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Please close the door and switch on the fun without fail.

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Oscar liveblog #1
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Well, if I die tonight, I'll die eating Tagalongs.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! MORGAN FREEMAN! He tells us that there is one constant that is true for all generations, and I am assuming it has to do with Billy Crystal running through ALL the footage. There is an Artist-esque Frankenstein-esque "Host! Host I tell you!" "NO!" bit, and then Billy Crystal is put into The Descendants so George Clooney can kiss him. "You have to do it, Billy," Clooney says, "they got the youngest, hippest writers in town." Cut to Jonah Hill and the ancient Moneyball scouts. Also, Justin Bieber. "I'm here to get you the 18 to 24 demographic! So... how long do you want me to stand here for?" "Couple of seconds should do it." "Okay." "Okay." "..." "..." And then something about Undead Sammy Davis Jr. in the back of Bieber's limo. OH CHRIST, THAT'S ACTUALLY CRYSTAL IN BLACKFACE, ISN'T IT? OH MY GOD. And then-then, shit pie from The Help. Going straight from there to That Scene in Bridesmaids is kind of horribly genius, actually. And then there is something about Hugo and Tom Cruise from Mission: Impossible, and... then Tintin: Adventure Through the Uncanny Valley, and I think I ate too many Tagalongs. Seriously, I'm gonna hworf.

Hello! We survived! Meryl Streep looks like a golden disco ball and this is pleasing. "Thank you! That was extremely loud and incredibly close! That's how my relatives are watching this show." Oy. I'm not sure why we're making fun of James Earl Jones' pronunciation of "baseball" for five minutes, but sure. And then we go into The Inevitable Song, which is completely unbloggable, sorry. We pick on Jean Dujardin first, and go into a "Mr. Ed"-themed War Horse tribute, and then mocking Jonah Hill's weight and promising him cupcakes afterwards, and a Scorsese serenade out in the audience to the tune of "That's Amore." I'm sorry, I'm still stuck on the blackface. That's a thing that happened, you guys. I seriously just give up on even trying to transcribe this.


Gigantic applause from the audience! OH GOD TOM HANKS, USE YOUR BEARD TO SAVE US! He introduces us to Karl the Celebrity Seat Filler, who has been filling seats for the last 165 years, and is currently in a powder-blue tux filling the seat of Jennifer Lopez! ("He's not really a seat-filler, he's just a guy. But nonetheless.")


    "The Artist" Guillaume Schiffman
    "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" Jeff Cronenweth
    "Hugo" Robert Richardson
    "The Tree of Life" Emmanuel Lubezki
    "War Horse" Janusz Kaminski

AND THE OSCAR GOES TO Hugo, no hesitation, possibly because we've got to make up for all the time that the blackface ate up. "I can't believe somebody put cinematography up first," says a very handsome gentleman with a mane of white hair (what? shut up). Cut to Michelle Williams (strapless red) looking nervous in the audience? I don't know.

Art Direction

    "The Artist"
    Production Design: Laurence Bennett; Set Decoration: Robert Gould
    "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2"
    Production Design: Stuart Craig; Set Decoration: Stephenie McMillan
    Production Design: Dante Ferretti; Set Decoration: Francesca Lo Schiavo
    "Midnight in Paris"
    Production Design: Anne Seibel; Set Decoration: Hélène Dubreuil
    "War Horse"
    Production Design: Rick Carter; Set Decoration: Lee Sandales

AND THE OSCAR GOES TO Hugo hurry it up hurry it up we're already fifteen minutes in MAKE IT RAIN LITTLE GOLD MEN, HANKS! Lo Schiavo is in an amazing sparkly strapless gown, btw. She might legit be one of the best-dressed women here. Also: I love Dante Ferretti but I can't understand a word he's saying, other than "Grazie, grazie, grazie, Martin Scorsese." Lo Schiavo dedicates her statuette TO ITALY!! and... there's a tropical-sounding drum combo in the balcony?

@SmartBitches: I think that was Sheila E playing the drums. I think it is 1985.

I need a drink. You can put an umbrella in it if you want.

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It's almost too painful to read, and must be excruciating to watch.

According to my mom the blackface thing was an old SNL skit of his, which totally does not make it okay, but I guess they were thinking that harkening back to a time when it was okay would make it acceptable?

I honestly did not recognize him!

I guess what kind of amazed me is that it's not like he picked a celebrity that was relevant to the situation or made any sense within it. Like, if you're going to do blackface, you better have something damn good to say with it.

Seriously, I was like "Oh, self-referential Bieber joke, oka-- is that seriously Billy Crystal in blackface???

Well, I'm glad I'm not missing anything of importance...


Edited at 2012-02-27 01:57 am (UTC)

*raises hand* *grumble grumble grumble*

I'm done. They lost me with the blackface. Benedict probably found out about that and Sacha and the fucking montage with Twilight next to Titanic (THAT'S NOT EVEN ALPHABETICAL) and decided to fuck that noise and take a nap after getting beat up by Spock.

I'm just gonna wait for all the proper photoshoots from tomorrow to show up on tumblr and enjoy them with my morning coffee at my leisure. I SAT THROUGH THREE AND A HALF FUCKING HOURS OF PRESHOW GODDAMMIT.

*runs off to look at the pictures of the epic showdown between Benedict and Zachary again*

Blackface. What?! The Frankenstein-esque part was pretty funny though. And the song about Hugo and Marty.

Still, blackface? And now I don't want to see The Help. *hurl*

Aand Potter snub #1. I want to punch them all.

I'm highly annoyed they didn't have Benedict on the red carpet. What's up with that. And it's puzzling that none of the photo websites have any pictures of him either. Is he even really there?

See above for my headcanon regarding the lack of Benedict. >(


Potter got SO robbed for make up!

and with the iron Lady???

Potter did Olde people make up AND realistic goblins, giansts, etc


Yeah, I still haven't processed the blackface :/

My main point of sadness about moving from the US to Canada is how much I miss Tagalongs, ngl.

Sheila E was the other best thing abou tthe oscars, bringing it up to 4 best things.

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