You know... I'm starting to wonder if anything will ever be as funny as Van Helsing. (More Movies in Fifteen Minutes.)


Hidalgo in Fifteen Minutes

Disclaimer: In retrospect, this may be a bad time to parody a movie with somewhat stereotypical portrayals of Arabic people. Keep in mind that my intention was to parody the characters and the movie's portrayal thereof, not the real-life people themselves. Also, I really liked the movie. Trying to put the “fun” back in “making fun” here, all right?


Three Feet from the Finish Line of Some Long-Distance Race

UPPITY GUY: So, I'm so far in the lead of this long-distance race that I'm going to stop three feet from the finish line and shave. How's that sound, horse?

UPPITY HORSE: I think it sounds like you're a moron.

FRANK AND HIDALGO: *go zooming past*

UPPITY GUY: OMGWTF!

UPPITY HORSE: *eyeroll*



Some Bar at the Finish Line

Fresh off winning the race, Frank is spreading the love around at the bar. Uppity Guy insults Hidalgo and Frank punches him out, thereby showing the audience that Frank + Hidalgo = 4Evah.

LADIES: Is it true that you're a king of men?

FRANK: Only one way to find out, baby.

LADIES: *giggle*

YOUNG ARMY GUY: Hey, Frank, we need some orders run out.

FRANK: Thanks a lot, man, you wrecked my game.

YOUNG ARMY GUY: What game? You're, like, married to that horse, man.

FRANK: . . .



Wounded Knee

FRANK: Here's your orders.

ARMY OFFICER: Thanks, man. *reads*

NATIVE AMERICAN WOMAN [in Sioux]: Yo, what up, Blue Child?

FRANK [in Sioux]: Nothin' much. Peace out.

ARMY OFFICER: Okay, take away the Indians' rifles.

ARMY GUY: What if they resist?

ARMY OFFICER: Shoot 'em.

ARMY GUY: What if they sort of look at us cross-eyed?

ARMY OFFICER: Shoot 'em.

ARMY GUY: What if they breathe kinda loud?

ARMY OFFICER: Shoot 'em.

NATIVE AMERICAN GUY: *cough*

ARMY: *shoots everyone*

FRANK: NOOOOOOOOOO! THEY WERE SORT OF MY PEOPLE EVEN THOUGH I NEVER ACKNOWLEDGED THEM!

HIDALGO: *tear*



Buffalo Bill's Wild West Show

ANNIE OAKLEY: Goddammit, Frank, get off your drunk rodeo-clown ass and get out there!

[We interrupt this recap to report that the woman playing Annie Oakley also played Mozart's wife in Amadeus. Holy crap, Stanzi, what happened to you?]

FRANK: *is sloppy drunk*

BUFFALO BILL: Ladies and gentlemen, the [*finger quotes*] Hero of Wounded Knee!

FRANK: *falls over*

HIDALGO: *drags Frank's alcoholic ass back to the tent*

BUFFALO BILL: Uh... yes! Ladies and gentlemen! Look at the brave Hidalgo drag the wounded hero back to safety! Which is totally part of the script! Yes!



Buffalo Bill's Wild West Office

BUFFALO BILL: Dude, you gotta check yourself. This is the second movie in a row that some horse has had to go out and drag your ass to safety. I'll dock your pay if you go for three, man. Oh, and there are some furriners here to see you.

ARABIC GUYS: So you say that this mongrel nag is the greatest living horse, Frank T. Hopkins?

FRANK: Whatever.

ARABIC GUYS: YOU OFFEND US WITH YOUR HUBRIS, INFIDEL!

FRANK: Dude, I don't even know what that word means.

ARABIC GUYS: Sheikh Riyadh offers to pay your entry in a death-defying race to prove that you and your painted mongrel are completely inferior to our Arabian purebloods, thereby supplying the theme and extended metaphor of the entire movie! Do you accept?

