Here's how awesome heinous_bitca is: I now have Photoshop. It took me an hour to figure out how to do text. BUT STILL.
(Seriously, is there some sort of Photoshop for Dummies out there? I keep trying to read the Help file, but it reads like stereo instructions.)
ETA: So basically, I'm not an idiot? It really is that hard to maneuver? (Thanks for all the suggestions, btw. I'll definitely check out icon_tutorial.)