STEWART: You know, the interesting thing I have is, you have a responsibility to the public discourse, and you fail miserably.
CARLSON: You need to get a job at a journalism school, I think.
STEWART: You need to go to one.
CARLSON: Wait. I thought you were going to be funny. Come on. Be funny.
STEWART: No. No. I'm not going to be your monkey.
CARLSON: I do think you're more fun on your show. Just my opinion.
STEWART: You know what's interesting, though? You're as big a dick on your show as you are on any show.
I think I need a cigarette now. *flick* Ahhhhh.
ETA: aprilia27 came through with a video link for us. Both our links have the transcript, but hers may be more accurate, however, given that mine is the crappy CNN insta-transcript.