Occupation: Girl

Please close the door and switch on the fun without fail.

OH NO WAI UUUGH SO MUCH MARY SUE PUKAGE. Oh No Bella will always be better than me nooooooo.....!

I have been cackling about this book all day. I can't wait for all the Twihard's reactions. How does this pseudo-crackfic even get published in the first place? I mean DANG WHAT. I hope even the most devoted fangirls realise what a steaming pile of hilarious crap this book is.

Also, I am a Mormon (and a 17 year old girl) and yeah? This woman makes us look really bad. She goes all psycho with the (pretty ok) family values that our church teaches and twists them into this perverted/pedophilic/dang awful mess. I'm sort of ashamed to be even remotely affiliated with the person that could write this book.

That being said I only got 32 pages into the first book. As soon as I saw the immortal line "my carry-on item was a parka" I knew I was not going to get along with this book at all.

PRAISE ALL THE POWERS THAT BE FOR YOUR RECAPS. This way I can make educated snarks about the books without having to read them.

I think the best part is the fact that Bella is THE BESTEST PRITTIEST KEWLEST VAMPIRE EVER. Of course she is! SHE'S A SPECIAL FLOWER.


I giggled happy at the end myself. It was so cute!

I love your icon!

Yeah it is more of a BELLA SMASH! I think.

I have been waiting all night for this! I'm so happy that now I don't have to read the book until I am avoiding studying for finals again. You deserve sainthood for reading and recapping them.

Wow. Just...wow.

That's about all I can manage for now.

RPattz breaking furniture all night long... Yummy.

If only Edward said something

If only Edward assured Bella that sex after becoming a vampire would be so fantastic, then they wouldn't have done it while she was human, so no baby part. The Volturi could still show up with another excuse but the middle of the book would be cut out.


But wait - Jacob was in love with Bella cuz Bella would one day give birth to his One True Love and... what if she had slept with him instead? EW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, what the hell?! Gross.


You know, I realized that I'm reading this because of lines like: "POW! WHAT NOW, MOTHERFUCKER?" It just makes the series. I think that if I read the books, the absence of your commentary would leave it...hollow. Thank you for this, because it rocked.

Oh, man, that line gave me the great visual of Seargent Doakes busting in on the vampires. But maybe that's just me.

I feel like I need a cigarette and a cocktail before I even BEGIN to start processing this mess.

I will admit, part 3? Surprisingly awesome.

I think the main reason, as far as I've seen, that the hardcore fans are mad now is because of the general baby thing. Meyer herself said it wasn't possible before, and all of them would see it in fanfic and be all "Pssh, not possible" and now it's actually happened in canon, making all those formerly ridiculous fanfics totally true. I think they were also waiting for Bella to have to face sacrifices in this one, and she didn't, hell, she got things she never even asked for.

And then of course there's the huge WTFUCKERY that is Jacob imprinting on a baby. Bella's baby, of all things.

I wouldn't say I'm a hardcore fan, but that was my problem with this one.

Sure, vamps can't have blood rush to their cheeks, but their groins! You bet! And no...they don't cry or use the bathroom, but hells yes they've got sperm!

Plus...I didn't really need Bella spewing forth a "fountain of blood." I didn't sign up for that. I signed up for the vaguely referenced sex and the sparkles.

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...I got a headache from reading this. I can't imagine how you actually got through this book.

I echo those sentiments.

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Hey, "Renesmee" looks like a real word to me now, and it doesn't worry me enough, either.

Bless You, Bless you for eternity, that was so freaking awesome..

I can now imagine thousands of teenage girls being immensely squicked out by the pregnancy/birth..

and theres no way they can make THAT into a movie 8-)

So much better than reading the book myself. You are awesome.

BRavo! Thank you so much for taking this for the team; I spent more of this in hysterics/state of disbelief. "What, REALLY? REALLY? ...oh, wait, this is Twilight."

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A reading of hers? Oh man. If I was there? I'd get so overcome with lulz I'd prob have to walk out. Because it's really hard to read those books with out going "Jigga whaaa? LOLOLOL!!!!11"

And that would probably be rude. Heh. Do it.

Your reviews were recommended to me by a friend, and now I have to say that you're my favourite person ever. T^T *tears of JOY*

Serious LOLZ here. Serious WIN. .... *flyingtackleglomp*

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I have to say: Icon LOVE.

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On her wrist was an intricately braided Quileute version of a promise ring.

A part of my soul just died.

My jaw dropped to the floor at that. It took me a few minutes to recover and resume reading this review.

Not sure where I got this link *waves*, but I just wanted to say thank you for reading this so I will NEVER NEVER HAVE TO. Bless you.

Anyway, Edward got Bella a car for her birthday. No, another one (a Ferrari). Carlisle and Esme got Bella a cottage out in the forest behind the house.

Oh, no fucking way.

Oh so fucking way. And it's a magical cottage! The kind that a unicorn would just totally stroll past at any moment!

I love your summary. Whatever desire I had to read the books has been obliterated and that's perfectly fine :)

But this:
The Romanians: Vladimir and Stefan, who weren't actually invited, but are really, creepily eager to see someone take the Volturi down. Apparently their grudges go back 1500 years? Damn. Jacob calls them "Dracula 1 and Dracula 2." Man, it's good to love Jacob again after the four-hundred-page aneurysm that was Eclipse.
I swear at first that it said "The Romulans"

Oh man, me too. I think Edward is a Betazoid though.


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