@cleolinda: And also, there's booze and Meryl always gets her drink on and no one gives a shit by the end of the night! And that is why I love them.
@cleolinda: I'm just saying, the Golden Globes are intellectually bankrupt but they also don't make us watch interpretive dance.
"Of the song from Crash with trash cans on actual fire and someone slo-mo groping a Thandie Newton double" is what I didn't have room to say. "Of sad serious music from Holocaust movies" would have also been acceptable. Still, even the truncated point stands.
@ebertchicago: Stars love Golden Globes cuz if they lose it means nothing. Also if they win.
That one too.
Welcome to! The 69th Annual! Drinky Oscars! BA DUH DUH BA DUH DUH BAAAAAA.
Ricky Gervais, our famously mean three-time host, in a burgundy suit. Cut to Charlize Theron giving him AN ACTUAL STINKEYE. "Nervous?"
HIGHLIGHTS OF HIS EDGY EDGY MONOLOGUE:
"Britain's biggest comedian! Hosting the world's second biggest awards show! On America's third biggest network."
"The Golden Globes are just like the Oscars, but without all that... esteem."
"Eddie Murphy and Adam Sandler, between them, played all the parts in The Help!"
The British pronunciation of "conTROVersy" is interesting.
Unfolding list of Things What He Shouldn't Do: "And I mustn't mention Mel Gibson this year... his personal life, his movies, his politics... or Jodie Foster's Beaver?" Two thumbs up from Jodie Foster in the audience. I missed the end of this bit, but cut to Elton John making a dour Not Happy face.
There have been celebrity divorces! There are Kardashians! Justin Bieber! Turkey basters! The cast of Bridesmaids researched their raunch with Dame Helen Mirren! The HFPA is corrupt! Ricky Gervais has a new TV show that Johnny Depp deigned to appear on! It's all kind of warm and fuzzy, like he wants to be mean but he wants to make sure we all still like him.
"Welcome! The man who will wear literally anything Tim Burton tells him to! Johnny Depp!" And yet... somehow... Gervais is still up there at the podium. Depp swishes Gervais's glass of liquor around ("It's real"). "Be honest, are you on recreational drugs? Never mind, I don't want to know the answer. Are you ready?" Here's what Gervais really wants to know: "Have you seen The Tourist yet?" "Uh... no." Gervais bounces off stage triumphantly. "Oh.... boy. He's... fun," mutters Depp good-naturedly. He's here to present the Hugo montage!
Please welcome! Here's Gerard Butler's accent and Mila Kunis in meh black, not her usual fierce.
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE
KENNETH BRANAGH – MY WEEK WITH MARILYN
ALBERT BROOKS – DRIVE
JONAH HILL – MONEYBALL
VIGGO MORTENSEN – A DANGEROUS METHOD
CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER – BEGINNERS
Aw, yay, Christopher Plummer! "YEAH!" roars Butler. "What a wonderful welcome back to the home of King Kong, Rin Tin Tin, and all our youthful fantasies," Plummer says, going on to praise his competitors "to whom I must apologize most profusely," and then brings out his Rs to thank "Ewan McGrrregorrr, that scene-stealing swine." Aw.
Please welcome! A stoic Ashton Kutcher and Elle Macpherson for some reason (and in a strange khaki-tinged neutral):
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES - COMEDY OR MUSICAL
LAURA DERN – ENLIGHTENED
ZOOEY DESCHANEL – NEW GIRL ("the cutest damn thing," Kutcher adds)
TINA FEY – 30 ROCK
LAURA LINNEY – THE BIG C
AMY POEHLER – PARKS AND RECREATION
Big cheer for Laura Linney, but Laura Dern, in long sleeved forest green glitter, wins. She thanks her mother, Diane Ladd, in the audience and Owen Wilson (ETA: I am told she thanked LUKE Wilson. SHE THANKED A WILSON) and many many wonderful people and Lucille Ball and anyone who has ever inspired us and man, I am still looking at this green gown. I don't know how I feel about the lighter green v-neck border, but man, if this is the sort of thing you are into, you will be into this sort of thing.
Commercials! TYPE LIKE THE WIND.