FRANK: Whatever. If you'll excuse me, I'm behind on my moping-and-whiskey quota for the day. *leaves*

BUFFALO BILL: And don’t come back without pictures of Spider-Man!



Chief Whatever's Car on the Wild West Show Train

CHIEF WHATEVER: You must learn to accept your Indian heritage, Blue Child.

FRANK: Considering I'm actually Danish that's... going to be hard.

CHIEF WHATEVER: . . .

FRANK: . . .

CHIEF WHATEVER: Oh, and if you win, there's about a frillion wild horses the Army's going to shoot up for dog food, if you wouldn't mind saving them.

FRANK: Whatever.

CHIEF WHATEVER: That's my boy.




Some Ship Going to the Middle East

FRANK [waking up]: What the... hell... ? Where... what... We're entered in a desert race?

HIDALGO: Oh, Jesus, Frank, did you black out and enter us in a race again?

FRANK: *hangs head*



Later on Some Ship Going to the Middle East

HIDALGO: Frank! Help! They're poking me!

BAD GUYS: *poke poke poke*

HIDALGO: *cries*

BAD GUYS: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

FRANK: NOBODY HURTS MY HORSE!

HIDALGO: Oh, Frank! I knew you'd come save me!

FRANK: *gets his ass kicked*

LADY DAVENPORT: Back off, boys, this one's mine. I mean, uh, how very appalling of these ruffians to do such a frightful thing!



Ritzy Salon on Some Ship Going to the Middle East

LADY DAVENPORT: ...and so if my pureblood mare wins the race, I get breeding rights to Sheikh Riyadh's stallion, and I WILL CREATE A RACE OF SUPERHORSES TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!

FRANK: ...And, uh, what do you do, sir?

LORD DAVENPORT: Oh, I booze. Quite enjoyable, really.

FRANK: Tell me about it.



Sheikh Riyadh's Tent Somewhere in the Middle East

JAZIRA: Daddy, so help me, if you don't let me live life as a free and independent woman, I will disguise myself as a peasant and run off with my tiger!

SHEIKH: But I have promised you to Prince Abubu!

JAZIRA: Which one is he, again?

SHEIKH: He's either the guy who rides my horse, or the guy who wants to ride my horse. He wants to ride something, that's all I know.

JAZIRA: Daddy, ew.



Campsite at the Starting Line of the Race

ARABIC GUY: To punish this kid, we do the worst thing possible: we give him to you.

FRANK: So, why's the kid a slave, again?

ARABIC GUY: He stole some milk.

FRANK: WTF? Where do you people get milk from out here, llamas?

ARABIC GUY: . . .

The race begins. Everyone sprints off hell for leather. Five miles out of town, everyone stops, slows down, and starts trudging at the approximate speed of molasses oozing up a sand dune.

FRANK: So… basically… we’re all going to the same place… at the same speed. How is this a race, again?

SOME OTHER ARABIC GUY: Well, there’s the part where most of us will die before we get there.

FRANK: Oh… good.



Some Desert Oasis

FRANK: *plays harmonica loudly*

NOT ABUBU: CEASE YOUR HONKY RACKET, INFIDEL!

FRANK: *keeps playing*



Some Other Desert Oasis

PRINCE ABUBU: Here’s a quarter, don’t give the infidel any water.

ARMY ASSHOLES: Sure thing.

[A few hours later.]

FRANK: Gimme water.

ARMY ASSHOLES: No.

FRANK: Gimme water.

ARMY ASSHOLES: No.

FRANK: Gimme water.

ARMY ASSHOLES: No.

FRANK: Gimme water please.

ARMY ASSHOLES: No.

FRANK: All right, now it's on.

HIDALGO: *knocks down army tent on assholes*

FRANK: *steals their water* Run like hell!



Somewhere After a Sandstorm

FRANK: Dammit, now our stolen water's all full of sand!

ARMY ASSHOLES: HA HA!



