Occupation: Girl

So I saw Avatar

Sun, 20 Dec 2009 23:25:29 GMT

So I just saw Planet of the Cat People (P.S. They're Blue) in 3-D, and then Brett the Vet and I went out for Moe's. (They have a whole salsa bar!) Short version: A large portion of my readership is going to kick my ass.

Long version:

It was... okay? I was actually really, really bored through the first hour or so, and then intermittently throughout after that. The jellyfish-glowstick jungles of Pandora were gorgeous, and while they looked about as real-to-the-touch as you could ask for... I never entirely bought into the reality of them. (I saw the movie in 3-D, but not IMAX, if that makes a difference.) The Na'vi characters, on the other hand, did pass that barrier at times; sometimes I felt like I was watching animated characters, but other times, particularly in closeup, the hair and skin actually looked photorealistic. And all of them looked startlingly like the actors, to the point where I could actually see Zoe Saldana and imagine what she looked like on an empty set doing a particular scene. In fact, the Sigourney Weaver Na'vi looked disturbingly like the actress.

That said... the acting was bad. Really, really bad--and I can't blame the actors, because I know Sigourney Weaver can act better than that, particularly in her first few scenes. I have to believe that James Cameron, much as George Lucas did with his actors for the Star Wars prequels, encouraged them to play their characters really broadly. But... for real. Billy Zane in Titanic was more subtle than either of our two villains here. Yeah. That bad.

And you know, I don't even mind that the story was clichéd and overly familiar, because there is a fine line between stereotype and archetype, and I'll give Avatar this round. I mean, I understand that this is the kind of movie where the chief's daughter saves Whitebread from the angry natives, and then there is That One Scene Where the Hero Rides Something, and then a giant battle that they lose before an even gianter battle that they win after That One Speech the Hero Always Gives, and that specific major characters will die (and I was able to predict three out of four the moment they came on screen. There was a fifth character who I thought would die, but didn't) while Our Lady of Soundtrack Sorrow keens in the background. Look: I understand this. I'm okay with this. The Hero with a Thousand Faces, so on and so forth. What I'm not okay with is that story being populated with paper-thin characters spouting dumbass dialogue. Oddly? The CGI characters were more interesting than the ones played by physically present actors; generally I got bored whenever we had to go back to the humans' base. In fact, Sam Worthington was more interesting and a better actor when he was blue. Zoe Saldana was great; she was also the only actor who I felt put in a fully realized performance. This might have been, in part, because most of everyone else were relegated to cardboard cutouts: The Indian Chief, the Shaman Lady, the Rival Warrior, the Jealous Coworker, the Heartless Industrialist (Who Is Brought Briefly to Tears Once He Sees What He Has Wrought). And then you had your Big Bad, the smug Marine bastard who said smug Marine bastard things, and for all his screentime was one of the flattest characters of all. Although, it was totally awesome when he strode out in the giant Transformer suit and the ship blew up behind him, I will give you that. I don't know--people told me that they cried not once but at several different points, and... the only time I got the least bit teary was when Neytiri was wailing over her father, because Zoe Saldana brought it in that scene. I mean, throughout the movie, she was not afraid to shriek and howl and make unpretty noises; this is how Neytiri would sound, so those were the sounds she made. But the supporting characters... I don't know how you can have a movie nearly three hours long and yet feel like everyone else had so little to do.

And... I honestly don't know how to feel about the racial elements of the essential premise (When Will White People Stop Making Movies Like "Avatar"?). The movie hits you over the head so hard with the ecological sermon that it's hard to focus on anything else. That said... I mean, again, I understand that this is the kind of story where the hero enters a society with very different values, thereby discovering himself and what's really important. It's essentially the same story as Did You Hear About the Morgans? and fish-out-of-water comedies of that ilk, not to put too fine a point on it--slowing down and learning What Really Matters in Life. Except when it's an adventure story, shit also blows up. However... some people will say that the Na'vi, with their beads and feathers and warpaint and battle cries, embody some really, really unpleasant ~~Native American~~ indigenous/Aboriginal stereotypes; others will say that other characteristics (the cat hissing and teeth-baring, for example) are there to show that the Na'vi aren't human and therefore aren't embodying any kind of human stereotype at all. It's also possible that it's a little bit of both. If it makes you feel better, the whole point of the story is that (SPOILER FOR THE ENDING) Jake turns his back on the entire human race, gets his spirit transferred to his Na'vi avatar, and makes sure that 99.99% of his fellow humans get kicked off Pandora and sent home. There's none of this "We are different but we are really the same even though we came to your planet and took all your shit but we can totally live together in peace" stuff; everyone but Jake and his two surviving Earth friends are kicked the fuck out when the Na'vi take back Pandora. (YOU CAN TAKE OUR TREES! BUT YOU CAN NEVER! TAKE! OUR FREEDOMMMM!) So the message here is very anti-colonial, except for the fact that it was still only a colonist who was able to tame the giant pterodragon, bring all the Na'vi together, and lead them into battle. I don't know what to tell you. It's a legitimate outsider-as-savior archetype; it's the insistence that only a white man can truly rule the savages. You make the call.

(Honestly, I feel like the No One Disabled Can Ever Be Happy angle that's more offensive. Like, I understand where they were going with that, but... the LOOK, IT'S A CRIP! HEY CRIP! stuff from the other soldiers at the beginning, the constant "Meals on Wheels" type jokes, and then the idea that Jake could not be happy unless he abandoned his "useless" human body--just--wow. On one hand, it's actually kind of foreshadowed that he's truly meant to be a Na'vi; the first time we see him, his face is bathed in blue light. So I understand that the movie was trying to give us a "reason" for him to abandon Earth and humanity and his body, but... so much of that made me really uncomfortable. It wasn't enough for the movie to insist that he was Na'vi at heart; it had to actively devalue him as a disabled human. Even though those comments were intended to be cruel or "tough," Jake's actions and choices seem to back them up in spirit. I just... I don't know.)

Anyway. There are some thematic problems here, is what I'm saying. And I have to think that if Avatar really were The Greatest Movie Ever Made, I wouldn't have had brain cells free to ponder any of this. I don't know--I had so many people tell me to just enjoy the beauty of the movie, that the beauty of the effects and the filmmaking is more important than the story or the dialogue or the acting, that it's so incredibly amazing that you either won't or shouldn't notice anything else. Maybe there was no movie in the world that could have lived up to that. The very first people to see Avatar were probably the most fortunate, because they had no idea what they were in for. As for me--Pandora was gorgeous, and I really did get interested once (MASSIVE SPOILER) the Hometree was destroyed and we saw more of the Na'vi culture and rituals as they tried to deal with that. I really felt like the movie only scratched the surface of the world-building that Cameron had put into the whole thing (which is probably why he's threatening to make sequels). Basically, I feel like the Na'vi and the imagery of Pandora deserved a better movie. I think the reason we're seeing so many filmmakers wetting themselves is because they're seeing the possibilities for their own movies, what they can now do with this technology, that their horizons have been broadened. I sat there for three hours and I felt every single minute of it--I was assured that once it got going, it was a rollercoaster that just didn't stop; I ended up checking my watch an hour and a half in wondering if we'd gotten started yet.

So... I guess the ass-kicking starts... now. I'm sure a lot of people will accuse me of having decided to dislike the movie before I even sat down. I'd like to think that pointing out the things I did like would disprove that, but maybe not. I don't want to be a hater, you know? I was a Titanic hater back in the day, and let me tell you, it is really, really not fun to be in the minority when everyone else loves something. I don't want to rain on your parade. But I've heard a lot of people say, "I didn't think it looked good, but I came out a believer." So that says to me that some people did find the movie amazing enough to change their minds. I wasn't one of them. Just... be civil in the comments, to me and each other, that's all I'm asking.

ETA: What the HELL? Hospital: Actress Brittany Murphy dies at age 32.

In which bitches nearly are cut

Sat, 19 Dec 2009 23:46:24 GMT

Oh my sweet God have mercy. I only just now got my first solid food of the day, as a late lunch/early dinner. I spent the entire day running around various malls and shopping centers desperately trying to fulfill five different Christmas Gift Objectives, and only solved two. If you were at my favorite bookstore--the two-story Books-a-Million at Brookwood Mall--and you saw a girl with a black sweater hoodie and a profound expression of D:< the entire time she was there, that was me. I just shambled around in shopper haplessness for forty-five minutes. Finally, I ended up back at the same store late this afternoon--I decided to go back and get two books I'd put back. I knew exactly where they were: a table about fifteen feet from the register. I came in through the ground-floor entrance, walked straight to the table, picked up the books, and walked straight back over to the register to get in line behind one woman, who was already mid-transaction. I was going to meet my mother, who was searching for a parking space, upstairs as soon as I was done. Given that it was the simplest errand ever, I expected to be done before she finished scouring the parking deck.

