So. Flashback. We see Charlie-not-Merry run from the stewardesses into the sweet, sweet embrace of Crackfarthing (Crackfarthing or Smackfarthing? Actually, I think it was Smackfarthing) in the bathroom and then the stewardesses come to get him and he tries to flush it and CRASH!
Harold Perrineau and his kid are out looking for the Yellow Labrador of Doom but find a pair of handcuffs instead, and Harold Perrineau's Kid is all like, "OMG DAD! THE DINOSAURS ARE INTO S&M!" and Harold Perrineau is all like, "Uh... son... well, sometimes, when two dinosaurs love each other very much... uh... I WAS MERCUTIO IN ROMEO + JULIET!" And the kid's all like, "Wow, that was you?" And Harold Perrineau is all like, Whew, and the kid's like, "Weren't you a drag queen in that movie?," and Harold Perrineau is all like, "Uh... I... LOOK! THE DINOSAURS ARE KINKY!"
Meanwhile, back at the Rancho Beacho, Charlie-not-Merry, Dr. Jack-not-Charlie, and Kate Notinsale all make it back unmangled, which is more than we can say for Pilot Greg (RIP). Snicker Bitch is sunbathing on the beach and literally could not be portrayed as a bigger bitch unless she asked a man with skin cancer and no arms to help her with the tanning oil.
On the other side of the beach, Some Arabic Guy and Some White Jackhole are having a rumble, and Jack and Mercutio pull them apart and Some White Jackhole is all like "OMG HE'S A TERRORIST!" and Some Arabic Guy is like "OMG NUH-UH!" and we go on like that ("YUH-HUH!" "NUH-UH!") for like fifteen minutes and finally Dr. Jack is all like "We found the transceiver so EVERYBODY STFU RIGHT NOW. P.S. It's broken and we can't fix it." So of course Arabic Guy is the only one who has the first clue how to fix it, and he's like, "Well, the batteries are almost dead, so we're gonna have to hike to the highest point of the island to get a signal," and Kate looks up the mountain and the camera keeps cutting back to her face every 500 miles of mountain and like fifteen minutes later she's still looking up and she's all like, "Oh, shit," and Arabic Guy is like, "Man, I knew I never shoulda walked out on Juliette Binoche." So we'll call him Lt. Kip. (Also, he fought in the Gulf War. On the other side.) Jackhole is still a jackhole, though.
Kate finds Dr. Jack working on Shrapnel Guy, and let's just say she's got a reason to hope Shrapnel Guy doesn't come around, and Dr. Jack is all like, "Well, if the shrapnel stays in, he won't. If I take it out, and I control the blood loss, and we find antibiotics, and a hospital magically appears on the beach, he might make it," and she's all like, "Jack! We're gonna hike! In the jungle! You know, with the invisible CIA mechasaurs! SURELY YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO COME WITH US AND PREVENT YOUR LOVE INTEREST FROM GETTING EATEN?" But the reverse psychology bit doesn't work and he's like, "Nope, gonna stay here with Shrapnel Guy," and Kate's like, "DAMMIT."
Back to Charlie, sneaking out into the woods back to the sweet embrace of Old Smacky.
Brother Verve (man, I used to love those Young Americans recaps) finds Snicker Bitch staring at some dead body and having a meltdown, like, weren't you just getting your tan on five minutes ago? Jesus, a spoiled brat with moodswings. They start fighting and she's all like "OMG I HAVE BEEN THROUGH TRAUMA!" and Verve is all like, "BECAUSE THE REST OF US ARE KICKING BACK AT THE HILTON! GOD! WHAT IS YOUR DAMAGE?" And speaking of Hiltons, can I just say that if Paris or Nicky were on this show I would have killed myself by now? Anyway. She up and decides that she wants to go hiking up to the top of the universe with Kate and Lt. Kip and High Charlie, and Verve and Snicker Bitch totally have the most amazing screaming fight in front of complete strangers that I've ever seen. And Kate's like, "Uh... I don't think you should go," and Snicker Bitch is like, "DON'T LISTEN TO MY BROTHER!," and Kate's like, "No, I just think you're a complete and total freakbitch, is all." But there's no stopping Snicker Bitch, so she and Verve and--hey, look, Jackhole's going with them, too!--and HALF THE FRICKIN' CAST go hiking.
