Please also welcome! Jason Statham and Jennifer Lopez with meager swaths of lace painted onto portions of her body, it is kind of magnificent!
Best Original Score
Mychael Danna, "Life of Pi"
Alexandre Desplat, "Argo"
Dario Marianelli, "Anna Karenina"
Tom Tykwer, Johnny Klimek and Reinhold Heil, "Cloud Atlas"
John Williams, "Lincoln"
WINNER: Mychael Danna! This is somewhat of a surprise, maybe! "Bringing the Golden Globe to the stage is international star Yoshiki!" Thanks, Announcer Guy! Aw, Danna thanks "the most beautiful woman in a room full of starlets," his wife. Write that one down, guys.
Best Original Song
"For You," music and lyrics by Monty Powell, Keith Urban ("Act of Valor")
"Not Running Anymore," music and lyrics by Jon Bon Jovi ("Stand Up Guys")
"Safe & Sound," music and lyrics by Taylor Swift, John Paul White, Joy Williams, T Bone Burnett ("The Hunger Games")
"Skyfall," music and lyrics by Adele and Paul Epworth ("Skyfall")
"Suddenly," music by Claude-Michel Schonberg and lyrics by Herbert Kretzmer and Alain Boublil ("Les Miserables")
WINNER: GET IT, ADELE. "AW MY GAWD!" she shrieks. I love her so, so much. Her, and her giant beehive, and her perfect black dress. I LOVE YOU, ADELE! Daniel Craig seems to be enjoying this as well--I did not see this, but I am hearing that he gave her the highest of fives?
@SmartBitches: Apparently Taylor Swift gave Adele the stink eye of doom and I totally missed it. That mess ought to be a gif in 3…2….1
Oh, Santa, I have been so good.
Good Christ, how are we only one hour into this?
And now! Kiefer Sutherland! And also Jessica Alba in orange and really aggressive matching lipstick!
Best Actor in a Miniseries or TV Movie
Kevin Costner, "Hatfields & McCoys"
Benedict Cumberbatch, "Sherlock (Masterpiece)"
Woody Harrelson, "Game Change"
Toby Jones, "The Girl"
Clive Owen, "Hemingway & Gellhorn"
Ah, there's Tina Fey at a table wearing poofy dude hair and a mustache to play a fake nominee, which explains the Amy Poehler Teeth thing. I wasn't hallucinating it! (OR WAS I?) WINNER: Kevin Costner, "the worst neighbor you could ever have," while everyone on Tumblr howls in holy outrage. Interestingly, he looked really grim during the name-listing, like he didn't expect to win (and Toby Jones also looks pretty somber after having not won). He gives a long but well-spoken speech that is... kind of sad?
@KiranPeg: Kevin Costner's speech gave me the vibe he was immediately going to sea to die after it and that was his goodbye.
There was something really nice about Gregory Peck in it, I can't really Bill Clinton? BILL CLINTON? What is happening? Is this Amy Poehler? No, this is BILL CLINTON. Lena Dunham looks EXACTLY as shocked as I do. STANDING OVATION FOR BILL CLINTON.
"A tough fight," he says, "to push a bill through the House of Representatives..." Oh, you're here for the Lincoln montage, aren't you?
Amy Poehler is aflutter: "THAT WAS HILLARY CLINTON'S HUSBAND!" Fey comes running out in her hair and mustache: "THAT WAS BILL RODHAM CLINTON!" God bless.
Here are! Will Ferrell! And Kristen Wiig! Holding hands and mouths dropped open with shock! Wiig: "It is our distinct honor..." Ferrell is staring around at the ceiling. I can't tell if this is a Clinton leftover thing or what. They totally saw the five nominated actresses' movies, you guys. That is totally for sure. Do not doubt this for a moment. "When the salmon, the salmon come out... and the bad guy... and they go to YEMEN." Judi Dench used to be a police officer, and she says, "GET OUUUUUT OF HERE," but she is an unknown, where did she come from? Did Jennifer Lawrence have a cookbook? They're not sure. "What does that say? Mariel?" "Mariel Streep." "She is the BEST sheriff." CUT TO: THE DEATH GLARE OF TOMMY LEE JONES. "GET OUUUUUUT OF HERE!!"
Best Actress in a Musical or Comedy
Emily Blunt, "Salmon Fishing in the Yemen"
Judi Dench, "The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel"
Jennifer Lawrence, "Silver Linings Playbook"
Maggie Smith, "Quartet"
Meryl Streep, "Hope Springs"
WINNER: JENNIFER LAWRENCE! Oh, sit down, Taylor Swift, you did nothing. "I beat Meryl!" she says, and then the sound on my TV goes all blurbly again, so I will simply restrict myself to noting that her dress is red and boofy in the skirt and FLAWLESS, I don't care what you say about the bodice, it in NO WAY looks like that time Becky from The Real World Year One stuffed her bra with actual Dixie cups, NOTHING LIKE THAT AT ALL.
@nprmonkeysee: I love Jennifer Lawrence and I love that color, but that's the weirdest bust on a dress I've seen in a while.
@fuggirls: Jennifer Lawnrence's boobs look like sock puppets in that dress. #GoldenGlobes -H