Please welcome! Queen Latifah (sparkly one-shoulder black!) with a montage for The Help! And here's Ricky Gervais to reassure my fingers: "Nearly there, nearly there." He is amazed to get paid for this job and I'm kind of amazed too. Also: Colin Firth is surprisingly racist and punches little blind kittens! Firth kicks him in the shin on the way out: "I noticed some very angry religious people outside, promising us brimstone and perdition for our sins... and what they don't realize is, we have Ricky."
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA
GLENN CLOSE – ALBERT NOBBS
VIOLA DAVIS – THE HELP
ROONEY MARA – THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO
MERYL STREEP – THE IRON LADY
TILDA SWINTON – WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT KEVIN
Wow. Swinton's got David Bowie on her head. I don't even know. Winner: MERYL STREEEEEP. AW YEAH GIRL GET YO DRINK ON! It's a standing ovation and you know why? You know why? Because Meryl is the Queen of the Drinky Oscars. "When Ricky Gervais's deal fell through and they came to me, to play Margaret Thatcher..." Also, she is embarrassed to win this, in a year of such great performances (every year is a Year of Such Great Performances). If this were a real awards show, I would agree with her, but--what the hell is going on? The camera is following someone passing George Clooney passing David Fincher a--fork? A fork? Is this happening? WHY DID MY SOUND GO OUT AGAIN? Did Meryl say "shit"? She said "shit," didn't she? Harvey Weinstein, "The Punisher," is her new god ("The Old Testament, I guess"). Somewhere between the sound haphazardly cutting out on my TV she starts gushing over SWINTON and Mia Wasikowska in Jane Eyre so she's double-plus okay by me. They start playing the Sad Orchestrations--"OH NO! NO!!!! We made this film for twenty-five cents in five minutes and I love you, Viola, you're my girl! MWAH."
(Twitter informs me that they were passing Meryl's reading glasses to her. Even more hilariously, I don't know that they ever got there.)
BEST MOTION PICTURE – COMEDY OR MUSICAL
MIDNIGHT IN PARIS
MY WEEK WITH MARILYN
Jane Fonda's saying something. I don't know what. I'm still trying to deal with Meryl, Queen of Drunk. "Formidable!" The Artist wins and that precious dog is up on the stage to accept and there are people as well, no one cares about them.
@cleolinda: That movie will win every award they bring the dog to. DOGGYYYYYY
@stvanairsdale: And there is Uggie. Now I can die. #ConsiderUggie #GoldenGlobes
I'm not sure who in the Artist crew starts making broad violin-playing gestures when the Sad Orchestrations start up, but I kind of love him.
Blah blah Ricky Gervais edgy lol Natalie Portman isn't nominated for anything because she had a baby, somehow this is piercingly insightful blah. Portman (satiny red, strapless) is all like YEAH BITCHES I LOOK HOT THIS YEAR.
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA
GEORGE CLOONEY – THE DESCENDANTS
LEONARDO DICAPRIO – J. EDGAR
MICHAEL FASSBENDER – SHAME
RYAN GOSLING – THE IDES OF MARCH
BRAD PITT – MONEYBALL
Winner: George Clooney! Clooney is happy to be able to tell Brad Pitt that he is doing wonderful work in two movies and in the world this year because this is the only time they're ever going speak all year, obviously. Also, he asks if Michael Fassbender can play golf with his hands tied behind his back. I really want Tina Fey and Jane Lynch to pop up and shout "PENIS JOKE!!" Like, I just want this to happen for always.
PLEASE WELCOME CUTTING THE COMMERCIALS SHORT OH MY GOD WE ARE RUNNING OUT OF TIME Harrison Ford.
BEST MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA
THE IDES OF MARCH
Winner: The Descendants. GIANT DRUNKEN CHEER!! I legit have no idea how the Oscars are going to go this year, so this is kind of an interesting moment. "Uh, we've been told to hurry, so we would like to thank the HFPA for this award and throwing a great party." I kind of wish we'd heard a Streepish WOOOOOO! at that point. The producer goes on to praise George Clooney's career-best performance; Clooney glows tanly, beneficently, in the audience. Then the Sad Orchestrations start playing the director off in the middle of thanking Hawaii. ALL OF IT.
"Thank you! That's it! I hope you enjoyed the goody bags--and the champagne and--the gold, I hope that took your minds off the recession. Good night!" And somewhere, a HFPA poobah is sitting in front of a TV, stunned, bereft, faltering, "But--but--Ricky Gervais was supposed to offend people! Like really actually piss them off! So they would talk about us! Like we mattered!" Aw, pookie. Maybe next year.