Fun link someone left in the comments: Penny Arcade does Lost.
Holy crap, I almost forgot to watch the show because I was too busy rolling my eyes at Stephen Stupid Sommers' commentary on the Van Helsing DVD.
I'm dropping a lot of the nicknames this week, unless it's really, truly more helpful to keep them. You see "Sayid," you know I mean "the former Iraqi soldier guy." You see "Michael," you go "Who? Oh, Mercutio. 'Shannon'? Ohhh, the bitchy one." And so on. I would rather use a nickname for Boone, but... I can't think of a decent one.
Flashback: Baby Hero Jack is being held down by Some Punk who's like, "Walk away or I kick your ass," because Some Other Punk is giving some seriously unpleasant stomach-punches to this other kid. Baby Hero Jack decides to get up. And get his ass kicked. Smart.
Island, present day. "Someone's out there! She's drowning!" We see some woman flailing about at sea, so of course Captain Hero Jack starts stripping down to go save her. Halfway out there, he finds... Boone, the former lifeguard (or, really, "lifeguard") half-dead in the water. Jack floats in the water holding Boone up for about fifty years looking back and forth between the drowning woman and the island. The music and the camera work here is sort of overdoing it with the INTENSE INTENSITY OF INTENSENESS, as we shaky-cam it back to the castaways' reaction shots on the beach and the drowning woman and OMG CAPTAIN HERO JACK DO SOMETHING ALREADY. So he takes Boone back to shore. Stupid Boone.
When we come back from commercial, the woman's drowning has already happened offscreen. I don't know if they go out and find her body (probably not, if we don't see it, because I'm sure we'd have scenes of Jack moping over it if they did), so I guess she just stopped yelling and they let her go. I forget who comes up with the information--maybe Kate--but one of our main castaways ponies up the info that the woman was "Joanna," who wasn't supposed to be on the plane ("I'm not even supposed to be here today!") but ended up there anyway, and just, you know, decided to go for a freakin' swim first thing in the morning. I mean, I know I say that like it's crazy, when it's actually a very pleasant thing to do, but--really, if you're stranded on a deserted island, I would hold off on the whole swimming-out-into-the-undertow scene for a while. Anyway, that's what happened--she got "caught in the riptide." Captain Hero Jack goes into high guilt mode, but that's what he does best, so go him. Then he sees Creepy Suit Guy on the beach.
Checking In With Sun and Jin, which should totally be the name of Jin's cooking show: Sun's all like--and we know this thanks to subtitles--"You know, really, hanging out with the others might be helpful." And Jin's all like, "WOMAN, WHEN I WANT YOUR OPINION I'LL GIVE IT TO YOU." He also declares that she needs water, because her lips are... dry... looking. You know, because everyone else on this island is just replete with hydration. Thank you, Eat Drink Man Obvious.
Sawyer jackholes with Snicker Bitch for some insect repellent. Apparently he's become that guy in prison who's always got stuff--for a price. I don't remember offhand what Snicker Bitch was wearing, but she looked more like she was going to a cotillion than a hot beach full of people she hates.
Babymama of the Apocalypse bonds with Kate while looking for a hairbrush. Curiously, she does not go ask to borrow Snicker Bitch's, which is probably just as well, because The Bitch would probably be like, "Bite my ass, fatty plebe." Babymama is all like, "Are you a Gemini?" AND KATE IS. And Babymama offers to do her chart and I think she misreads Kate's reaction as disapproval when I'm pretty sure Kate's actual thought is, "With what?"
Elsewhere, we find out that the camp is down to their last 18 bottles of water, because no one rationed it, thinking they'd be saved pretty soon (apparently this is day 6). Hurley and Charlie keep yapping at Jack about what to do about it, until Jack finally blows a gasket all like, "I'M NOT CAPTAIN HERO JACK!" And Charlie's all like, "Well, that's odd, because that's what
Flashback: Baby Hero Jack comes home all busted up from the schoolyard fight. He tells his father, who is swirling some sort of liquor around in a glass of ice, that basically they were beating up this other kid and he stepped in and got his ass beat, too. And what does Jack's dad say? He talks about performing surgery on some kid, and all the pressure he's under to be Captain Hero Doctor Jack's Dad, and muses, "Even when I fail, when the [boy he's operating on] dies, how do I go home and not feel guilty? Because I have what it takes. You don't want to be a hero. Because when you fail, you don't have what it takes." Say... what? I mean, I understand what he's saying in general, but... what a nice speech to hit a ten-year-old who has two black eyes with.