Twenty minutes later, she texts to ask where I am.

Twenty actual, literal minutes later, I am still standing behind that one woman. I AM STILL STANDING BEHIND THAT ONE WOMAN. All I know is that it involves $200 worth of gift cards and the inability to buy them or pay with them or FUCK, I DON'T EVEN KNOW with them in a single transaction and my blood sugar bottoming out. Everyone else was smart enough to get in line at the other two registers (and people behind me are moving to those lines as the years and years of waiting drag on), so there was no point in me moving--like a gambler on his last five bucks, I had already invested too much to walk away from the table now. Surely, SURELY TO GOD, this woman's transaction would be completed soon. SURELY.

After every single other customer had been rung up, the guy at the middle register waved me over. I had spent twenty minutes staring at Twilight bookmarks on the counter because it was either them or a letter opener with an enameled butterfly on the table to my left, and I went with the Twilight bookmarks because every time I imagined shanking the woman in front of me with the letter opener, this delicious itch would start to overtake my palms and I decided that I would rather not go to prison. Chagrined Bookmark Edward understood my pain, y'all. So did the Tonner Edward in the plastic box ~~for his protection~~ on the Customer Service desk fifteen feet away; I flashed back to my sister's (now ex) boyfriend the BAM buyer ordering 500 of them for the chain at NYCC on my recommendation. And that was one of them. And it, too, had shellacked Corythosaurus hair. I felt very sorry for all of us. I was also starting to hallucinate a little bit, because I was thinking that it was a bit strange that the floor was turning into fluffy clouds, but they would probably feel very nice if I lay down and curled up in them. Fortunately, I was able to pull my shit together long enough to successfully operate the credit card machine. I even had a very pleasant conversation about [movie that will be made of certain book I was buying]. Then I restrained myself from throwing elbows into the small crowd of girls surrounding the two Twilight merchandise tables upstairs--I am not exaggerating any of that. It was an actual logjam. I was entering the Berserker Rage phase of all-day food deprivation and was prepared to pick up an Edward-faced backpack and start bushwhacking, except that a twelve-year-old saw my face and pushed her mother out of the way--and stormed off to the food court.

As far as I know, the woman in front of me is still at that register with her $200 worth of gift cards.

I will say that I checked my box on the way home, and there was a package full of Green and Black's chocolate but I have no idea who it was from. All I know is that emergency application became necessary. So thank you, from the bottom of the hearts of the people I did not kill because chocolate intervened.

By the way, remember this story?

Meanwhile, on the way home from our last excursion of the day, we dropped by my grandmother's to bring her some more ornaments. On the way out, I stopped to play with a--I don't know, I guess you'd call it a banner? It kind of looks like a long flat bell pull? I don't know. She has it hanging on her front door, and it's this tan-colored strip of fabric with little decorated felt Christmas trees, edged with shiny gold rickrack. "I loved this when I was a kid," I told her, shaking it a little so the bells would jingle. "Ruth made that," my grandmother said warmly. "She really liked arts and crafts. She made all of this herself, every bit of it. Even the tassels. She sewed everything on it there--the sequins, the little ornaments, she even put the pearls on the trees. She's dead now."

I managed not to crack up until I got to the car. My mother couldn't understand why I was doubled up in the passenger seat crying with laughter. I'm not sure I understand it myself.

This year, I got pictures of it:

And now, I flop.

P.S. I still want a foot massage really, really badly.

(Zomg e-book! The Annotated Movies in Fifteen Minutes: Wizards!)

I'm banning the word "Avatards" pre-emptively

Sat, 19 Dec 2009 00:11:57 GMT

So. Tired in a very lazy, self-indulgent way. I don't know if it's the holidays or the birthdays or what, but I've got to get over this dragginess--however pleasant it might be at the moment--at some point. I am, however, going to see Avatar on Sunday, and am working on some kind of zen meditation to rope off my EXTREME WEARINESS of the hype I've been hearing for an actual, literal year about how this will CHANGE THE WAY MOVIES ARE MADE. I don't know which way they mean, but if involves 3-D becoming the standard movie format I'm going to be pissed off, because it gives me headaches like whoa, and keep in mind that I have to balance those damn glasses on top of my real ones. I'm afraid to ask what other ways they might mean, because so far, "Huge effects spectacle with an overly familiar story and clichéd dialogue," "The nation divided into warring tribes of Fanboys and Haters," and "Would you like fries with your topless Neytiri figure?" kind of seem like business as usual.

@cleolinda: RT @flickchart: Director Michael Mann said of AVATAR: "There's before this movie, and after this movie."

@cleolinda: RT @flickchart: Spielberg quoted on AVATAR: "The last time I came out of a movie feeling that way was the first time I saw Star Wars."

@cleolinda: People, you realize now that I'm not going to be impressed unless Avatar delivers orgasms AND hot fudge sundaes. Knock it off.

@cleolinda: @jamevph The only thing more obnoxious than the hype would be if the movie actually turned out to be that good.

@cleolinda: @gorgeousnerd Oh, I mean, I'm going on Sunday, and I'm going to try to be zen about it and set all of that aside.

@cleolinda: Although I do wonder--"Doomed romance on the Titanic" is an easy sell. "Giant blue cat people do... something," I don't know.

@cleolinda: It could be the Second Coming, but I don't know how well it might actually do. Interesting to see how it shakes out.

@lilithsaintcrow: @cleolinda "Giant blue cat-love on the doomed Titanic! It's a sure thing!"

@cleolinda: @lilithsaintcrow Aw, man, giant blue cat-love screeching in the back of a Model T, do not want.

Then, from gfrancie: I Hate James Cameron, but I Love His Movies. Yeah... that's probably going to be me Sunday afternoon, after I recover from my 3-D headache. I will hate myself for liking it after being battered with hype for TWELVE SOLID MONTHS, but I also feel like it's intellectually dishonest to blindly hate something just for the sake of hating it. Meanwhile, I don't even know if there will be anything Not to Be Spoken Of, but I wouldn't count on it. Also, I'm still not sure if The Lovely Emily and her husband were kidding about painting their faces blue or not.

(Zomg e-book! The Annotated Movies in Fifteen Minutes: Wizards!)

Two questions

Thu, 17 Dec 2009 01:02:23 GMT

First of all: my mother and I are trying to decide on an e-book reader to get for my stepfather. His main problem is visibility--we hit on this as an alternative to large-print books, in that any book can become "large print" if you can adjust the font size. Portability is less of a factor, therefore--if one reader is larger than the other, that might actually be a bonus for us. I hear the Nook is sold out and kind of got crappy reviews along the lines of "Wait for the 2.0 version," but Mom thinks she might be able to get one anyway (she has Ways). On the other hand, the Kindle has a lot of advantages that I am vaguely aware of, but it's also got screwy DRM issues where it won't let you do things with, you know, the files you bought and paid for. So she says it would be nice to be able to have the e-books on the reader and the computer, DRM issues would be really frustrating, etc. So 1) ease of use and visibility for someone who is not a tech-head and 2) minimal DRM foolery, those are our main criteria. I know nothing about e-readers, except that I have the Stanza app on the iBella and don't ever use it. Thoughts? Suggestions?

Second: padawansguide needs a new host for her site, the movie-focused The Costumer's Guide (where I had tons of fun a couple of years ago trying to help identify all 60+ Marie Antoinette costumes. Good times); in particular, she says, "I would like at least 5-10 GB of disk space and at least 150 or more GB of bandwidth a month. With no weird [usage] caps they don't tell you about!" We discuss a couple of options at that first link, if you have any ideas.

Third, and not a question: New trailer for Iron Man 2.

(Zomg e-book! The Annotated Movies in Fifteen Minutes: Wizards!)

My thoughts on makeup, let me show you them

Tue, 15 Dec 2009 19:18:59 GMT

Bear with me as I lead into this, because I have some philosophical ramblings about beauty products that guys (i.e., people who do not wear makeup and may not understand the appeal of cosmetics) may find interesting.

