BA DUH DUH BA DUH DUH BAAAAAA. This year, we have Tina Fey and Amy Poehler instead of Ricky Gervais, who, judging from a reread of last year's liveblog, did not actually piss enough people off to earn his lol-edgy keep ("he is no longer technically in show business"). Fey is in teal sequins and Poehler is in red (and in this room full of excitement, "you can smell the pills from here!"). Both women are nominated (Fey caresses Poehler's face tenderly: "You are my nemesis"). They also offer to call child services for Lena Dunham and her nude scenes, and wave to Kathryn Bigelow, director of Zero Dark Thirty: "When it comes to torture, I trust the woman who spent three years married to James Cameron." And of all the mouth-clapping :O !! faces in the room, Jessica Chastain's is the best. Tell us about the HFPA! Poehler: "When left untreated, HFPA can lead to cervical cancer..." Fey: "She's kidding. There is no cure for the Hollywood Foreign Press Association." Fey compliments Anne Hathaway on her performance in Les Mis, hopelessness and abandonment she hasn't seen since Hathaway hosted the Oscars with James Franco (well...). I think Fey just said Quentin Tarantino is the star of all her sexual nightmares? Meryl, Queen of the Drinky Oscars, cannot be with us tonight because she has the flu "and she is wonderful in it"? The sound on my TV is doing some kind of weird doubley burbling thing! NOOOOOO. I CAN'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING THAT IS HAPPENING!
FUCK MY LIFE IT'S BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR AND I CAN'T HEAR IT I guess Kate Hudson and Bradley Cooper are saying things
Best Supporting Actor
Alan Arkin, "Argo"
Leonardo DiCaprio, "Django Unchained"
Philip Seymour Hoffman, "The Master"
Tommy Lee Jones, "Lincoln"
Christoph Waltz, "Django Unchained"
Who won? What is happening? Is it--I think it is Christoph Waltz? I had to turn the TV off and on again to try to reboot the cable fuckery. All I know is that Leonardo DiCaprio is beaming, and Waltz has to thank "two people... BLAR BLAR BLARBLE BLARRRRR." Hugh Jackman gazes on through narrowed eyes, as if he can sense that somewhere, a blogger is suffering.
Best Supporting Actress in a TV Show, Miniseries or TV Movie
Hayden Panettiere, "Nashville"
Archie Panjabi, "The Good Wife"
Sarah Paulson, "Game Change"
Maggie Smith, "Downtown Abbey: Season 2"
Sofia Vergara, "Modern Family"
Kerry Washington seems to be indicating that Maggie Smith has won but cannot be here tonight. Dennis Quaid was also there to help her BLARBLE BLARGLE BLARRRRRRRG. Then there are commercials and schmoozing and cursing at my TV.