Somewhere in the Desert

Some guy falls in quicksand, and they help him.

SOME GUY: You're not supposed to help other racers!

FRANK: Look, I can put you back in the quicksand, if it means that much to you.

SOME GUY: ...No, I think I'm good. Thanks.

Frank and Hidalgo witness many of the other racers fall in various tragic ways, such as getting eaten by giant dust storms, falling down dunes, dying of thirst, and killing each other.

HIDALGO: Did you SEE the horse that fell over back there? His human just got off and STABBED HIM!

FRANK: Yeah, Hidalgo, it was terrible—

HIDALGO: And they SHOWED IT! I mean, the guy just STABBED HIM! Is the ASPCA not even monitoring this movie?!

FRANK: Don’t cry, Hidalgo, you’re gonna waste water.

HIDALGO: *cries*

FRANK: You know, the trailers make it look like all this was your idea, because you’re my stalwart wild horse who believes in me and never gives up.

HIDALGO: Man, fuck all y’all! I have sand up my hooves and I haven’t seen a decent oat in two weeks and I’m SCARED, MAN! I WANNA GO HOME!

FRANK: . . .



The Halfway Point of the Race

Everyone has ONE DAY to sit around and chill before the race starts up again.

LADY DAVENPORT: Oh, Fra-ank, I have tea...!

HIDALGO: Step off my human, hor.

LADY DAVENPORT: You know, he likes Brego more than you.

HIDALGO: I KEEL YOU, BIATCH!



That Night, Inside Lady Davenport's Tent

FRANK: Man, somebody just art-directed the livin' hell out of this tent.

LADY DAVENPORT: Nice, isn't it? Air-conditioning and everything. Also, the BED is HUGE and SOFT and SLUTTY.

FRANK: What?

LADY DAVENPORT: Look, Frank, you and that nag are gonna die in the desert if you keep going. Tell you what. You call it quits now--hey, you made it halfway through! That's cool, right?--and I give you a shitload of money and a little somethin'-somethin' for your trouble.

FRANK: Uh... thanks, I'm good.

LADY DAVENPORT: What? I just offered you sex and cold drinks in the middle of the desert! What is your defect, man?

FRANK: Ma'am... there's something you ought to know. I'm a horsemasexual.*

LADY DAVENPORT: . . .

HIDALGO: *whickers smugly*



That Night, Inside Frank's Tent

JAZIRA: Hidalgo won't drink the butter I put in his water!

FRANK: Ma'am... I suspect that's because it came from a camel's ass.

JAZIRA: Hidalgo! Please drink the butter!

HIDALGO: Look, Scheherazade, you got such a hard-on for llama cheese, you drink it.

JAZIRA: . . .

FRANK: Hey, you heard the horse.

JAZIRA: Whatever. I must go. If they catch you sexing me up, they will kill us both!

FRANK: Who said anything about sexing you up?

JAZIRA: *bats lashes*

FRANK: Oh no! Someone is coming! I fall on you in the defensive missionary position!

BODYGUARD: OMG WTF THE GRINGO IS SEXING UP OUR WOMEN!

AZIZ: INFIDEL!!!



Sheikh's Tent

SHEIKH: You have crossed the line, sexy infidel. Aziz? Geld him.

GELDING SHEARS: *click click*

FRANK: AHHHHHH!

FRANK'S CROTCH: AHHHHHH!

FRANK: I didn't sex Jasmine up, I swear to God! You can't do this! How am I going to ride drunk in Buffalo Bill's Wild West Show if you snip the giblets?

SHEIKH: You... you know Buffalo Bill? The Buffalo Bill?

FRANK: No, man, a Buffalo Bill--OF COURSE *THE* BUFFALO BILL!

SHEIKH: Ooooo. I *heart* Buffalo Bill and his Show of the West that is Wild.

FRANK: Whew.

SHEIKH: For that, we shall only--how do you say--snip one giblet.

