Tonight on Lost:
Agent Shrapnel wakes up long enough to tell Jack to look in his jacket. There's a flier with Kate's mugshot on it. You know... in case Agent Shrapnel... forgets what she looks like. And what his job is. Or something. I don't know. Jack is shocked, shocked!
that Shrapnel would carry around such an obvious plot device.
The hikers decide to camp out rather than risk the invisible man-eating mechawhatevers in the dark (well, Jackhole jackholes about going on by himself for a while, but eventually he sees reason). Lt. Kip, who is large and in charge this week, decides that they shouldn't tell anyone else, and by "anyone else" I mean "the extras," about the Frenchwoman's distress call because all hell would break loose if they realized that no one's coming to get them. And then Verve gets the bright idea to steal the gun halves out from under Lt. Kip and the Jackhole (at least I think this is what happened. It was dark), and I am totally shocked that Lt. Kip didn't just snap his neck without even waking. But no, they all wake up and go "Hey!," and Verve explains that he's keeping watch, and then the hikers try to decide who should have the gun and no one trusts anyone else--except Kate. We can give it to Kate, can't we? She's completely trustworthy and not the fugitive object of a U.S. marshal's obsession, WHY DO YOU ASK?
Hurley finds the mugshot lying around because Jack is an idiot.
The hikers get back and break the news that they couldn't get a signal and... uh... they will totally try again. Yes. Totally try again in a few days. Totally. Lt. Kip then starts dividing everyone up into groups to loot the plane and ration the food and find electronics, because he is
MINE, ALL MINE awesome.
Kate tells Jack about the French distress signal, because clearly he is not "anyone else."
Jack goes to loot the plane for medicine and finds Jackhole all crouched up in there like a complete and total freakshow, and seriously, I thought Snicker Bitch was bad, y'all, but Jackhole has totally shot to the top of my list of People They Need to Kill and Eat First. What did Jackhole loot? Booze, smokes, and porn. Rock.
Hurley runs into Kate and stammers like a moron, and then he sees the gun in the back of her jeans and really freaks out and runs away, and Kate's like, "O-kay. Maybe they don't have girls where he's from."
It rains. They move Agent Shrapnel to the Tent of Pain. He convulses. A lot. Jack says that their antibiotics are weak-ass and Shrapnel's probably not going to make it, and it is TEARING HIM UP INSIDE OMG.
Mercutio's Kid accuses Mercutio of not giving a damn about Vincent the Yellow Lab of Doom. Mercutio insists that he does, and that he'll go get his kid's dog the moment it stops raining. The rain's all like, "For real?" And it stops raining. So Mercutio goes into the jungle looking for the "damn hell ass shit fuck dog" (I may be paraphrasing here), and then something large that makes elephanty noises starts growling and moving in, like, the tropical corn or something, and Mercutio's all like, "Uh... Vincent? That you?" And at this point my dog looked at me and said, "I know he hadn't seen his kid in years, but has he never seen a dog, like, ever?" So Mercutio finally gets it in his head to run! Like the wind! Like a man running into the naked bathing wife of a possessive Korean husband! Which he totally does, y'all. I'm not sure who's more embarrassed, but they stand around being embarrassed and not speaking the same language way longer than they have to. Since this is the second time Mercutio has run into Obey Man Button Woman, I'm thinking they're going somewhere with this.
Also: There's a whole bunch of Kate Notinsale, Criminal Mastermind flashbacks, but I don't get paid to do this
at all by the word so I'm going to sum up: Some One-Armed Widower Australian Farmer finds her sleeping in his sheep pen and gives her a job as a farm hand because he's got a hell of a mortgage and he needs help and I seriously thought for a moment that he was gonna, like, hit her up for some bom-chicka-wa-wa but no. And then after three months she packs up and is gonna leave in the middle of the night and the old guy wakes up and says he knew she'd cut out sooner or later, but hey, if she stays until morning he can drive her to the wherever. So she says okay and they're driving the next day and this huge van is tailing them and she realizes that Some Farmer figured out she's a wanted woman and sold her out, and he reminds her that, you know, she's a nice girl and all, but bom-chicka-wa-wa don't pay the mortgage and there's $23K on her head, and you know, okay, fine. He seems like a nice enough guy except for the mercenary betrayal part. But Agent Shrapnel, now--he's gotta drive the van right up to her window and make the pointy finger-gun at her, like, what is his deal, man? And I guess the reason they keep interspersing the flashbacks with scenes in the Tent of Pain is so that Agent Shrapnel can grit at Jack, like, 5000 times, "SHE IS DANGEROUS, MAN." So Kate finally gets her danger on and seizes the wheel of Farmer's truck and drives it off the road and they flip over and, you know, good job there, Kate. But she drags Some Bleeding One-Armed Farmer back up to the road and away from the Flaming Truck of Flippy Death because she's Kate Notinsale, Fugitive with a Heart of Gold, and they have her accidentally yank the guy's fake arm off in the process just to make sure you get the whole Richard Kimble joke, which, admittedly, is freakin' hilarious. And of course Agent Shrapnel busts her because she wasted all that time saving the farmer's life. Gah.
