Catch-up recap! Don't forget, the "big" "twist" is "tomorrow."
Okay, so--I watched this on Friday, but circumstances prevented me from actually writing the recap. Thank God for SoapNet reruns. Smash! Jan goes running to see what Shawn's gotten into from the Love Cage. Nicole flashes back to her deal with Crystal, who's prepared to rat her out if she doesn't get some cash ASAP. Shawn has kicked something over while trying to Cirque du Soleil his way out of the handcuffs, and Jan finds the keys (you may remember from the previous episode that he ended up accidentally flipping them across the room) and starts yelling at him. Shawn tries to charm his way out of the cuffs, but Jan pronounces him notty and starts whipping him with a highly ineffectual... pointy... thing.
Cemetery. Sami wants another moment alone with the casket. Blah blah bitter little girl blee blee adult resentment blah blah gone forever now. Celeste starts hearing the flock-of-bats sound again. Her breasts are concerned. Sami sobs. Marlena begins banging on the coffin from the inside and shrieking Sami's name. Sami freaks out. Never mind that we were very pointedly shown a scene last week where Marlena's blood was replaced with embalming fluid. And that star writer James Reilly was a medical student. Nah, Marlena's totally still alive! Commercials.
Love Cage. "Bad, naughty Shawn!" WHP-CHAAAA! Shawn insists that he isn't lying at that he wants her, so--Crazy Jan Cleaver jumps on him and starts kissing his chest. Nicole, from the next room: "WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS RIGHT NOW!" She calls Jan's phone and tells her to book it to the bank.
Cemetery. Sami: "She's alive! Yay!" The assorted cast members start trying to convince Sami that she's off her nut. Belle starts pleading with John just to check, and Celeste insists that Marlena is alive. Hope and John ask her to cool it with the psychic death vibes. John reveals that Celeste "almost" had him convinced that Marlena was alive. Sami: "AND YOU DIDN'T STOP THE FUNERAL?!?! JOHN!!!!" Lexie starts telling her mother to chill and leave everyone to their grief.
Marlena's coffin. "Sami... Sami... it's getting hard to... breathe...!" Insert your own eyeroll here. Commercials.
Chez Crazy. Nicole manages to get Jan out of the Love Cage. Shawn: "Who is that! WHO IS THAT!" Nicole's going to have to watch Shawn (without letting on that it's her, of course), and Crazy Jan Cleaver warns her no touchie.
Cemetery. Sami starts shrieking at John to open the casket and then tries to open it herself. Marlena's pleas for help are growing faint. Sami: "WHY WON'T THIS THING OPEN??" Uh, because they sealed it in accordance with the law? Celeste hears the bats again. I wonder if they're related to the bats who "attacked" Julie. Belle starts shrieking at John, too, and Sami shouts that John doesn't want Marlena saved, because she is CRAZY. John tentatively lays a hand on the coffin. Inside, Marlena reaches up to touch and... flop. Marlena, she ded. Again. John asks Mr. Mephistopheles if it's at all possible that Marlena is alive. Lexie points out that she declared Marlena dead; Marlena was shot through the heart; John held her as she died; and Mr. Mephistopheles adds that HE EMBALMED HER, THANK YOU, CAN WE BURY HER NOW? Marlena: *gasp sigh flop.* Marlena, she not ded yet. Still. Commercials.
Chez Crazy. Jan comes out in a spifforama new outfit for the bank. Nicole: "You realize that if you marry Shawn, you'll be... Jan Brady. Which somehow... would be... so fitting." Jan: "Who's Jan Brady?" Nicole: "Never mind." I may or may not be able to recap the rest of this scene, as now I ded from laughter. Nicole starts searching the house for the evidence Jan took from the Kiriakis safe and finds... Jan's Mrs. B. costume.
Cemetery. Sami shrieks and begs: "SHE'S DYING IN THERE!" New heights of hysteria, people. This actress is either the most stressed person on the planet, or she uses Sami's shriekiness as therapy and is ubermellow in real life. I have no idea which. Celeste tells John that if he lets Marlena "die" in this casket, he'll be fulfilling Caroline Brady's prophecy. You know, the one where John was supposed to shoot Marlena. Whatever. "OPEN THE COFFIN, DAMMIT!" barks John. Hope tells Mr. Mephistopheles to go ahead and do it; she's an officer of the law, yada yada. You know, it must be terribly convenient to have a group of friends/enemies/acquaintances that include a cop and a doctor at all times. I'm going to demand from now on that all my friends have useful occupations, the better to aid me in my
incredibly boring high-drama life.
JOHN: "OH MY GOD, DOC!" Commercials.
Love Cage. Enter... Old Lady Nicole! Nicole, to herself: "God, I feel like an idiot. At least he'll have no doubt that I'm Jan." She searches the room for evidence in silence, even though Shawn insists that he knows Mrs. B isn't real and that she's really Jan, and WHY WON'T SHE TALK TO HIM? Shawn: "COME ON, JAN! YOU JUST GOT! TO LET! ME GO!"
