Please welcome! Sacha Baron Cohen! Carrying a glass of red wine or a snifter of brandy or something! Let us all clap for ourselves! "NOT YOU, DANIEL DAY-LEWIS! ANYONE CAN GROW A BLOODY BEARD!" Also, he dings Russell Crowe's acting lessons and Anne Hathaway's upskirt shot and throws in a super random slam on Gerard Depardieu's excretory habits. I am sure that Ricky Gervais is cackling into a little radio in SBC's ear right now.
Best Animated Feature
"Rise of the Guardians"
WINNER: Brave! Oh, snap, weren't people saying Wreck-It Ralph was going to get it? I kind of wish the director who'd originated the movie--Brenda Chapman?--and been taken off it was up there, but there you are.
Here is Liev Schrieber to present the Life of Pi montage, because sure. I kind of wish we would start appending "The Unfilmable Novel" to the title, in a "Based on the Novel by Sapphire" kind of way. I mean, everyone says it anyway.
Here are! Jason Bateman and Asiz Ansari! I'm pretty sure Ansari being high as a kite is a gag, but it's the Drinky Oscars, so who knows. Ansari: "[In Britain] they call cookies biscuits!" Bateman: "I'm going to knock you out." "Daniel Day-Lewis! You are my hero! I just saw Expendables 2!" "Try booze next time." Meanwhile, Amy Poehler is sitting on George Clooney's lap.
Best Actress in a TV Comedy
Zooey Deschanel, "New Girl"
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, "Veep"
Lena Dunham, "Girls"
Tina Fey, "30 Rock"
Amy Poehler, "Parks and Recreation"
WINNER: Lena Dunham in a massive eggplant-colored ballgown that's kind of wearing her, but you know what? Werk. Very shaky, she thanks the other nominees for getting her through mono and anxiety and middle school and also there are lots of names and it is pretty sweet. I haven't seen Girls, and I kind of wanted to dislike her for no good reason, but I keep wanting to root for her instead. Also, Judd Apatow is an honorary girl (the more you know).
NEXT UP: The Cecil B. DeMille Bathroom Break Award, which is probably not so much a break or a kitchen run for any of y'all because it's being presented by Robert Downey Jr. Grab ye sandwiches while ye may.
Fey and Poehler turn up with full glasses (I knew the "middle school" thing wouldn't go over well) because the show is about to get drunk. "You know what, Taylor Swift, you stay away from Michael J. Fox's son." The audience: "OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH." Please welcome! "An actor so versatile he's played Iron Man in three different movies!"
AHEM. "Miss Foster, please know that I love and admire you no matter what may transpire in the next few minutes." Do you really expect me to transcribe this fast? I know you don't. However, I will say that they apparently shared four goals in their youth: "I want to be president of the United States. I want to go onstage. I want to go to Rome. I want to get a hamster." RDJ, among other things, got a hamster of his own: "His name is Bubbles!" At their table, Mel Gibson hands Foster a silver platter bearing a stuffed toy hamster and, with great glee, Foster gnaws on it. I don't know what is happening here. I will simply note that The Silence of the Lambs is my all-time favorite movie, and my mother hates it because of that scene where she's fumbling around in the dark with Scary Guy RIGHT BEHIND HER. "I'M FIFTY!" Jodie Foster declares. Apparently this is a Saturday Night Live thing? And she has been in the business for forty-seven of those years. Good God. Tonight, she feels like the prom queen! "It's like a home movie nightmare that won't end!" Here's a declaration that she's a little nervous about, loud and proud: "I am... single." GROAAAAN. "Can I get a wolf-whistle or something!" I swear to you, the sound on my TV cut out just then (wait, no, I am now hearing that EVERYONE'S sound cut out in a censory way), and I can't tell whether she just blatantly "came out" as a lesbian, or came out about not coming out because we all know she is and she knows we know and who gives a fuck or not. She is not Honey Boo Boo Child! This is not a reality show! Spanking Daniel Craig? What? She may never be on stage again! Maybe she'll be holding a different talking stick! Maybe it'll be so quiet only dogs can hear it! But she was here and her writing was on the wall! But In conclusion: PRIVACY. She is so drunk, you guys. She brought her sons, and thanks her co-parent and former partner, and thanks her mother, and she looks fantastic and she is hammered. ALL HAIL THE NEW DRINKY QUEEN, JODIE FOSTER WAS HERE.