Didn't get to the keyboard until halfway through, but here goes--a lot of it from memory:
Lexie-Tek flirt action. Didn't see much of this.
Bizarro Alice's House. Roman tells Marlena that everyone's really alive. Marlena: "I feel so bad... Abe! I killed Abe! Wait a minute... no! Could it be? Do you think... Abe could be alive?" Marlena is astonishingly dense for a PhD. Enter Abe with a warm welcome. Marlena bursts into tears and faints in Roman's arms.
Lexie's having problems getting toys (a train set? Not sure) put together for Theo. Tek has come over and she asks him for
Tek tech support. Not kidding. He sets up the toys in 0.5 seconds and Lexie says she misses Abe, because even though she can perform surgery, she can't put toys together. (She said it, not me.) She bursts into tears and ends up in Tek's arms. I'm sensing a theme here.
Bizarro Alice's House. Marlena wakes up and tells Roman that she had the strangest dream! Abe was alive! And he was standing right there! "I am here," he says, and walks back into the room. Marlena bursts into happy tears of squee all over again.
The One Fancy Restaurant in Salem. Lucas takes Sami over to Belle, who wants to take Sami "to talk to someone." Lucas informs Kate that he wants to have a family with Sami and marry her someday, so BACK OFF.
Bizarro Alice's House. Roman explains that they're trapped on a tropical island with a town built to look just like Salem. My favorite part is when Abe explains that he
died arrived first and found the town empty, "like an episode of the Twilight Zone," and searched for Lexie and Theo for days. And then he realized it wasn't the real Salem. You know, I would have thought that the 5000 tropical flowers poking into every door and window might have tipped him off. Roman adds that they've deduced, from the "tropical weather," that they're somewhere... "in the tropics." Again: the hibiscus up your ass should have been your first clue, hon.
Marlena's grave. Belle hands her cell phone to Sami, who answers: "Brandon...?"
Bizarro Alice's House. Roman and Abe miss Kate and Lexie. Marlena tells Roman that Kate is still suffering, and that she feels responsible. Marlena insists that they're all dead and she deserves to be punished and she's in hell. Roman chases after her.
Marlena's grave. Sami tells Brandon over the phone (riveting action!) that she felt like she died when he left (oh, good. I'm sure that broke the ice), and she's not sure she can do "what [he's] asking." We are not privileged with the specifics at this moment.
The One Fancy Restaurant in Salem. Lucas used to work for a mobster? Heh. Anyway. Kate and Lucas bicker about Sami. Lucas tells her that none of her tricks will keep him from Sami. John answers his phone: "Doc?"
Bizarro Salem. Marlena is calling from a pay phone, but Roman makes her hang up. "The phones only work locally," he tells her, even though she apparently got John's cell phone. Yeah. Roman's trying real hard to escape. Commercials.
Bizarro Alice's House. Alice brings Abe fresh cookies and consoles him re: missing Lexie and Theo. That's right--Alice left a lot later than he did, so she saw Lexie grieving. Abe says that he thought they would be rescued from the island, but "this--plot" is so complicated and carefully planned that he may never see Real Salem again. He adds reluctantly that he's even hoped that Lexie and Theo would join him, but it's a terrible thing to be a prisoner, and that's bad bad bad. I dunno, I wouldn't mind living in a paradise cut off from "everything real." I mean, Roman has already said that they have "every creature comfort." I figure, margaritas and a DVD player, we ought to be fine.
Lexie and Celeste argue about whether Tek is into Lexie (Celeste says he is) and if she's ready to move on (neither thinks Lexie is ready, so... what are we arguing about?). Lexie says she has to accept that Abe is never coming back.
Bizarro Salem. Roman insists that this isn't hell--it's an island with no way off, no boats, etc. Marlena reminds him that everyone thinks they're dead and she killed them, and she's worried the most about Sami.
Marlena's grave. Sami tells Belle what she and Brandon talked about: he told her not to let the pain overwhelm her, and... he's not coming back, and she needs to move on. Thanks, Brandon. That was helpful. Belle and Sami hug tearfully. Commercials.
The One Fancy Restaurant in Salem. John is left muttering "Doc? Doc?" into his cell phone. He clicks back over to Brady (left him on hold) and tells him that he thought he just got a phantom phone call. Insert your own Brady eye roll here. Kate harps at Lucas to "stay strong" and resist Sami. Lucas bitches back that his relationship with Sami is only going to get better, and he wants them to be a family for Will. Seriously, Kate needs to mellow.
Marlena's grave. You know, I just noticed that it's plain daylight--I thought everyone was at the One Restaurant for dinner. I know it's almost June, but it looks like one in the afternoon. Anyway. Sami tells Belle that she can never be with Lucas because she doesn't want to risk the pain.
Bizarro Salem. Marlena tells Roman about Sami's reaction to Marlena's confession--Sami would never believe that Marlena did it (Roman expected Sami to keel Marlena). Roman is proud of Sami for believing in Marlena, even though to all appearances Marlena hacked him with a knife. I don't know. Roman is disappointed to hear that Sami and Kate are on the outs. Marlena tells him that Sami wants Mommy and Daddy to be together, because she's four.
Bizarro Alice's House. Abe worries that Lexie will find someone else and move on--particularly since he told her to. If I get married, and something happens to my husband, I will never be able to see other men because I will always be worried that he's trapped in a tropical Bizarro Birmingham somewhere. Woe.
Lexie and Celeste: Not ready, need to move on, blah. Celeste gets "a very disturbing vibration"--"Something is very wrong!" Commercials.
The One Fancy Restaurant in Salem. Kate bitch bitch bitches about Lucas to John. John bitters about both of them finding their soul mates and then losing them.
Marlena's grave. Lucas overhears Sami say that she could never love Kate's son, and she swears (rather flippantly) on her mother's grave that it'll never happen. Lucas then runs away to the moors and disappears for several years, leaving Sami to wail in the Yorkshire rain and marry the guy next door.
Lexie, Tek, Celeste; wash, rinse, repeat. Really, I like these characters, but this storyline is totally blah.
Bizarro Alice's House. Abe worries about Lexie.
Bizarro Salem. Roman admits that Sami probably never would give up her dreams of her parents reuniting. Marlena says the dream is over. Roman adds that the whole thing is a living nightmare. For once in her life, Marlena figures something out: Roman's hiding something. Like, say, who's behind all this. Five bucks says "Stefano."
Previews: Crazy Jan shrieks that Belle is a "whiny, self-important, cuter-than-thou WHORE!" I missed the next two bits because I was laughing too hard. Marlena finally realizes that the other "dead" people are therefore on the island (hello! duh!), and Roman says he'll take her to them.