LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! MORGAN FREEMAN! He tells us that there is one constant that is true for all generations, and I am assuming it has to do with Billy Crystal running through ALL the footage. There is an Artist-esque Frankenstein-esque "Host! Host I tell you!" "NO!" bit, and then Billy Crystal is put into The Descendants so George Clooney can kiss him. "You have to do it, Billy," Clooney says, "they got the youngest, hippest writers in town." Cut to Jonah Hill and the ancient Moneyball scouts. Also, Justin Bieber. "I'm here to get you the 18 to 24 demographic! So... how long do you want me to stand here for?" "Couple of seconds should do it." "Okay." "Okay." "..." "..." And then something about Undead Sammy Davis Jr. in the back of Bieber's limo. OH CHRIST, THAT'S ACTUALLY CRYSTAL IN BLACKFACE, ISN'T IT? OH MY GOD. And then-then, shit pie from The Help. Going straight from there to That Scene in Bridesmaids is kind of horribly genius, actually. And then there is something about Hugo and Tom Cruise from Mission: Impossible, and... then Tintin: Adventure Through the Uncanny Valley, and I think I ate too many Tagalongs. Seriously, I'm gonna hworf.
Hello! We survived! Meryl Streep looks like a golden disco ball and this is pleasing. "Thank you! That was extremely loud and incredibly close! That's how my relatives are watching this show." Oy. I'm not sure why we're making fun of James Earl Jones' pronunciation of "baseball" for five minutes, but sure. And then we go into The Inevitable Song, which is completely unbloggable, sorry. We pick on Jean Dujardin first, and go into a "Mr. Ed"-themed War Horse tribute, and then mocking Jonah Hill's weight and promising him cupcakes afterwards, and a Scorsese serenade out in the audience to the tune of "That's Amore." I'm sorry, I'm still stuck on the blackface. That's a thing that happened, you guys. I seriously just give up on even trying to transcribe this.
@EveryTweet_Ever: MAKE IT STOP MAKE THIS OPENING SONG STOP #OSCARS
Gigantic applause from the audience! OH GOD TOM HANKS, USE YOUR BEARD TO SAVE US! He introduces us to Karl the Celebrity Seat Filler, who has been filling seats for the last 165 years, and is currently in a powder-blue tux filling the seat of Jennifer Lopez! ("He's not really a seat-filler, he's just a guy. But nonetheless.")
"The Artist" Guillaume Schiffman
"The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" Jeff Cronenweth
"Hugo" Robert Richardson
"The Tree of Life" Emmanuel Lubezki
"War Horse" Janusz Kaminski
AND THE OSCAR GOES TO Hugo, no hesitation, possibly because we've got to make up for all the time that the blackface ate up. "I can't believe somebody put cinematography up first," says a very handsome gentleman with a mane of white hair (what? shut up). Cut to Michelle Williams (strapless red) looking nervous in the audience? I don't know.
Production Design: Laurence Bennett; Set Decoration: Robert Gould
"Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2"
Production Design: Stuart Craig; Set Decoration: Stephenie McMillan
Production Design: Dante Ferretti; Set Decoration: Francesca Lo Schiavo
"Midnight in Paris"
Production Design: Anne Seibel; Set Decoration: Hélène Dubreuil
Production Design: Rick Carter; Set Decoration: Lee Sandales
AND THE OSCAR GOES TO Hugo hurry it up hurry it up we're already fifteen minutes in MAKE IT RAIN LITTLE GOLD MEN, HANKS! Lo Schiavo is in an amazing sparkly strapless gown, btw. She might legit be one of the best-dressed women here. Also: I love Dante Ferretti but I can't understand a word he's saying, other than "Grazie, grazie, grazie, Martin Scorsese." Lo Schiavo dedicates her statuette TO ITALY!! and... there's a tropical-sounding drum combo in the balcony?
@SmartBitches: I think that was Sheila E playing the drums. I think it is 1985.
I need a drink. You can put an umbrella in it if you want.