Occupation: Girl

So I heard this song on Pandora and the chorus got stuck in my head, so finally I went to iTunes and bought it. (By the way--if you buy a song on your phone, how do you get it over to the iTunes on your computer? Because I'd really like for the sync process to not erase it.) So I'm sort of head-tossing and shoulder-dancing along with it while I'm writing in my journal like the thirteen-year-old I so entirely am. You know, as you do. The lyrics were a bit creepy in an obsessive/submissive way-- ( ... wait )

The last week or so has been jam-packed with Do Not Want, so I'm going to link you to all of it so that everyone else, in turn, can stop sending the links to me.

Sugar Daddy Ken. This is absolutely a real Mattel product. They claim the dog's name is Sugar, and thus Ken is "Sugar's daddy," but I think we all know what's going on here. Also: They AGED the Ken's face. I didn't even know you could DO THAT.

A closer look at/review of Sparkle Ken. I think Sugar Daddy Ken might be interested in this.

The Succu-Dry. Not safe for work or, I suspect, penises. That said, the combination of wordplay and vulgarity has resulted in the most magnificent product name I have ever seen.

The Panties. Not safe for brains. Do not click this link. I am so incredibly serious. Do not click this, you have so much to live for. But I have to post it so people will stop sending it to me. Yes, it's worse than Bella's Felted Womb. It will destroy your faith in whatever deity you do or do not believe in. Let us never speak of this again.

And finally, in a revival of our beloved Uwe Boll Slot: Uwe Boll. Darfur. Actual rape victims. I don't see how this could possibly go wrong!

(Zomg e-book! The Annotated Movies in Fifteen Minutes: Wizards!)

Tags: actual sparkle motion, barbie, dolls, i am never making it up, i don't like people anymore, movies, music, music discussion, twilight, twitter, wtf

I was there and I still don't quite understand what happened. Mom was cutting up chicken for her green salad--she's on a medically-monitored protein-bar diet at the moment, but she can have "real food" for dinner--at the time. Now, what we think happened was, the dogs started snarling over theoretical rights to the chicken, because they love them some chicken. Little Sam (pomeranian) and Shelby (50 lb terrier mix) faced off, and the next thing we know, they're having a full-on rumble and Scout (other 50 lb terrier mix) is involved and we're all shouting and I manage to get Scout by the collar, but Mom's trying to wrench Shelby off Sam because Shelby won't let go of Sam's neck, and the next thing I know there is ( This gets a bit gory )

Short version: the whole thing ended up like a mashup of the gory shower incident and the Flesh-Eating Catbitis saga. At least this time the bite victim GOT IMMEDIATE MEDICAL TREATMENT, THANKS.

And now I'm going to bed. Fnarr.

Tags: are you kidding me, dogs, horror, i am never making it up, my mother, tribulations, wtf

Okay, look. I can't be at the computer a whole lot and I can post links even less, particularly since I'm cleaning madly for the lunchtime electricians, but we have got to get a few things out of the way because this is the subject of half my inbox this morning:

Yes, I have seen the sparklecock. Yes, you too can now own your own unofficially Twilight-themed glitter dildo. Well, technically I haven't looked at it yet, although I have read the description ("THROW IT IN THE FRIDGE FOR THAT AUTHENTIC EXPERIENCE"?), because I am on the family computer and I will never, ever be able to explain this.

And yes, Edward's life-size shadow can watch you while you use it.

Excuse me, I have to go bleach my mind's eye now.

(Also, Amazon's Tonner prom exclusive Bella has her own little leg cast. Apparently the doll's product name--the way the SDCC Edward exclusive was "Hungry"--is "Turn Me." I... I really don't like thinking about all three of these items being in the same room.)

Tags: actual sparkle motion, dolls, i am never making it up, scary, sex, tonner, twilight, why god why, wtf

Today, before 8:30 am: I have no phone because I washed it, the Geek Squad wants to charge us an extra $145 just to come to the house and help with the computer even though we have a contract with them, and then my mother's car died.

11:45: The dishwasher finally gave up the ghost.

Well, technically, it's still clutching that ghost pretty tightly--there's two inches of standing water in it, the dishes are spattered with nasty soap spots, and it's snarling at us. I am not even kidding, it is making actual snarling sounds. So it's not an electrical thing--it's been getting more and more weaksauce over the last few months, and it finally just decided to join the parade of fail today, since all the cool kids were marching in it.

