Hi, my name is Cleo, and my sister got me hooked on Passions.
I want Theresa and Ethan to get together so bad I can taste it—mostly because then THERESA WILL SHUT THE HELL UP and I will never have to listen to her whine again. Someone who’s taken a logic class will have to tell me what this gambit is called, because it’s both infuriating and brilliant:
ETHAN: Theresa, I can’t be with you. I love Gwen—she’s my wife and the mother of my child!
THERESA: But Ethan, you love ME!
ETHAN: It’s over, Theresa, I’m sorry. That’s in the past—I’m with Gwen now, and I can’t be untrue to her.
THERESA: But Ethan, you LOVE me!
ETHAN: I… all right, I do! But it doesn’t matter, Theresa! I can’t leave Gwen and the baby now!
THERESA: Ethan, YOU. LOVE. ME!
(Repeat every day for half an hour.)
Now, Liz is scary, but in a very quantifiable way. If she were a man, she’d be twirling her mustache—her eyes glittering as she murmurs to herself aloud, oh so realistically, “Sister dear, I’m going to get your husband, and there’s nothing you can do about it.” She can talk Eve’s husband T.C. into circles, and her logic is just as circular as Theresa’s (replace “YOU LOVE ME!” with “You’re a passionate man with passionate needs and Eve can’t satisfy those!”; wash, rinse, repeat), but Liz is comfortably dastardly. She’s being evil, and she knows it, and she lets us know it. I hate her, of course, and want to see her set on fire, put in a box, thrown off a cliff, sunk into the sea, and run over by a submarine. But… I’m not really afraid that I’m going to run into a Liz in real life.
This is why Theresa terrifies me—her very realistic sense of entitlement. One of the big guns she uses on Ethan is, “Little Ethan DESERVES to have you as a father, and I won’t settle for anything less.” The problem is that “Little Ethan” isn’t Ethan’s biological son—his father is this Brit-wimp wannabe named Julian (who is also slowly growing on me). Ethan has nothing to do with the kid, except that THERESA. LOVES. ETHAN, and she keeps going on and on and on and on like the spawn of Alex Forrest and the Energizer bunny, and all I want to do is just stab her, just in hopes that she will shut up. Two or three times in the last week alone she’s worn Ethan down to the point of making out with her, just from sheer force of her persistant yipping. And now, at the end of this last show, they had pregnant Gwen just about to walk in on them making out, and the whole trick is that Gwen’s going to miscarry if she gets the least bit upset. Hell, I want Gwen to miscarry at this point. I want something so awful to happen that Ethan will come to his senses and scream “YOU SELFISH IGNORANT WHORE!” and backhand Theresa right off the terrace. Of course, she will probably be wailing, “But yooooooooooou loooooooooooove meeeeeeeeee...!” all the way down.
Which is why I have diagrammed the situation out:
Syd the scheming singer needs to end up with her producer Chad, if only because I’m tired of the Liz/Theresa scheming and don’t need another scheming slut, and Chad is boring. His girlfriend Whitney, whom I really, really like, needs to get it on with Fox, who’s been drooling over her while pretending to be Theresa’s boyfriend (thereby helping her make Ethan jealous, blah blah blah YOU LOVE ME-cakes). Theresa needs to snag Ethan and get out of my face. Liz needs to catch fire and fall off a tall building, and T.C. (Whitney’s father…I think; Julian comes into play here as well) and Eve (Whitney’s mother, whom I also really, really like) need to get back together, because they seem like nice folks and Eve is a total class act and T.C…well, T.C. is pretty hot.
As for the Sheridan and Her Baby Storyline: Beth "I'm So Really Pregnant, Why Do You Ask" the Kidnapper needs to be put in a mental hospital, far away from Luis and Sheridan, and she can take her sack of sugar with her. Beth's mother’s monkey needs to be taken to a zoo and put off the booze and Home Shopping Network. I don’t care what happens to the mother, as long as she never opens her mouth again, because if she stays on this show any longer, her crazed tell-it-like-it-is man-growl might grow on me. Also: someone PLEASE give Sheridan her baby back and get her some medical treatment, for God’s sake. She’s down there in the oubliette without so much as a bottle of lotion to put in the basket.
As for the “Antonio is my husband but his brother Luis is the secret father of my child” Sheridan complication—I totally do not care which one she ends up with, as long as I can have the other one. Failing that, I want the hot blond guy helping them out (is he one of Luis's cop coworkers?). Oh, and Charlie, the crazed kidnapper/accomplice/lesbian: I want to say lock her away because she’s completely batshit, but I kinda feel for her, you know? “We’ll be one happy family, you and me and baby makes three” and all that. I mean, Beth led her on, after all. And we still haven’t figured out what to do with Gwen and her baby. So I totally suggest that Charlie get a minor makeover and go console Gwen (and Gwen’s baby, if she delivers it safely). Hell, Gwen’ll probably never trust a man again anyway.