Why are we remixing scenes from New Dallas into a "song"? Nobody wants this. I promise you, TNT.
Ladies and gentlemen! Jeff Daniels and Kerry Washington (ruffly white)! Their characters live in a world of conflict and scandal and breaking news! Sure, I guess! Best wishes to our troops overseas! Also, Washington fumbles over the teleprompter and clarifies that we cannot laugh in and out.
Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Comedy Series
Alec Baldwin - 30 Rock as Jack Donaghy
Ty Burrell - Modern Family as Phil Dunphy
Louis C.K. - Louie as Louie
Jim Parsons - The Big Bang Theory as Sheldon Cooper
Eric Stonestreet - Modern Family as Cameron Tucker
Look, all I know is, Eric Stonestreet is dressed as the Rum Tum Tugger in his clip. WINNER: Alec Baldwin, whose hair looks very strange! Like a completely different color on top and unusually Ken Doll-esque! Cut to Robert De Niro looking amused for some reason! "Oh my God. It's ridiculous." Well, I mean, I wasn't going to say it. He definitely wants to thank his agent, by the way, now that 30 Rock is over and he is joblessly unemployed, his agent who is the best agent.
Please welcome! Julianne Moore and Damian Lewis! Moore is in a black and white "scroll-up fug," to quote the Fug Girls (God bless us all)! (Really, I think it just needs a moar better fit up top.) Lewis: "I wonder what it's like to act in a TV show that makes people laugh. As opposed to acting in a TV show that makes people REALLY TENSE!" I... don't know...? "The nominees are..."
Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Comedy Series
Edie Falco - Nurse Jackie as Jackie Peyton
Tina Fey - 30 Rock as Liz Lemon
Amy Poehler - Parks and Recreation as Leslie Knope
Sofía Vergara - Modern Family as Gloria Delgado-Pritchett
Betty White - Hot in Cleveland as Elka Ostrovsky
Moore: "And the winner is... you betcha! Tina Fey!" I love how they have this gracious Sarah Palin Impersonators Unite solidarity. "Oh my goodness! Thank you for letting me into this union" (UNION! UNION!) and thank you to many people but most definitely her BFF Amy Poehler: "Amy, I've known this since you were pregnant with Lena Dunham!" And finally, "Just tape The Big Bang Theory for once, for crying out loud!"
Please welcome! Ben Affleck, John Goodman, Bryan Cranston, and Alan Arkin, in ascending order of height! They are here to explain Argo to you.
Please also welcome! One montage later! Julianna Margulies in a mod ponytail and Noah Wyle! Did you know that dying is easy but comedy is hard? I might agree with that.
Outstanding Performance by an Ensemble in a Comedy Series
30 Rock - Scott Adsit, Alec Baldwin, Tina Fey, Judah Friedlander, Jane Krakowski, Jack McBrayer, Tracy Morgan, and Keith Powell
The Big Bang Theory - Mayim Bialik, Kaley Cuoco, Johnny Galecki, Simon Helberg, Kunal Nayyar, Jim Parsons, and Melissa Rauch
Glee - Dianna Agron, Chris Colfer, Darren Criss, Samuel Larsen, Vanessa Lengies, Jane Lynch, Jayma Mays, Kevin McHale, Lea Michele, Cory Monteith, Heather Morris, Matthew Morrison, Alex Newell, Chord Overstreet, Amber Riley, Naya Rivera, Mark Salling, Harry Shum, Jr., and Jenna Ushkowitz
Modern Family - Aubrey Anderson-Emmons, Julie Bowen, Ty Burrell, Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Nolan Gould, Sarah Hyland, Ed O'Neill, Rico Rodriguez, Eric Stonestreet, Sofía Vergara, and Ariel Winter
Nurse Jackie - Mackenzie Aladjem, Eve Best, Jake Cannavale, Bobby Cannavale, Peter Facinelli, Edie Falco, Dominic Fumusa, Arjun Gupta, Lenny Jacobson, Ruby Jerins, Paul Schulze, Anna Deavere Smith, Stephen Wallem, and Merritt Wever
The Office - Leslie David Baker, Brian Baumgartner, Creed Bratton, Clark Duke, Jenna Fischer, Kate Flannery, Ed Helms, Mindy Kaling, Ellie Kemper, Angela Kinsey, John Krasinski, Jake Lacy, Paul Lieberstein, B.J. Novak, Oscar Nuñez, Craig Robinson, Phyllis Smith, Catherine Tate, and Rainn Wilson
WINNER: Modern Family, which is celebrating its third consecutive win! To which I can attest, because I always reread the last couple of years' show blogs to warm up! They specifically pour one out for The Cast of the Departing 30 Rock, who they will miss ("but not [precious tiny little] Aubrey, she has no idea who you are"), and, having reread those liveblogs, I would like to give everyone props for not trotting out another painfully "funny" pre-scripted speech.
AND NOW a first look at Oz, The Great and Powerful. Look, Michelle Williams is Galadriel of Oz and Rachel Weisz, she pretty. Catch up with you on DVD.
(What? There's not a whole lot of movies I actually get out to the theater to see!)
Ladies and gentlemen! Naomi Watts and Liev Schrieber! They are here to declare that some of the best work we saw this year was by female actors in a television movies or miniseries(es)! As opposed to some of the fairly mediocre work in that category over yonder, I guess.
Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Television Movie or Miniseries
Nicole Kidman - Hemingway & Gellhorn as Martha Gellhorn
Julianne Moore - Game Change as Sarah Palin
Charlotte Rampling - Restless as Eva Delectorskaya
Sigourney Weaver - Political Animals as Elaine Barrish Hammond
Alfre Woodard - Steel Magnolias as Ouiser
WINNER: Julianne Moore, as expected! Nicole Kidman is seen smiling patiently, presumably envisioning her Oscar even as we speak. Moore talks about basketball and championships and her wonderful team (which is nice) and reads the entire cast's names off a list (uh). Seriously, I think she's into the political rally extras there. And a baby makes ALL OF THEM. ALL THE ACTORS.
Please welcome! Rose Byrne (fluffly ruffles) and James Marsden! OOH OOH IS THIS ABOUT X-MEN? ABOUT THEM GOING BACK AND UNDOING THE THIRD MOVIE?
Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Television Movie or Miniseries
Kevin Costner - Hatfields & McCoys as Devil Anse Hatfield
Woody Harrelson - Game Change as Steve Schmidt
Ed Harris - Game Change as John McCain
Clive Owen - Hemingway & Gellhorn as Ernest Hemingway
Bill Paxton - Hatfields & McCoys as Randall McCoy
I will say, I really did enjoy Woody Harrelson a lot in that movie. Like, I would not have thought I would really enjoy a movie about Sarah Palin, but such is the sorcery therein. I.. I do not know what to make of this clip of Clive Owen playing Hemingway as... the caricature he actually kind of was, maybe? WINNER: Kevin Costner, who could not be here tonight. Okay, now I'm just worried.
UNION OFFICIALS ARE HERE TO TALK ABOUT THE UNION (UNION! UNION!). President God is here to narrate an actual, like, short film about guilding and uniting and everything. I kind of need to go copypasta some links, brb.