Occupation: Girl

Please close the door and switch on the fun without fail.

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*flop*
pallas cat - blue steel
cleolinda
Good news: getting a lot of writing done. Bad news: the last slat fell out of my bed late last night and I had to sleep, for inferior values of "sleep," on the couch. Explanation of bad news: I have an old hand-me-down queen-sized bed (it has appeared in Secret Life pictures a couple of times) that I ended up with after my mother and stepfather got married and merged their furniture. It's great and all, but it has only three, loosely-fitting wooden slats beneath the box spring; they tend to shift diagonally over time until one falls out and onto the floor. Well, me being a lazy cuss, I was like, "What? There's some boxes under the bed, it'll hold." Because wrestling with the various slabs of mattress on that bed is a two-person job, and wahhhhh I don't wanna. Well, here we are seven months later: I'm sleeping on two fallen slats, a packing box, four piles of old magazines and a precariously sunken mattress. Because I rock it classy like that. And then the other shoe--or slat, rather--dropped. Which wouldn't even have stopped me except that the bed was severely tilted towards the headboard and shuddered weirdly when I sat on it. So the couch it was.

I did not sleep very well, is what I'm saying.




Which is pretty much what the couch looked like by the time the dogs had finished piling onto me.

Meanwhile, longtime reader spectralbovine writes,

I'm raising money for 826 Valencia, which provides writing workshops for students from elementary school through high school as well as resources for teachers. They offer one-on-one tutoring for everything from fiction to college application essays. They even publish their work in books, which does wonders for their self-esteem and confidence. They also run the pirate store in the Mission, and I try to support them when I can because I believe in their mission to promote the literary arrrrrrts.

On February 17, 826 Valencia is hosting a Spelling Bee for Cheaters. I am on a fundraising team of LIBRARIANS (Dewey, Cheatum, and Howe), and the more money we raise as a team, the more we can cheat in order to beat such luminaries as Pulitzer Prize-winner Michael Chabon and the inimitable Lemony Snicket, not to mention Adam Savage from Mythbusters, John Vanderslice, and Tracy Chapman. Of course, the real reason we're raising money is to benefit the children. Every little bit, from $1 to $100, helps keep these programs free for students. It's a great organization and a fun fundraiser that I think would be relevant to your readership! I'm trying to raise $5,000, and I think I can pull it off with everyone's help. Here's my donation page. Thanks!

While you consider this, I have to go assist my mother. She's now under the bed with a hammer. "Your job," she says, "is to call for help."


ETA WTF:

@cleolinda: I just found a bottle of 1995 cabernet sauvignon under my bed. I HAVE NO IDEA.

@cleolinda: Oh. Here's a bottle of white from 1993, a binder full of research I'd torn up the house for, and an old dog chew toy.

@cleolinda: This is even better than the time I found a bottle of vodka in my DVD cabinet. Also: a five dollar bill and 60 cents in change!


@alliancesjr: Under your bed? Seriously?

@cleolinda: SERIOUSLY. I DON'T EVEN KNOW.

@alliancesjr: Step 1: Plant Bottles of Wine. Step 2: ....? Step 3: PROFIT


@justinpie:
 wouldn't you have been like 15 then?

@cleolinda: I wasn't even living in this HOUSE then!

@justinpie: oh right

@cleolinda: MAYBE IT IS GHOST WINE

@justinpie: SPIRITS

@cleolinda: ba-dum-tishhhhhh


@cleolinda: Two bottles of wine I have never seen before http://twitpic.com/40a7di

@elizabethdehoff: Oooh. OK, it's actually quite possible that both of them will be good -- maybe even exceptional!

@cleolinda: How did we even end up with wine this good in the house?

@leanwellback: seriously, that red would go for about $60. It's one thing to find cheap mystery alcohol, but quality wine is quite another.


@particle_person: Well you have to tell us how good they are! Excellent excuse to invite friends for wine tasting party!

@cleolinda: "There's wine under my bed and you're invited!"

@particle_person: EXACTLY. THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. "Bring cheese."


@tokaikko: The Wine Fairy paid you a visit? I wonder what you're doing right that I'm not.

@cleolinda: You can't explain that. RT @queenanthai: @cleolinda http://twitpic.com/40acc6


@cleolinda on Twitpic



@particle_person: Any chance your sister was doing a little smuggling from the parental stash and needed a place to store the loot?

@cleolinda: I really don't think so--she drinks hard liquor, mostly.

(What? She's twenty-five now, she can do that.)

@particle_person: It really can only be the Wine Fairy then.

@cleolinda: All I can think is that maybe I was going to take it to a party? And then didn't go? But then how did I get such good wine?

@particle_person: EVERYBODY SEEN A LEPRECHAUN SAY YEAH




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I know nothing about wine (for one thing, I'm still underage), so until I looked it up my first reaction to "STILL WHITE WINE" was that it was meant to be reassuring.

