Um. No. Can't they be worthwhile people/vampires/werewolves without procreation? We are our own individual selves first. It's not the uterus that defines us.

How the hell can they EVER make this crap into a movie? Lord. It would be the most messed up/redonkulous thing ever.

I swear, had I been a little or younger girl reading this, I would be scarred for life. We may have a whole generation who refuses to have babies, and when asked why, they'll say, "It broke Bella's SPINE, YO."

"How the hell can they EVER make this crap into a movie? Lord. It would be the most messed up/redonkulous thing ever."

Yeah, but imagine actually being there, MAKING the movie. The retakes. The bloopers. The corn syrup w/food colouring everywhere. So much awesome, hilarious fun.

Wow. Let that be a lesson, pre-teen girls. Never ever have sex or scary monster babies will tear their way out of your vag.

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I love you for doing this, by the way. I would never ever be able to read these but it is so horribly fascinating.

At least they didn't name him Jerry

“He’s happy,” Edward said in an incredulous voice.

(Dustin Hoffman voice) I was kinda hoping that Death Baby would have no emotions whatsoever. Because what do we do when Death Baby gets angry?

The bit about how baby vampires apparently chew their way outta the womb was something I ran into whilst reading Poppy Z. Brite's Lost Souls (gay druggie vampires)...

Maybe this is why the only vampire fiction I've really enjoyed in recent years was Kim Newman's Anno Dracula novels...

A couple of the young ladies in my writer's group seem to like this Twilight stuff... um...

Re: At least they didn't name him Jerry

That's where I though I read of that before! Thanks. It's been a while since I've read Lost Souls.

I'm not familiar with the...type of thing I'm seeing.

ohdeargodplzgettopartthreeeeeeeeeeee.

this is brilliant.

whenever i waste the brain power trying to actually hear the dialogue, as one does with better books, i always fucking get tripped up with bella. does she have to say "oh" before saying edward or jacob's name EVERY FUCKING TIME!?!?!!!11one "oh, edward!" "oh, jacob!" "oh, michelin man!" nobody talks like that in real life. nobody. thank god for your summary saving me having to suffer through it.

Good gods. I hope Robert Patterson has an extra panic level for his hair warning system when he hears where the Sparkly True Love ends up...

Actually never mind his hair, MINE is standing on end after reading that! I am torn between being sick, laughing, or being sick from laughing.

(The wtf icons in all the comments on this post is just fantastic. There should be a word for a group of icons like that.)

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Thank you so so much for doing this. My book will take at least two weeks to get to me and I certainly would DIE waiting! Lol.

I can't believe Stephenie has done this! I am not sure if to be appalled, amused or in awe for her nerve, hehe. Hope you don't take too long with the last book...

And thank you SO MUCH again.

Rosali
(Lima, Peru)

*Head...desk*

And people ask me why I spoil myself. Seriously.

This is awesome...now I don't have to read the book!

*is still only halfway through New Moon*

LMAO!

I have never read any of the Twilight books, nor do I care to, but this is HILARIOUS! It's like really bad fanfic.

...

YA books have sure changed a lot from what I grew up with. Bruising, pillow-biting sex? Threesome/Girl-sharing schemes? Delightfully Awful graphic deathbaby scenes? Yikes.

And parents were against Harry Potter because there was witchcraft - oh the horror!


Oh but it was pillow biting sex and death babies after marriage!

Oh sweet Jesus on a cracker with cheez whiz.

I'm. I just... There are freakin' no freakin' words.

None. No freakin' words.

Except that I may be more in love with you than a straight girl should be.

...really? Really?

I'm torn between laughing and cringing.

?

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