FRANK: AHHHHHH!

FRANK'S CROTCH: AHHHHHH!

(Un)fortunately, right at that moment, Prince Abubu’s men raid the camp and steal the Sheikh’s Priceless Book of Horsy Secrets and the black stallion the Sheikh entered in the race.

JAZIRA [untying Frank]: I save the giblets, you save the horse!

FRANK: Thank GOD.

EVIL GUY: *grabs Jazira and runs off*

FRANK: HEY! The deal for the giblets is STILL ON!



The Next Day at the Campsite

SHEIKH: I do not know what we will do if Aziz does not tell us where they took my daughter. Aziz, where did they take my daughter?

AZIZ: I know nothing.

FRANK: Huh. Looks like I'm gonna have to take you out to a little picture-show I like to call Attack of My Foot Up Your Ass.

AZIZ: AHHHHHHHH! I KNOW EVERYTHING! I KNOW EVERYTHING! HAVE MERCY UPON ME!

SHEIKH [jotting in tiny notebook]: ... I will have to... take you to a little... picture-show...



A Number of Days Later

Frank and Aziz and the Sheikh’s people take the black stallion to Prince Abubu’s Desert Sand Castle Fortress to make a trade for Jazira. Abubu is satisfied and hands over Jazira. Then he pets the stallion. Black shoe polish comes off on his hand.

PRINCE ABUBU: Hey! THIS HORSE'S BLACK IS PASTEDE ON!

FRANK: Run!

EVERYBODY: *runs*

There is much running and shooting and death-defying Indiana Jones-style stuntage. Jazira runs back to get the Priceless Book of Horsy Secrets.

FRANK'S GUN: *runs out of bullets*

FRANK: What, I'm in the one movie that actually has the hero run out of bullets? Fuck all y'all, man.

EVERYONE GOOD EXCEPT FRANK AND JAZIRA: *dies*

FRANK AND JAZIRA: *gallop away*



Somewhere Out in the Desert, Several Days Later

FRANK: You ride, I’ll walk.

HIDALGO: Yeah, that’s right. Up there where I can keep an eye on you, huss.

JAZIRA: So, what do they call the horse in your language?

FRANK: Uh.... "horse"?

JAZIRA: No, I mean in your other language, for you are clearly a noble half-breed tormented by his dual heritage.

FRANK: Oh... "big dog."

JAZIRA: "Big dog"?

HIDALGO: Rrrrrrufff!

FRANK: You should see him fetch.

JAZIRA: . . .



Back at the Campsite

SHEIKH: Sexy infidel, you bring back my daughter and my horse and my Priceless Book of Horsy Secrets! And all in 24 hours, before the race could start again!

NOT ABUBU: Uh, it took them, like, three months to get back.

SHEIKH: I SAID, BEFORE THE RACE COULD START AGAIN.

NOT ABUBU: Whatever.



Somewhere in the Desert

LADY DAVENPORT: Abubu, kill the infidel. And his horse.

PRINCE ABUBU: Look, I've got my own grudge to pay off. What'd he do to you?

LADY DAVENPORT: I offered him sex and cold drinks, and he turned me down.

PRINCE ABUBU: Oh, snap.



Somewhere Else in the Desert

Prince Abubu catches up with Frank and Hidalgo.

PRINCE ABUBU: I KEEL YOU WITH CHEETAHS OF DEATH!

QUICKSAND GUY: Infidel! I owe you one!

CHEETAHS: *eat Quicksand Guy*

FRANK: Uh... thanks?

PRINCE ABUBU'S HORSE: My human can kick your human's ass!

HIDALGO: Clearly, you have never seen my human use a sword before. *whispers in other horse's ear* mmfmfgh50000orcsmmfhfhfhkingofmenmfmfmghgghallhisownstuntsmmghgh

PRINCE ABUBU'S HORSE: Human! I think we ought to call this off! Go home, get a nice tall glass of camel butter or something...!