"DON'T WORRY, NOTHING'S CHANGED, IT'S STILL WHITE WINE. NOBODY'S COME ALONG AND TURNED IT INTO WATER FOR A PARTY TRICK. YOU CAN STILL GET DRUNK OFF THIS!"

Hee.

Just checked for funsies, incidentally, and all that's under my bed are some old posters and flattened boxes and I feel cheated.

I'm way overage, and glad I wasn't the only one who thought that about the still White wine.

oh the things one finds when you clean out the area under the bed!!!

Enjoy your mystery wine. =D

I discovered mystery booze in my bedroom closet a few days ago. Sadly, it was Texas Spirit tequila, which is basically rocket fuel in a plastic jug. I've tried giving it away, but it's like a white elephant gift. My law school friends, who as a group are the biggest bunch of drunks I've ever met, won't even touch it.

At least your mystery booze is drinkable?

I hope?

Man, that sounds like Aristocrat vodka. Swear to God, that stuff was like paint thinner. Oh, college.

I forgot about minibottles of Chambord and Grand Marnier behind a picture frame. There's also a condom that says "Admit One," so it seems like the liquor fairy was planning a party.

a condom that says "Admit One,"

BRB, dying of laughter...

You know you can screw slats into the bed frame, right?

I'd...actually managed to completely forget about the slat issue in all the Mystery Bed Wine excitement.

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There two bottles of vodka and one bottle of champagne in the closet.
Frankly, I'm afraid to look under the bed...

I'm thinkin' your mom? She might deserve a glass of wine after crawling under the bed with a hammer ;). Yay for a fixed bed!

I think the Shelfians are bringing you tribute.

I am afraid to clean out from under my bed, tbh. There's a reason my parents called it "the blackhole" when I was a teenager. Besides, I doubt there's something as awesome as wine under there. It's mostly dust bunnies, old backpacks, and books that have spilled out of the basket beside my bed and gotten kicked under there on accident.

I have a terrible fear that there are various surprises under my old bed from years of cats patrolling their territory.

P.S. My bed is held up by three slats as well. When I was a teenager they all broke at one point and so I was sleeping on a mattress and box springs pretty on the floor. My floor used to be slanted as well and so I had to put a book under one leg so I wouldn't slide to the bottom of my bed in the night. (It was repaired when I was 15 with support beams in the garage and I got a redecoration out of the whole thing.)

You know you're going to have to drink them both and tell us how they are right?

I'm terrified to look under my bed, I have a shit ton of old shoe boxes down there that I've had since I was 10, I don't even want to think about what's in them/

Your mom was under there repairing the bed, right? It probably belongs to your parents. Or is a gift?

She'd never seen the wine before either.

I JUS WANNA KNOW WHERE DA GOLD AT

Ladies and gentlemen: Mobile, Alabama. *bows*

Whoa! Mystery booze!

Thanks for promoting my cause! I am past $5,000 now, but I want to get as much as possible to be declared the Top Fundraiser (I have a nemesis who manages to get single donations in the $400 - $800 range, and she's at $4,950, right on my tail. Me, I think a whoooooole lot of smaller donations can top a few big ones.)

If you donate, I will write you a limerick! A donation of $25 or more gets you a hard-to-spell word incorporated into your limerick. I've written limericks about mesothelioma, logorrhea, guerdons, euonyms, and certiorari. None of which Firefox recognizes as a word. Ha.

Please support this great cause! Who knows, maybe the world will repay you with MYSTERY BOOZE.

I don't drink alcohol, so MYSTERY BOOZE is not a good bribe for me, but I'd love a limerick! I donated $5, which I guess gets me one written entirely in monosyllables.

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I BLAME THE DOLLS.

They were going to have a grown-ups night. Yes. They totally, totally were.

I was gonna suggest that one of the Edwards brought it in, but everyone knows that vampires don't drink.....wine. /gary oldman

(feel free to beat me up now)

Actual LOL. Well-played!

Your bed, it has alcohol in it!

Portal to Narnia in armoire: Awesome.
Portal to Vineyard under bed: AWESOMER!

^This! Wine under your bed pretty much makes you the coolest person of all time.

I had a failed painting on a large sheet of plywood that I put under my bed. It did a wonderful job of fixing the problem of falling through. Maybe you can put wood between the slats?

"I'm sorry, sir, did you say you had a . . . leprechaun flute?"

Passed down for thousands of years! From his great grandfather! Who was Irish!

My slat fell out of the bed at the cottage this past year. I ended up on the couch too. It was part of a evil scheme the cottage had to kill me. The slat fell out of my bed, then I fell down the stairs (not seriously wounded), then the AC started giving off this awful smell, then the lamp sparked and smoked and then the blade fell off the fan. It was not a good day.

My parents used to use my bedroom as storage for Things That Don't Fit Elsewhere. I used to have a vacuum in my closet and my dad's SAD light in it's off-season. Now we use my brother's old room for that thing. Was there a wine storage crisis in your past?

Your Bed: Alcohol is in under it!

?

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