So. I have gift cards to Sephora, and also a promotional code from their newsletter that expires today, and then three free mini lip glosses as a birthday promotion, therefore: it's economy-boosting time. My on-and-off obsession with makeup, as previously documented here, is somewhat peculiar, given that I wear very little of it. I mean, number one: I don't leave the house much. I have sensitive problem skin, so there doesn't seem to be any point in irritating it with the constant application and removal of makeup that no one's going to see, you know? What I really love is trying out different colors, because if I wear anything, it tends to be eyeshadow and lip gloss--I really need to wear foundation and concealer, but honestly, when I do, all I look like is someone very obviously wearing foundation and concealer, so I figure the flawed natural look is preferable at that point, and I'll just have fun with my favorite eyeshadow palettes (Hard Candy's Suede and Star). Hence the recent fixation on Aromaleigh, because the samples are so cheap that I can play all I want, and I'm hearing from other patrons that their face powders do a really good job of blending and disappearing, so I'm going to get samples of those and see if I can finally achieve the no-makeup makeup look ("Like you, only better!").

As for why girls--some girls--get so obsessed with makeup, even someone like me who rarely wears it, I can tell you very simply: it's the promise of transformation. Philosophy has a moisturizer called Hope in a Jar, which pretty much sums it up. Or--to jump to a different area of retail--you know the Headset Vince informercial for the Slap Chop? The one where he declares, "Stop having a boring tuna, stop having a boring life"? Which is a bizarre leap of logic--if your tuna sandwich is marginally more interesting, your ENTIRE LIFE will be a new thrill every minute from here on out. I mean, obviously. But that's advertising: not selling you a tangible thing, but a new life and a new you. There's a line in The Women (the original, not the crap remake) where Norma Shearer's wise old mother says something (I'm paraphrasing from memory here) along the lines of, men have affairs in order to see a new version of themselves reflected in someone else's eyes; women just go get manicures, and if men would just move their office furniture around now and then instead, they'd be a lot happier. It's not the most progressive sentiment--remember, this movie was released in 1939--but I think there's a kernel of truth in there regarding makeovers: the idea that a superficial, cosmetic change will ripple all the way down to the core of what makes you unhappy. Stop wearing a boring lipstick: stop having a boring life.

So to me, the most alluring cosmetic lines are the ones that create an entire persona. Benefit is a really, really good example of this; the product names and packaging create this kicky retro girl-on-the-go aesthetic, both coy and confident. "That Gal" (quotation marks theirs) brightening primer! Get Even pressed powder! You Rebel moisturizer! Ooh La Lift concealer! (Fun fact: their Ms. Behavin' lipstick was used on the first Twilight movie. Guess who had to wear it.) On the other hand, there's Urban Decay, with all their gritty, "edgy" ~~trying too hard~~ eyeshadow names: Asphyxia, Midnight Cowboy, Grifter, Smog, Oil Slick, Roach. (The latter of which is actually a really great color that I'm not sure I could ever bear to put on my face.) I feel like if I was wearing these, I would go out and something badass would happen to me, and I would totally be ready for it. You know, all because my eyelids were sporting "lavender with blue sheen." In short, cosmetics are selling you a fantasy that most likely won't come true, but they're selling you so many different of flavors of fantasy that there's always something new to play with, some new means of reinvention, always some new hope.

(I ended up spending my gift cards on the Get Baked eyeshadow palette, the "That Gal" primer, and the Realness of Concealness kit. Happy birthday to me.)

(Zomg e-book! The Annotated Movies in Fifteen Minutes: Wizards!)

Hippo birdy, two me

Tue, 15 Dec 2009 02:44:20 GMT

So. Today. Thirty-one. I was depressed (not about the number itself) and that was stupid but there it is.

(Also, the day started out really crappy. "PUT HIS ASS ON THE PHONE!")

I will say, there is one thing I feel very strongly about on birthdays, and that is: it is very important that you blow out all your candles in one breath, for thus shall you have good luck all the next year! Which is why I get UTTERLY CHAGRINED when people put the same number of candles on the cake as you are years old, because when you're seven that's awesome, but when you're thirty-one, that's just basically a giant NO LUCK FOR YOU. I just don't have the lung capacity to deal with those kind of numbers, people. "Can we just get two candles in the shape of a 3 and a 1?" I asked desperately. So after I explained why I wanted fewer candles, we compromised and just put them on my piece:

So, yeah: my mother's Golden Pound Cake recipe. Birthday cake, no frosting: I'm a rebel.

And rather than ice cream, we did a sort of strawberry shortcake thing, except that I like my strawberries on the side:

I confess, that is Cool Whip.

So it was a quiet day; we had just my grandmother over for lunch rather than any kind of Entire Family thing. I don't know. I'm just getting to be a huge baby about not wanting to do anything for my birthday--what I want to figure out is what I feel so bad about. What is it that I actually want that I'm not getting? I'm throwing myself a giant pity party, but what's the occasion? Because you can't go about fixing a problem, about getting what you want, if you don't know what that is. And I just don't know.

Anyway. I'm still slowly replacing my music collection--I might be able to recover it when I'm sure I can afford to take Betsy into the shop after Christmas shopping is done, but I'm not counting on it--so I went and bought my two favorite Pretenders songs, "Night in My Veins" and "Love Colours." Coincidentally, I got that CD for my--16th birthday? I think that's the one it was. I wore that CD to pieces, which is why I can't rip it to Lizzie now. So, fifteen years later, here we are on iTunes.

Something else I bought on a whim off eBay just happened to arrive today, and I am counting it as a birthday present to myself because it is pretty much the best thing ever. Seriously, I think opening the packet and taking it out was the only thing that made me laugh all day. I paid the princely sum of $13.13 for it, and it will be a long time before I am able to work it into The Secret Life of Dolls, but you will die, all of you will absolutely die when you see it.

(Zomg e-book! The Annotated Movies in Fifteen Minutes: Wizards!)

This is your blogger on wine

Fri, 11 Dec 2009 21:21:42 GMT

So last night we finally decorated the tree that we got last weekend--the first thing you have to understand is that Christmas is a BIG THING in my family. Not in a religious sense--in a We Are Going to Decorate the SHIT Out of This House sense, and I love it. Of course, I loved it double-plus verygood when my mother opened a bottle of wine ("@cleolinda: Bottle of wine WOOOOOOOO"). I sucked down two glasses before she'd even made a dent in one ("@cleolinda: Second glass of wine WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"). Y'all, I need to drink every night. For real.

But before we get to the picspam, I will relay unto you a story Sister Girl told while she and her friend J. and I were in the kitchen afterwards: "YOU HAVE TO BLOG ABOUT THIS." (J.: "You haven't told her this yet? Oh, you gotta tell her this.") This past Monday, Sister Girl was minding her own business, working at Panera, you see, walking behind the registers carrying whatever it was wherever she was going--

"You stand there, okay?" she says, sending me to the other side of the kitchen counter, the side with the bar stools. She's on the far side of it now: "These are the registers, and you're the guy. That's how close I was--three feet away. So I'm walking past, and then... I just stop dead and stare at this guy. Like, I look away, and then I look back" (she is acting out a slack-jawed double-take) "and he knows I'm staring at him, and I don't even care. So finally I get going again and I go over to Kevin all like 'LOOK AT THAT GUY. NO NOT RIGHT NOW, WAIT A MINUTE, RIGHT BEHIND ME, LOOK AT THAT GUY. LOOK AT THAT GUY. LOOK AT THAT GUY. IS THAT--IS THAT THE GUY FROM TWILIGHT?' And he says, 'Oh my God, I think it is.' 'BECAUSE YOU KNOW I DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT TWILIGHT, BUT I THINK THAT IS THE GUY.' And then I went and got Brittany and was like 'LOOK OVER THERE NO NO OKAY RIGHT NOW LOOK OVER THERE' and she's like 'OH MY GOD IT IS TOTALLY THAT GUY!' "

"Did he have, you know--the profile?" I'm thinking we're absolutely going to clear this up when she ends up admitting, Well, no, kinda, not really--

"YES!"

"...Huh."

"AND HE WAS TALL AND HE HAD THE HAIR! Well, the hair was a little short but you can cut hair, right? And he was a little shorter, but people always end up being shorter in real life, right?"

"Well, actually, I've heard people say that he's taller, but sure. What did he order?" I asked, because I'm thinking that whatever the answer is, it's going to be the cherry of absurdity on top of the whole sundae.

