Crystal: "I've never had any of those feelings." He also confirms that that was Esperanza Spalding, who I am also told beat Bieber for Best New Artist at the Grammys. Excellent.
Please welcome! Natalie Portman in a strapless red ballgown to the strains of Swan Lake! Ahhh, we're doing the individual tongue baths this year as well as clips.
Actor in a Leading Role
Demián Bichir in "A Better Life"
George Clooney in "The Descendants"
Jean Dujardin in "The Artist"
Gary Oldman in "Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy"
Brad Pitt in "Moneyball"
Is it true that Jean Dujardin is "the French George Clooney"? Because that just makes this even more entertaining. Although even Portman's like, "Seriously, we are all shocked they never nominated Gary Oldman for anything before, wtf is that about." (And now I'm having hazy memories of The Professional.)
@BillCorbett: Natalie P's testimonials have all the theatrical shine of an Omaha Knights of Columbus awards banquet.
They really kind of do. Winner: Dujardin, who is "well-known and celebrated in his native France." "Thank you! OUAIS! I love your country. It's funny because in 1929 it was Douglas Fairbanks, not Billy Crystal, who hosted the first Oscars. Tickets were five dollars, and the show lasted fifty minutes. TIMES HAVE CHANGED." YEAH THEY HAVE. "If George Valentin could speak, he would say [YELLING IN FRENCH, I HEARD THE WORD FORMIDABLE]!"
Crystal: "They must be going nuts in France right now. Or whatever the French have in place of joy."
Please welcome! Last year's Best Actor, Colin Firth! There are worse people you could get a tongue-bath from.
Actress in a Leading Role
Glenn Close in "Albert Nobbs"
Viola Davis in "The Help"
Rooney Mara in "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo"
Meryl Streep in "The Iron Lady"
Michelle Williams in "My Week with Marilyn"
He stammers over "life--double life" in Close's intro, but Colin Firth stammering at this point is just his specialty. "Meryl. Mamma Mia. We were in Greece, I was gay and we were happy; I probably fathered your only daughter." Wait, Colin Firth did a movie with Michelle Williams? Winner: OH SHIT YOU GUYS OH SHIT MERYL STREEP WON OH MY GOD YOU GUYS VIOLA DAVIS LOST OH MY GOD RIOTS IN THE STREETS and people screaming YEAHHHHH in the audience, I have never heard yelling like this. "Oh COME ON! COME ON!!" She adds, "I can hear half of America going, OH COME ON, COME ON, WHY HER. AGAIN. Whatever." She makes sure to thank her beloved husband first and it's really sweet and I love her to death but holy shit, you guys, Viola Davis.
@christylemire: Hey whaddaya know, a surprise! The whole press room gasped. #Meryl #Oscars
Usually Meryl thanks her fellow nominees; I don't even know if she did, I was too busy freaking the fuck out. Like, it's obvious in hindsight, but my God, people wanted Viola Davis to get it so bad. Please welcome! Tom Cruise, a man who has been making the impossible possible since he was nineteen years old or whatever the fuck MERYL STREEP WON FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE THE LAST TIME FIVE HUNDRED YEARS AGO IN CASE YOU DIDN'T HEAR. Holy fuck. I don't even know.
"The Artist" Thomas Langmann, Producer
"The Descendants" Jim Burke, Alexander Payne and Jim Taylor, Producers
"Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close" Scott Rudin, Producer
"The Help" Brunson Green, Chris Columbus and Michael Barnathan, Producers
"Hugo" Graham King and Martin Scorsese, Producers
"Midnight in Paris" Letty Aronson and Stephen Tenenbaum, Producers
"Moneyball" Michael De Luca, Rachael Horovitz and Brad Pitt, Producers
"The Tree of Life" Sarah Green, Bill Pohlad, Dede Gardner and Grant Hill, Producers
"War Horse" Steven Spielberg and Kathleen Kennedy, Producers
There is some actual audience WOOOOOing going on at each title, you guys. Are these real legit Drinky Oscars? GET YO DRINK ON GIRL! Winner: The Artist. THE WORLD IS BACK ON TRACK. Also, they brought the dog onstage. Apparently it is six in the morning in Paris and the winners' kids should "go to bed in thirty seconds." SO SHOULD WE.
@cracked: I liked the artist. I'm going to go eat 4 grilled cheeses. Goodnight.
Bon soir, tout le monde.