Occupation: Girl - I can't believe I'm doing this

I can't believe I'm doing this

: cleolinda; August 21st, 2009

Okay, look. I can't be at the computer a whole lot and I can post links even less, particularly since I'm cleaning madly for the lunchtime electricians, but we have got to get a few things out of the way because this is the subject of half my inbox this morning:

Yes, I have seen the sparklecock. Yes, you too can now own your own unofficially Twilight-themed glitter dildo. Well, technically I haven't looked at it yet, although I have read the description ("THROW IT IN THE FRIDGE FOR THAT AUTHENTIC EXPERIENCE"?), because I am on the family computer and I will never, ever be able to explain this.

And yes, Edward's life-size shadow can watch you while you use it.

Excuse me, I have to go bleach my mind's eye now.

(Also, Amazon's Tonner prom exclusive Bella has her own little leg cast. Apparently the doll's product name--the way the SDCC Edward exclusive was "Hungry"--is "Turn Me." I... I really don't like thinking about all three of these items being in the same room.)

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Tags: actual sparkle motion, dolls, i am never making it up, scary, sex, tonner, twilight, why god why, wtf

( 133 comments — Leave a comment )

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allthelivesofme

2009-08-21 02:17 pm (UTC)

*collapses laughing*

feisty_beden

2009-08-21 02:22 pm (UTC)

Oh mah fucking hell. That ... I ... oh god. Please to be passing the brain bleach?

omarandjohnny

2009-08-21 02:23 pm (UTC)

And yes, Edward's life-size shadow can watch you while you use it.

THAT'S IT. I'm building a fallout bunker in my backyard. Who wants to join me?

crypticidentity

2009-08-21 04:43 pm (UTC)

Appropriate Signs icon ftw. I'll join you. [starts making molotov cocktails]

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cleo_eurydike — Expand

2009-08-21 02:27 pm (UTC)

"THROW IT IN THE FRIDGE FOR THAT AUTHENTIC EXPERIENCE"? I couldn't help but think of your comment in the Breaking Dawn recap: it would be like fucking a popsicle.

2009-08-21 02:34 pm (UTC)

It would, in fact, be just like that.

I can't believe they WENT THERE.

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-.-() —

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troubleinchina

2009-08-21 02:29 pm (UTC)

And you shared those mental images with us all.

Oh Cleo, I love you so much.

Now I'm going to delete my browser history and hide under my bed.

cherrysakura5

2009-08-21 02:31 pm (UTC)

I'm not into Twitter but I still follow:
I love how the moment a Twilight-themed glitter dildo comes out, the reaction of Earth's entire population is, "HAS CLEO SEEN THIS YET?????"

LOL! When I heard about it I actually did wonder if you've seen it.

2009-08-21 02:35 pm (UTC)

I suppose it could be worse--the reaction of Earth's entire population could be, "I have to SEND Cleo one of these!"

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darksumomo — Expand

BAH, AH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

juniperbrea

2009-08-21 02:40 pm (UTC)

This is just... thanks, you've made my day with this rediculousness! I'll be laughing all day, I've texted two of my devoeted twilightie friends, and I know they'll be angry because I woke them, but it was too priceless not too.

Re: BAH, AH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

modern_love

2009-08-21 04:20 pm (UTC)

Holy crap your icon. *iz ded from teh lulz*

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elbales — Expand

2009-08-21 02:42 pm (UTC)

A dildo is cool. A pale flesh-like dildo is cool. Especially one that's life like.

But one that fucking SPARKLES and is CALLED Vamp? That's some serious sick shit right there. Not to mention the silloette. Doesn't that border on harrasment for the actor? I mean, seriously, they're just making it easier for the loons to stalk him even more!

*feels violently ill*

author_by_night

2009-08-21 02:47 pm (UTC)

Doesn't that border on harrasment for the actor?

Do they use the actor, though? If they do, yeah, that's pretty twisted, but if it's just Edward, that doesn't necessarily mean the actor.

However, have not looked at the pictures, so. And if it's true? Yeah, that's actually very stalkery and disturbing.

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author_by_night

2009-08-21 02:45 pm (UTC)

I don't have any desire to see the sparkildoe, but... part of me is horrified, however part of me couldn't be less surprised. O_o

2009-08-21 02:51 pm (UTC)

I was mostly surprised that it took them a year to get one out.

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bloodwings1

2009-08-21 02:50 pm (UTC)

I love the VIDEO of it sparkling in the sun.... the music is just so insanely funny, all dark and vampy while it sparkles.

Why do I want to go post it on TwiMoms?

*smacks own hand*

2009-08-21 03:12 pm (UTC)

Based on the things I've read about Twi-moms, I bet they post it on their own. And order. Bleach, bleach, bleach!!!

And yet I still cannot stop laughing!

