ETA: An interesting Salon article on this national phenomenon where everyone's talking about the Salem Stalker plotline--even people who aren't watching the show--thanks to the bizarro commercials NBC runs 24/7. Get a free day pass to read it.
Sunny Salem square. Shawn isn't answering the phone when Bo calls. Bo posits that he may not even know that Marlena is dead. Bo adds to Hope that the horror isn't over until Victor's killer is caught, and Nicole is suspect #1. Hope wonders if they'll ever have enough evidence to charge her.
Chez Kiriakis. It's Crystal! Hi, Crystal!
House of Bitch. Lucas says Will is spending the night at Grandpa Sean's. Nothing can cheer Sami up. Lucas asks her out to dinner. JUST DOOOO IT.
Basic Black. Kate gazes at a picture of Lucas. John talks to a sympathetic young receptionist. Kate has stayed up and done the reports for him. My God, WORK IS GETTING DONE! Kate and John have thrown themselves into work after the deaths ("deaths") of their respective spouses. Kate says they will help each other ("help each other") get through it.
Bizarro Salem. Marlena remembers falling through the depths of hell (or the core of the Earth, I dunno) and running into Alice. She wakes up in a chair in--what, a happy tropical version of the penthouse? I'm not sure. She hugs a nearby Alice all over again. Is it me, or is the--no, it's definitely not me, the opening music is different. A little more triumphant and orchestral. Commercials.
House of Bitch. Sami doesn't want to go out to dinner, has right to grieve, leave her alone, etc. Lucas: WOMAN, JUST GO TO THE OLIVE GARDEN WITH ME. Lucas threatens to call his mom and hang out with her instead. Ew, Lucas. Don't blackmail women into going out with you by using your mom, dude.
Kate's office, Basic Black. Kate and John hit the booze. What is Basic Black, anyway? I've only been watching this since, oh, say, last August, and I've never seen any work actually get done there. John tells Kate about the "Premature Burial" bit. Way to go, John--she'll never let Sami forget about that. John recaps how Marlena Could Not Possibly Be Alive.
Editing of Irony, Tropical Paradise. Alice: "You must have so many questions!" NO. SHIT. Marlena thinks she's still in her casket hallucinating, and tries to wake herself up, because she is A MORON. (Seriously? If you're buried alive and slowly asphyxiating and you magically wake up in a tropical paradise--WHY DO YOU WANT TO REGAIN CONSCIOUSNESS?) Marlena flashes back to killing Alice. Alice points out that she's still alive, and insists that Marlena didn't kill her, and that Marlena didn't die. Flashback: Marlena is dramatically shot and dies in John's arms. Well, starts dying, anyway. Marlena tells Alice what happened, and how it was the most horrible few hours of her life, and that there was a funeral, and yet Marlena is talking to Alice right now, and COULD WE PLEASE STOP TREADING WATER AND GET TO THE EXPLANATIONS! Marlena asks how she got from Salem Place to Alice's house (so that's where we are). Voice: "I carried you!" Marlena: "Oh! Is it! No! Really! Yay!" Woman, just turn around and look, okay? It's Roman, in a hilarious red Hawaiian shirt, standing at the window beaming at her. Marlena pulls her hair with joy. No, really. Commercials.
The One Fancy Restaurant in Salem. Sami reminisces how the last time they were there, a DiMera gang tried to have her killed. What? Oh, look, it's Bo and Hope out for dinner, too! This will not end well. There is some random scene with a middle-aged woman asking her son why he can't find a nice woman like Hope (or maybe Sami--I wasn't looking at the screen just then), and the guy says, in this totally faaa-bulous tone, "Oh, I've already found the perfect woman, Mom!" The hilarity is matched only by the randomness, I swear.
Chez Kiriakis. Nicole snippily introduces Crystal to Brady as a porn star and reminds her that Brady is her step-grandson. "You two should work together," enthuses Crystal, "the grandson-grandmother angle is hot." *Luff.* Nicole starts dragging Crystal to the door, at which point Crystal demands that Nicole recognize, or she'll spill her involvement in Marlena's death. Brady overhears Marlena's name and, as is his wont, pops up and goes, "Say what?" Commercials.
Basic Black. John worries about Sami. Kate badmouths Sami. John wants to keep an eye on her, and says that she's "in good hands" (i.e., Lucas), and Kate explodes. Kate recaps how she promised Roman to "bury the hatchet" with Sami, and that she hasn't, and she's afraid that Roman is "up there looking down and judging me." John assures her that Roman would understand. They discuss what the afterlife might be like (I think John alludes to a previous point in the show when he was a priest) and John insists that Marlena is in heaven. Kate points out that Marlena and Roman might be in heaven together, and John asks jealously if Kate's jealous.
