The recap is all here, but Vladimir came home from Malta (yay!) in the middle of the show, so it's a bit briefer than usual.
Crazy Old Lady Jan caresses unconscious Shawn. I cry.
Sami and Lucas bicker about Kate and John's (lack of) guilt. Sami persists in believing that her mother was framed, even though she heard Marlena confess herself.
Belle and John pray over Marlena's bloody, prison-suited body at St. Luke's.
Ghost Marlena tells Celeste that everyone will die--everyone who betrayed Marlena. Ghost Marlena laughs hammily. Commercials.
Belle can't believe she'll never hear her mother's voice or see her smile again. Well, except in flashbacks, which they immediately start playing.
Sami and Lucas. Sami bitters that John is "playing" the "victim" and the "widower." Yeah, because... he is? Hope tries to apologize and Sami starts shrieking. Then John tells Bo and Hope to go, too. John refuses to let the funeral director have Marlena's body, because he is having a psychotic break, clearly. Commercials. There is much screaming. Hope pleads for healing and forgiveness. (Sorry, I had a phone call about this point, got behind on my typing.) Belle asks Sami to help her do "something" for Marlena, but Sami thinks to herself that Marlena would have "wanted" her to get revenge, too.
Marlena possesses Celeste. No, for real. Commercials.
Chez Crazy. Sick, y'all. TAKE OFF THE OLD LADY MAKEUP, JAN! Shawn mutters "Belle" and Crazy Jan goes... well, crazy. AHHHH, WHAT IS SHE DOING WITH THE SCISSORS!
Brady's bar. John and Grandpa Brady down shots. Bo comes in; John tosses his drink in Bo's face. Bo recites the litany of the Dead Thanks to Marlena.
Funeral home. A really... sort of Mephistophelian-lookin' guy unzips the Marlena bag. The lights freak out. Anyone who has ever seen any episode of the X-Files has an idea of what's about to happen. Commercials.
Chez Crazy. Crazy Jan cuts his shirt off. PLEASE TAKE OFF THE OLD LADY MAKEUP, I'M BEGGING YOU.
Brady's bar. Hope tries to break up an imminent fight. Grandpa tells them to remember the good times. The flashbacks comply. The '80s hair and clothes are terrifying.
Funeral home. The "young people" are outside, reports the assistant. "But I'm preparing to exsanguinate," whines the funeral director. Hee! I love him. Sami, Belle, Philip, and Lucas truck in. They want to see her. Dude, you saw her plenty at St. Luke's. Sami takes 15 minutes to stammer that they've brought him an old photo of Marlena and a nice dress. Mr. Mephistopheles says he's got it under control, will do. The girls ask for a moment alone. Again, PLENTY OF TIME IN ST. LUKE'S FOR THAT. Unless Sami's planning to, you know, run away with the body or something. Sami unzips the bag. Marlena is still dead. The X-Files hints were for naught.
Brady's bar. John wants another. Grandpa is hesitant, probably because he wants to make sure that decent liquor won't end up on someone's face again. Enter Celeste. I am seeing weird Ghost-style liaisons between Celeste and John. John snarls at Celeste. Bo leaves to join the cleanup team at the prison (Crystal! Crystal!). Celeste starts telling Hope about her Marlena vision but doesn't quite get around to it. Outside, she mutters to herself that Hope is wrong, it's not over, but she has to do her best to stop... whatever... is going to happen.
Funeral home. Sami weeps. She also declares that there was a Bo-Kate-John conspiracy. Belle: WTF? Sami reminds Belle that Shawn isn't there for her because
a crazy old lady has him tied up in a sex cage Belle told him "one tiny white lie." God, Sami's cynicism makes me tired.
Chez Crazy. JAN, I AM BEGGING YOU. Shawn wakes up: "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON, MRS. B! WHY ARE YOU ON TOP OF ME???" Snerrrrrrrrrk. Commercials.
John drinks. Wedding flashbacks.
Funeral home. The girls don't want to leave. The guys are like, what are y'all, sick? They hug their respective ladies. Celeste wanders in. Sami tells her not to "put a curse on her body or something." Celeste came to make sure Marlena is at peace. Sami asks her to help them contact Marlena. Celeste shuts her down, and tells the kids to all go home. Sami leaves in tears. Celeste takes off her coat and gets down to business to do... what? Drive a stake through Marlena's heart? Commercials.
Chez Crazy. Jan is seriously giving him the freakiest look ever. Shawn is freaking out. Jan: "Maybe this is heaven." She is STILL USING THE OLD LADY VOICE. Shawn: "I DON'T THINK THIS IS HEAVEN." She says something about holding onto his pocket rocket. Ohhh, thank GOD, she took the makeup and the wig off. Shawn: "Jan?!?!" Dude, this is an improvement, I promise you.
Brady's bar. Awww, Brady proposes a toast to Marlena for John's sake. Hope and Grandpa join in. The way John keeps not drinking his shot, I keep wondering if he's got some secret allergy to alcohol like Doc Brown in Back to the Future III or something. But he downs it and doesn't fall out into a coma or anything.
Sami has flashbacks to Marlena visiting her in the hospital for... some reason.
Funeral home. Celeste has lit candles at each corner of the autopsy table. She lights one of those damn freakin' huge angel candles. The wind starts blowing, and Marlena sits up and grabs her hand. Marlena tells Celeste that she wants everyone to realize that everything that has happened--has been a lie.
Previews: Jan is in some purple negligee with a feathered riding crop, THANK GOD. Rex tells John that Marlena isn't dead (what, because "she's always in our hearts," or something?). Not Dead Marlena tells Celeste rather jovially that the worst is yet to come.