Once shit started to Get Real last night, I basically went into calm fix-it mode because, quite honestly, I had already hit Shock, Denial, Psychotic Tantrums and Helpless Wallowing on the Kübler-Ross Stages of Grief model, so there really wasn't much else to do. Also, the car being inexplicably dead almost broke my mother, so one of us had to hold it together. So this is my plan of action:

1) We are going to buy a new dishwasher this weekend. Surely I'll sell a ~~wheat crop~~ book soon! We'll live like kings, Caroline, automatically dish-washing KINGS!

2) We are taking the laptop back to Best Buy and getting a straight-up refund just to be shot of them, and then I'm going to re-order a Studio 1737 from the Dell site. The Geek Squad will refund their contract as well. There is no question about this. They will. They will be dealing with my mother. They will.

3) A new battery, and my mother's car was fine. So far. I hope.

4) I don't know about a replacement for my phone; for the moment I'm toting the cordless house phone around. I mean, around the house, in case someone in the family has to call me. while I'm here. Which I will be. There's a reason I have an actual "leaving the house omg" tag. When people I'm not related to need to get hold of me, they usually email--which, of course, would be great except that I don't have my own computer at the moment.

5) I'm still cleaning for the electricians to come tomorrow, not because I care what they think of my mess, but because I literally cannot walk across the room without holding on to stacks of boxes to maneuver around them, so I can hardly expect them to REACH my electrical outlets under those conditions, much less replace them. Basically, I'm cramming everything into the closet, tight as a clown car if necessary, and what won't fit in there will go into the attic temporarily. Really, I just want it to look like a normally messy room. And also, at least we'll have that problem taken care of.

(I want to go to bed so badly right now. Yes, it is currently 7:45 pm.)

Tags: appropriate responses to bad situations, computer: lizzie, computers, i am never making it up, my mother, tribulations
Current Mood: tired

Guys, my mother just found my phone in the washing machine. I washed my phone. I have no phone because I washed it.

Reader, I confess, I started laughing really hard. She looked like she wanted to throttle me.

ETA: I've told you how we bought the Geek Squad contract and my mother's so in love with the concept of the Geek Squad and how they will come fix everything and Make It All Better? Finally I said, look, just CALL THEM, whatever, I just washed MY PHONE, I DON'T CARE. So while she does that, I check my email, I read the news, I finally read the Best Buy: Geek Squad Gouges article at The Consumerist. Not FIVE MINUTES LATER, she storms in and announces that the Geek Squad 1) can't get here until August 31st which is 2) the same day as my dentist appointment (I started laughing hysterically at that point, just because: COME ON NOW, REALLY) and 3) they want to charge us $145 to come out and, essentially, look at the thing and maybe load Microsoft Office. "I THOUGHT THAT THE POINT OF THE CONTRACT WAS FOR THEM TO COME OUT AND FIX THINGS BECAUSE WE HAD ALREADY PAID THEM WHAT IS THIS WHY DID WE EVEN GIVE THEM ANY MONEY IN THE FIRST PLACE WHAT IS EVEN THE POINT OF THE CONTRACT??????????" she capslocked.

Apparently as the call was ending, whoever she was talking to asked if she had received good customer service. My mother paused for a long, long time. "You were very nice to me on the phone," she said finally.

ETA: Y'ALL, MY MOTHER'S CAR IS DEAD. She went out to the garage just now and it was just cold as a stone. Wouldn't even make a noise. "It's either the battery or the alternator," she said. But she doesn't know WHY--she didn't leave anything on to run it down. I couldn't stop laughing, in that "I have no other response left" way--well, I stopped when I realized she was near tears. "And I don't have Triple A anymore, because we couldn't afford it," she said. "I am just so tired. I am just so tired of life."

I'm afraid to stay in this house today, y'all. I don't know what's going to happen next.

Tags: are you kidding me, chez jones, computer: lizzie, computers, conversations with my mother, i am never making it up, my mother, oh hell no, tribulations

1) House rules: Don't fight on my journal. Don't. Disagree, discuss, that's great. But you will be civil and non-snippy to me and each other on my own journal. Take it somewhere else if you can't.

