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Sami, Lucas, funeral, denial. Philip, Belle, open grave, angst. Marlena will be buried under a headstone shared by Roman. Belle angsts some more. Philip sucks up to her. Belle: Shawn, Shawn, Shawn. Shawn: *tugs at his handcuffs.* Crazy Jan comes in dressed like June Cleaver with breakfast. Shawn kicks breakfast over. Nicole wants to go to the funeral (is that a new haircut?).
Church of the Undead Serial Killer. John strokes Marlena's face. In comes Father Tim Who I Like. Hope asks how long John's been there. Father Tim: "Since dawn." Their love is eternal. Etc.
Cemetery. Wow, Celeste, that dress is totally inappropriate, babe. I mean, I thought Nicole was busting out the cocktail dresses. (Will link to pictures when available.) Commercials.
Cemetery. Belle angsts about a future without Shawn AND Marlena. Philip is a hell of a lot more patient than I would have been ("Cleo! Cleo! Why are you pushing me into an open--CLEO!"). Belle ends up shrieking at Philip. Philip does not end up backhanding her. Philip huffs that while Belle appreciates him, she'd rather have Shawn. WELL, YES.
Chez Crazy. Seriously, where do you get June Cleaver outfits like this? I mean, little pearl necklaces and everything. (Insert your own joke about pearl necklaces here, etc.) Shawn apologizes ("PLEASE do not SAY the B WORD"), because he is not entirely stupid. He tries to reach for the keys while she isn't looking. (Of course, he won't be able to use them with his hands locked up.) "C'mere, baby," he smarms. "I wanna hold you in my arms. Let me out of these chains so I can totally make a run for it--I mean, uh..."
Cemetery. Sami bitters. "Why does everyone I love have to die?" Because you're on a soap, honey. The sooner you grasp this fact, the happier we'll all be. Will and Kate show up, forcing Sami to temporarily pull her shit together.
Church of the Undead Serial Killer. Hope tries to console John and his grieving eyebrows. He compliments the funeral home on the makeup job: "It's almost like she could... sit up... at any second." Let me put it this way: I just found out what the big twist is going to be yesterday, and I swear to God, I can't sit through this sap with a straight face. Anyway. John angsts to Hope about the Celeste-Marlena conversation. Enter Weepy Belle.
Inappropriately Dressed Celeste hears Marlena whispering on the wind, "Don't let them take me! It's not my time to go!" Commercials.
Chez Kiriakis. Nicole shoos Brady off "to that funeral where you didn't want me in the first place. This could take a while." CRYSTAL! There's a poster behind Crystal at the jail that I want badly: "ATTACK OF THE SEVEN-FOOT SEXPOT." Crystal hangs up on Nicole after threatening to talk if she isn't bailed out toute suite. "Why can't I ever find A USEFUL ACCOMPLICE!" bitches Nicole.
Chez Crazy. Shawn turns on the charm: "Let me be here for you, Jan. Let me love you." "Oh, yes, Shawn!" cries Crazy June. Really, they shoot this poor girl from the most unflattering angles. Like, square on the ass.
Church of the Undead Serial Killer. Kate berates Philip for not moving on Belle fast enough. Sami shrieks at Hope to leave. Then she starts blaming Bo/John/Kate again. "MY MOTHER IS DEAD BECAUSE OF YOU!," so on and so forth. Sigh. Commercials.
Chez Crazy. "What's wrong, Shawn? I thought you said you wanted me?" Shawn: "Oh, I do, I do. But I don't want it to be like this. We should talk all day, we should watch movies and cuddle..." "Oh, yes! Like that movie Fatal Attraction!" Really, I'm not making this up. He's persuaded her to unlock him when the doorbell rings. Aw, damn.
Church of the Undead Serial Killer. Brady and Kate grouse about how Sami makes the funeral all about her. Bo calls Hope with word that
Crystal someone has more info about Marlena's death. Sami sobs at Marlena's casket. "Please don't leave me, Mom!" Really, Sami, she's dead. You don't want her to hang around now. But Celeste bursts in and says, "I'm here, Marlena! I won't let them bury you!" Commercials.
Chez Crazy. The doorbell all but rings off the doorframe. Shawn starts shouting for help again (way to blow your cover, man). Nicole asks for "what she came for" (bail money for Crystal), but Crazy June looks at her like she's crazy. Like she's crazy.
Church of the Undead Serial Killer. God bless John: "You hear dead people, Celeste. That's what you do. Shouldn't you be used to it by now?" Aww, poor John, he spent half the night in the park looking for Marlena after Celeste "saw" her. John gently but firmly tells Celeste that they're going to bury Marlena, and that's that. He's gotten much more of a grip since the last show, I tell you what. Oh, wait--then he kneels down at the casket and asks Marlena if he did the right thing. I take it back.
Hope mentions that Kate must have mixed feelings. Kate recaps how Marlena took Roman away from her on their wedding night, and Marlena was her best friend, but John's also her friend, and she is totally going to hook up with him later. Wait, scratch that last part.
Belle's phone rings. Wrong number.
In Celeste's head: "DON'T LET THEM BURY ME! IT'S NOT MY TIME!" Commercials.
Chez Crazy. The chicka-chicka music of suspense. Shawn struggles with his handcuffs. Nicole threatens to tell Shawn that Jan "crispy-fried" his grandpa. Jan sees her point, but reveals that... she has no money.
Church of the Undead Serial Killer. John gets up to eulogize Marlena. Sami pouts in the pew. Marlena: "DON'T LET THEM BURRRRYYYY MEEEEE!" Commercials.
Chez Crazy. Jan clarifies that she just doesn't have the money on her. Well, yes.
Church of the Undead Serial Killer. Belle's eulogy. Best mother, best person, best friend. Wah. Hope's eulogy. Hope expresses regret as a member of the Salem PD. Sami's eulogy (ohhh, man, here we go). Oh, God, she starts talking about how she let Marlena down by not stopping John from "killing" Marlena, and she will make sure that John and Kate and Bo and Hope pay "for what they've done to you." Commercials.
Chez Crazy. Shawn struggles with the headboard. Crazy Jan hears him break something and leaves Nicole in the...whatever room. The whole house looks like a damn parlor, I don't know.
Cemetery. Father Tim reads somber things over the open grave. Everyone touches or places flowers on the casket. Sami forgot to put Will's little white teddy bear in the casket. She asks Lucas how she's supposed to live without Marlena. She says she isn't ready to say goodbye, and needs a few more minutes. Belle thanks Brady for saying nice things about her mom, although... I don't recall seeing Brady say anything. Hope hugs John and Belle. Hope reveals that no one's heard from Shawn, and she promises Belle that they'll track him down. Sami asks Mr. Mephistopheles for another minute with the casket. As Sami wibbles over the casket, Celeste stands behind her and hears that weird flock of bats/birds sound she's been hearing every time Marlena "says" something. Sami weeps on the casket.
Inside the casket: Marlena opens her eyes. Sami thinks she hears something inside the casket (thumping, and "Sami... let me out...") and starts freaking out. Sami is overjoyed. Like, I understand she wants her mom back, but--wouldn't that freak you out a little? Like, in an Edgar Allan Poe/"Premature Burial" kind of way?
Previews: Crazy Jan "punishes" Shawn. Nicole makes a move on Brady. Everyone at the cemetery discusses whether Marlena could possibly be alive or not.