"I have no idea."

"That's right, you were walking past the register. Did you hear him say anything?"

"I honestly couldn't tell you. It was like--I couldn't hear sound anymore."

"So... you were dazzled."

"Heh. Yeah. Heh. I kind of don't think it was really him, though. He wasn't--nice." My sister doesn't care about Twilight, but she is a movie and book Cedric Diggory fan. "He's supposed to be really nice even to the crazy people, and this guy was kind of pissed off."

"Well, I mean, you can see why, if everywhere he goes, people think he's That Guy. He needs to wear a nametag. Like, HELLO, MY NAME IS Martin, or something. Of course, imagine if you're actually Robert Pattinson, and that is your life--people [slack-jawed double-take face] everywhere you go, every second of every minute of every day."

Sister Girl and J. nod soberly, although they are still perplexed as to how This Guy (as opposed to That Guy) managed to look so very much like him, because it was, like, HIM, except 0.999~% not, and J. decided that he was (ominous tone) THE PATTINSON DOPPELGÄNGER, which I personally feel is the best book title that Robert Ludlum never came up with, but there you are.

"It could have been, though! Actual Jim Caviezel came in last month!"

"What? Jesus came to Panera?"

"YES! Brittany got a picture taken with him! Oh, but this guy the other day, he was there with some girl, but they left their table pretty soon, because everyone was staring."

"Was she brunette?"

"...kinda? She was pissed off, too."

Well, now we're back in business. "Did she fall down?"

"Heh, no."

"Well, that rules out fictional characters coming to life, then."

So apparently there's a guy in Birmingham who shares a good bit of Robert Pattinson's genetic code, and he is really, really pissed off about it. Leave him and his bread bowl in peace if you see him, y'all.

Moving on! A Tannenbaum picspam expanded from LIVE ON THE SCENE Twitter posts last night:

@cleolinda: http://twitpic.com/szoaf - Favorite childhood ornaments

Additional ornaments: I think I've had the mouse since preschool. Right: The bear that broke into a million pieces when I was five,
and that my mother then painstakingly glued back together, because I cried so much.

@cleolinda: http://twitpic.com/szor7 - They will never, ever let me forget that I bit Big Bird when I was three

@cleolinda: http://twitpic.com/szp2j - Melissa is 25 years old

Do you have a pink lobster on your tree? Yeah, that's what I thought

@cleolinda: http://twitpic.com/szpe9 - My nested glass bells

@cleolinda: http://twitpic.com/szpsh - Mountain-climbing Santa

@cleolinda: http://twitpic.com/szr1g - My favorite star

@cleolinda: http://twitpic.com/szz1f - The Twelve disordered Days of Christmas

Fiiiiiiiiive gooooooold rinnnnnnnngs

@cleolinda: Aaaaaand three ornaments got broken.

@cleolinda: INCLUDING THE PINK GLASS HUMMINGBIRD. I CRY.

@cleolinda: http://twitpic.com/t06tx - The hummingbird in happier days, an hour ago

The pink hummingbird is survived by its mate, the green hummingbird

@cleolinda: http://twitpic.com/t07kt - Scout enjoying the Christmas tree

@cleolinda: http://twitpic.com/t07wg - I WANT TO GO OUTSIDE

And finally: the tree before (with only lights) and after (with about half of our decades-old ornament collection on it):

Fin.

(Zomg e-book! The Annotated Movies in Fifteen Minutes: Wizards!)

A little night spam

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 03:29:33 GMT

YAYS, my Aromaleigh samples came in!

As previously mentioned, this is my (early) birthday present to myself. I got a ton of similar colors for the express purpose of trying them out side by side, to figure out which one(s) I like best--at $1 a sample, I figure I'm good for it. I have very deep-set eyes, so I can't wear terribly dark colors; I'm mostly looking at softer, lighter shades. After some deliberation, I have decided that I am neither a cool nor a warm, but rather a neutral, and I think I might actually try some of their foundation powders next. I've had better luck with Bare Escentuals (also a loose mineral makeup) than with other powder or liquid foundations, but it's still not quite as invisible-feeling as I'd like, and, again: one dollar per sample at Aromaleigh. Even an entire container would be cheaper than Bare Escentuals. It's worth trying.

(All of my heterosexual male readers just ran off to chug beer or headbutt each other like frightened deer or something.)

I think I'm down to Wish ("A peachy golden pink with slight iridescence") or Aurora ("A pinky-beige plush matte base scattered with tiny shimmers of blue and pink. Fit for a princess." I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE) at this point. Hell, if I'm going to bed anyway, I might as well just do each eyelid a different color.

As for the three lipstick samples, I think I will start with Nuance, and then maybe the Rosewood blush.

(OH MY GOD SHE'S TALKING ABOUT BLUSH, RUN AWAY!)

Oh, and I still need to do photo tests of their three Twilight powders for you. FOR SCIENCE. After which I will probably break into a Twilight Merchandise Curse rash. (...What? How do you think I got The Littlest Edward to sparkle?) OH OH I HAVE MORE TWILIGHT CANDY TO TRY because I am fearless. And apparently suicidal.

I'm still getting used to Lizzie's touchpad mouse, but I think we can have a little more linkspam.

Cate Blanchett And Hugo Weaving Round Out Returning 'Lord Of The Rings' Cast Members In 'The Hobbit.'

'The Sorcerer's Apprentice' Movie Trailer; New Photos From 'The Sorcerer's Apprentice.' And... it's not what you're expecting. It involves Nicolas Cage and the Chrysler Building, for one.

First Poster and Official Image for Disney's 'Tron Legacy.'

Jessie Cave Talks Fenrir Attack Scene for Deathly Hallows; Tom Felton: No Confirmation Yet on Aging for Deathly Hallows Epilogue; CNN: Harry Potter Actors Reflect, Look Forward to Life Post Deathly Hallows.

Universal's Wolfman has nards, nabs an R rating! Dear Literal Man of My Actual Dreams: I am totes free on Valentine's weekend if you wanna go see a werewolf movie. WOLFMAN WOLFMAN WOLFMAN!!!

@cleolinda: RT @cinematical: This Just In: The Twilight Saga: Eclipse will hit IMAX screens as well as conventional theaters on June 30th, 2010.

@AurRhudd: @cleolinda That is quite possibly the most terrifying thing I've heard in days.

@cleolinda: @AurRhudd You know, I first saw that and went, "Oh, yeah, well, obviously, of course it would WAIT WHAT?"

@cleolinda: I can't quite formulate my thoughts on this. 50-foot tall shirtless werewolves? Will it also be in 3D? Will I, in fact, lose an eye?

@cleolinda: And you know they'll go back and re-run the first two in IMAX as well. It's diabolical.

@cleolinda: Oh God, can you imagine how obvious the actors' contacts will be when they're 50 feet tall? RETHINK THIS.

Rachel Weisz On 'Unbound Captives' Co-star Robert Pattinson: 'He Is The Vampire, Right?'

@FakeAPStylebook: Scientists are always "baffled," never "intrigued," "curious," or "not giving a shit about this Bigfoot evidence."

Yahoo Movies Exclusive: The Chipettes sing 'Single Ladies' in a clip from 'Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel.' WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?

(Zomg e-book! The Annotated Movies in Fifteen Minutes: Wizards!)

A couple of things

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 00:47:25 GMT

Let's take a look at the Cosmo Bedside Astrologer, shall we? Because I spent a good hour this morning snickering over this.

@cleolinda: Heh, Cosmo's 2010 Bedside Astrologer supplement. Always entertaining in a "This is so not a life I will ever lead" way.

@cleolinda: http://twitpic.com/soa7s - All of this is going to happen. I totally believe it.

"Under energetic Jupiter, you're not ready for the holiday-party season to end. On the 20th, organize a night out with a competitive edge, like bowling." Sexy bowling.

Also, "solo sex" is recommended for April.

(Just April?)

@cleolinda http://twitpic.com/soajj - NO, COSMO

@PhurieDae: @cleolinda Sorry, all I can see on that horoscope spread is Superintimate Octopus.

@cleolinda: Apparently my "spiciest" match would be a Leo, like... Daniel Radcliffe. COSMO, Y U DO THIS?

@cleolinda: My "sweetest" would be an Aries, like... Hayden Christensen. I give up.

