The Big Twist, and we have to start off with Bonnie yammering in a cowgirl hat. She is trying to "visually lasso Mickey Horton in her mind's eye," and to practice, she has... a real lasso...? Max the dog turns into Not Mickey before her eyes. She closes her eyes and lassos... Mimi.
Crazy Jan picks up a paper declaring Marlena laid to rest. I heart Jan's suit. That is all.
Chez Crazy. Shawn starts shouting that he needs to go to the bathroom, and pleads with Mrs. B. Nicole to let him go. Nicole slips back into her Bradymack fantasy. She whispers, "Brady," and Shawn sits bolt upright: "YOU'RE NOT JAN!"
Bo and Hope sit outside at some café. Hope tells Bo that Sami's a wreck, but leave her alone, because bitch is crazy.
House of Bitch. Sami goes through photo albums. Wahhh, photos, wahhh. She is utterly alone. "You have me, Sami," says Lucas.
Cemetery: A little white rabbit bops over Marlena's grave, while inside she howls, "Help me!" WTF? We are treated to a underground cross-section of worms and earth piled over the casket. I think I just threw up a little in my mouth. "HELP ME PLEEEEEAAAAASE!" Commercials. Jewel sells out some more on the Schick Intuition commercial. I mean, you know, not that there's anything wrong with that. I'll sell out for money, or even food, or maybe a little chewing gum. Call me.
Not Tuscany, now known as Alice's Bar, because I'm afraid people are going to forget it was ever called Tuscany anyway. Mimi: WTF? She correctly divines that Bonnie wants to rope Not Mickey.
House of Bitch. Lucas tries to comfort Sami. Again. Somewhere, Job is watching this and thinking, "Dude, kick her to the curb already." Sami can't believe it blah blah blee. Lucas reminds her that she got them to open the casket, and Marlena was dead, so CHILL: "She's finally at rest."
Cemetery of Unrest. Marlena sobs for help. More worms. Classy. She sobs for John, for Sami, for Eric (who?), for Belle. (I mean, I know Eric's her son, but I've never, ever seen him.) Commercials.
Café. Bo and Hope discuss Sami's grief, Marlena's death, Bo's anger, etc.
Love Cage. Shawn doesn't know who's in the Mrs. B costume, but he's sure that he knows her. He tells Nicole his name and that Marlena is dead and that he needs to get back to Belle and that Jan is crazy and he's afraid he will never escape this cage and HASN'T NICOLE EVER BEEN IN LOVE? Imaginary Shirtless Brady appears to tell Nicole to set Shawn free. (Ooo, Lawsy, Jan gon' kill her.)
Alice's Bar. Bonnie and Mimi bicker. I like Mimi, but... NEXT! Ooo, wait, Mimi threatens to spill "the real Bonnie Lockhart" to Not Mickey, who... walks in right then: "Too late. I already know."
House of Bitch. She smiles at a picture of Will. Lucas compliments her smile. JUST DO IT ALREADY. Lucas says that Sami is an amazing mom. I... wow, has he watched this show lately? Sami starts snipping about making John pay for Marlena's death, etc.
Cemetery of Unrest. Marlena starts gasping the Lord's Prayer. She gets a lot further into it than most people do in movies or TV. Her coffin starts to get sort of floaty. Then there's a crash as she and the coffin fall through the earth through the burning, flaming, lava pits of hell. I guess. I'm not kidding. Commercials. Keep an eye for for Celebrity Poker on Bravo, by the way.
Love Cage. Imaginary Shirtless Brady tells Nicole that she's doing the right thing, making both Belle and Shawn happy. Then Nicole realizes that Shawn will totally turn Jan in, who will turn her in. She leaves with the keys as Shawn screams after her.
Café. Bo: "Hey! You in the hat! You dropped something!" Crazy Jan picks up her envelope of bail cash and makes a run for it. Hope and Bo continue discussing Kerouac Shawn's disappearance. Bo says that it hasn't even been 24 hours since Shawn left (thanks for placing us in space and time there, babe), but he has "a little pull down at the station" (coughchiefofpolicecough), and he'll put out word for everyone to look out for Shawn. Crazy Jan smirks to herself that they'll never, ever find Shawn. Commercials.