2) My stepfather decided to buzzcut the Angry Jasmine again. The jasmine then got so much angrier, in fact, that it disgorged a swarm of yellowjackets that stung him upside the head several times. I'm not even making this up.

3) Yesterday, I opened the front door to take Scout outside on his leash, and there's a dead bird toes up on the doorstep. A fairly large bird, too--you know, the size of a pigeon, rather than a sparrow. We have no idea what it was doing there, because it was under the little porch overhang fairly close to the door, so it couldn't have just fallen out of the sky or something.

( Linkspam )

Tags: 9, alice in wonderland, awards, barbie, batman, cameron!avatar, coco avant chanel, dark shadows, deaths, dogs, dolls, harry potter, i am never making it up, inception, makeup, movies, narnia, o snap, oscars, pirates of the caribbean, public enemies, robin hood, runaways, scout, sparkle motion, terminator, the box, the fighter, the last airbender, true blood, tv, twilight, vampires, watchmen, werewolves, why we can't have nice things
Current Mood: sleepy
Current Music: Garbage - Push It

Back that way: Iorek finally gets his skyfoil (with pictures!); the Faramirs read Twilight; Valentine's plans are made.

I'm behind on the Snack Deathmatch! Today: Apple pie vs. peach pie.

I am behind on so, so much, actually. Particularly the linkspam. And discussing the bush fires (which we will get to in greater length this weekend. Again: The Red Cross). I spent much of the day sneezing, strangely. And I'm an hour late on getting dinner because I passed out napwise from five to seven. So I'm not feeling so much with the good right now, I guess.

( Linkspam )

Tags: antiquities, awards, batman, cameron!avatar, cirque du freak, dolls, ebooks, fame, franklyn, harry potter, i am never making it up, iron man, jane austen, lolcats, lost, music, nora roberts, oscars, poe, salvador dali, sparkle motion, star trek, star wars, sunshine cleaning, the da vinci code, the international, toys, tv, twilight, u2, valentine's day, vampires, watchmen, x-men
Current Mood: sleepy
Current Music: Emilie Autumn - Heard It All

Still tired. I mean, I know what it is--I'm not getting enough sleep. Dammit. I just really need some kind of rest before I get back to True Blood recaps, is the problem. Even so, I'm still feeling very mellow re: Twilight in Fifteen Minutes being done and people seeming to like it and not eating my face. Anyway, got a batch of Twilight icons done last night--this one (points up) is the only one using Arial so far, but I like it. I'm kind of constricted by what I can find pictures of (this is why I'm desperately searching for a bootleg--to screencap it), but I'll work it out somehow.

Meanwhile, my mother woke up me up at seven all like WHAT IS THE EARLIEST SHOWING FOR TWILIGHT GO FIND IT AND BUY US TICKETS WE WILL HAVE TO GET THERE EARLY I AM GOING OUT TO BUY CORNBREAD. It's going to be a Very Sparkly Turkeymas here at the Jones house.

(Just when I thought we'd run out of ways to play Horrify the Twilight Noob: HTTN, Movie Edition. Seriously, I did not make that line up. No, really, I didn't.)

So, anyway. That's what I'll be doing today: trying to catch about an hour's nap, do a little work, and then go see the movie again with my mother, who keeps telling me that I have to "tell [her] why it's stupid." Um, I'm pretty sure you're going to be able to figure this out for yourself, Mom.

Tags: conversations with my mother, i am never making it up, icons, m15m, movies, my mother, sparkle motion, thanksgiving, twilight
Current Mood: mellow

Okay, we're back. If you missed it due to the LJ outage (and you keep up with the Twi-spam), go back and read last night's Twilight premiere entry. It's a post where Cloverfield, Tyra, tomorrow night's South Park and an alternate-universe True Blood collide, let's put it that way. Also, the anti-Twilight commentfest is still going, so don't miss that. (Speaking of that, apparently

batman_lulz has joined in now.)

(

lissomelle: "Just wanted to pop in for a mo' and say... all trolling reports regarding the poll comments are pretty much true. Twatlight came in eventually, but this one was pretty much solid ONTD.")

