@cleolinda: Welp, I just agreed to read the first Game of Thrones book. Apparently I'm going to be marathoning that tomorrow.
@cleolinda: I am determined to finish this by Thursday night so I don't cross the fandom streams. I read pretty fast, though.
@cleolinda: I MEAN BASICALLY, yeah. RT @DuctTapeFae: @cleolinda I hope you're packing a lunch, that sucker is dense!
@cleolinda: Yeah, but I know a lot of stuff from hearing about the show, so... RT @ladonnapietra: You sweet summer child.
@cleolinda: "Oh! So THIS is the part where everyone was rending their garments on Twitter!"
@cleolinda: I've heard the "GRRM can't be on Twitter because he killed all 140 characters" joke. I'm prepared for everyone to die.
@cleolinda: Literally everyone, to die. Characters will walk into a room and fall over dead three pages later. Rocks literally fall on everyone.
@cleolinda: Sometimes people will just stop in the middle of a sentence and fall into a pit of swords. Swords with spikes. Spikes with poison.
@cleolinda: There are dragons, who also make people die, and then they die, but only after you really love them. Then they come back and die some more.
@NoelCT: Then there's the town littered with rakes that villagers keep stepping on.
@cleolinda: "KHALEESI, IT IS A DESERT OF LEGOS"
@NoelCT: Imagine how much more fun GoT would be if written in the style of A Series of Unfortunate Events.
@cleolinda: "Decimated, a word which here means 'everyone dies.'"
@grammar_girl: To quote the magnificent @MarkDoesStuff: YOU ARE NOT PREPARED.
@cleolinda: Well, I know a lot about the TV show, so... I really am probably kind of prepared.
@MarkDoesStuff: may i suggest that even knowing how prepared you are won't make you all that prepared? because of reasons.
@MarkDoesStuff: i mean we are talking a DIABOLICAL kind of pain through fiction here
@cleolinda: I think my feels are already shutting down in preparation.
@MarkDoesStuff: then go forth as a numb, cynical shell of a human, and you shall survive the ordeal.
@cleolinda: The interesting thing is that I already kind of love Daenerys just from hearing about the show.
@MarkDoesStuff: OH GOD JUST RUN AWAY NOW YOU DEVELOPED A FEEL HURRY RUN AWAY NO FEELS ALLOWED.
@cleolinda: I just went ahead and got the 5 e-books for $40 deal (with Real Page Numbers!).
@cleolinda: "This file may take longer to download" EVEN THE E-BOOKS ARE HEAVY
@nicolarz: @cleolinda What prompted you to read this series?
@cleolinda: @nicolarz My sister wanted me to, and I kept meaning to watch the show anyway. It has swords!
@cleolinda: I may or may not say much, but I'll try to avoid blatant spoilers, and I'll tag it #gotliveread if you want to mute/filter that.
[Which means that this isn't a recap of any kind per se, and will work best for people who are somewhat familiar with Game of Thrones and/or have an acquired taste for non sequiturs.]
@cleolinda: Time for Serious Reading Ponytail. #gotliveread
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p6 Okay, if Sable Lordling doesn't bite it in the next two pages, I'm gonna be disappointed.
@cleolinda: Ser Waymar Royce, more precisely. I knew he was dead when they snarked on his fashion. #gotliveread
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p9 YAAAAAY
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p15 Dead direwolf. Shattered... antler? *suspicious look* @DireRavenstag
@DireRavenstag: @cleolinda It was a long and bloody war between our people. We don't talk about it. *traumaface*
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p25 Okay, I just got here and even I can tell that Magister Dude Illyrio is five seconds away from screwing everyone over.
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p25 Oh... OH. Viserys is THAT kind of creepy. Ew.
@cleolinda: May a direwolf eat his face. RT @MissBox: Can't wait for @cleolinda's creeping realisation that Viserys is all kinds of creepy #gotliveread
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p28 So... Dany assumed all these years that she would be marrying her creepy brother. That's... nice.
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p28 "She's too skinny." SHUT YOUR FACE, INCEST KING
@cleolinda: (I usually read a lot faster than this, but maybe stopping to tweet is helping me not get lost, idk.)