Frank and Abubu fight. Hidalgo falls in a trap and gets speared.

FRANK: NOOOOOOOO! NOBODY HURTS MY HORSE! I KEEL YOU DEAD!

Frank kicks ass. Prince Abubu ends up standing on one of his own traps, and Frank lassos one of the spears sticking up, and pulls. Prince Abubu dies in a jumble of sharp pointiness.

HIDALGO: I would be smug, but... ow.



Somewhere Else in the Desert

Hidalgo collapses. Frank starts taking off his saddle and making him comfortable and OMG LOADING A GUN.

FRANK: Remember that nice meadow back at that nice ranch somewhere we once visited?

HIDALGO [weak]: Uh-huh. Had… real nice… grass…

FRANK: Yeah, well… I reckon that was prolly heaven on earth.

HIDALGO: So… you mean… that’s where… we’ll both go if we die…?

FRANK: *points gun at Hidalgo’s head, cocks* Nah, I just figure that means this is hell, right here.

AUDIENCE: OMGWTF!

A ghostly Native American appears to Frank as if in a mirage or holy vision to tell him...

GHOSTLY NATIVE AMERICAN: You came all this way just to fall down and die? You! Out of my bloodline!

FRANK: That's inspiring, thanks.

NOT ABUBU: *rides up* HA HA! You die six feet from the finish line! Look! There is the sea!

FRANK: Hidalgo? Did you know about this?

HIDALGO: *looks the other way, whistling*

FRANK: AHHH! AHHH! I didn't bring you five million miles just so we could get sunstroke and eat llama cheese! GET OFF YOUR BONY ASS AND LET'S GO!



Six Feet from the Finish Line

MUSIC: *plagiarizes Chariots of Fire*

HIDALGO: *is half the size of the other horses*

FRANK: *is twice the sexy of the other racers*

THE OTHER RACERS: *cough in a big cloud of Hidalgo dust*

THE CROWD: Sexy infidel! A winnar is you!

HIDALGO: *keeps going*

Frank and Hidalgo end up galloping into the sea.

HIDALGO: WOOT! Bring me fillies and tequila!



Back on the Beach

NOT ABUBU: Reluctantly I praise your mongrel nag with great praise, sexy infidel.

SHEIKH RIYADH: For you, sexy infidel, I make an exception and deign to shake your hand.

FRANK: Well, ain't that big of you. Here--I'll give you my Colt. Thanks for sparing the giblets and all.

SHEIKH RIYADH [eyes widening]: A Colt pistol? A real Colt? Is this not the finest and rarest of American firearms?

FRANK: ... Yes. Yes, it is. I am totally not going straight home and buying another one. Enjoy.



Some Sand Dune by the Sea

JAZIRA: So, I love you, and stuff.

FRANK: Yeah. Hidalgo and I will never forget you, Jasmine.

JAZIRA: Could you never forget me in bed first, or something?

GELDING SHEARS: *click click*

FRANK: So! It’s been nice knowing you!



Back in America, Where the Wild Horses Run Free

ARMY GUY: Aight, load up. We got some wild horses to kill.

FRANK: *brings over receipt for $10,000, paid in full*

HIDALGO: PWNED!

ARMY: grumble grumble wanted to shoot things grumble

FRANK: *lets Hidalgo go* Go, be free!

HIDALGO: Uh, Frank... really... I don't really want to be free that bad...

FRANK: Free as the wind!

HIDALGO: ...really, man, I...

FRANK: In a cloudless sky!

HIDALGO: You've got another horse on the side, don't you! FINE! *gallops off in tears*

THE AUDIENCE: *blowing noses*

CLEO: INFIDEL! FRANK + HIDALGO 4EVAR!



*"Horsemasexual" totally belongs to someone on LJ who used it in a review sometime in March, but I can't find who it was. If it was you, step up and take a bow in the comments.


FIN.


All right, I'm out to see Troy.