@count_01: @cleolinda At first, it was all right, you're a Potter fan. Now a pattern emerges, and you sound like more of a creepy pedo/cougar.

@cleolinda: @count_01 Okay, first off, no, it was NEVER all right. Not Harry Potter! I reviewed the first movie when I was 22 and he was A BABY.

@cleolinda: @count_01 AT LEAST THEY DIDN'T GIVE ME ZAC EFRON OKAY

He's all yours, Libras.

@cleolinda: http://twitpic.com/sob15 - Interestingly, I'm a Virgo ascendant.

I have to admit, "Your Guilty Pleasure: Being a Bad Girl" made me laugh, because "getting a huge kick out of shocking friends with occasional naughty exploits" is not too far off "being mostly prim on the internet, except for really filthy jokes now and then, just to keep people on their toes."

@cleolinda: I do like how the Virgo one is specifically like, "He has to be able to fix your PC." WHERE WERE YOU DURING THE COMPOCALYPSE.

Secondly, I feel like we need to have a little linkspam.

Exclusive: The villain's song from Disney's 'THE PRINCESS AND THE FROG.'

The Snow Queen is One of Disney's Next Hand-Drawn Films.

Peter Jackson Provides an Interesting Update on 'Temeraire.'

'The Lovely Bones': Hitchcock Meets Dali In Purgatory.

EXCLUSIVE: Here's What Ryan Reynolds Wants From A 'Deadpool' Trailer.

First Teaser Poster for 'Twilight Saga: Eclipse.' (It's a hi-res version of the one I posted a couple of weeks ago. YEAH, I PAID FOR THE TWILIGHT TRACKER iPHONE APP, BITE ME. Believe me, you can't hate me anymore than I hate myself.)

"There is a fiercely protective immortal hero who longs for your heart AND HIS NAME IS JESUS."

New NECA figures! 1) The Littlest Jasper is portrayed in the throes of Mad Hair Disease. 2) The Littlest Jacob is freakishly lifelike. For real. It's kind of disturbing. 3) WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THE EDWARD. SERIOUSLY. They HAVE a perfectly decent likeness on file! (This would be their... third Edward figure now, I think? Not counting Edward 1.2, Sunglasses Edward?) For those of you who did not see the movie, the little shirt rip is to represent the hole in his soul now that Bella is dead ("dead") or something, whatever. Look, go catch up. Also: "SPARKLE MOTION!" I can't tell if that's a joke or a feature--oh my God, I literally just now noticed this--they're listed as "Edward" and "Sparkle Edward"! It IS a feature! ~~As are crossed eyes. PAINT MORE BETTER, NECA.~~ OH MY GOD. I don't think The Shelf will be able to handle any of this.

ETA: Tonner Bella is selling out and NEW MOON TONNER BELLA WILL BE OUT SOON. And yet, I STILL HAVE NO ALICE.

(Zomg e-book! The Annotated Movies in Fifteen Minutes: Wizards!)

Shiny things

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 23:36:31 GMT

Another photo safari! And this one is LJ-only ~~because I couldn't actually stop and tweet it at the time~~!

Christmas decorations at the Riverchase Galleria from Saturday. This is a bit out of my neighborhood--Brookwood Mall is more my territory, but it's the biggest mall, and I always like its decorations the best. Look more closely at the golden haze below the bells--it's strings of beads.

(I wanted to take a picture of the carousel. I also didn't want to look like a complete tourist, and people kept walking in front of me anyway.)

Meanwhile, my favorite store at the Galleria is this little place called Ambiance; it looks like a world traveler's garage sale, and they've always got some really great, dessert-y candle burning. I didn't take as many pictures as I wanted to, though, because I wasn't sure the owners would be okay with it. So these are sort of stealthy.

String art earrings. Notice the 3-D spirals midway down.

They have a lot of this Art Nouveau-style stuff. I actually got the box on the right, the girl with the huge sleeves, as a Christmas present a couple of years ago.

I love all the patchwork fabrics they have. Those are bars of soap stacked up in the upper right corner.

I wish I'd gotten a better picture of the fabric, or the beading on the other side, or just more of it. The duo-tone sheen of the color was beautiful.

Russian fairy tale/folk art boxes. I really liked the one in the middle.

Should have taken a picture from the front of the shelf, but: stealthy. That's a Egyptian-themed hand mirror on the far left.

"I figure if a girl wants to be a legend, she should go ahead and be one." - Calamity Jane.

East meets West.

So we were walking back to the escalator and came across... a store of nothing but calendars. It seems to me that perhaps this is not the most successful enterprise eleven months out of the year, but who knows (this may be why I've never seen it before). And right when you walk in...

STOP STALKING MEEEEEE

This was actually one of four separate Twilight-themed displays in the store, by the way--this one was just to grab passersby in the main concourse. There were also a five-foot-tall cardboard... you know... shelfy thing... of calendars, a section for the board game, and a mostly-sold-out display where the Scene It! game had been. Those three were all visible from the cash register, because vampires are singlefangedly keeping the economy afloat at this point.

For all you Wizard of Oz fans. I don't know if the art is actually original advertising, or if it's new and just done in a vintage style.

One of these things... is not like the other.

(This picture was a bit difficult to get because a large man in sweats had begun following me around the store at this point. I'm fairly sure he was, because I was weaving around the displays in a fairly confusing, circuitous path--trying to double back and take pictures of things people had previously been standing in front of--and he was always somehow three feet behind me. This was the last thing I wanted him to catch me taking a picture of.)

ICE CREAM... OF THE FUTURE!

(Dippin' Dots. I've had it. It's... meh.)

And that was my Saturday, as opposed to my Sunday, which involved a brief photo safari at Lowe's--

@cleolinda http://twitpic.com/sfz2y - City of lights at Lowe's

@cleolinda http://twitpic.com/sfz7e - Heathers

@cleolinda http://twitpic.com/sfzhp - Orchids (aisle)

@cleolinda http://twitpic.com/sfzj6 - Orchid (1)

@cleolinda http://twitpic.com/sfzk8 - Orchids (2)

and the not-buying of a little 8" silver sparkle Christmas tree that I am kicking myself for not-spending four dollars on. Four dollars! And it would have been perfect! But I wasn't buying anything else, so I felt silly. Woe. We have, however, resolved the Shelfian Christmas Tree Dilemma in a manner that will be satisfactory to all, I trust. More on that later.

(Zomg e-book! The Annotated Movies in Fifteen Minutes: Wizards!)

Shelf to the future

Sat, 05 Dec 2009 16:32:21 GMT

As you may remember, the Compocalypse set us way, way back in terms of The Secret Life of Dolls, and I have many, many events to catch you up on. However, I don't want us to miss Christmas--it just won't be as fun however many months from now it takes me to catch up--so I'll try to go ahead and tell you what I can. Obviously, however, I'll have to be vague about a few developments.

So. I've finally managed to wrestle Lyra back into her winter furs--for some reason, she just hates the changing of clothes, as much as she likes the outfits themselves. (Let us not even speak of hair-brushing.) Kids, I guess. Against my better judgment, I have allowed her to play outside since Iorek can go out again (Alabama summer--and fall--was just too hot for him), and he's a pretty good protector. And we've sorted out the Serafina-Faramir thing--that's the very next thing I'll tell you about--so she and he and Legolas and Faramir One and Eowyn are out with them as well. Elizabeth has started hanging out with them as well, given that Anna is a bit indisposed at the moment. They have to be, in light of the coming Squirrelmageddon.

Back to Anna... she is serving a substantial sentence in the cabinet at the moment, but I plan to let her out in time for Christmas. Once we found out what she was up to, we had to call another Shelf Council. I asked if she had anything to say for herself, but her only statement was "I REGRET NOTHING." Lizzie gets to visit her once a day to bring her pie, but Galadriel has bound the cabinet shut, so there won't be any escapes this time.

The Littlest Edward is enjoying the holiday season as much as you would expect. We've moved the Sparklerosa into my room, which means that I'm tripping over ponies most of the time, but they're in far less danger from the cat now, and now Little Edward doesn't have to commute between his beloved ponies and his beloved Bella. Which is a good thing, because she was starting to get a bit haggard there, not knowing where he was half the time. Clarice is sulking double-time now, of course, but I'm working on something to do about that.