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p30 So Viserys is creepy, vain, AND stupid, is what you're telling me. God, I can't wait for him to get eaten by bees.
@cleolinda: #gotliveread Have you heard my new band, Drogo and the Drooping Mustachios?
@xiombarg: Drogo and the Drooping Mustachios is my new Queen cover band.
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p34 WOW OKAY VISERYS, WITH THE "40,000 MEN AND THEIR HORSES TOO" THING THERE
@redheadedgirl: @cleolinda The tag is looking like "got liver" which means that even in Westeros, everything is People.
@cleolinda: @redheadedgirl I was already imagining the Westeros Bureau of Investigation with Will and Hannibal circa King Arthur. #gotliveread
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p36 "muscled like a maiden's fantasy" *hairbreeze*
@cleolinda: #gotliveread Whoa, Cersei has got a serious ride there. Double decker gilded carriage and 40 horses, wtf.
@cleolinda: Bom chicka wow wow? #gotliveread RT @imdominating: all Cersei's preferred rides are gilded.
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p39 NED DIDN'T LIKE TO THINK ABOUT THE COLD DARK EMPTY CRYPTS WAITING FOR THEM ALL *facepalm*
@ktjayne: ah, the legendary technique "fiveshadowing".
@GreyDuck: Well beyond foreshadowing and well into sixshadowing, possibly nineshadowing.
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p41 Yeah, definitely give the kid [Lord Robert] to a Lannister, I'm sure that'll end well.
@cleolinda: #gotliveread "I have need of you, Ned." "GODS, those were good years. I want you at my side again, Ned." Oh.
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p44 "My Joff and your Sansa" I feel an itch in my slapping hand already.
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p46 So what happens if your eyes aren't a jewel tone to match your tiara? Are you disbarred from being a ladyqueen princess?
@cleolinda: #gotliveread Wait, is Robb "grinning like a fool" at a seven year old? Son, you gotta throw the little ones back.
@cleolinda: #gotliveread "Keep Bran off the walls, you know how he loves to climb" *facepalm*
[There are, uh, a number of things I already knew happened in the first book/season.]
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p64 So they tell me Arya is a badass. In my head she would be friends with Lyra Belacqua.
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p65 "Arya Horseface" Fall in a wasp nest, Jeyne. A wasp nest on FIRE.
@cleolinda: I'M SAYING Y'ALL #gotliveread RT @sydk: ...and then Katniss and Rue dropped a hive onto Jeyne's head and everything was better?
@cleolinda: #gotliveread "the golden kraken of his House" NOBODY TOLD ME THERE WOULD BE KRAKENS!!
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p69 "Joffrey is truly a little shit." Jon Snow speaks for the trees.
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p72 HODOR!!
@cleolinda: #gotliveread "Rickon named his direwolf Shaggydog" I BARKED OUT A LAUGH LIKE A SEAL
@cleolinda: #gotliveread LAST CHANCE TO CLIMB SOME SHIT BEFORE I HAVE A WONDERFUL LIFE, BETTER GET ON THAT
@cleolinda: #gotliveread Damn, son, even the Wolf With No Name thinks this is a Bad Idea.
@cleolinda: #gotliveread "You're not my son, you're a squirrel." Catelyn, you got something to say? Something I can't quite work out the logistics of?
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p76 Oh my God, this chapter is seriously about how horrible it would be if Bran ever fell but he never falls so he won't.
@cleolinda: #gotliveread RT @lapetitesinge: That's a nice center of gravity you've got there! Be a shame if something . . . HAPPENED TO IT
[Something... happens to it.]
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p81 Oh, the facest of palms.
@cleolinda: #gotliveread I'm impressed that it took 80 pages to get to the legit incest, though.
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p83 YESSSSS BRING UNTO ME THE GIFS OF JOFFREY GETTING SLAPPED
@cleolinda: IT GIVES ME LIFE #gotliveread RT @Venneh: Behold: the supercut. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qYNeT2nzEgA
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p89 "It should have been you" DAMN, CATELYN
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p91 omg baby's first sword!
