(Since people are asking: My senior quote was "Only connect," E.M. Forster.)
Ladies and gentlemen! Judy Greer and [TV SOUND CUTS OUT] [PANICKED RUSH TO TWITTER] [Ed Helms?] [that would definitely explain why he referred to "a day in the life of Ed Helms"]!
Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Drama Series
KATHY BATES / Harriet Korn - “HARRY’S LAW” (NBC)
GLENN CLOSE / Patty Hewes - “DAMAGES” (DirecTV)
JESSICA LANGE / Constance - “AMERICAN HORROR STORY” (FX)
JULIANNA MARGULIES / Alicia Florrick - “THE GOOD WIFE” (CBS)
KYRA SEDGWICK / Dept. Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson - “THE CLOSER” (TNT)
...I don't know what just happened in Jessica Lange's clip, but I'm not so hungry anymore.
Winner: Knife-Wielding Lady Menacing An Apparent Burn Victim! Lange is in fitted glittery--brown? The color of my gravy. ON THE ROAST I NO LONGER WANT TO EAT. What a crazy ride! Thanks to the writers! YES, WRITERS, THANK YOU FOR WHATEVER THE FUCK WAS GOING ON IN THAT CLIP.
Please welcome! Bérénice Bejo, Jean Dujardin, and adorable French accents, with a clip package! I am very sorry I will not hear them when I go see The Artist.
Ladies and gentlemen! Tina Fey in black with a silver chest swoop and John Krasinski! Fey informs us that "fourth-hour host of the Today show" Kathie Lee Gifford once said that if drag queens like you, you'll go far, because "they know phony, and they know REAL"! Seems logically sound to me.
Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Drama Series
PATRICK J. ADAMS / Mike Ross - “SUITS” (USA)
STEVE BUSCEMI / Enoch “Nucky” Thompson - “BOARDWALK EMPIRE” (HBO)
KYLE CHANDLER / Eric Taylor - “FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS” (DirecTV)
BRYAN CRANSTON / Walter White - “BREAKING BAD” (AMC)
MICHAEL C. HALL / Dexter Morgan - “DEXTER” (Showtime)
Winner: Steve Buscemi. "I have to thank our executive producer, Martin Scorsese!" Fey, still on stage, chugs a wine glass and sets it, empty, on the podium. Man, what do you get to do if Scorsese himself steps on stage?
I DON'T KNOW BUT HERE'S MERYL STREEP QUEEN OF DRUNK SO MAYBE WE GET TO FIND OUT!
Oh. She's here with the Death March of Deathly Death. Awkward.
In memoriam: Susannah York, G.D. Spradlin, James Arness, Jane Russell, Bubba Smith, Frances Bay, Kenneth Mars, Sada Thompson, William Duell, Michael Tolan, Dolores Hope, John Dye, Peter Falk, Cliff Robertson, Betty Garrett, Farley Granger, Andy Whitfield, John Wood, Diane Cilento, Robert Easton, Roberts Blossom, Francesco Quinn, Mary Fickett, Michael Sarrazin, Marian Mercer, Charles Napier, Clarice Taylor, Jackie Cooper, Michael Gough, Maria Schneider, John Neville, Doris Belack, Dana Wynter, Len Lesser, Charlie Callas, Harry Morgan, Elizabeth Taylor.
You know, I had genuinely thought they had just cut the sound on the audience, because they managed to not clap through the whole thing, and then--applause for Elizabeth Taylor at the end. We were so close to classy, y'all. Well, I guess I'll give it to you.