2009-08-21 02:55 pm (UTC)

oh my word

D:

2009-08-21 03:07 pm (UTC)

Have you seen

grrm's news on Game of Thrones casting yet? Hollywood Reporter finally spilled the beans, and now Martin himself is free to post about it.

2009-08-21 03:08 pm (UTC)

*reaches for bleach*

Oh dear GOD. Only you would think to share this. I am both horrified and yet...amused.

The Tonner people are losing it, I swear.

Jacob Dildo`

juniperbrea

2009-08-21 03:15 pm (UTC)

Was thinking about this and laughing to myself, how about a Jacob one that you "Just pop in the microwave for that a hundred and werewolf temperature" lol

Re: Jacob Dildo`

fading_october

2009-08-21 03:28 pm (UTC)

oh dear...I didn't even think about that---

my mind is already shot within the first couple minutes online.

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rhoda_rants

2009-08-21 03:21 pm (UTC)

AHAHAHAHAHAHA

I was so hoping this was a joke. Twilight means never having to say you're kidding. (c)

*sings* Come take a ride on my disco stick...

ofshoesandships

2009-08-21 03:38 pm (UTC)

"*sings* Come take a ride on my disco stick..."

You win.

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fading_october

2009-08-21 03:28 pm (UTC)

I knew about the vibe...the shadow...omg. Are...are you fucking kidding me? I think the scary part is that when we were talking about the home-made Bella womb that was the freakiest it would get. I was sadly mistaken :(

I'm not a very big fan of the Tonner prom set...I think Bella looks really bad with the white sweater...I wonder if it looks any better without it.

2009-08-21 04:05 pm (UTC)

I don't know...I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that the homemade Bella womb is still freakier. But not by much. At least I can *try* to understand the thought process that went into this.

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greedyskunk

2009-08-21 03:29 pm (UTC)

The dildo is hilarious, but the shadow wall decal...super creepy! Wait, new party game! Pin the sparklecock on the stalker.

Sorry, I get loopy when I haven't had enough coffee. I'm really digging the "I am never making it up" tag, btw.

Good luck with the electricians today!

2009-08-21 04:02 pm (UTC)

Sorry, I get loopy when I haven't had enough coffee. I'm really digging the "I am never making it up" tag, btw.

The "actual sparkle motion" tag is funniest for this post, for me. The "i am never making it up" is the most applicable for all Twilight related news though.

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greedyskunk — Expand

2009-08-21 03:38 pm (UTC)

Edward Cullen doesn't believe in sex, but if he did, he'd wear a condom. Be safe, all. Be. Safe.

2009-08-22 11:34 pm (UTC)

So none of the sparkles rub off. He wants to keep them all.

2009-08-21 04:05 pm (UTC)

My min, she is blown.

2009-08-21 04:06 pm (UTC)

Er, *mind*. My *mind*, she is blown. [There, now you have proof.]

water_of_fire

2009-08-21 04:15 pm (UTC)

I never thought I'd say this: Oh man, poor RPattz.

mazarin221b

2009-08-21 05:55 pm (UTC)

At some event in the next 5 months, you *know* he's going to be asked to sign a sparkecock. You know he will. Poor guy.

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2009-08-21 04:37 pm (UTC)

Twilight is the like the gift that keeps on giving. Just when I think the craziness is dying down, shit like this comes out and leaves me with my jaw somewhere near my crotch.

The glitter wang is hilarious but the silhouette? Is sooo freakin' creepy. Why do people think stalking is hot? I had a college roommate who was stalked by an ex and it was scary as shit. He drove from Washington D.C. to Syracuse just to sit in front of our apartment building in his car all night for a week in a row. I called the cops and luckily they were able to chase him off but I didn't sleep that week.

In conclusion, stalking != sexy

2009-08-21 04:50 pm (UTC)

Ah, Twilight, the fandom that showed me I can cringe and laugh hysterically at the same time...

Also, Hi Cleo, your blog is great and I hope things stop blowing up/you get a working computer/strangers will stop showing you dildos.

2009-08-21 04:52 pm (UTC)

THROW IT IN THE FRIDGE FOR THAT AUTHENTIC EXPERIENCE

HOLY CRAP that's a quote, not something you made up?? WOE!

2009-08-21 06:10 pm (UTC)

Twilight means never having to say you're kidding. For real.

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lightandwinged

2009-08-21 05:05 pm (UTC)

THROW IT IN THE FRIDGE FOR THAT AUTHENTIC EXPERIENCE made me choke on a bite of Pop-Tart. XD

I can't decide if it's more hilariously awesome or hideously terrifying.

2009-08-21 05:14 pm (UTC)

O_O

WHUT

TWIHARDS WITH NO LIVES, LET ME SHOW YOU THEM.

( 133 comments — Leave a comment )

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