@cleolinda: #gotliveread I like how, in all Dany's wedding so far, the record needle scratch moment for me has been "gown made of skins of 1000 mice."
@cleolinda: #gotliveread I just imagined the Dothraki, on horseback, chasing down an entire herd of mice. I need to eat something.
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p101 RIDE LIKE THE WIND, KHALEESI--omg Viserys stop being such a ruiner, you are the worst.
@cleolinda: #gotliveread Well. Bom chicka wow thirteen-year-old.
[ D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: ]
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p111 I need to recharge my facepalm, because I seriously have none left for Robert and his Lannisters.
@cleolinda: I'm actually distressed that the #gotliveread process is making me read so slowly. I feel like my honor as a speed reader is at stake.
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p115 There's totally an ALA "Read" poster with Tyrion, isn't there?
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p126 whoa library fire assassination attempt wtf? NO DON'T KILL THE BOOKS!!
[Wait, who did order that, since it wasn't Tyrion? I guess Cersei, because it's always Cersei and Cersei is the worst? I need to reread this at my leisure.]
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p137 "Lady & I will eat all the lemon cakes and just have the best time without you." And then Sansa burst into flame and bees.
@cleolinda: Okay, that IS a bit different from imagining the show actress. #gotliveread RT @Venneh: Cut her a break, she's 11. :P
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p145 Okay, NOW I feel sorry for Sansa, going on her first date with--OMG ARYA BEATDOWN FTW (this will end well)
@cleolinda: #gotliveread Although now I'm guessing Sansa's going to be a shit and Mycah's brought in dead.
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p150 Sansa, I revoke my sentence of flame and bees. CERSEI, THEY ARE ALL FOR YOU
@cleolinda: +1 #gotliveread RT @umbrafishies: A Song of Flame and Bees.
@Jurisfiction16: By the end of the book you'll have run out of bees to set on fire and throw at people. THIS IS WHY BEES ARE DISAPPEARING GLOBALLY
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p163 Shaking my head at your cunning plan, Catelyn.
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p193 Tweet less, read faster. Littlefinger is super sleazy but basically the only person w any sense since I last saw Tyrion.
@cleolinda: #gotliveread Also, Jon apparently thought being a Wall ranger was the *good* kind of cold, spartan and celibate.
@cleolinda: #gotliveread yaaaaay Arya gets to keep Needle! This is the dance we dance when we learn to STAB.
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p222 YESSSSS KHALEESI MAKE HIM WALK
[Basically Daenerys is my favorite and any time she gets to stick it to her brother the Incest King is the best.]
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p227 "they practiced their arts openly in Asshai"? #asshai #itisknown
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p233 Old Nan's story is like a Westerosi country song. Lost his friends, lost his horse, lost his dog...
@cleolinda: #gotliveread (Hodor)
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p248 Ned, you are in over your head on this one. You have got to bring the WBI in on this case.
[I did like how a mystery/detective story sprang up in the middle of all this, though. Like sword noir or something.]
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p252 Dude, wtf is Ser Alliser's damage? It's like Full Metal Hauberk in here or something.
@Farrell01: One problem w/the @cleolinda GoT live read.. When the tweets stop, I fear for her safety & become convinced that the book ate her.
@cleolinda: I'm doing pretty well! Kinda queasy about the Eyrie, though, for multiple reasons.
@cleolinda: I ended up giving #gotliveread a rest so I could actually *read the book* for a while. Want to go faster; will resume in a little while.
@cleolinda: #gotliveread So since I last checked in, Viserys is still a ruiner, Joffrey is still a shit, I kind of love Sansa and the Hound,
[SPECIFICALLY SANSA AND THE HOUND TOGETHER]
[I mean, I feel sorry for Sansa and I get that she's just 11 but I also kind of want to dropkick her out a window]
@cleolinda: #gotliveread I'm scared of heights and creepy mothers so the Eyrie kinda freaked me out, Catelyn is just smart enough to get into trouble,
@cleolinda: #gotliveread Ned is terrible at court intrigue and it hurts my heart, and of course no one listens to Arya because that might actually help.
