Best Supporting Actor in a TV Show, Miniseries or TV Movie
Max Greenfield, "New Girl"
Ed Harris, "Game Change"
Danny Huston, "Magic City"
Mandy Patinkin, "Homeland"
Eric Stonestreet, "Modern Family"
WINNER: Ed Harris, who could not be here tonight! Kristen Bell's aqua tinyness is escorted from the stage.
Here is! Jamie Foxx! To present the Django Unchained montage. They have many nominations ("best supporting actor nominations--already won one of those!"), so let's all take a moment to reflect how much the Oscars do not ever, ever want Leonardo DiCaprio to win anything. Also, that I am surprised Jamie Foxx himself is not getting nominated for things.
Meanwhile, Megan Fox wants Jonah Hill to call her back. She and Amy Adams seem to be wearing similarly strapless nude dresses. Afterwards, they will fight with knives in the parking lot, and he will referee.
Best Supporting Actress
Amy Adams, "The Master"
Sally Field, "Lincoln"
Anne Hathaway, "Les Miserables"
Helen Hunt, "The Sessions"
Nicole Kidman, "The Paperboy"
WINNER: Anne Hathaway. "Blerg," she says. (Yes.) "Omg, this is happening. Thank you for this lovely blunt object, which I will use forever more as a weapon against self doubt," and in the Battle of the Beiges girlfight two hours from now. She specifically thanks Sally Field for setting the example of someone who grew up from playing the Flying Nun to being a great Oscar-winning actress ("As the former princess of Genovia, I have to thank you so much for being a vanguard against type-casting"), God bless.
Commercials! Oz the Great and Powerful: still not sure if want.
Please welcome! Amanda Seyfried and Robert Pattinson! They will tear her to shreds. She has the best dress, but the Beiges will strip her and throw her carcass to the howling fans, and they will laugh.
Mark Boal, "Zero Dark Thirty"
Tony Kushner, "Lincoln"
David O'Russell, "Silver Linings Playbook"
Quentin Tarantino, "Django Unchained"
Chris Terrio, "Argo"
WINNER: Tarantino! He thanks his actors and also his friends, who he reads his scripts out loud to as he writes them. "I don't want input, I don't want you to tell me if I'm doing anything wrong! Heaven forbid! But when I read it to you, I hear it through your ears, and I know if I'm on the right track." Actually? Write this down. This is good advice.
PLEASE WELCOME! COMEDY SUPERSTAR JEREMY IRONS. "Britain's leading fisheries expert..." That is not what I expected to come out of his mouth. But he says "Lasse Hallström" very nicely. (A Salmon Fishing in the Yemen montage.)
Let us just stop a moment and appreciate the flowered-wallpaper pale-blue ballgown that Lucy Liu is wearing. I am serious. It is the fiercest upholstery woman will ever wear. Debra Messing is in black and there is some ruching I think, whatever. THAT DRESS.
Best Actor in a TV Comedy
Alec Baldwin, "30 Rock"
Don Cheadle, "House of Lies"
Louis C.K., "Louie"
Matt LeBlanc, "Episodes"
Jim Parsons, "The Big Bang Theory"
WINNER: Don Cheadle! With a very strange cut to a serious non-happy DiCaprio while he speeches, not sure what that was about.
Please welcome! Stallone and Schwarzenegger to present... Best Foreign Film? "Because for both of us English is a foreign language." Stallone: "I can't be as bad as you!"
Best Foreign Language Film
"A Royal Affair"
"Rust and Bone"
"And the Gorden Glorb goes to..."
WINNER: Amour, confirming for me that the director's name is pronounced a good bit like "Hannukah." The more you know. Michael Haneke thanks as many people as he can, but "there is too much people to thank everybody." As I always like to remind myself during these awards: he is doing a shitload better than I would be doing in, say, Spain right now.
Please welcome! I think this is Nathan Fillion! And Lea Michele, who is also tiny, and in white. A small size can be a great advantage when running from women tottering on high heels, but it is more difficult to execute the finishing move.
Best Actress in a TV Drama
Connie Britton, "Nashville"
Glenn Close, "Damages"
Claire Danes, "Homeland"
Michelle Dockery, "Downton Abbey"
Julianna Margulies, "The Good Wife"
WINNER: Claire Danes, who is amazed by how "insanely generous" the HFPA has been to her. She also thanks her costume designer, who took her "PANTS OUT EVERY DAMN WEEK" when she was pregnant. Aaaaand commercials.