I forget exactly what order everything happened in and, more to the point, I don't really care, so we're going to smush a few things in here:
Mercutio tries to bond with his kid and fails miserably, so Mercutio's Kid wanders off to Creepy O'Quinn playing backgammon on the beach, and Mercutio's Kid is all like, "Yeah, so, my mom died, my plane crashed, and my dog ran away," and Creepy O'Quinn is like, "Dude, you're one divorce away from a hit country album." He then explains the game of backgammon to Mercutio's Kid thusly: "There are two players, and TWO SIDES. One is LIGHT... the other is DARK. This is in no way a metaphor for the rest of the show or at all ripped off from The Stand. What? I said nothing!" Mercutio's Kid: "*crickets*" Oh, and then Creepy O'Quinn's like, "Can I tell you a secret?" And then WE DON'T HEAR WHAT IT IS.
The Korean (?) guy is a total jackass to his wife (?), but I can't tell what he was slicing up for food (something orange--Nemo?) or if he refused to give her any because she spoke to Mercutio or because she unbuttoned her sweater or because Eat Drink Man Not Woman or what. Woman covertly re-unbuttons her sweater JUST TO STICK IT TO THE MAN. He offers Orange Slicy Fish to everyone else, though. Hurley--you know, the big guy--just laughs in Man's face. Man gives Pregnant Chick some and she's like "OMG YOU REVIVED MY BABY! FEEL IT KICK!" and he's all like "EWWWW GIRLY PARTS RUN AWAY!"
Lt. Kip and the Jackhole, who should totally fight crime if they ever stop bitching at each other, bitch at each other.
Dr. Jack has Hurley help him with Shrapnel Guy, only Hurley is way too aptly-named and passes out in the E.B. (Emergency Beach).
Hiking, hiking, bitching, hiking. And then the invisible mechasaurs start rumbling through the jungle towards them OMG SO FAST and everybody runs except Snicker Bitch (who stands there and loses her shit royal, y'all. I mean she has a red-carpet, blue-label losing of the shit. They need to put her in the next Freddy vs. Predator whatever movie because girl can scream like a champ) and Jackhole. Jackhole pulls out a gun ex machina and pumps the mechasaur full of lead and everyone gathers around it and is shocked to realize that it's no invisible CIA mechasaur! It's an OMGWTFPOLARBEAR, because that makes SO MUCH MORE SENSE. The Jackhole reveals that he got the gun off the body of a U.S. Marshal--Agent Shrapnel Guy!--and Lt. Kip decides that Jackhole was the prisoner and they start bitching again and finally Kate takes away the gun and takes it apart, all like, "THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS!" And Jackhole skeeves on her and is... well, a jackhole.
And then we get treated to another pre-crash flashback, to the point where I'm wondering if we're going to have to sit through 48 of these things, and it turns out she's the one sitting next to Agent Shrapnel, drinking orange juice with handcuffs on, awww!, and her hair is weirdly curly. I mean, I guess you want to look good for your extradition...? She sure didn't get all hot-rollered up for Agent Shrapnel, who's sort of a bitch to her, and seems to have chased her for a while before he caught her for God knows what, but then this is Kate's point of view and maybe she's a stone cold ninja serial killer. We don't know! We don't know! CRASH! And since Kate is conscious through the whole thing, we see Agent Shrapnel get suitcased unconscious in the head and Kate gets his keys and uncuffs herself and puts an oxygen mask on him first, awww!, and then gets hers and PLANE GO BOOM and open sky and I will never fly again.
And then back in the present Lt. Kip gets something coming through on the transceiver and it's some French woman from sixteen years ago and they eventually get Snicker Bitch to put her shit back together long enough to translate: "Somebody come help me, I'm all alone and it killed them all OMGWTFPOLARBEAR! *grrrsnarlyarglesmack*." Okay, maybe not that last part. MAYBE. And Charlie's like, "Where are we?" Oh, Charlie. You know where you are? A place where they don't grow Smackfarthing. Woe.
And just when you think that's a creepy enough place to leave off, we go back to the E.B., where Agent Shrapnel's all like, "WHERE. IS. SHE?," and Dr. Jack is all like, "Who?," and Agent Shrapnel is all like, "THE QUEEN OF HOT ROLLERS." DUN-DUN-DUN!
Next week: "What food, man? There is no more food!" Well, there's roast polar bear and Eat Drink Man Slicy Fish, I guess.