Kate remembers all this while sitting an inch from Shrapnel's face and staring at him, and I announced to the general population of my living room at this point, "Y'all, he is totally gonna wake up and grab her," and my dog was like, "Well, duh." And he totally does. And because he's thorough, dammit, Agent Shrapnel actually starts choking her and won't let go and Jack all but has to beat him off. Once Kate recovers, she wants to know if Agent Shrapnel is suffering and if Jack can put him out of his misery. Like, way to play it cool there, Kate. (Also? My mother is convinced that there is a bom-chicka back story between Kate and Shrapnel. Hmm.) Jack blurts out that he saw her mugshot and he isn't a murderer so she can stuff it.
Lt. Kip asks Jack how Shrapnel is doing. I'm not sure why he has to ask, because the entire beach camp is sitting there listen to him caterwaul in gut-rotting agony. (Snicker Bitch wants him to "die already." Charlie? Does not volunteer any of his Smackfarthing.) Lt. Kip adds that everyone wants to know what's going on in the tent, like, what the hell do they think is going on? Also, Lt. Kip says that "the rumor is that [Jack] can't do anything for him." Jack's all like, fuck you too.
Jackhole comes up to Kate poking at her sad little campfire and jackholes that he's really glad she's got the gun now because clearly, whoever has the gun has the duty to put Agent Shrapnel down, and everyone knows it.
Tent of Pain. Kate returns at Agent Shrapnel's request. He speaks for all of us when he says, "That favor you wanted, what was it?" And she's like, what? And he explains that, you know, that was the last thing she said right before he got knocked unconscious upside the head, so I would think that we all get it, you know, but just in case you've never watched the show until now, and because these effects were expensive, goddammit, we see the entire Kate Krashback. Again. (Fortunately, it's the only crash flashback we get this week.) And she's like, Oh. That. Yes, THAT, Kate. "I wanted you to make sure that One-Armed Farmer got his $23,000." And Agent Shrapnel laaaaughs. And convulses some more.
On the beach, Hurley's all like, YOU LEFT HER ALONE IN THERE WITH HIM? Jack's like, Dude. She's not a ninja psycho killer, jeez. And Hurley's like, "But she's got that gun, man!" And Jack's like, GUN? WHAT GUN? OMGWTFGUN! And Kate comes out of the tent all sad and Jack's all panicking like YOU SHOT HIM and Kate's like, Did you hear a gunshot, fool? AND THEN THEY HEAR A GUNSHOT. And they're all like, Oh God, he shot himself. And then JACKHOLE comes out of the Tent of Pain with the gun saying, "Someone had to do it, man!" And then they hear this wet wheezing sound and Jack's like, "OH FOR THE LOVE OF JESUS CHRIST YOU STUPID FUCKING HOR." Where did Jackhole shoot the marshal? In the chest. Not the head, where, you know, the brain is really hard to miss and all. The chest. "You perforated his lung! It'll take hours for this to bleed out!" And Jackhole goes back to the beach and tries to light a Sad Looted Cigarette of Fucking Up but freaks out and just about cries instead. And a few minutes later, everything goes quiet and Jack comes out looking all hard and you know, maybe the guy died on his own. But I kinda have a feeling that Dr. Jack smothered him or something. Because, I mean, it was one thing to dedicate himself to watching a man suffer and die of plane crash wounds. It's something else entirely to watch a man suffer worse and die because a jackhole botched the mercy-killing. So: RIP Agent Shrapnel.
Dawn. Creepy O'Scar sits on the beach with a whistle that I'm pretty sure he made himself out of bamboo and whistles until Vincent the Yellow Lab of Doom comes. He ties him to a tree and goes and wakes Mercutio up and says, all kindly-grandpa, "Your son told me that his mother died, so I thought you should be the one to bring him back his dog." Awww, Creepy O'Scar!
Beach. Kate tells Jack that she wants to tell him why the marshal was after her. Jack's all like, "No, I don't want to know. We should all have a fresh start." The rest of planet Earth is like, "FUCK YOU, JACK. FUUUUCK YOUUUU SIIIIIIIDEWAAAAAYS."
And then, to cap off the show, there's this hilariously chipper musical montage that goes completely against the tone of the rest of the show, and it's totally a Medley Exit/Good Times Montage: Babymama of the Apocalypse rubs her belly and beams, Verve fixes Snicker Bitch's sunglasses with a paperclip, Lt. Kip tosses Jackhole an apple (okay, now they're just pushing it), Mercutio's Kid frolics with the Doomrador, and Creepy O'Scar watches contentedly. And we hold on a tight shot of Creepy O'Scar and the happy music suddenly fades away and goes DUNNNNNNNNNNNN instead. Nice.
(The other recaps. I can't promise to do this regularly, because the moment I promise to do something on a regular basis, I end up not being able to do it. So in the interest of being able to do it, I won't promise to do it. Uh. Yes.)
Tonight on Lost: