Occupation: Girl

Please close the door and switch on the fun without fail.

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TEAM LAMPJAW
twilight lolcat
cleolinda
No, I don't have anything better to do on a Friday night than sit at home, listen to really old Bryan Adams, and fuck around on Twitter. We've already taken my mother out for her birthday dinner and come back, I don't know what else you want from me.


@Salome: @cleolinda So OF COURSE they have these personalize-your-own vampire books... http://www.bookbyyou.com/teen/default.asp




 
@cleolinda: NO I DO NOT WANT MY CREEPY VAMPIRE STALKER TO BE NAMED "Gristle McThornbody" WHERE MAY I DEMAND A REFUND

@Salome: http://incompetech.com/gallimaufry/mstnames.html  You should see the deep convos he has w/his BFF, Trunk Slamchest.


Re: personalize-your-own-vampire books:

@Maxasaurusrex: I thought that was what Twilight was.

@cleolinda: Yes, but it saves you the trouble of crossing out "Bella" and writing your own name in by hand.

@Maxasaurusrex: Oh, well that's nice of them.


@KiranPeg: Was your creepy vampire stalker a playable character on Oregan Trail before he decided to earn a restraining order from you?

@cleolinda: I don't know, but that might explain why all his oxen have died.


@cleolinda: I think Smash Lampjaw is really more my stalkervamp style. The chiseled good looks and disturbing creeper rage are right there in the name!

@merveille: Look, you simply cannot get any better than Big McLargeHuge.

@cleolinda: That's what she said?


@Salome: I'm also partial to Flint Ironstag. The full preview, btw, is the living end. You two meet when a bookcase falls on your head.

Aw, Howards End is one of my favorite books! Oh, Smash, how did you know?

@Salome: @cleolinda BRB, Mary Sue-ing the werewolf book.

@cleolinda: Oh my God, I can't believe they actually suggest actresses' names.





@Salome: "Are you completely devoid of creativity? Do you need your hand held? Mash the keyboard with your palm."

@cleolinda: OH MY GOD I JUST REALIZED THE TRUE PURPOSE OF THIS THING. You pay to have your name put in, and... the male suggestions.







Because this guy's life isn't hard enough. And is Wolfboy even legal yet?

This is not even to speak of the other instructions. Only capitalize the first letter? YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!











@beyondimensions: OMG http://www.bookbyyou.com/hotblooded/default.asp It's even better than the teen ones.

@queenanthai: In Hot Blooded, Doctor Professorman and Fangy McStereotype cross paths in one steamy encounter after another...

CLOSE ENOUGH.


Note: Hot Blooded is a romance featuring two men in the leads. Looking for a vampire tale for a man and woman? Try Vampire Kisses!

I like how they're suddenly suggesting actors who are DEFINITELY OF AGE for the smutty ones. In fact, I'm pretty sure Robert Redford is all of our ages put together these days.


@beyondimensions: You realize a slash with Jacob and Edward is now possible with this book, right? I mean, for someone to have it in hard copy.

@cleolinda: Emphasis on "hard."


Don't think that Bella and Alice are left out in the cold, though.


@cleolinda: Oh my God, this is mortifying. I am totally going to fill it out now.


I honestly I have no idea what it says, because I was too embarrassed to read most of it. Not that this is stopping me from sharing it with you:











BUT THERE'S MORE:

@PBABnet: Pride and Prejudice: Custom Edition - http://www.bookbyyou.com/classic/pride/demo.asp  Somebody finally monetized the Mary Sue concept.

@redcoast: "You are dancing with the only handsome girl in the room," said Mr. Butts, looking at Miss Boobs McChesty Babooncage.

@scbecker: Wow. The same company has a time-traveling librarian werewolf Sherlock Holmes Jack the Ripper mystery. I'm speechless.


I fully encourage you to mess around with the other book generators, which include but are not limited to Fierce Moon, Pirates of Desire, and Click for Love. Obviously, you have to report back afterwards.



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SMASH talks like he's Darkwing Duck.

Edited at 2011-02-19 04:27 am (UTC)

He is the beefcake that smoulders in the night!

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Just be glad you didn't end up with Crud Bonemeal.

This... is where Mary Sues go to die.

oh my god I must thank you intensely, I have had the worst week in the history of weeks and this made me laugh like a maniac <3

Now that I have more than 140 characters:

...Salome pressed a single finger against his mouth and kept her blue gaze steady on him. "Be quiet and listen to me, Flint Ironstag. Whatever you’ve been up to, I can handle it. I’m a lot stronger than you think."

You damn right.

UNF

Is that Fierce Moon? Damn, I gotta go look at that.

I held it together until "Miss Boobs McChesty Babooncage." And now I'm waiting for someone to see if I'm all right since I've been laughing so loudly for a few minutes here... Also, I am obviously a six-year-old masquerading as someone thirteen years older, okay.

Boobs McChesty's sister is Jellohead.

In the 1800s, Flamingo Bandit is the savvy, stunning saloon owner who, on the advice of her best friend Becky, dares to give love one more chance. When Hottie McHott rides into town on the rails of the new railroad, his smile steals our heroine's heart - but his holster is loaded with a secret that could blast away her livelihood!
Can Flamingo trust a man who may ultimately destroy her? Will Hottie choose business or pleasure before his secret is revealed? Saddle up for love, passion and humor!

lulz forever. HIS HOLSTER IS LOADED. WITH A SECRET.

I had to do Pirates of Desire. I just had to.

In Pirates of Desire, the promise of pirate lore kindles the dreams of our strong-willed heroine, Lady Chesty Chesterton, as she and her best friend Trixy scheme for high seas adventure.

But being captured by the notorious pirate captain, Buckle McSwashypants, is as fiery and unforgiving as the seas themselves. McSwashypants, also known as 'Sea Wolf', is a handsome rogue and Lady Chesty ultimately loses her heart to this rugged pirate.


I wasn't aware that oceans were fiery. Silly me.


Chapter Five ... Chesty & Buckle - a heated encounter

. . . Chesty slapped the coin from his outstretched hand, sending it flying into the shrubbery. “We don’t want your blood money!”
Buckle sighed, his eyes narrowing, then he suddenly reached out and grabbed Chesty by her bodice string that, unbeknownst to her, had become untied and hung loosely from her dress. The lace tightened immediately as he pulled her towards him like a dog on a tether. Chesty winced with surprise and embarrassment, her blue eyes ablaze.
He leaned close to her, breathing softly in her ear, making Chesty almost lose her balance and certainly some sense. He paused just long enough to catch her off guard in anticipation, when he said, “You might want to keep the girls tied up,” and he tightened the lace and tied a knot.
Her face flushed and she slapped him hard on the cheek. Buckle grabbed her by her auburn hair and planted a kiss on her lips, long and sensual. When he released his grip, she was reeling, wild eyed as a scurvy dog.
“Take them away!” he ordered with a wave of his hand.
The buccaneer escorts grabbed the women’s wrists and roughly pulled them towards the path. Chesty turned her head and caught the captain’s eye.
“Now I know why they call you Sea Wolf. I think you are despicable!” she yelled at the top of her lungs. She quickly looked to Trixy, a look of terror in her eyes as they were dragged down the pathway.
Buckle smiled, as he heard his crew laughing from afar; this was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. If circumstances were different, he would have asked her to join him. But he hadn’t even found out her name…


Like a dog on a tether. Sexy.



Chapter One ... the beginning for Chesty and Trixy
(Don't forget Spot !)

. . . Chesty walked to the castle window and looked off in the distance to the harbor, her blue eyes bright with anticipation. Spot rose from in front of the fireplace, and giving a big stretch, wandered over to Chesty, eager for an affectionate back-rub.
“Come on, tell me every detail,” Trixy begged. “And I’ll comb out the tag-alongs and shrubbery from your hair! How on earth did you end up with pieces of bramble bush stuck in that auburn mop of yours and what’s that got to do with pirates?”
Spot turned in circles, giving Chesty a better opportunity to find that special spot to rub, just between the shoulder blades.
Chuckling, Chesty turned and pointed to the harbor in the distance. “See that ship at the very end of the docks – the one with no sails; listing badly to one side? Well, that’s it.”
“A real pirate ship,” Trixy sighed romantically.
Chesty glanced toward her bedside table where she kept a folded piece of parchment containing an etching of Buckle McSwashypants, the famous pirate Sea Wolf, wanted by authorities on two continents.
“Yes, a real pirate ship, but not the pirate ship. It’s not the Corazon de Oro,” said Chesty, excitement evident in her voice...


Real pirates don't NEED no steenkin' sails!

I wasn't aware that oceans were fiery. Silly me.

Didn't some river catch on fire once? I guess the same thing could happen to the ocean...maybe there was a chemical spill or something.

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oh Gd, why don't I have a "laughing till you stop breathing" icon or something? BHAHAHAHHAHAHA

oh God, I think I broke several internal organs, including my diaphram, by laughing for 5 minutes straight reading this whole thing...
Oh God the second hand embarrassment and THE NAMES! good God who came up with those name?
(if it was you just for the major LULZ, i retract my statement)

i mean... I remember having these kind of books the "put yourself in the story by filling the blanks here and here and here"

but they were disney or being part of a circus or parade. and they didn't sounded so cheesy and second hand embarrasy.

i feel the laugh comming back

also kind of eww at suggesting actual names, as in the names of actual people. wouldn't that make it RPF, which correct me if i'm wrong... is kind of... illegal/not allowed?

A few months ago my roommate thought it would be hilarious to put my info into the "preview" and have the results sent to me (They have my email now. THOSE PEOPLE HAVE MY EMAIL OH GOD). I was somewhat bemused.

Then she filled out the "female" section with Jacob's info, because God knows there isn't enough slashfic going on in our apartment.

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"Who knows what position you might have found yourself in?"

I SEE WHAT U DID THAR.

(But would Edward really end a sentence in a preposition?)

Some of the text from the Vampire Kisses one is also in First Bite. They're ripping their own books off!

Oh God, it's a recursive ripoff!

Is it bad that I'm thinking about doing one of the vampire ones for my best friend as a gag gift? She would laugh her ass off over it.

The only reason I didn't send one to my cousin is hte price tag. The teen ones are like $25 and the adult in paperback is like $40.

?

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