Alice's Bar. Not Mickey is referring to the flowers Bonnie sent to the house. That's the real Bonnie Lockhart. Right. Mimi gets the hell out of there. Bonnie spikes Not Mickey's iced tea. Uh, don't you think he'll notice that? "Uh, that's a Kentucky recipe there, isn't it?" Snerk. Not Mickey reveals that he couldn't bring himself to actually attend the funeral, because he's so alone. Hon, don't walk right into her trap! Bonnie: "Is there anything I can do?" Not Mickey: "You could do me the honor of accepting this." He holds out a little grey box OH NO YOU DI-INT.
House of Bitch. Sami refuses to believe that anyone suffers the same pain that she does. Lucas: "Oh, come on, pain is pain!" Lucas defends Bo's shoot-to-kill order. Sami is still in denial, and insists that John set Marlena up. Bicker, bicker, bicker. Lucas insists he's on Sami's side, and that she'll be unhappy if she doesn't chill. Sami says that her life ended when her mother died.
Coffin of Unrest. Marlena hears some sort of electric power tool. Maybe a saw. The coffin opens. White light. Marlena gasps. Commercials. If I see one more commercial for low-carb anything, I'm gonna scream.
Café. Hope tells Bo that John's furious at Shawn and thinks he's not good enough for Belle. Bo says maybe Belle isn't good enough for Shawn. Blah blah bicker bicker.
Chez Crazy. Crazy Jan returns, having bailed out Crystal and left money in a locker at the bus station for her. Crazy Jan insists that by the time the Bradys find Shawn, Shawn will be "deeply in love" with her, and that he's not there against his will anyway. Nicole: o_O. Crazy Jan pulls out the other fruit of her excursion into town: a new red silk negligee.
Alice's Bar. Bonnie opens the box, and it's a brooch, thank God. And Bonnie has the grace to be delighted by it. And it was one of Maggie's pins--the one he gave her when she opened Tuscany, and he would know when it was time to give it to someone else. Bonnie cries and says she can't accept it. Wow, that was so incredibly decent of her. Mimi from her hiding place (under a table?) is touched. Commercials. We're back. Bonnie says she wouldn't feel right, and that it was Maggie's, and he should keep it. Not Mickey insists and pins it on her. Bonnie: *swoon.* Exit Not Mickey, re-enter Mimi and Max the dog. Bonnie berates herself for not taking advantage of Not Mickey, but Mimi insists that she's proud. Stupid Bonnie doesn't even realize that she probably did exactly the right thing. She lassos Max the dog.
Utopian downtown Salem. Bo assures Hope that Shawn's just fine and they did the right thing.
Love Cage. Shawn looks bored out of his mind. Enter Crazy Jan in her new negligee. Shawn asks after Jan's accomplice. In response, she throws herself on him.
Chez Kiriakis. Bradymack flashback. Really, they're getting a lot of mileage out of this, aren't they? Enter Brady, asking why Nicole didn't go to the funeral. Nicole: "Uh, you said you didn't want me to." Oh, look, it's Crystal at the door! Nicole looks ill.
House of Bitch. Sami throws another pity party, and you're invited! This is going to sound crazy, but I think that if Sami would just pretend to deal with things, she would eventually forget she was pretending and she would just start dealing with them. Try it yourself sometime. Lucas assures Sami that Marlena's in heaven. Editing of Irony in three... two...
Some Technicolor Tropicana. Marlena wanders through the tropical flora in her white funeral suit. She passes "Salem Place Cinema" and runs into someone on a bench. It's... Alice! Alice has been waiting for her. Marlena flops down onto the bench. Marlena: "I knew it! I'm ... dead!" Alice: "No you're not! I'm alive, you're alive, we're all alive!"
Previews: Lucas asks Sami out on a date. John and Kate discuss Roman and Marlena being together in heaven ("Are you jealous?"). Marlena: "How did I get here?" Voice of Roman: "I carried you!"
And that's why there was only one set of footprints on the beach.