(Yeah, but Twatlight is here: Robert Pattinson Answers YOUR Questions! Well, not anymore he won't.)

(Okay, 'fess up: How many of the irate commenters on the "Disney's obsession with Bolt" entry are y'all?)

Meanwhile,

lunylucy braved the hordes and got a Sparklypoo t-shirt signed. (The back story on Sparklypoo.)

Looks like Twilight premiere fuggings are starting to go up, so keep an eye out for those.

( ... and that was just the Entertainment Weekly staff )

Tags: batman, crazy, fandom, fashion, harry potter, i am never making it up, movies, sparkle motion, tour of terror, twilight, why we can't have nice things, wtf
Current Mood: working

You know, the premiere widget thing was boring as all hell, and yet, it was like... what if something does happen? ( People are climbing the barricades! There go the security guys! )

Meanwhile, apparently opposing groups of shippers broke into a screaming match: "TEAM JACOB WILL RIP YOUR SPARKLY DAMN FACE OFF!!"

E!Online: Twilight's World Premiere Rocks Los Angeles. "I have never seen anything like this at a movie premiere. Or heard anything like it." Whoa, I hadn't seen the red half of Kristen Stewart's dress.

This Wednesday on South Park: "Butters is sure he’s seen a vampire at school but he can’t get anyone to listen to him. Meanwhile, the Goth Kids are angry and frustrated when the other kids can’t tell the difference between a Goth and a Vampire."

( HE TRIED OUT FOR TRUE BLOOD? )

Tags: cloverfield, crazy, fandom, i am never making it up, movies, narnia, south park, sparkle motion, tour of terror, true blood, tv, twilight, vampires, why we can't have nice things
Current Mood: mellow

Ah, it's time for the Twi-spam. I haven't heard anything in particular about the Tour of Terror events from Friday, so maybe they came off without incident? Or perhaps, as I feared that other time, there were actually no survivors to report back. Even the Saugus article just kind of cuts off before they really get to anything.

Somewhere out there, there's the Twilight equivalent of the Cloverfield video--shaky-cam, rampaging hordes, a brief glimpse of The Hair (fangirl parasites a-cling) wandering through the food court, horrified screaming, blood everywhere--video cuts off.

( I had a woman ask me if I could hold her baby for a little while )

Tags: books, cloverfield, crazy, fandom, i am never making it up, jewelry, movies, screencaps, sparkle motion, tour of terror, twilight, wtf
Current Mood: busy

First things first: Twilight Takes Over The Pop Charts; Twilight Sequels Moving Forward. So I guess Summit's assuming at this point that they're going to make the $150 million (or more) that Catherine Hardwicke estimated would be necessary to make sequels...?

(I keep having this horrible feeling that we're all going to be sitting here on November 24 meebling, "I... I didn't know you could make one billion dollars in a single weekend...")

(OMG IT'S A NEW MSPAINT_LOLZ!)

Hey, I haven't heard anything about the maul tour hitting Philadelphia yet, this is kind of weird... there were survivors, right?

*googles "philadelphia news"*

( SLIDES: Twilight engulfs the land )

Tags: comics, crazy, fandom, i am never making it up, movies, music, sparkle motion, tour of terror, twilight
Current Mood: cheerful

Okay, I've been working productively for two hours, so now we're going to do a Twi-spam entry to get it all out of the way. ( He calls her crazy AGAIN! )

From

miss_eponine: Fifteen minutes of B-roll footage, and it is so amazing that I am putting the link outside a cut. That amazing. And it pretty much gives away the entire movie. If you like watching stunts and wires and green-screens (and I LIVE for this shit, seriously), you will love it. Also? Actors miming vampire baseball. GOLD.

Tags: books, crazy, fandom, i am never making it up, movies, sparkle motion, tour of terror, tv, twilight
Current Mood: busy

Yeah... you know how the Orland Park mall and security and police were "totally ready" for Twimania? Yeah. From

wendyzski: Tickets Sell Out For 'Twilight' Star's Mall Appearance.

Tickets for an appearance by "Twilight" star Robert Pattinson at the Orland Square Mall went on sale early and were gone within an hour. [...] Tickets had been scheduled to go on sale at 7:15 a.m., but so many people came ahead of time that organizers decided to begin ticket sales by 11 p.m. Tuesday night. By midnight, they were all gone.

