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Please close the door and switch on the fun without fail.

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So I saw Breaking Dawn (Part Two, Some More, Whatever)
twilight lolcat
@cleolinda: #leavingthehouseomg #sparkledammerung

@cleolinda: These gifs express my feelings on the bittersweet ending of the Twilight movies.

@cleolinda: An hour early was not early enough. Line all the way through the building to the back door. Forgot one does not simply walk into Twilight.

@cleolinda: The line has now doubled all the way back around to the front. #sparkledammerung



So I was actually planning to go see Skyfall with my mother Friday night (my grandmother had an unexpected surgery last week and we ended up not going last Friday), but then, on the spur of the moment, she decided that Skyfall was maybe too long for a 7:30 pm showing, so why don't we just go ahead and see Breaking Dawn, since it's only two hours, comes on half an hour earlier, and I have to write that thing anyway? Yeahhhhh the line was so long it went all the way to the back of the building, then snaked around and doubled back to the front. We happened to get there at six, when it was only at the back of the building still. My mother had never witnessed this kind of thing before (and this wasn't even a midnight showing, mind you), and immediately got Line Claustrophobic. Also, really pissed off at people breaking in and not respecting the lineness of the line. (I started telling her veteran war stories of the New Moon preview.)

For some reason, Twilight movies have always been Srs Bsns in Birmingham; no matter what day or time I've gone to a showing, the atmosphere is always more super-concentrated churchlike than anything. We did get good screams at the really key moments, and I was sitting next to the Vestavia Branch of the Emmett Cullen Fan Club (Junior Division), but it wasn't wall-to-wall pandemonium like other correspondents have reported. It's also funny in the right places (this may be why I've been told by multiple people that it feels like a filmed version of my recaps--not that anyone read them, but that Bill Condon and Melissa Rosenberg thought the same things were funny that I did) (also, because I was never making it up). Watching reactions roll in on my Twitter, I'm seeing a lot of "I actually liked this movie" and "more fun than the other four combined" (and "OMG CLEO AND DAYNA WILL LOVE IT"). I had also heard that the movie goes totally off the rails at the end and that there is a 10-15 minute stretch where, by several published accounts, audiences do nothing but SCREAM CONTINUOUSLY. A word about this part: the way I kept hearing it phrased, I started trying to think of creatively batshit plot developments, and thus was a little disappointed when Renesmee did not, in fact, give birth to a litter of werepuppies and Charlie didn't burst in with guns blazing and and the Volturi didn't eat all the high school kids and Alice didn't wear Aro's face as a jaunty beret. (I have really, really high batshit standards, people.) As it turned out, I had read an article on the MTV movies blog months ago that very casually mentioned that they had shot a [spoiler] sequence. [Spoiler] even [spoilered his spoiler]! [Actor who plays Spoiler] thinks we're going to love it! And I thought it was just going to be some little [spoiler]; I didn't realize it would be the Big Finale. So the Scream Section starts, and I'm like... WHAT IN THE SWEET NAME OF SPARKLE IS HAPPE... oh. So I was all [spoilered] but also knew it was going to be [spoilered] in the end, and so I wasn't as freaked out as the rest of the audience. And, let me tell you, I was sorely disappointed that I didn't have something new and utterly wacked-out to discover. I wanted to be a Twilight Noob just one more time, you guys! But it was not to be.

So what I'm saying is, don't tie yourself in knots trying to be imaginative. It's just that shit gets real, as they say, in ways you do not expect a Twilight movie to get real.

(Dayna, do we have a sound clip of me rubbing my hands together evilly?)


@christylemire: My review of the shockingly entertaining TWILIGHT finale. We are all Renesmee Cullen:

This is by far the best film in the series. This does not necessarily mean it's good. But as it reaches its prolonged and wildly violent crescendo, it's at least entertaining in a totally nutso way.
That's about the way of it, yeah. I also chimed in for Christy's article on the lead actors' future (@AP: For Twilight actors, transition from beloved film series with fervent fan base can be tricky). The horse I chose to back should come as no surprise.

