People, there are going to be Twilight dolls. We must scour the internets to find out who is making them. I can't imagine they'd just be plastic "action figures," because it's not like boys are going to be the least bit interested in these things. No--due to the primarily female audience, these have GOT to be dolls. Dolls with the most boring wardrobes ever. And I am DYING to know who will be making them, because that will go a long way towards deciding whether I would endure the shame of buying any. Tonner, for example, would be a logical choice, if only because they could then reuse the Edward mold for a Cedric doll (with Bath-Taking, Boy-Hugging, Falling-Over-Dead action) in their Harry Potter line. But there are tons of companies who could do it--multiple companies could get licenses, actually. There is a whole terrifying range of dollness to contemplate--

"Oh, NO. HELL NO," shouts Anna Dollerious from The Shelf on the other side of the room. "You've already got me stuck up here with that bitch-ass Sleeping Beauty, I am not having THAT." Aurora spends a lot of time smiling vacantly and waving to her "subjects," a small pile of Webkinz. I think that if I had more than one male doll (that would be Fugagorn, the Fug of Men, already a hotly-contested property on The Shelf), she might actually have a partner to dance and sing Disney songs with. Which is my point, ANNA.

"YOU ARE NOT LEAVING ME UP HERE WITH BELLA MOTHERFUCKING SWAN, I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT," shouts Anna, waving her tiny pistol. "I AM TELLING YOU, I AM NOT HAVING THAT SHIT."

I... I had not actually considered buying a Bella, actually. I am kind of surprised to realize this. Although, now that I start thinking about the female characters, an Alice Dollen would probably be pretty awesome. She could be friends with White Arwen (man, she and White Arwen and a Tonner Luna Lovegood would have the best times being space cadets together). Maybe I could find that old yellow Barbie Corvette from when I was a kid for Alice to hotwire...

(Hmm. Bella. She could have really awesome hair, though. The Arwens might really enjoy braiding that. On the other hand, I'd probably wake up every morning and find Bella Swan Dollen in a mangled heap of ball joints on the floor. Anna would disavow all knowledge--"OH LOOK SHE FELL AGAIN, YOU KNOW HOW CLUMSY SHE IS"--but we would all know what happened. And then there's Eowyn, who is only ever thinking about one thing--right now, she's whaling away on a plush armadillo with Fugagorn's crooked sword. I'm not sure The Shelf can handle yet another sexually frustrated doll, so... getting a Bella may not be a good idea.)

It's sad that I had immediately assumed that an Edward would be purchased, though, particularly since male dolls always look like crap and I've only ever bought one (see: Fugagorn. And he was on deep discount), but... I think that last discussion we had, where the girls got a glimpse of the Will Turner doll, put the idea in my head: we need some more doll testosterone around here. Edward automatically has the no-weapon-accessories thing going against him, but I'll just get Anna... hey, you know what I bet Anna would love? Those long clear plastic forks they put in floral arrangements to hold cards. You know, the ones that kind of look like tridents? She would LOVE a trident. I'll get her a trident, maybe another sword--do they just sell random doll accessories out there? I mean, I know they sell random miniature food and furniture and even doll jewelry and whatnot. Do they sell random for-any-doll weapons? Like swords and daggers and battleaxes (OH SHIT ANNA WOULD LOVE AN AXE) and stuff? Note to self: look into this.

ANYWAY, MY POINT was that we need another boy doll. Of some kind. Any kind. "Will he sparkle?" asks Purple Arwen, ever pragmatic. Well, I don't know, Arwen--I don't know who's making the Twilight dolls yet. Although it is probably safe to say that he won't. "Well, you've got that old jar of craft glitter. We can make this happen."

Eowyn puts down Fugagorn's sword. "What are we making happen?"

"Edward Sparklepants Cullen, she's gonna get one for us!"

You guys, I didn't say I was definitely going to--

"Okay, look--did you ever get me a Faramir?"

Well, no, but I don't think they make one--

"Exactly. You owe me."

"And I am intrigued by this Carlisle Sainted Cullen you keep referring to. Isn't he blond, too? He might be an acceptable Celeborn substitute."

Are you serious? That hair gives me the wig, Gladdy. That man should not be blond, it's just not right--

"I SAID--"

JESUS OKAY DON'T GET YOUR RAGE ON AGAIN. I'LL LOOK INTO IT.

"So, what--are we each getting a Cullen or do we all have to share Edward?" You can always trust Eowyn to stay focused.

"Don't get me the meathead. Which one was in the Mexican Vampire Wars? I could dig that. And what about the Will Turner? We never resolved that. Because, seriously. Doesn't he have, like, a sword and a pistol and a--"

YOU GUYS I AM NOT MADE OF MONEY, WHAT THE HELL. I CAN'T EVEN AFFORD CAPTAIN SWANN-TURNER YET. YOU ARE GETTING AN EDWARD, ONLY AN EDWARD, ONE EDWARD, MAYBE, IF I SAVE ALL MY PENNIES.

"Well, then, you absolutely cannot get a Bella. We'll never see the Edward if you do. Or you'll have to get two of them."

"Bitch, please. We'd still never see either of them."

Well, she has a point. Bella Swan is a stone-cold freak, God bless her--we all know that. NOT THAT YOU GUYS ARE ANY BETTER. And how insulting has this got to be to Fugagorn? I don't even know where he is--he's probably off moping somewhere. Wait, no--there he is, slumped over in the corner with Purple Arwen, who's gone back to see how he's doing and is chafing his brow now. Except that she doesn't really have a soothing look on her face. It's more impatient. Kind of... predatory.

"Please," he says. "Get them an Edward. Get them as many Edwards as they want. You have to get him. Somebody. Anybody. I am tired."

I... I am not ever getting up in the middle of the night again, y'all. Not for a drink of water, not for nothing. I just... I don't even want to know. There are some things that (wo)man was just not meant to see.

Tags: dolls, lord of the rings, pirates of the caribbean, sparkle motion, the secret life of dolls, twilight, van helsing
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