Cleolinda Jones (cleolinda) wrote,
Cleolinda Jones

Man... getting back into Black Ribbon is hard. My head's been in a pseudo-medieval fantasy world for a completely different story for a while now, so I'm having to drag myself back into a nineteenth-century mindset.

Van Helsing is not the way to do that.

That said, the actors' commentary is cute--it's the guys playing Roxula and the wolf brother and Frankenstein sitting around giggling over various double entendres and how fine the women in the movie look and stuff they didn't even know was in the movie because it sure as hell wasn't there when they were acting (or "acting," in some cases, ROXBURGH. "You verr trenned by monks and MOOOOLAHS! Backed by RUM HERSELF!"), and "Oh, look, there's Daisy!" "We love Daisy!" "Daisy!" The director-and-editor commentary, however, is just a laff riot. To wit:

"We searched six months for the actresses to play the brides. It's so hard to find women that beautiful who can really act." Cut to: the brides' horrible, horrible acting. Although really, I don't know that I could do any better with "Too bad--so sad!" while wearing see-through harem pants. Respect.

"Our Hyde character is the most photorealistic computer-generated character ever created." Cut to: really bad CGI.

"It's really amazing to watch these two great, great actors do this scene." Cut to: Jackman and Roxburgh doing a really bad scene.

The director: "Kate is really hot shoving a knife in her boot right here." Editor: "Yeah, but the continuity in this scene is shit, Steve." Director: "Man, no one would have noticed if you hadn't mentioned it!"

This is one of the pitfalls of having your main commentator be both the writer and the director, because he keeps talking about all the great ideas and the great laughs and the great screams and SHUT SHUT SHUT. "Here's a really great shot!" Cut to: a really, really obvious, full-face shot of Jackman's stunt double on the trapeze in the ball scene. (And if that's not a double? What is wrong with his face, man?) Y'all, it's just a fun cheesy movie. Tell me funny stories! Don't tell me how fabulous you are! Particularly when you're not!

I like the editor, though: "Here's one of those things you have to think about [in the ball scene]: Did they not have a better idea to rescue her? What if that hadn't worked? Could they really not think of anything better?" (The director: "Look! There's my daughter!") And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the technical commentary in two lines. "Did they not have a better idea?" "Look, there's my daughter!"

Also: Stephen Sommers has a very unhealthy fixation with the little hell ewoks running around on fire. Like, the fact that the real little actors kept really catching fire and having to run off screen and get extinguished and that's what you're seeing every time you see a little hell ewok run around on fire. "Look! More flaming dwergi! There they go!" Dude.

I do like the story at the end of the movie when Anna is dead from smush and and Helsingwolf turns back into Van Helsing and Hugh Jackman is wearing some very, very sketchy trouser scraps, and Stephen Sommers is all like, "Yeah, he's actually totally naked. We got to the first screening and everyone was right where we wanted them, they cheered when they saw [that he'd gotten the antidote], and then they're like 'Ohhhhhhhh' when you see Anna and then--we felt it, before it even happened, we knew what was going to happen--we got to that moment [where he's holding Anna Dead From Smush], and you heard all the women in the audience go, 'Oh my God! That's Hugh Jackman's ass!' And all the men go, 'What? We don't wanna see no man ass!' So we painted some pants on. We should sell screensavers of it, though."

And I laaaaaaughed, because it's true.
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