And people are Not Happy:

Hot Topic are liars. Once again, this Chicago one was a disaster. Tons of us have called over the week and they all gave us the same answer. "You can’t line up till 5am. If you do you will be escorted out." Well you can only imagine what a big surprise it was when we got there at 1 in the morning only to find out that they had started to sell them early. It is sad because they lied to so many of us. Some people had driven hours to get there only to find out it was too late.

And this is from someone who did get a wristband. Good job, guys!

( That's so funny. That's the most bizarre thing I've ever experienced )

ETA: The lines for Philadelphia and Saugus begin NOW, guys:

Below are the line-up locations:
Plaza at King of Prussia mall entrance - to the left of JC Penney
Square One mall entrance - between Best Buy and Sears

First come, first serve, no prisoners taken. Bring your riot gear.

Tags: crazy, fandom, i am never making it up, movies, sparkle motion, tour of terror, twilight
Current Mood: busy

You know, I wasn't going to do a whole Twi-spam post, and then... well. It got epic. ( This woman is mad. She's completely mad, and she's in love with her own fictional creation )

Tags: crazy, epic win, fandom, i am never making it up, movies, sparkle motion, tour of terror, twilight, wtf
Current Mood: wtf
Current Music: Rihanna, "Disturbia"

San Francisco DID happen, five hundred people got in (ah, so the cancellation was a very cunning plan) and Twatlight got a signed poster. I'm sure more will come out as people stagger home.

Tomorrow: Dallas. Let's hope they're prepared.

Tags: crazy, fandom, i am never making it up, movies, sparkle motion, tour of terror, twilight
Current Mood: shields up

So... in case you missed it, the previous entry was about a crowd of 3000 fans rioting outside a San Francisco mall over wristbands to a Robert Pattinson event tonight. (Number of fans expected: 200-500.) Well, it would have been tonight, except that the mall canceled it after the police showed up. (I told my mother this story, and her response was an eloquent D:< .) No word on whether blood will be shed in Seattle at the event with the other actors. Of note, then: the Hot Topic ~~Maul~~ Mall Tour schedule, or, Locations to Avoid If You Value Your Life. Dallas (Pattinson) and Denver (Jacob and the bad vamps) (have you heard my new band, Jacob and the Bad Vamps?) will be tomorrow, with Chicago and Phoenix on Wednesday. The events will be running through Friday or Saturday, so, you know, check the list to see if there will be any huge traffic snarls or fangirl riots in your city.

(

celticangel76 says she's going to brave the Dallas event, with updates at her journal tomorrow. Please be safe, y'all. Mob mentality is scary.)

Okay, this just in: I do not have print confirmation as of yet, but I'm hearing that San Francisco is still happening? WHAT?

More Twi-spam: ( Kristen Stewart: Yo, you have to protect us from this )

Regular linkspam: ( Tons o' stuff )

Tags: antiquities, australia, batman, bond, books, brokeback mountain, changeling, crazy, crime, epic fail, fandom, harry potter, i am never making it up, iron man, jewelry, movies, my next garage band, nine, politics, saturday night live, scifi, sherlock holmes, sparkle motion, spelling complex, star trek, terminator, the beautiful and the damned, the curious case of benjamin button, the da vinci code, the daily show, the international, theater, tour of terror, true blood, tv, twilight, vampires, video, watchmen, why we can't have nice things, wonder woman, wtf, x-men, zombies
Current Mood: wow, seriously?

HOLY SHIT, Y'ALL.

celticangel76 just sent me this link: Crowd Forces Cancellation of "Twilight" Movie Event in San Francisco.

A planned meet-and-greet for the star of teenaged vampire movie is cancelled after hundreds of fans stormed the entrance to the Stonestown Galleria Mall.

People started crowding the front of the mall at about 5:00 a.m. Monday for the chance to buy a t-shirt and get a wristband to meet Robert Pattinson who plays the character of Edward in the "Twilight" movie. That film, based on at least five popular books, is due to open in theaters later this month.

Organizers reportedly cancelled the event because of the crush of fans. Witnesses tell KRON 4's Yoli Aceves the large crowd overwhelmed a list organizers had set up to register fans to meet the actor.