I want to leave my own share of discussion at that, but we usually have spoilers in the comments, so why the hell not: go for it. I don't want to talk very much about the movie myself, since I need to save it for That Of Which We Do Not Speak, which we will speak of because we all know I'm writing it. I actually knocked out a fairly solid outline at 3 am Saturday morning. (Also, we'll be recording a Made of Fail episode on Tuesday.) Don't know how long it'll take to write, but these things always take at least a few days, and both my grandmother and my sister are really, really sick; I know my immune system well enough to know that, particularly after going out and being around people omg, I am probably going to get sick (again) myself. I'm proactively warding it off the best I can, but I'm just saying: build some wait time into your expectations here. I don't think it'll take six weeks like The Avengers did, but bear with me here a while. Go ye and catch up on the first four Twilight in Fifteen Minuteses while you wait.

Meanwhile, this is going to be the Help I Cannot Remember Specifics thread, for all my HELP I CANNOT REMEMBER SPECIFICS needs.

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I was gonna go see it. I always do. Only one I skipped on was New Moon because I knew it would infuriate me to the point I'd do something that got me thrown out of the theater. But, after Part I failed to bring my lolz like the previous ones had and had betray me so I fed up with this world /theroom, I bowed out. I'll see it, but not in theaters. Plus, I too am heavily spoilered. Seeing this one would just....make me mad.

Plus, I know there would be less Leah. Which is tragedy. There needs to be more Leah, not less. Well, so long as she's handled by someone that isn't Stephenie Meyer. *still living in fear that Meyer will go through with her threat of writing a new book from Leah's POV*

Though what Aro does at the end? THAT ALMOST MADE ME GO. Because I hate Carlisle so freaking much. YES, I KNOW THE "TWIST". Just seeing it almost makes everything worth it.

I don't even dig Carlisle all that much (nor do I know what's happened to Peter Facinelli's face since the first movie), but just the visceral horror of O SNAP, LOOK WHO'S DEAD freaked me out so bad, and I even knew it was going to happen (well, I didn't know until that moment that we were entering the Grand Fakeout, but still). The really funny part was, since I knew nothing was going to stick, I wondered if they might really go all out and kill EVERYONE. There was a point where I legit thought that guy was going to kill Jacob and possibly even Renesmee (or at least grab her), and I really truly thought for about five seconds that Edward might actually die in the ravine. Because, hey--it doesn't count, right? I would give a million billion dollars to be in a theater on the opening night of a movie where they killed off Jacob and/or Edward, even if they undid it five seconds later. I would also bring riot gear.


Well, first, in case you would like a translation of the [spoiler] sentence:

I had read an article on the MTV movies blog months ago that very casually mentioned that they had shot "a vision Alice has of SOMETHING ACTUALLY HAPPENING a battle that goes really badly" sequence. Carlisle even loses his head! Peter Facinelli thinks we're going to love it! And I thought it was just going to be some little thirty-second warning vision Alice has in the middle of the movie when she sees that the Volturi are coming; I didn't realize it would be the Big Finale. So the Scream Section starts, and I'm like... WHAT IN THE SWEET NAME OF SPARKLE IS HAPPE... oh. So I was all horrified when it happened but also knew it was going to be undone in the end, and so I wasn't as freaked out as the rest of the audience.

(Short version: there's an epic battle where terrible things happen to characters you like, then it's revealed as a giant fakeout/vision that Alice is showing Aro. You're glad the good guys aren't dead, but you're DEVASTATED that all the badass comeuppance you saw didn't actually happen. SERIOUSLY. There you go.)

Second: I have managed to get help figuring out what happened to which wolves (WEAR NAMETAGS), and confirming where Garrett first turned up, because apparently half this movie slid right off my brain. (I don't take notes on a first viewing because I end up looking away from the screen too much.) What I can't remember now is who, specifically, tore Jasper's head off, or, if we can't remember, if anyone will care if I'm like "Colossus and That Guy." Also, did various Cullens go out to find witnesses anywhere other than Alaska, Egypt, and New Orleans?

(More questions to follow when I hit another snag.)



Oh my God, this movie seriously wants me to see it.

/sorry I can't be helpful, normally I would *handwring*

Having read the spoiler, I now find myself actually interested in seeing this movie, if only to see my cousin scream her little heart out.

Did I mention I thrive on the anguish of others?

Or so I've been told.

It's kind of worth it just for how balls-out unlike the book that whole sequence is. The way Aro gets killed is MAGICAL. It involves Edward throwing Bella at his head, for one.

