Man, this show is so strange.
All right, coming in a bit late. Everyone's at Brady's Bar. Grandpa fixes everyone takeout leftovers ("Chili? Irish stew?"). Hope is concerned that no one's seen Shawn. Rex goes off to speak with John in private...? Philip takes Belle home, and she has no messages from Shawn. Belle freaks. Philip suggests that Shawn is "tied up" somewhere.
Editing of Irony, Chez Crazy. Jan pulls off her old lady costume (thank you, Jesus) and tosses her hair sixteen times. Shawn freaks out. His cell phone rings but she won't let him have it. Also, she crazy.
Rex and John. "Your wife is not dead!" Sure.
Funeral home. "Everything that's happened, it's all a LIE!" quoth Marlena. Celeste prays to be delivered from Undead Marlena. "Maybe I'm not dead after all," smirks Marlena. Commercials.
My computer crashes. Fnarrr.
Brady's. Hope tries to call Shawn, but no dice. Mimi recaps for us that Belle saw the whole thing (Marlena's death and last words) on TV.
John freaks out. Rex: "Look, what I meant was, she's still alive in our hearts." I TOLD YOU. He tells John that a lot of people loved her and still loved her. John bitters at him and leaves.
Funeral home. Marlena tells Celeste that whatever she did (accidentally?) "resurrected" Marlena. Marlena says a bunch of really confusing things about how everyone in Salem is going to die and Celeste is going to avenge her death. Or something. Whatever. Commercials.
Belle: Shawn Shawn Shawn Shawn Shawn. Philip tries to massage her.
Chez Crazy. Crazy Jan stands there in front of Shawn in her old lady blouse and skirt and can't figure out why Shawn isn't thrilled to bits to see her. Sigh. She tells Shawn that his One True Love OMG has rescued him from "that whiny virgin Belle," who pushed Jan down the stairs and caused her to loose Their Precious Shawn Jr. Shawn: "No, no, no--!" I love the incredulous tone he has going on, by the way. He sets the record straight for those of us just joining the show: Crazy Jan was raped by some guy named Mendes (Mendez?) and fell down the stairs, and Belle had nothing to do with it, and it wasn't even Shawn's baby, and OMG SHE CRAZY. Jan yells at him a while and then rips off her old lady clothes to reveal a bright purple negligee. WHP-CHAAA! Commercials.
Bo tells Hope not to worry because Shawn is on the open road, and clearly Bo has never watched a soap before. Changing the subject, Hope asks how much more one man (John) can take. Bo mutters that Marlena is better off dead after everything she's done.
Editing of Irony, funeral home. Celeste recaps Marlena's death, since clearly Marlena doesn't remember how she died. Rrright. Marlena has chosen Celeste to continue "her reign of terror," because "the evil lives on." John's at the funeral home and overhears the two of them talking. He busts in: "My God!" Commercials.
Apartment of Massage. Belle says that Philip is such a good friend. Twist the knife, Belle. She natters on neurotically about Shawn "avoiding her." Enter Mimi and Rex, who has a brilliant idea as to how to find Shawn... that we will find out about later.
Chez Crazy. Handcuffed Shawn elbows Crazy Jan off, but decides to humor her a teensy bit ("Uh... see... this is just... such a surprise... you see"), and Crazy Jan reveals that she's been following him for months. She also admits that she was the one Marlena stabbed in his bed. Crazy Jan then utters the sentence, "My father was so worried about me after Belle caused me to lose my love child." I'm so busy guffawing that I miss what she says next--something about her parents dying in Europe and having to share the same something. The same gurney? I'm not sure. And she inherited a lot of money. And they are going to live in this house, in this cage, FOREVER. Shawn: "I CAN'T LET YOU DO THIS!" Commercials.
Brady house. Bo apparently left, bought flowers for Hope, and came back. Hope is moping over an old photo album. I love Hope's reaction: "Wh--? Fl--? Flowers?" Apparently he stole them from City Hall. At least he didn't steal them off a grave. They reminisce about some previous bouquet of flowers. I can't tell if he planted them in or stole them from Gram's yard, because they're muttering. I'm so glad the Bo Is An Asshole storyline is on the wane.
Funeral home. I can't tell if John saw Marlena or not, but she's lying cold on the table now. He helps Fainting Celeste to a chair and gets her some water, and tells Celeste that he heard Marlena's voice. Celeste tells him that it's true, and that Marlena is "still alive." See, that's not exactly true. He takes Marlena's hand but she's cold as a fish. Celeste proposes the idea of a "deep coma." Except for the part where she was talking to Celeste, and now she's not. Mr. Mephistopheles busts in and wants to know what the hell is going on. John asks him to prove that Marlena's not dead, so Mr. Mephistopheles picks up a scalpel--and stabs Marlena with it. BWAH. The look of stricken horror on John's face is priceless. Hell, I think his eyebrows fainted dead away. Commercials.
Apartment of Massage. Rex has developed a mini-tracking chip that he put in Shawn's leather jacket. What? It's from the days people thought Rex was the killer or something. Rex divines that Shawn is still "somewhere in or around Salem."
Chez Crazy. "I can't believe you're upset with me!" cries Crazy Jan. "I'm.... sorry?" says Shawn. I love this. "I guess there are a few things I need to do...? Before I DEDICATE MY LIFE TO YOU?" Shawn asks her to think about Belle ("BELLE?"), because she needs comforting the way Jan needed comforting when she lost her baby ("OUR BABY!" "Yes! Our baby! Whatever!"). He "promises" to "return" to "Jan." Crazy Jan is crazy, but she ain't stupid. No dice.
Funeral home. "What the hell?" cries John. "Well, she sure as hell's dead now!" Yeah, because a little scalpel stab would do it. Mr. Mephistopheles insists that she was already dead anyway, so piss off. Celeste begs the universe for a sign that Marlena is still alive. Commercials.
Brady House of Afterglow. There's a fire in the fireplace... in May... and Naked Hope remembers Celeste's prophecy that she "is very happy... but Bo is not in the picture." Bo insists that they have nothing to worry about. In Soap Speak, that means they totally, totally do.
Tracking Chips 'R' Us. Rex loses the signal. Belle freaks out.
Chez Crazy. Shawn snips at Crazy Jan to stop it and get off him. He insists that Belle is the only woman he has ever loved and that she did not "brainwash" him. This is not good. Crazy Jan bitches at some kewpie voodoo doll that the doll promised her it would go better than this. Kewpie Voodoo Doll advises her to be patient. I am so not making this up, I can't even tell you. Crazy Jan tells Shawn that she's gonna have to break out the tough love. Shawn's all like, whatever. She returns to the Kewpie Voodoo Doll ("You can do it, Jan!"). She jumps on Shawn again and promises that she has big surprises for him.
Funeral home. Celeste and her giant candles try to comfort John. She says that she must have been dreaming. Or something. John: *tear.* Marlena: *breathes, moves pinky.*
Previews: Philip says that Shawn doesn't deserve Belle. John tells Brady he thought he heard Marlena. Nicole returns to visit Crystal. Jan and Handcuffed Shawn bicker some more.