One of the funniest shows I have seen all year. For serious. I'm not even sure I can do justice to it.
Belle has a Sad Belle and Shawn flashback. I could care less... but it would be hard.
Love Cage. Shawn makes the mistake of telling Crazy Jan that he has to get back to Belle and that he loves Belle. Crazy Jan threatens to hurt him if he's a "bad boy."
Chez Kiriakis. Nicole is asleep with an empty champagne glass in her hand, muttering, "Kill Marlena... shoot her..." Of course Brady walks in.
Funeral home. John says that something inside just can't let go of Marlena. Celeste recaps the "you heard me speaking to Marlena in what must have been a waking dream I was having" bit. Marlena moves her pinky. "Oh my God, it's true!" John's eyebrows start freaking out. Commercials.
Belle and Shawn whine on the roof. In the rain. It's all very Hemingway.
Love Cage. Shawn tries to show Crazy Jan that being handcuffed in a metal cage is CRAZY. Crazy Jan keeps insisting that Belle pushed her down the stairs (didn't) and that the baby was Shawn's (wasn't). She keeps shrieking, "Belle hurt ME!" Crazy Jan insists that Shawn is lying and that Belle is a liar, bringing up the whole Belle Lied for Marlena bit. Shawn recaps that yes, it was Jan who was stalking him and Belle the entire time. Shawn realizes that someone had to have helped Jan build the cage and tries to get a name out of her.
Editing of Irony, Chez Kiriakis. Nicole distracts Brady from her mutterings by telling him that Marlena was shot dead on Bo's order. Brady has somehow missed this. "Are you sure there's no chance that she could still be alive?"
Editing of Irony, funeral home. "It's true... that she's gone." John kisses her dead
for now hand. He pulls the scalpel out of her body right as Mr. Mephistopheles comes back in; he apologizes for the display. I really like him. He wants to know what funeral directors do--they're going to drain the blood, replace it with embalming fluid, etc. He promises to treat Marlena's remains with respect. John: "You're not gonna touch her!" We are going to be here all month, people. Commercials.
We come back. John angsts over her body. Their love is eternal. Etc. Finally, he leaves.
Chez Kiriakis. Brady and Nicole argue. Brady points out that Nicole was so upset that she was drinking... champagne. HA!
Roof of Angst. Belle's promise ring is washing down the drain, or something. I don't know. Philip's all like, it's up to Shawn now to come back to you. Belle cries.
Chez Crazy. Jan says that she and Kewpie Voodoo Doll made the cage all by themselves. (BZZT!) Shawn tells Jan that she'll go to jail when he gets out of here. Oh, good, Shawn. That'll get you out. Crazy Jan crazies about how she and Shawn will live in the Love Cage forever and get married. I'm sure Kewpie Voodoo Doll will officiate. Commercials.
We're back. Shawn: "I am not. going. to marry you." Crazy Jan's fantasy: Shawn is handcuffed, shirtless, to the Love Cage bed... with a bowtie around his neck. Jan is in a white robe and a garland of flowers. "With this ring, I thee wed. With this ring, you me wed." She pronounces them married. Imaginary Shawn smirks and asks to cut straight to the honeymoon. Oh, look! Here's their baby! "Would you like to hold her?" Shawn waves a handcuffed hand. "Oh, sorry." She brings Kewpie Voodoo Doll up to his face for a kiss. I would tell you what else happens, but I'm laugh-crying too hard.
Chez Kiriakis. John has teleported over to tell Brady the news. Nicole offers her condolences... and a drink. She suggests that this was the best way for Marlena to go. John sputters. Shouting breaks out.
Darkly wooded park. Celeste has gone for a stroll. Smart one, she is. She flashes back to Undead Marlena's whole "EVERYONE WILL SUFFER" speech: everyone in Salem will die. Promise?
Funeral home. Mr. Mephistopheles has Marlena naked under a sheet and is about to proceed to the exsanguination. ExssssaaaanguiNATION! I really like that word. Marlena opens her eyes. DUN DUN DUN! Commercials.
Darkly wooded park. Celeste mutters that Marlena is dead and she's tired. SO GO HOME AND STOP SITTING IN THE PARK!
Funeral home. Yay tubes of blood and embalming fluid. Mr. Mephistopheles pulls out a banana and sits down to snack and quotes some bit of poetry about hour to hour riping and riping and then rotting and rotting. I am so not making this up. People! Shakespeare and soaps are two great tastes that do not taste great together.
Belle's apartment. Philip is shower-fresh. Belle hugs him. JUST DOOOOO IT.
Chez Crazy. Jan crazies. Shawn insists that he has to get back to Belle. "What part of NEVER don't you understand?" snaps Jan.
Chez Kiriakis. Brady breaks up a nice little fight between John and Nicole. Exit Brady and John. Phone: Crystal! It's Crystal! Hey, guys, it's Crystal! Hi, Crystal! Crystal wants out of the pen.
Funeral home. Mr. Mephistopheles FINALLY wipes that smudge of blood off Marlena's forehead. We see closeups of him making up her face. (Because, clearly, this funeral home only has one employee.)
Chez Kiriakis. Crystal basically says, pony up the money or the cops'll be interested to know that someone had Marlena set up. Nicole frets because Brady is monitoring her account and she can't withdraw a lot of money. (Well, someone should have thought about that before she took out a hit, now, shouldn't she?)
Chez Crazy. Nicole calls. Shawn starts screaming "HELP! HELP! I'M SHAWN BRADY! SHE'S HOLDING ME CAPTIVE!" Nicole: "Oh my GOD, is that Shawn Brady?" Thank you, Captain Obvious. Commercials.
Apartment of Shower Freshness. Philip offers to sing Belle a lullaby. Philip, the desperation radiating off you is getting a bit strong.
Chez Crazy. Shawn: "I AM BEING HELD AGAINST MY WILL! PLEASE SEND THE COPS!" Nicole: "Girl, I gotta hand it to you. You are nuttier than a fruitcake, but you get the job done." Shawn, in the background: "SHE IS HOLDING ME CAPTIVE! PLEASE CALL THE SALEM POLICE DEPARTMENT!" Really, we're on a totally different scene now and I'm still capping this one because I'm crying so hard. Anyway. Nicole wants Jan to bail Crystal out of jail.
Another darkly wooded park. Brady pooh-poohs Celeste's "mumbo jumbo" and the possibility of her actually having spoken to Marlena.
Other side of the darkly wooded park. Freshly made-up and pantsuited Marlena appears to Celeste and asks her if she's forgotten what Marlena told her. Commercials.
Chez Crazy/Chez Kiriakis. That's right! Jan's rich! I forgot. Nicole bullies Jan into bailing out Crystal. Hanging up the phone: "Wow, what a loony tune." Jan says that she has to leave and she is so sorry, she'll be right back. I'm not quite sure how this starts, but she and Shawn end up shrieking at each other:
Crazy Jan: "LA LA LA LA LA!"
Crazy Jan: "LA LA LA LA LA!"
Belle's apartment. Philip and Belle schmoop.
Darkly wooded park. Celeste runs shrieking from Marlena and runs into John and Brady, wailing that Marlena is alive and going to kill them all. John: DUN DUN DUN!
Previews: Sami: "OMG WE CAN'T BURY MOM SHE'S STILL ALIVE!" Belle: *angst*. Shawn: "Take off these chains and we'll really be together forever." Hope and Belle: "What do you mean, you haven't heard from Shawn either?"