@cleolinda: #gotliveread In conclusion, tweet less, read faster or I won't be done by Thursday night and shame will come to House Speedreader.
@cleolinda: I mean basically. #gotliveread RT @snacky: Basically, Ned is playing checkers while everyone else around him is playing chess.
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p422 I'm guessing if you tell me someone's fighting with a pretty pretty sword, that sword's gonna die even harder than he is.
[Well, I wouldn't say it died as hard...]
@cleolinda: #gotliveread "I bet there's a Game of Thrones cookbook," I said to a friend of mine. "I saw it at Barnes & Noble," he said.
@house_of_books: The @InnAtCrossroads has created some great #GoT recipes. :)
@LaurieBaucum: http://www.innatthecrossroads.com/ The official GOT cooking blog. I've read their honey chicken recipe is excellent.
@kristenmchugh22: Ahem, @SizzlerKistler wrote one. It's awesome.
[Here's the two books.]
@cleolinda: I'm hungry, is what I'm saying. #gotliveread
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p443 Well that's a sad sad emo back story you got there, Tyrion. I hope you kill your father DEAD. With SHARKS. Full of BEES.
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p452 God, half of these characters are so young, I can't believe this show didn't end up on the CW.
@brandied_plum: they could've even reused the Dawson's Creek theme song: "I don't wanna wait for our lives to be over ..."
@cleolinda: #gotliveread Aaaand Varys just reminded Ned how much the executioner "loves his work." *facepalm*
@cleolinda: #gotliveread "I want to have his babies!" cried Sansa, doodling "Queen Mrs. Joffrey the Absolute Shit" on her Trapper Keeper
@cleolinda: #gotliveread "I promise to be as fine and noble and courteous as Queen Cersei!" said Sansa. "lol," said Ned.
@osheamobile: Her Royal Highness Mrs. Insufferable Shit, Mrs. Sansa Stark-Shit...
@osheamobile: Mrs. Sansa Malfoy-Stark
@cleolinda: #gotliveread "HODOR!" Sansa yelled. #hodor
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p467 "We are one person in two bodies. [DOT DOT DOT] I feel... whole." Come on, Cersei, I just ate, why you gotta do this.
@cleolinda: AUGH it just got worse #gotliveread RT @kitalita: sad and gross at the same time
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p470 Yeah, tell Cersei everything you know and tell her to just get up and exile herself, I'm sure she'll get right on that.
@redheadedgirl: @cleolinda http://i.imgur.com/e6WgISE.jpg
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p480 OH OH VISERYS BROUGHT A SWORD TO THE FEAST I BET THIS IS GON' GET GOOD
@cleolinda: #gotliveread YESSSS GET HIM A CROWN OF GOLD I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS
@cleolinda: #gotliveread Ahhhhhhh. #crownofgold #itgotgood
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p487 If it didn't mean King Shit the Little ascending to the throne, I'd be GLAD the king's dead, YOU IDIOT.
@cleolinda: #gotliveread God, just tell me Cersei paid the boar to kill him so I can want to slap him less.
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p491 OMG NED LISTEN TO RENLY, DO YOU EVEN GO HERE
@cleolinda: #gotliveread "His regency would be a short one" ALL THE PALMS FOR MY FACE
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p510 Shaking my head at dude who said out loud he was missing his wife. Like, of course you die first; them's the rules.
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p515 Aw, Syrio? It was like I thought we could have nice things or something.
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p529 GODDAMMIT, SANSA!!
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p550 "Hodor," said Hodor. #hodor
@sydk: THEORY: Hodor is a Pokemon. That's why all he says is "Hodor."
@Scarimonious: #gotliveread ? RT @NightValeRadio Listen to your heart. It's buzzing. You have a bee infestation. No sudden movements okay.
[And then I took a nap.]