More importantly, The Littlest Edward is insistent that we decorate my bedroom--which makes up most of their world, after all--for Christmas. He would really like a string of lights (white lights, not colored; colored lights are so garish) and a little tree of some sort, but I don't know if I'll be able to swing that. Maybe I'll have to make another expedition to Hobby Lobby. It's going to involve a great deal of cleaning and tidying on my part anyway, so... that's just great. Bella, meanwhile, has her heart set on making a croquembouche--is that even a Christmas dessert? I don't even know; she just does. I asked if she wouldn't rather make a traditional plum pudding, and she said, "What? With the FLAMING BRANDY SAUCE? Yeah, I'm sure that'll work out REAL WELL." Touché.

The Ellowynes are dancing around asking if they get new outfits for Christmas. I have told them, very sternly, if they leave Tonner Edward alone, that they might.

Tonner Edward, meanwhile... he is not doing well. Really, really not well. I'll have to tell what exactly led up to my decision, but... I have put in a very special order for his sake, and I'm hoping it gets here in time.

(Zomg e-book! The Annotated Movies in Fifteen Minutes: Wizards!)

Checking in

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 16:13:29 GMT

So. Trying to ease back into work--there are people in my life who don't think that what I do is terribly interesting or worthwhile, and even I admit that it's only recently that it's become a gainful employment once again. So I don't tend to recognize that it's possible to overwork myself, my dreams aside. But then you look back and realize that I put out an e-book and two Fifteen Minutes (HEY DID YOU HEAR ABOUT NEW MOON IN FIFTEEN MINUTES? BECAUSE THAT'S STILL THERE) in the space of about six weeks, and that's a lot of mental effort. I mean, narrative fiction is one thing--but humor can actually be kind of nerve-wracking, because (as I'm so fond of saying), it's either funny or it's not, and if you're any good at it, you know when it's not, and you just have to sit there sweating blood until you come up with something that is. Which is why I love a nice rambly entry or recap that just happens on a whim, because it's not me trying, and it doesn't involve breaking out into metaphorical hives. So my point, and I did have one, is that I'm having to recognize that maybe I am just a little bit burnt out right now. But the more time you take off from something, the harder it is to get back into it--think of how much you dread going back to work after several days off--so I spent yesterday setting up footnotes on New Moon, should something else in the house blow up and I find myself ever needing to do a third e-book. Just putting in the numbers and reminders to myself ("Talk about that news article for this one, here's the link"), which I also did last November for the Twilight 15M, and let me tell you, a year later, that really came in handy. So I did that to ease myself back into footnoting, so on and so forth.

I think one of the things I'm going to try to do is be a bit kinder to myself, in terms of work. What I really need to do, I think, is stop trying to create deadlines and expectations for myself--which sounds odd, but the thing is, the ones I create are stressful, self-defeating, and counterproductive. I think you do need discipline, but I need to live more in the present with it--put in the daily hours and work steadily and do my best, but not worry as to whether that "best" is good enough, and if I'm "on track" and set all these grand unattainable plans, because that does not produce results for me. In fact, it makes me kind of crazy, and the best things I've done in my life were, in fact, the things I did on a whim and with no expectations. That may not work for you, but it seems to work for me. So I'm going to try to live more with my best efforts in the present and stop trying to stress myself out about the future.

(I have a Zen Garden app on my phone that starts up with little sayings, and one of them was, "To a mind that is still, the whole universe surrenders." I think it's a little like that.)

Meanwhile, in other news, we're supposed to get snow tomorrow (YAY), and the dogs are deeply depressed because it's too cold for them to go out and play (I'll let them out after lunch, once it's warmed up a bit). Also, I think my birthday present to myself will be a whole mess of eyeshadow samples from Aromaleigh, since they're only $1 each anyway, last a good long time, and you can get as many as you want. (Aromaleigh: TLE approved.)

A few quick links:

'The 40 Year Old Virgin Who Knocked Up Sarah Marshall and Felt Superbad About It' is Sadly Real and Has a Trailer. And sharp-eyed folks on Twitter noticed that a certain sparklepire shows up at 1:37. (BEHOLD.) Way to steal from the easiest target ever and still fail at humor, guys.

New Moon retold with lolcats.

Vampirism Does Not Make Stalking Attractive. I think I might actually buy this shirt to sleep in. You know, as a precautionary measure.

Full info at Neil Gaiman's Twitter: "Scary and sad: Paralyzed & abandoned by insurance -The Full Story."

Remember the Twilight hate questionnaire a lot of you guys filled out? Well, octoberland's article is up now!

From oasis_beatles: megmatthews20 needs eye surgery related to Marfan Syndrome, can you help? hope_in_sight is running a general/fandom auction to raise the $1500. As far as vouching for the validity of it, I recognize Meg's username as a longtime reader/commenter here (I was actually kind of shocked when I saw who it was for, the name was so familiar to me). I haven't seen her comment in a long while, for reasons that should be obvious.

Also, I know there were a couple of similar reader requests in my LJ messages, but I swear to you, my inbox has eaten them. I rarely if ever delete messages there, and there's at least two I can't find now. I have to add, though, that I'm very wary of posting requests for causes that can't be easily verified, so keep that in mind.

(Zomg e-book! The Annotated Movies in Fifteen Minutes: Wizards!)

Hello, peoples of the internet

Wed, 02 Dec 2009 01:11:10 GMT

In case you missed it yesterday: New Moon in Fifteen Minutes. I spent something like ten days in the comedy mines on that thing--not sure why it was so much harder than even I thought it would be, but it was, although I feel like it turned out decently well--so trust me, I will not be letting you forget it any time soon. And yes, I do read every single comment that comes in, via my email, so if you go over and say something, no, I won't miss it.

So, as promised: I did not do a damn thing today. I didn't even turn on the computer until 6 pm. I did read email comments and Twitter on my phone, wrote in my diary, sat outside in the very pleasant chill for a while, played with the dogs--honestly, I do not know how I actually spent the hours from eight to three. I was kind of bored the whole time, but in a very nice way.

I also had a very strange dream--my birthday's in a couple of weeks, I'm turning thirty-one (31), and while I'm being slightly less of a whiny baby about it this year--well, first of all, I should tell you why. It's not that I feel like I'm getting SOOOOOO OOOOOOOLD; it's that I feel like I've overslept. Noon is still really early in the day, but I was supposed to be up and doing things by 8 am, and where did all the time go? Why am I so far behind where I wanted to be? Etc. I also tend to have the OMG I WILL DIE ALOOOOOOONE whinefest crop up around now, which is where this dream came in. And I think that if you're single and you spend too much time exposed to the deleterious fumes of the Twilight phenomenon (read: if you are me), you start to wonder who your perfect man(s) might be, because LET ME TELL YOU, HE WILL NOT BE LIKE THAT TWINKLY FREAKSHOW. My big goal for the next year is to get out of the house more, particularly to travel a little bit and visit some out-of-state friends, and so I very well might actually meet some new people, which is mostly my problem right now--I'm not even meeting single guys so I can get rejected. Pretty much every guy I've met in--oh, the last five years, at least--has been married or otherwise occupied. Even the gay guys I've met are taken. (There are two ways to look at this: 1) Birmingham is a ridiculous place for a single girl. I mean, my small liberal arts college was like 60-70% female, and then you have to discount the gay, the taken guys, and the more pretentious art majors on top of that. RIDICULOUS. 2) Birmingham would be the best place for a single guy to move ever.)

So this is the kind of thing that occupies your mind, if you are me, right before your birthday when you're feeling restless and sorry for yourself. And I had a bit of a lie-down for the sheer cussed laziness of it, and: I had ths dream. I was sitting with a guy at a long, school cafeteria-style table, but it was a brightly-lit classroom (I seem to be having a lot of dreams about brightly-lit classrooms lately). Panel lighting: the sexiest atmosphere. The thing about the guy was, I couldn't ever quite get a clear look at him, even though he was pretty much the central feature--you know how dreams are. I couldn't see him very clearly, even though he was sitting about two feet away as we talked--even the details I could see (like hair color, skin tone, clothing--although I had a vague idea of--a shirt in blue-green plaid?) (it was a really beautiful plaid, too. What the hell) kept changing every time I glanced away and then back again. You know how, in dreams, you're sort of seeing things from two different, simultaneous perspectives--the "character" you are in the dream and then the actual you watching the dream? (Or maybe this is just me.) The Dream!Me in the conversation itself didn't really think Shifty Man was odd; Actual!Me was getting kind of frustrated with it. But I tell you what--I saw his smile very, very clearly, and if I ever saw it in real life, I swear to you, I would know it instantly.