Present day. Now Boone's all on Jack's case, too. "Why did you save me! I would have been fine! You should have saved her! I run a business! Who appointed you savior!" Those are all direct quotes, y'all. "I run a business." (As someone on the TWOP forums quipped, "I HAVE A DODGE STRATUS!") Also: nice, asshole. Jack zones out because he sees Creepy Suit Guy again, and Boone starts screaming, "I'M TALKIN' TO YOU!" Yeah, and you're half a pint of hot air, kid. STFU. So Jack totally just runs off and leaves Boone there screaming and chases the guy into the jungle and AHHHH GUY IN THE FOREST WITH HIS BACK TURNED. Creepy Suit Guy turns around and of course it's Captain Hero Doctor Jack's Dad, Only Older (Jack: "Dad...?"), and then he just swivels back around in this weird way, like the actor's just on a dolly being turned, not actually moving his legs, and keeps going SO CREEPY.
Commercial for National Treasure. "The dollar bill is trying to tell me something." The last time a dollar bill tried to tell me something, I ended up having a talk with campus security. Don't listen to your paper currency, kids.
Flashback to Jack's bitter, bitter mom telling Jack that the father is "gone." It totally sounds like she's telling him that his dad's dead and he needs to accept that, but then it turns out that he's not dead at all--just "gone," and Jack has to go find him. Jack retorts that Creepy Dad hasn't spoken to him in two months, can't his friends go get him? "He has no friends!" Mom bitters. "He was right! You don't understand the pressure he's under! You don't get to say 'I can't' after what you did!" Whaaaaa? (More on this later.) "YOU BRING HIM HOME!" Where is Captain Hero Doctor Jack's Dad? Australia. Of course. Why? We don't know.
Present day. Mercutio's Kid is all like, "That pregnant lady fell down!" In the absence of Captain Hero Jack, Kate Notinsale, Can-Do Fugitive With a Heart of Gold, comes to the rescue. Babymama is overheated and needs... water. The water? Is gone. Locke, formerly known as Creepy O'Scar, cheerfully opines that it's gonna get ugly when people find out the water is gone and uglier when they realize someone stole it. Someone's got to go look for water, therefore, and Kate and Sayid
Meanwhile, Jack is wandering through
Well, not in his hotel room. Flashback to Australian hotel room. Aussie Hotel Guy is like, "There was, uh, a security incident in the bar. Also, I don't think anyone would rent your father a car in... his condition." His "condition"? What, he was in a wheelchair? The guy totally won't come out and say it--I guess in the interest of creating suspense--but apparently Jack's dad is a big ol' drunk. Also, he calls Jack "Mr. Shepard," not Dr. Shepard, which may indicate that... Jack didn't finish med school. Which is what his parents are so pissed about. Hmm. Jack notices that his father didn't take his wallet. Not sure what's up with that, but okay. Five bucks says the dad is totally dead (okay, we won't count that part, because I found that out in advance) and that the dead body was also on the plane, and the show is going to end with Jack finding the body. You heard it here first--and this is pure conjecture, because this time I'm actually taking notes while the show is on so I don't do that whole "I totally don't remember what happened" thing.
Sun-dappled glades. OF DOOM. Creepy Suit Dad keeps turning up with his BACK TURNED HOLY CRAP STOP THAT. Jack runs after him--or maybe he's running away from him now,
Beach camp. Charlie brings Babymama the two drops of water they have left, and tells her to take care of "the little one." Awww! They bond over Locke and his 400 knives (Charlie: "Who packs that many? I would only have room for 200, 300 at most.") Babymama sighs that she scares people off because she and the baby are a time bomb. Charlie: "You don't scare me." AWWW.
Hurley brings the following report to Kate and Sayid: "Uh... the Chinese [sic] people have water." Sayid pretty much starts shaking Sun and demanding--in English--where the water is. Kate points out that she can't understand him but Sayid insists that she does. He starts asking who she got the water from, while Jin yells and fumes in the background. Cut to: Sawyer. Kate wants to go have it out now, but Sayid counsels patience: "If you wait, a rat will always lead you to its hole."