Speak-of-the-Devil Editing, Bizarro Salem. Roman says something really weird about "the stuff they gave us to simulate death." Marlena remembers killing Roman. If this is going to turn into some bizarre meta thing about the soap-writer-as-God, I'm going to scream. Marlena, tearfully: "Oh.... OH... OHHHH...I know what's happening here." Share with the rest of the class, please. Commercials.
(You know what's going to be really odd? When Marlena runs into Bizarro Tony. Didn't she really hate him? You can tell I'm relatively new to this, can't you?)
Passions commercial: Sheridan and Luis! Back together! Again! For the third time in eight months!
Chez Kiriakis. I was interrupted here, but I come back to hear Crystal nattering on about Attack of the Seven-Foot Sexpot and "how hard it is to get into those art house pornos." Crystal fabricates a bunch a shit for Brady's benefit about raising money for a fund for her old psychiatrist Marlena. And she wants Nicole to match her funds. NOW.
The One Fancy Restaurant in Salem. Lucas is trying to steal Sami's steak fries and feed them to Sami with the whole "airplane" method. Sami: Dude, we have a four-year-old, but it ain't me. Sami jokes that maybe aggravation is what's been missing from their relationship: "Make me mad!" Lucas offers instead to dance. Sami disses Chloe randomly ("Maybe that's why there's no one on the dance floor--Chloe Lane is up next!" Lucas: OH SNAP). They get up to dance. They are so going to run into Bo and Hope, I can't even tell you. Hope says she feels bad celebrating so soon after tragedy. Bo opines that Marlena's death was inevitable, and he wants to remember her as a loving friend. Well, that's big of him. Hope kisses him and thanks him for the sentiment. Lucas dips Sami, and she spies--Bo and Hope. OH, BIATCH, IT'S ON. Sami charges Bo and tries to slap him, but Bo grabs her wrist. Commercials.
Basic Black. Kate: "Jealous? Of my dead husband and your dead wife?" Uh, yes, that's what the man said. Kate rambles about Marlena's confession and her whole "I loved Roman too much" motivation. John expresses his eternal confusion on that point, and Kate apologizes for her insensitivity. Blah blah angsty blah. They end up going for dinner, as the camera focuses on a photo of Roman.
Bizarro Salem. Marlena has decided that this is her eternal punishment. Roman denies this. Alice says, "Oh! Maybe she'd like a donut!" Marlena: "NOOOOO! I KILLED YOU WITH DONUTS!" Alice decides to be dense and ask why she'd offer Marlena donuts if Marlena had killed her. "BECAUSE THIS IS A TERRIBLE TWISTED DREAM!" cries Marlena. Roman decides it's time to tell Marlena something shocking: "Are you ready for the truth?" YES, DAMMIT! Commercials.
Chez Kiriakis. Nicole sends Brady off for water and aspirin from the butler. "You've got some butler action goin' on? Groovy!" cries Crystal. "Well, I'll go ask our bitchin' butler for some aspirin," Brady says, oozing with sarcasm. Oh, and apparently Crystal lied about having a kid. And she wants a room in the mansion.
The One Fancy Restaurant in Salem. Bo insists they were toasting Marlena's memory, and that he did not kill Marlena, and he called the shoot-to-kill order off. Lucas tries to hustle her away, but fails to before Sami declares that she blames Bo for everything. Exit Bo and Hope. Back at their table, Sami declares that Bo is not even a Brady, just Victor's bastard son. "Only one thing could make this night worse for me!" she proclaims. Enter John and Kate. Sigh. Commercials.
Chez Kiriakis. Brady returns. Crystal is delighted to discover that they have a cook, and she will love living here! She asks Brady to show her to her "deluxe accommodations." Brady: "Uh... sure... I'll show you to... a guest room."
The One Fancy Restaurant in Salem. Lucas tell Sami to stay away from sharp objects. Heh. John and Kate approach the table. Kate makes the mistake of saying that they just want to look after Sami like her mother and father would have wanted. Sami declares she's glad her parents are dead (Gasp! Shock! No!), because now they'll be together in heaven forever.
Bizarro Salem. Roman: "Everything that happened back in Salem was a lie. Lots of things were an illusion. Some things still are. This isn't Alice's house, for example. Someone has built an exact replica of Alice's house and put Alice in it." Salem has been reconstructed and populated it with the residents of Real Salem. If this involves Stefano, I will not be happy. Marlena realizes that this means she didn't kill anyone, and everyone's still alive. She starts freaking out with joy. Seriously, Deirdre Hall is hilarious when she freaks out--there's something so grandma-esque about it.
Previews. Marlena has fainted in Roman's arms. Lexie thanks someone for something, I didn't catch who (damn keyboard not being in front of the TV). Kate and John talk about something at The One Fancy Restaurant in Salem. Sami gets a call--"Brandon?"