I'm a little concerned, yeah.
Sigh. Blurbly doubled BLAR BLAR sound on the TV again. Damn, Halle Berry has a great dress. Like a big kind of raspberry pink floral pattern ballgown and--
Ben Affleck, "Argo"
Kathryn Bigelow, "Zero Dark Thirty"
Ang Lee, "Life of Pi"
Steven Spielberg, "Lincoln"
Quentin Tarantino, "Django Unchained"
Big cheers for Affleck! Bigger cheers for Bigelow! Equally big cheers for everyone else! WINNER: BEN AFFLECK, HE OF NO OSCAR NOMINATION. STANDING OVATION, LAUGHING JON HAMM. "Thank you very BLAR BLAR BLAR BLARRRRRR," he says with great humility. George Clooney watches thoughtfully, one hand upon his lips, perhaps wondering if he can Call in a Favor. A favor for my TV, George?
Here is Josh Brolin! I think he has a Moonrise Kingdom montage! It is hard to BLAR BLAR BLARRRR at this point.
Please welcome! Jimmy Fallon and Jay Leno! Allegedly, they are saying things that are "funny."
Best TV Comedy or Musical
"The Big Bang Theory"
WINNER: Girls. There are many of them! Lena Dunham has been elected to speak first, she says! I drifted off towards Twitter at this point, but I definitely heard her thank Chad Lowe.
PLEASE WELCOME! CHRISTIAN BALE. Don't mind if I do! Which accent on the wheel do we have tonight? He has definitely brought us a Silver Linings Playbook montage.
Please welcome Jennifer Garner in red! She would like to thank "Grant and George" on her husband's behalf! I guess they played him off before he could BLARRRRR.
Best Actor in a Musical or Comedy
Jack Black, "Bernie"
Bradley Cooper, "Silver Linings Playbook"
Hugh Jackman, "Les Miserables"
Ewan McGregor, "Salmon Fishing in the Yemen"
Bill Murray, "Hyde Park on Hudson"
Big cheers for Jackman, but SCREAMS when he wins. Bradley Cooper smiles the same smile he was smiling when the nominees were being called out, graciously, smilingly.
@VanityFair: A #GoldenGlobes cutaway shows Bradley Cooper looking appropriately deflated. Somewhere, Robert De Niro screams about odds, the parlay, etc.
Hugh Jackman also wants his wife to come up and thank anyone he has forgotten afterwards. Someone stole the wheels off his bike while he was auditioning for Les Mis? But now, "we're all good." He is just about bouncing with happy and sounds surprisingly sober.
Twenty minutes left. Also surprisingly, my fingers continue to fing.
Please welcome! Star of the upcoming Hansel and Gretel (yes they said this!), Jeremy Renner! He says that Kathryn Bigelow and Mark Boal "make great movies but really sh-- [SILENCE]." THIS IS: ZERO DARK THIRTY.
Please also welcome! Dustin Hoffman! He is not a witch-hunter in 3D, no.
"The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel"
"Salmon Fishing in the Yemen"
"Silver Linings Playbook"
Oh, this isn't even a fair fight, what is this. WINNER: Les Miserables, with perhaps the drunkest emphasis on the "bles" we've heard yet. OMG ANNE HATHAWAY FORGOT TO THANK HER MANAGER OF FOURTEEN YEARS SHE FORGOT TO SAY THAT!! (The Guy Who Speaks for the Group: "I haven't forgotten anyone because I haven't started yet.") Then she hugs Amanda Seyfried tight and leans over her, both in their pale slinky gowns. Amanda will never see the shiv coming in the parking lot. She will only feel it.
Oh, more commercials.
@Movieline: High Five! The Best GIFs Of The 2013 Golden Globes.
Tina Fey: "Our next presenter is so good-looking, he makes young George Clooney look like garbage." Amy Poehler: "Please welcome middle-aged George Clooney!"
Best Actress in a Drama
Jessica Chastain, "Zero Dark Thirty"
Marion Cotillard, "Rust and Bone"
Helen Mirren, "Hitchcock"
Naomi Watts, "The Impossible"
Rachel Weisz, "The Deep Blue Sea"
WINNER: Jessica Chastain, who made a big "here we go" puffer face right before they started in on the names. I am really starting to like her for some reason. (Marilyn-esque aqua dress.) She is even shakier than Hathaway and, I suspect, more genuinely shocked. Big applause when she thanks Bigelow and "what [she] has done for women in cinema," and then she thanks her grandmother. Aw.
Clooney, meanwhile, is still here because Queen Meryl is down for the count. Here we go:
Best Actor in a Drama
Daniel Day-Lewis, "Lincoln"
Richard Gere, "Arbitrage"
John Hawkes, "The Sessions"
Joaquin Phoenix, "The Master"
Denzel Washington, "Flight"
WINNER: "And the award goes to Daniel Day-Lewis." Like, Clooney's not even wasting time here. "Are you sure there's room for another ex-president on this stage?" And then, "If you think [having Bill Clinton] is showing off, the Queen is about to parachute in to make another pitch for Skyfall..." Wait, his wife opens the window for him when he goes to work and he goes out to hunt and scavenge in the wilderness and bring her back a mouse and hopes that she thinks it's good? Is this a metaphor? I mean--I think Daniel Day-Lewis has actually done that, I'm not sure. Sentimental Violins play him off as he thanks Spielberg, who has hearts in his eyes, as do the peoples of Twitter.
You ready for Best Drama? I don't know which way it's going at this point.
Is... is Julia Roberts wearing a floor-length black culotte?
"Life of Pi"
"Zero Dark Thirty"
WINNER: ARGO. Well, holy shit. "Coming to the stage! Producer George Clooney!" The Guy Who Speaks for the Group (But Is Not George Clooney) thanks "Ben Affleck, our fearless leader" and those in both diplomatic and clandestine service. I'm wondering what the Academy powers-that-be are thinking right now. "Good night! We're going home with Jodie Foster!" yells Poehler. Let the Battle of the Beiges begin.