@cleolinda: #gotliveread Catch up: Civil war has broken out, poor Sansa's still laboring under the delusion that any Lannisters give a shit about her,
@cleolinda: #gotliveread The rangers were like "sure just put those zombie dudes in the fridge with the steaks and the beer, I'm sure that'll be fine"
@cleolinda: #gotliveread and Ned's in a dungeon wringing his hands about honor even though DEMONSTRABLY no1curr.
@cleolinda: #gotliveread Last 160 pages, guys. Home stretch.
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p649 The Lamb Men godswife is a physician! Burn her, BURN HER
[Note from the future: OH MY GOD]
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p664 WAAAAAR
@cleolinda: #gotliveread Also, given that I know what happened in that most recent episode, the scene at Walder Frey's was one long shaking-of-head.
@cleolinda: #gotliveread OH GROSS I FORGOT ABOUT THE SPIKE ON TYRION'S HELMET
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p670 "No one was safe. No life was certain." And then I dodged a falling anvil.
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p672 Oh, look. Shrikes. #crossingthestreams
@cleolinda: #gotliveread ahahaha they captured Jaime LOL @ U, TYWIN
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p688 So... forbidden blood magic, that sounds like a good idea.
@cleolinda: #gotliveread WELL THIS ESCALATED QUICKLY
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p701 Ohhhh dear, we're confessing some treason up in here, it's about to get horrible.
@cleolinda: #gotliveread OH COME ON NOW, WITH HIS OWN SWORD NOW
@cleolinda: #gotliveread Sean Bean: the greatest foreshadowing of all.
@KerriMaryBerry: Seriously the Stark motto should be "I Have Made A Huge Mistake" or "I Really Didn't Think This Through."
@cleolinda: #gotliveread I just keep imagining the Stark crest as a direwolf with OH, HONEY, NO scrolled beneath it.
@queenofthedorks: I already had Illustrator open and it seemed like a good idea. New and improved Stark Crest. http://img.ly/vevi
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p705 "Hodor could be my legs. We could be a knight together." "I think that... unlikely." #hodor
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p711 "Ooh, seven hells, that burns, no, don't stop, more." #fiftygamesofgrey
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p712 OMG NO ONE CARES ABOUT THE MAGIC FOREST PEOPLE RIGHT NOW, BRAN, CAN IT WAIT?!
@cleolinda: #gotliveread (I like Osha lots, though)
@cleolinda: #gotliveread King Shit the Little, forgive me. I was wrong. You are THE BIGGEST SHIT OF ALL
@cleolinda: #gotliveread So I'm now imagining Joffrey as that kid from the Twilight Zone who wishes people into the cornfield.
@cleolinda: DAMMIT, BRUCE! #gotliveread RT @AurRhudd: Just remember that he used to be that kid that Batman saved. http://galeri7.uludagsozluk.com/224/joffrey-baratheon_327509.jpg
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p724 "Wipe off the blood, you're all messy." PUSH HIM OFF THE TOWER, SANSA! DOOOO IIIIIT
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p755 Aw, it's like Jon's got a whole gang of Nevilles to set him right.
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p768 "But if Joffrey is the lawful king" YES, LET'S TALK ABOUT THAT wait no one else knows DAMMIT, NED
@kitalita: DAMMIT NED: Book One of A Song of Ice and Fire
@cleolinda: #gotliveread p779 I'm going to pretend I'm not a little weirded out right now because MOTHER OF DRAGONS!! \o/
So I succeeded in my cunning plan, which was to finish Game of Thrones in plenty of time to rest up for Hannibal tonight, since I usually hit the ground running and start putting the recap together the moment I'm done shaking my fist at the NEXT WEEK ON previews. I impulsively decided to squeeze the book in after my sister convinced me on Monday night; even if I do this for the second book, I'd like to wait until 1) my sister's finished it and 2) we've finished out the last three episodes of the Hannibal season because I'm hellbent on recapping the entire season just to say I finished something for once and also I am tired, you guys. Also-also, I haven't looked at comments received since Tuesday morning, so I hope everyone's okay back there.
P.S. SPOILER POLICY FOR THE COMMENTS: I know a number of things that happen later on, but for consistency, let's only talk about things that happen in the first book or TV season. Discuss.