BWAHAHA at those gifs! Perfect!

Can't wait for That Of Which We Do Not Speak. (But no pressure. :-) ) I went in unspoiled on Friday, and was all "Wait! WHAT? Really? Holy -- Ohhhhhhhh." The entire theater could not stop laughing when the [spoiler] turned out to be all a [spoiler].

But now I REALLY want to see Alice wearing Aro's face as a jaunty beret. Darn it.

Hope your grandma is doing okay.

Thanks. Her surgery was necessary but minor; this week, she's got a really bad cold (flu?), and I'm mostly concerned because anything can turn bad at her age. So I'm generally worried, but it's nothing serious at the moment. Of course, I'll be seeing her a good bit this week, so if she's at all contagious, I'll probably come down with something as well.

I think this is a spoiler zone, but just in case -


I have many thoughts on this film, but the main one is: Who the fuck thought that creepy-ass computer baby was a good idea? D:

Otherwise, it was fun. Sometimes even intentionally! :D My friends were freaking out and crying at the end - to my confused looks, they don't really like Twilight - while I was celebrating each gory death. Too bad that after the second main character killed I knew it was all a vision.

Aro is magnificent. And Dakota Fanning should star in all the things.

One more thing - this legit happened at the end in the cinema I went:

credits: "Taylor Lautner as Jacob Black"
audience: *applause, catcalls, ovation*
credits: "Robert Pattinson as Edward Cullen"
audience: *applause, screams, shouts"
credits: "Kirsten Stewart as Bella Swan"
audience: ...
audience: *explodes into laughter*

It was amazing.

Edited at 2012-11-18 06:07 pm (UTC)

Aro's creepy and unhinged laugh was probably THE single most creepy and unhinged laugh that anyone has ever laughed. I can't wait until the RiffTrax guys tackle that one.

Wait, so...there's no battle at all, it's all fake? They just do the Care Bear Stare like in the book?

I'm sure that was fun to watch, but narratively, what a cheap trick to pull on the audience to make them think all of a sudden they've stumbled into a story where stuff, like, happens! I would have felt really cheated, like watching Newhart or Dallas and finding out the whole season's been a dream and you completely lose the emotional impact of everything you've seen. It's not as if this last movie was their vehicle to pull in millions of new converts - I doubt most of the fans would have given the book ending a second thought when they saw it. Huh.

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(Dayna, do we have a sound clip of me rubbing my hands together evilly?)

Somewhere, but I think someone's talking over it otherwise I'd have used it in the show intro.


You know what I kind of want as a cold open or stinger? "YOU NAMED MY BABY AFTER THE LOCH NESS MONSTER?!?!" You have two different recordings of it, even.

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Aside from the fake-out ending, what did you think of the rest of the movie? Was Bella-vampiring-better-than-you at all satisfying? Did Taylor manage to pull off the imprinting business (for some definition of "pulling off"). I'm not planning on seeing this one in theaters because I'm kind of over the series at this point, but it's still lulzy to come here and read your take on it.

Bella hugging a cougar to death was hysterical, for one. She also had, later on, a very nice array of cropped jackets and tight pants. To start with, she did go out hunting in a minidress, as was written.

One of my favorite parts was Bella beating Jacob's ass over the imprinting and Edward on the porch, like, "No no, let her do it, I'm enjoying this." *chinhands* *popcorn.gif* Her delivery of "YOU NAMED MY BABY AFTER THE LOCH NESS MONSTER?!?!" was exactly the same as mine when I did it (two different times!) on Made of Fail. Like, I loved that this is just clearly the way one ought to say it.

They managed to downplay the imprinting pretty well and having Jacob go off and interact with non-Renesmee characters. I mean, it was very clearly there, and he tries to tell Bella "it's not what you think it is" and she clearly beats his ass for it, and he DOES give Renesmee the bracelet at Christmas (although they quietly decline to specify that it's a PROMISE bracelet). My favorite part of that storyline was Jacob gazing longingly through the window, and there's Rosalie playing with Baby Renesmee and kissing her little baby fists, and he just has the ultimate IT SHOULD BE ME!! look on his face. They very pointedly show an Alice vision of Legal Full-Grown Renesmee with Jacob at the end.

Michael Sheen was just... off the chain.