The other thing was, he was holding my hands--not all sexy-like; he was rubbing them, like he thought my hands were cold or something. Mostly the backs of my hands, but in the dream I really wanted him to rub my palms. Also, his own hands were big but not rough, long fingers, and very strong. (I've also been dreaming about hands in additions to classrooms, and I really don't want to think about what kind of developing kink this may indicate.) Then he started rubbing my wrists; the one thing I clearly remember him saying was, "You work too hard," so... thanks for getting all Captain Obvious on me, dream. Eventually he started rubbing my left forearm (I notice that left and right tend to make a difference in dream interpretation), gradually up to the inside of my elbow, which was... oddly vulnerable. So... that happened. And then it was like the conversation came to a close, like at the end of a meal, and we got up and the room wasn't a classroom anymore, it was a more dimly-lit cafe or hole-in-the-wall restaurant in the middle of the day, like we had gone to lunch or something, and he asked me to walk him to the door, where he kissed me on the cheek--very casually, the way you do with someone you've been with for a long time. Then when we were outside on the sidewalk, he smiled at me and walked into the street--straight into an oncoming train (not a bus, a train, like a full-on subway train) and it went through him like he wasn't even there--which, after it passed, he wasn't. This seemed a bit mysterious, but fairly normal at the time. Of course.

So basically, the man of my dreams, literally, could be anyone who looks like anything and doesn't look before he crosses the street, but by God, he's got a great smile and he's wearing plaid. Thanks, brain.

(Zomg e-book! The Annotated Movies in Fifteen Minutes: Wizards!)

VICTORY LAP

Mon, 30 Nov 2009 16:35:44 GMT

New Moon in Fifteen Minutes.

Yeah, I probably struck a couple of True Believer nerves in there. Also, I let it run long on purpose. Haters to the left. It was HARD and I am not going to do JACK SHIT for the next couple of days. HUZZAH.

(Zomg e-book! The Annotated Movies in Fifteen Minutes: Wizards!)

WE ARE STILL ON THIS

Sun, 29 Nov 2009 23:20:22 GMT

Stiiiiiilll worrrrrking on New Moooooon. To that end, does anyone have a still/screencap of that really ridiculous, blatant fanservice moment when Jacob takes off his shirt to, like, dab at Bella's head? I mean the exact moment when he takes it off, you know the shot. It's an illustrated Fifteen Minutes, and the more on-the-nose the picture is, the better the punchline will work, and I only have shots from later in the scene. I just really don't want to Google for it, you know? The internets scare me.

(I'm wrestling with the last few problem scenes and trying to go back and polish the finished ones while I rack my brain for something interesting. It's running long--well, by "long" I mean "the standard 5000 words that most of the older ones are," but Twilight has kind of taken the place of the Harry Potter fandom in terms of OMG YOU LEFT OUT MY FAVORITE PARRRRRRT complaints. Within the stuff I felt compelled to include, I'm trying to tighten as much as possible. Also, the coding on this one has been a bitch because I tried to get fancy with a text effect. Fnarr.)

(Zomg e-book! The Annotated Movies in Fifteen Minutes: Wizards!)

So early in the morning

Sat, 28 Nov 2009 13:46:40 GMT

The new Made of Fail podcast is up, and it's something like my fifth appearance on the show--and this time we also have Rinna from Poufwa, the first podcast I ever did! Also, my sexy, sexy phlegm ("Yeah... I'm reporting live from my death bed..."), brought in loud and clear courtesy of my new headset. Topic: half New Moon and half Crazy Fans, with a substantial segment on the Dollhouse cancellation up front (aw, hell, I just heard myself cough in the background).

("I am in bed with another woman right now...")

And now, I'm going back to bed.

ETA: OH BY THE WAY we totally discuss the Twilight porno that Dayna watched for us.

ETA: Who has the "fever of a hundred and werewolf" thermometer icon, and who made it? Because I totally need to start using that.

(Zomg e-book! The Annotated Movies in Fifteen Minutes: Wizards!)

Happy Turkeymas!

Thu, 26 Nov 2009 15:31:32 GMT

I think we have, like, three different kinds of pie. That is pretty much all you need to know.

Meanwhile, what are you thankful for? Even if you are not American or eating many awesome foods today, although if not, I do pity you a teensy bit. Of course, you also don't have to deal with the accompanying Family Holiday Drama most of the rest of us do, so... maybe we're even.

I, for one, am thankful for the Made of Fail crew, who sent me these:

(The gold and silver shimmer M&M phrases are a reference to Episode 10, which I was on--the one people seem to recommend most to newcomers. The others just have "15" printed on them, because the M is already on there, and...)

(Oh my God, how is it already Thursday and I have not finished the thing yet wtf.)

(Zomg e-book! The Annotated Movies in Fifteen Minutes: Wizards!)

Sigh

Thu, 26 Nov 2009 00:41:38 GMT

Ran a low fever today, because apparently we are still on this. I'm spinning my wheels on New Moon between cough syrup-induced comas and not getting anything done. Outstanding. And tomorrow being Happy Eating Day, I doubt I'll get much else done then, either. God, I want my life back.

Hm. Well, I think what we need is some cute. If you are in the Homewood/Birmingham (AL) area, there is a three-month-old puppy at our vet's who is in need of a home. They have dubbed him "Snoopy," but obviously he could be renamed:

Also, here is Sam home fresh from his bath this morning:

Now to decide if I want to pass out again or not.

(Zomg e-book! The Annotated Movies in Fifteen Minutes: Wizards!)

Another day, another problem

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 19:23:56 GMT

So it turns out that we're not out of the Compocalyptic woods yet, kids. (Don't panic! It's not that bad.) I've finally set Lizzie up at my desk--which I haven't worked at for nearly four months now, by the way--and it turns out that... she doesn't fit. See, it's a huge desk with an attached shelf overtop, and it's divided down the middle by a... well, a divider. And each half is only just big enough to fit the laptop--not really anything that attaches. You know, like the wireless unit for a keyboard and mouse, or headphones, or the iPhone jack, or ANYTHING AT ALL, really. The divider doesn't run all the way from the back to the front of the desk--if I pull the laptop out, I can fit attachments in... but that's all the way to the edge of the desk, so there's no room for a separate keyboard. I'm so disgusted, I can't even tell you.

(Also, I looked at the wireless mouse, and it is completely alien to me. Great.)

So what I'm facing here is the prospect of buying a second desk. I love this desk. I don't want it to go anywhere. Also, there isn't any real possibility of it going anywhere, because I'm not even sure how we heaved it upstairs in the first place. So I'm thinking it might be possible to find a light, cheap desk--a glorified table, really, if I can get one at the right sit-down height--and put it against the foot of my bed. I am really running out of room in my room, but this is the simplest solution I can think of.

So until then, I'm stuck with the flaky touchpad mouse and the keyboard I'm not quite used to, but, like I said: it's kind of on the level of complaining that my diamond shoes are too tight.

Been resting mostly--slept in this morning, since the dogs are off getting their baths to be all shiny-fresh for Happy Eating Day. Still trying to work on New Moon in Fifteen Minutes--I am this close to busting out the 5x8 notecards all hardcore "I are srs writer"-style, just because I get completely overwhelmed by my sea of notes. FYI: I have never had to use notecards for a Fifteen Minutes before. Don't ever say I don't love you.

Meanwhile, this breaks my heart: Chris Weitz finally admits that New Line screwed The Golden Compass over.

Weitz claims that New Line didn't trust him to handle the content of the book, that the film was taken from him in editing. Heavy-handed hacking resulted in losing nearly 30 minutes of footage from the film, and neatly exercised the edgy thrust of Phillip Pullman's book. "It was an utter violation of my status as a director and the worst thing that has happened to me professionally ... I was treated badly, it was almost like they never read the books. They seemed frightened of offending the right." Out of loyalty to the cast and crew, Weitz said he "bit through my tongue" when Compass was released.

Also: 7 Threatened Fanboy Responses to New Moon. Which really piss me off, by the way. There's a line between "The Twilight movies are ridiculous and I disagree with their view of the world" and "OMG SOMETHING LIKED BY GIRRRRRRRRRRRRLS." I was glad it didn't outgross The Dark Knight because the latter is one of my favorite movies, not because such an event would shrivel my e-penis, BOYS.

(Also-also: apparently you can now talk to your kids about Edward Cullen and drugs at the same time.)