Cemetery. "Mom!" "My God!" "It's impossible!" Yeah, she's still dead. Hope has Lexie check just to be sure. Because the embalming fluid and complete lack of life, you know--you just can't be sure. Mr. Mephistopheles wants to continue with the burial, and Sami shrieks that he's a grave robber. You know, despite the fact that he wants to put the body in the grave. Lucas tells Sami to chill and brings out Will's First Stuffed Animal, Mr. White Bear With the Different-Colored Eyes That He Wanted Gramma Marlena to Take to Heaven. He puts it in the coffin. Sami sobs. They close the casket.
Marlena's Funeral, Day 43. Sami sobs. "It'll be like killing her all over again! Celeste! Tell them!" Celeste no longer feels Marlena's presence on this earth, nor does she hear the magical bats. Sami weeps hysterically on the coffin. Two gravediggers in blue jumpsuits are all like, "Okay! Awkward!" Philip, Brady, and Lucas go over to restrain her. John insists that they need to get this over with before God and the media and everyone find out they're burying Marlena and crash the party. Sami runs off out of the cemetery, but wobbles hilariously on her high heels this way and that. "I wish I could do something for your pain, Samantha," emotes John. Then he asks Philip to take "this very special lady," Belle, home. Brady opines bitterly that Shawn doesn't care about Belle or he'd be there for his [Brady's] sister.
Love Cage. Shawn is begging Nicole-not-Jan to let him out. Nicole slips into a hilarious fantasy in which it's Brady chained up and she's the one in a black lace negligee macking on him. And here's the reason I love the Nicole actress: she manages to maintain her dignity the whole time. Brady: "Yeah, yeah. I'm married to this woman in real life. The chest-kissing does not impress me." Commercials.
Stepford Wives commercial. I maintain that this movie would be much more believable if John Cusack hadn't had to drop out. Nicole Kidman just looks like she could eat Matthew Broderick on toast. Unless that's why he'd want to Stepfordize her in the first place...
Sami's apartment. "I can't believe they're burying her! She's not dead! She's--Will! OMG! He's going to have nightmares forever!" Of course, you don't have to tell him. She tells Lucas she has to go save her mom. Dude, why'd you go home in the first place then?
Belle's apartment. No messages from Shawn. Belle says she's going to make tea, because there's always time for tea on this show. Philip convinces her to lie down on the couch with her teddy bear and promises that she won't go through this alone. Belle: Shawn Shawn Shawn Shawn Shawn. Philip: *eyeroll.*
Love Cage. Shawn's all like, "Hello, earth to Jan. Talk to me." Nicole can't, because she's too busy imagining getting her Bradymack on. She tells Brady that she's the ultimate bad girl. Brady looks like she burnt his toast. Then he sees the light and they start making out.
Cemetery. Hope and John bicker over Shawn while Brady watches, and then John apologizes and tells Hope she's been a good friend. UNLIKE BO. Then they bicker about Bo. "I'm sorry, but Bo is my husband and Shawn is my son!" says Hope. John: "Yeah, well, Marlena was my wife." I half expect Brady to bust in with, "And she wasn't my mother, but John is my father! You know, while we're stating the obvious here!" Commercials.
Love Cage. Imaginary Brady tells Nicole that, okay, well, yeah, he does want her, and if she unlocks him, they'll get their freak on. Cut to reality, where Mrs. B. Nicole is unlocking Shawn in a daze. The ringing of the phone wakes her up and Nicole runs for her
sanity life. She flashes back to her daydream out in the hall and gasps that she's "losin' it! I'm turning into Jan!"
Sami's apartment. Lucas: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN! MARLENA, SHE DED! Sami says she can never close her eyes again, because she imagines her mother buried alive. Lucas holds her and keeps repeating that Marlena is dead and not buried alive and she needs to chill.
Cemetery. John and Hope bicker over whether Kerouac Shawn is avoiding Belle on purpose or not. Brady: Whatever, dude, let's just go home. John leaves a single red rose on Marlena's plot. Their love is eternal, etc. He marches out manfully and takes Brady with him. Lexie and Celeste's breasts discuss whether "the horror" is over yet. Celeste's breasts insist that there is more to come, but they can't tell Lexie when or what will happen. Lexie: *facepalm.*
Marlena's coffin. Buzzing noise. Marlena opens her eyes and finds Will's bear. "Oh no! They've really buried me! No! NOOOOO! YOU'VE MADE A MISTAKE! NOOOOO!"
Previews. Shawn begs Mrs. B. Nicole to let him go. Lucas warns Sami that she'll never be happy if she doesn't chill. Hope insists that Shawn's in trouble somewhere. Marlena is still shocked to find herself in a coffin.