Also, I hadn't really ever seen Lee Pace in anything, but I get it now. His lines were kind of terrible, and I still get it.

Seriously, reconsider not seeing this in the theaters. The big long action sequence is OUT THERE. It is worth it for Alice feeding Jane's head to a wolf and Edward throwing Bella at Aro's face. And it's only two hours total!

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The movie was surprisingly fun and like you said it did feel like it was a movie version of your recaps. At one point I remember thinking it would be hilarious if you could sue or something. Anyway the twist at the end was really great until your realized its fake. So many angry groans when that happened. I swear nobody in my theater was a serious twilight fan. People clapped at all the deaths, somebody even cheered when Edward fell in the massive earth crack but then that same person booed when he popped up again. Kate and Garrett exceeded my expectations and Aro was brilliant. I walked out that theater wanting to hug the movie for being so lolarious.

Oh, no suing! It's only like my recaps in that my recaps were extremely true to the books. I keep telling you guys, I am never making it up. Seriously, *other people* told me it felt like the recap, but it never crossed my mind because the movie just felt like the book, was all.

The hunt scene at the beginning was amazing. I think I laughed for about five minutes when they had Bella slow-running in front of terrible CGI forest.

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Yeah--I kept thinking, whatever I've facetiously come up with, the surprise has got to be EVEN WILDER. Sitting here two days later, I think I'm having a delayed enjoyment reaction. At the time? I was SORELY DISAPPOINT.

I saw this yesterday at 10:00 AM and there was no line for me. maybe because it was a matinee? I'm sure there was for the midnight showing though. The theater was pretty well packed though.

I didn't know anything about the fake out vision ahead of time, so I was actually freaking out, especially when they offed Jasper since he's one of my fave characters. My notes are of me going nuts at that point. Even the write-up I did on my journal reflects this. Someone in the theater after the whole thing actually said "Oh, thank God". We all had a good chuckle at that.

I noticed the article you linked to referred to you as a Twilight "expert". I guess it's a title that you just can't shake.

Hope your family feels better. We were on vacation a couple of weeks ago and my mom has been suffering from hives/rash ever since we got back and I've been having massive allergy issues. No fun.

Yeah, I usually don't have to deal with lines at all--because I go somewhere between 10 am and 2 pm, as early as I can manage it. It was a spur of the moment decision Friday night, and my mother very clearly had no idea what we were getting into.

And yeah, Christy has consulted me two (three?) times for Twilight articles now. I couldn't talk her out of that particular phrase. Like one of my friends said--"Oh Cleo, 'Twilight expert.' I don't even know how this happened." Well, five recaps and four movie writeups, that's how. :(

(Aw, I hope y'all feel better soon!)

I'm not really into Tumblr, but I love the tags on that post.

Thanks for enduring this (all of this) for us, and I look forward to more.

I'm not into keeping up with Tumblr generally, but I find it useful for throwing up mini-blog posts, essentially, that I don't have the energy to pull together for a full LJ entry. Also, reblogging other people's mini-blog posts, essentially. (Irony: I end up seeing other people's Tumblr posts mostly because... I'm linked to them on Twitter. It's like an Escher staircase of social media.)

Can i have yout permision to do Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire in 15 min. script for forensics?

Hi! i am a HUGE harry potter fan and i love your movies in 15 minutes scripts!! i am also in forensics (competitive acting) and i was just wondering if i could do the Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire script as a Humerous Duo script? It would be AWESOME if i could! :)

Re: Can i have yout permision to do Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire in 15 min. script for forens

Oh, sure. I just ask that people not make money off it, and that they give me credit (or acknowledge that they adapted it from my work) by name, and it sounds like that would be the case here. Good luck!

I laughed my ass of through the movie. It was brilliant for a twilight movie at least.

1 whoa RPatz is mad crazy in love with Kristen. I felt horrible for him afte what happened. Hopefully it works out because she has no idea.
2 I loved the twist because between that and getting the fake documents, Alice proves once again she is the most badass Cullen whomever Cullened. I love Alice.
3 Jacob fursploding at Charlie. OMG. The scene that everyone wanted to end, we get the point! We were dying of laughter.

Thank you for the recaps and m15m because I would have otherwised missed out on the fun!

If #1 is true, then I for one hope he gets over her and moves on after what she did because it's obvious she doesn't have the same depth of feeling he does.