Cut to: Sawyer going to his
Jungle. Locke says that the castaways need a leader. Jack's like, fuck you. He worries that he's going crazy. Locke says something interesting: "Crazy people don't think they're crazy; they think they're getting saner." Oh, sure. Just ask Helen. Jack tells Locke a little about his chase--not who he's chasing, but that he's pretty sure he's not chasing anything that's really there. Locke's all like, "You're chasing the white rabbit." "I'm an ordinary man, Jack," he adds, and the rest of us go, Oooooookay. "But this place is special." Locke posits that Everything Happens for a Reason. "I've looked into the eye of this island. And what I saw was... beautiful." Okay, I kinda shuddered right there. Jack wants to go get water with Locke, but Locke's all like, "No, you gotta finish what you started. Leader can't lead until he knows where he's going." It's vision quest time!
Jack broods over a campfire in the jungle. I am totally surprised that nothing, like, comes and eats him and picks its teeth with his bones. Flashback to an Australian morgue: Creepy Dad was found dead in an alley. Apparently his blood alcohol level was, like, 5000%. Jack IDs the body and tears up. Awww. And cries over his fire in the present. Awww! Clearly, Matthew Fox has a master's degree in Television Angst. Then he hears his dad rattling a tumbler of ice behind him. WHY ARE YOU SO CREEPY, JACK'S CREEPY DAD? Jack pursues. Jack finds: A big ol' spring of water. With a ghostly-white old-fashioned doll floating in it. Y'all, how does this show manage to make everything so fucking creepy? More dolls. More baggage strewn around. Plane wreckage. COFFIN OMG I TOLD YOU SO.
Flashback: Airline Chick is like, You don't have proper documentation for the body! We can't let you take it on the plane! Jack freaks out: "I'm standing in front of you in the same suit I'm going to wear to my father's funeral. I'm asking you a favor. I need this to be done. I need this to be over. I need to bury my father." Translation: Get me on that plane. The irony stings a little, doesn't it? And remember the first time we see Jack, in the first episode, wearing that suit? Yeah--oh God, he's gonna bury his dad's body out there, isn't he? Holy shit, man, the body's only been on the island for, say, six HOLY SHIT THERE'S NOTHING IN THE COFFIN. I'm serious. He opens it and nothing's in there. Now, keep in mind that we never saw Airline Chick do that favor for him, but the way Jack now goes apeshit on the coffin with, like, a two-by-four, I'm thinking he expected a body to be there. Wide shot of the island: sounds of Jack whaling on the coffin. Strangely? It kinda sounds like The Invisible Mechasaur. I wonder...
Beach camp. Charlie catches Boone giving water to Claire. This is the part that confuses me: Apparently Boone took the water. You can't really hear because Charlie starts beating up on him and everyone else piles on, but Boone's all like, "It's not what it looks like! You wouldn't understand!" Uh, I understand that you ran off with everyone's water on a deserted island, Sparky. Right as things start to get ugly, Captain Hero Jack returns, of course, and berates them for "crucifying" the same guy who tried to save the drowning woman that morning
Sad Piano Chords of Sadness. Sun and Jin: "Thank you for getting me water today." "That's what husbands do." At first I thought this was a tacit admission that Jin stole the water, but on second thought, maybe it just refers to the trade with Sawyer. Meanwhile, Sawyer jackholes to Boone that Boone's taken his place at the top of the most hated list. "Sucks, don't it?" Yeah, but you're still a jackhole, man.
Kate brings Jack water. "So where were you today, Jack?" He won't say. She's all like, aren't we secretive today? I can't really remember this part, except that Jack basically busts her on that little pot-kettle-black move right there, and she's all like, "You had your chance to ask what my deal is and you blew it." Yes, Jack. YES, YOU DID. So Jack just blurts out that his father died in Sydney. Kate is sorry about that. Jack is also sorry about that. The End.
Previews: Jin tries to kill Michael, and Sayid handcuffs him to the plane. Jin, I mean. Oh, and Locke knows who Charlie is (I'm sure Charlie will be all too pleased to be recognized) and what he's looking for (Smackfarthing, you will be missed), and offers to help him. I'm thinking this is the Charlie Detoxes episode. (Speaking of Smackfarthing, I saw someone use that word on the TWOP forums just now. That was an odd moment--like running into someone you know on some random street, because it's got to be someone who reads this journal.)
Also: Whoever complained--not here, this was on a message board--that the whole "Present day island drama + flashbacks from a single character" formula doesn't work for them? Had better suck it up, because that's the route we seem to be going.