(Zomg e-book! The Annotated Movies in Fifteen Minutes: Wizards!)

I am so confused as to which day of the week it is

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 01:33:51 GMT

Saw New Moon again today, because Mom wanted to see it--and, once again, the movie broke down at a key scene. This time they actually gave us free passes afterwards (which I intend to use on Sherlock Holmes next month, kthnx), but the lesson I think we should all take away from this is: don't go see a Twilight movie with my mother. Or, at the very least, warn a theater manager beforehand. She liked it, although she says she got bored during the Jacob third of the movie. I come by it honestly, people.

Still working on New Moon in Fifteen Minutes (although apparently not fast enough, judging by a number of inquiries sent in). Mostly it's my head cold that's holding me up--we're progressing to an itchy dry cough and sinus-exacerbated migraines now. I took another nine (Jesus, nine?) pages of notes at this viewing, mostly because I wanted to nail the stuff that pisses me off, instead of just going BULLSHIT LOVE TRIANGLE WHAT IS THE POINT WHATEVER I DON'T CARE. (Although that would definitely shorten the word count, and you know how much I enjoy accomplishing that.) The problem, though, is that this isn't 2012, where "No one cares about these characters" is a legitimate, objective statement. Seriously, no one cares. BLOW STUFF UP. Whereas I find Jacob to be a character in need of a far better story, and the love triangle to be, as previously stated, a badly-conceived, pointless, bullshit waste of time, but that's not universally agreed upon. Particularly in the eyes of Team Jacob. Who I am pretty sure will eat my face. I mean, the pro-sparkilarity slant will probably piss them off anyway; let's not borrow trouble.

Oh, meanwhile: I mentioned talking to a reporter from the (I will now reveal) Hartford Courant. (Article here.) Turns out my part (and that of a Hartford professor as well) got edited out for space considerations, which is okay. I mean, I was expecting to be in all of two sentences anyway. However, I am the one who gave the writer a crash course in the hilarrible world of the "Twilight" "Saga," and you can see my influence in the first few paragraphs. Let me just say, if I say nothing else, that it's not so much that the books themselves are dangerous or horrible or bad influences or [insert feminist/sociological complaint here]; it's that we need to talk about those issues in hopes of neutralizing them. A lot of girls and women read these books, enjoy them, and walk away unscathed, because they're just books. Unfortunately, we've also seen a number who don't. I'm not saying that there's any one truth here, in terms of whether these books do or do not harm whoever in whichever way. I'm just saying, clearly they've eaten society's brain at this point, and it's the sheer number of people who read them that give them their power. It's the zeitgeist now, so we need to be having these discussions, and it's the discussions themselves--there are no "answers"--that will keep us on stable ground. So, I'll say it again: Parents, talk to your kids about Edward Cullen. And drugs, if you get around to that.

(Zomg e-book! The Annotated Movies in Fifteen Minutes: Wizards!)

Halp!

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 00:43:24 GMT

Okay, problem: I am trying to move music from my computer to the iPhone (and vice versa, now that I think about it), and I'm not finding a way to do so without just doing a blanket sync. The problem with this is that I have music on the phone that I don't want to get wiped and would, in fact, like to transfer to the computer, but I also have music on the computer that I'd like to move to the phone. (Moving recently purchased music was not a problem. We are talking about music that iTunes does not recognize as purchased because it wasn't purchased from them.)

The thing is, I have moved music both ways before on the other computer, so I'm confused because I'm not seeing similar options on my setup. The help section did mention something about only being able to do whatever on one computer--if that's the problem, is there a way to, I don't know, "revoke" the doingness from the other computer and tell iTunes that Lizzie is the one computer my phone needs to sync with?

(OMG WHY IS THIS SO HARD)

ETA: YAY! EphPod/CopyTrans turned out to be a snap.

(Zomg e-book! The Annotated Movies in Fifteen Minutes: Wizards!)

So that happened

Sun, 22 Nov 2009 17:45:45 GMT

Phew! New Moon Fails to Break Opening Weekend Record. So The Dark Knight is safe. However:

Instead, after clinching the Best Midnight Opening record and Best Opening Day record, New Moon will have to settle for third on the Best Opening Weekend list after walking away with a pretty astonishing $140 million when it was all said and done.

If that number holds up (and it should), the film will replace Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End for third place on the list of all-time best opening weekends (domestic), and will settle in behind only Spider-Man 3 (second) and The Dark Knight (first). Still, with $130 million, New Moon more than doubled Twilight's opening weekend ($69 million) -- in addition to taking in the largest domestic weekend gross of the year.

My final estimate of $140M did turn out to be correct, though. I feel irrationally smug about this, purely from a movie buff point of view.

Meanwhile, the new ep of Made of Fail is about to start recording, and it will actually not be an entire review episode of the movie. Not... entirely.

(Zomg e-book! The Annotated Movies in Fifteen Minutes: Wizards!)

YOU CAN'T STOP THE SPARKLE

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 17:16:00 GMT

'New Moon' Smashes 'Dark Knight's' Opening Day Record!

Which means it's already made a shade just under one hundred million ($100M), which was my original entire-weekend prediction. (ETA: Or wait, the midnight screenings are included? $72M is a bit better. Although that's still more in 24 hours than Twilight made its entire first weekend.) I'm officially revising my estimates up to $170M now. (Well, in that case, let's take it down to $140M.)

You know, I'm not surprised, exactly. It was tracking above TDK all week, and it's already the highest-grossing advance ticket seller and midnight opening. And it may be that the mainstream won't turn out the rest of the weekend. But the official @Twilight account on Twitter has been RTing messages from fans saying that, as of mid-afternoon yesterday, they had already seen the movie four and five times. Four and five times. I understand, sociologically, psychologically, emotionally, financially, why it's happening. I'm not surprised, precisely. But I'm kind of astounded.

(Zomg e-book! The Annotated Movies in Fifteen Minutes: Wizards!)

Settling in

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 16:43:16 GMT

So I'm still getting used to the keyboard (you know how laptop keyboards are more compact) and the touchpad mouse, since I haven't installed my wireless ones yet (for some reason, I never seem to hit the M key on this one hard enough), but: LIFE IS AWESOME. Also, I get to stay logged into everything (I cannot even tell you how happy this makes me), and I have all my pet programs back, or at least the ones I've remembered to go download so far (INCLUDING SEMAGIC, HUZZAH). I'm currently set up in the den with the dogs, rather than holed up in my room the way I usually would be, and I kind of love it.

My cold is still pretty gnarly; it's at that point where you can tell you're going to have to get snarflier before you get better, you know, as it progresses through the Stages of Phlegm, but I'm holding up. My nose is itching off my face and kind of hurts, plus the chest congestion and all, but I've had it worse.

I'm trying to get back to work now--had a day off, as it were, to freak out over the new laptop--now that I've successfully delivered 2012 in Fifteen Minutes and survived the New Moon preview on Wednesday. I'm not even going to pretend that New Moon in Fifteen Minutes is something Of Which We Do Not Speak, because we've all known since they greenlighted the movie the very day after Twilight was released that I would be doing it. So I'm working on that--couldn't sleep last night due to congestion, so sat up and wrote about six pages on it by hand (this is not all that much, though), and handwrote a bit more this morning. It's really intimidating, not just because I've got the Twilight one (which turned out pretty well) to live up to, but I've also got the last one I did--2012, of course--to live up to as well, since that turned out unexpectedly well. (Probably because writing these for five years with a determined focus on getting better at it has... well, in fact, gotten me better at it.) So I guess you could say that the problem with working on growing as a writer is that you have to keep growing, and sometimes you end up rocking in the corner and twitching a bit because of it. But really, my performance anxiety isn't as bad as it was last year, probably because I've got more time to wrestle with it. Please, let me somehow find a way to see an early preview of Eclipse next summer, I've been ever so good.

Speaking of which, I don't know that I've seen this posted anywhere:

Oh, and we'll be recording the new Made of Fail on Sunday, BECAUSE I HAVE A COMPUTER AGAIN AND I CAN.

P.S. I'm a Master Sparkler Taunter!

(Zomg e-book! The Annotated Movies in Fifteen Minutes: Wizards!)

HAY GUYS

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 21:54:47 GMT

This is Lizzie

Say hi, Lizzie

Lizzie says hi

(Zomg e-book! The Annotated Movies in Fifteen Minutes: Wizards!)