Tijuana! Oh, Troy Vandertwin, I am disappointed in you. Not the least for hanging out with Logan. Also some other kid, who's all twitchy and sketchy. In a Beverly Hills kinda way. He makes the other two guys twiddle their thumbs in the car while he goes and buys a very, very special bull pinata for a souvenir. I would find the n with the tilde, but I'm lazy. So just pretend it's there.
Anyway. We know something's up with Twitchy because a routine check by the border guard makes him put on the whole OH SHIT face. Like, way to be smooth there, kid. Logan and Troy seem blissfully unaware, however. So they go into some north-of-the-border diner and after Troy gets out of the restroom they go back to the parking lot and... Troy's BMW is totally gone. Correction: Troy's dad's BMW is totally gone. Strangely (or "strangely," rather), Twitchy starts freaking out real bad. So, clearly, he is up to some shenanigans here. (I heard what they were ahead of time, but bear with me.) Meanwhile, Logan actually namechecks Brigadoon while pacing around the empty parking space. Dude, are we sure he's straight? Or under the age of sixty? I mean, I love a good Brigadoon shout-out, but... hands up, y'all: how many of you have any clue what he's talking about?
Anyway. Veronica arrives to save their collective ass--for Troy's sake, at least--and drive them back to Neptune. (Yes, the town is called Neptune. No, I'm not kidding.) Veronica: "Dude! Where's. Your. Car." Awesome. Troy's parents are gone for five days, so that's how long they have to recover the car. Not only that, but apparently Troy is marked for Catholic school in Albuquerque if he screws up (again--I got the feeling from previous episodes that he'd bounced around schools a bit, but I could be imagining this). So his relationship with Veronica is on the line, basically, and they are so cuuuuuute together. Also, Veronica is wearing adorable Sailor Moon odango-style pigtails. I mean, not the big long swoopy part, just the meatball part. Anyway.
Veronica and Wallace are at the Mars detective agency searching for Troy's car on the internet and cracking Scooby-Doo jokes. Veronica pulls up, like, the Holy Grail of detective sites. It has a URL that I didn't quite catch, but I think it was something like amazingtvgirldetectives.org or something. Veronica says that she's not Velma, she's Daphne, thank you very much, and Wallace pronounces Shaggy to have, and I quote, "mad flava." Then Counselor Rebecca from like an episode ago or so calls the office and the machine picks up and she's all like, "Oh, I'll be late tonight, Keith." BUSTED! Dad's dating! And I'm pretty sure Veronica's parents aren't divorced yet!
We find Twitchy Kid at some muscle gym under a 3000-pound barbell while a Hulk Hogan type menaces him.. Hulk Nogan wants "the packages." Ruh-roh.
So. Breakfast Chez Mars. Veronica's clearly still thinking about Counselor Rebecca, and then her dad has to be all like, "I packed up the rest of your mom's stuff! Whee!" Ohhhh, the timing, she is bad. Veronica busts him on the school counselor dateage but then waves it off and tells him to shoot for an actual teacher next time. Then Dad's all like, "I really like her." Awwww!
And then, after he leaves, Veronica's poking through the box and finds a safety deposit key. She also pulls out a family photo that allows her to voiceover the whole thing about how her mom ran out on them after Veronica's best friend, The Late Lilly, was murdered, etc., etc., for those of you just tuning in. (Or you could catch up with the other recaps. Don't get scared off because it sounds like there's a lot of back story. There's really not. WATCH THIS SHOW.) Anyway. Deposit key. I'm going to skip ahead and tell you that she fakes up a death certificate for her mom, because Veronica is awesome, and she goes down to the bank and little-girls that her mom just died last week (sniff), and there's this deposit key and she'd like to see what's in the box. What's in the box? Year-old surveillance pictures of Veronica. Oh my hell.
Veronica's in newspaper class or whatever with Twitchy Kid confessing that the souvenir pinata... was full of steroids. Veronica: *eyeroll.* Twitchy insists that Troy and Logan knew nothing--well, Logan knew, but not Troy. Veronica's all like, "I help people
At this point, there was a commercial for Seed of Chucky. I've got a world of whatever for this movie, except for the fact that I'm surprised they got it made in the first place, after reading about them dicking around with it for a couple of years. And then there's this "BRITNEY SPEARS DOES NOT APPEAR IN THIS FILM" disclaimer at the end that is a total non sequitur and actually made me guffaw. Really loudly.
There is a scene with Veronica and Counselor Rebecca and all I have written down in my notes is "looking at pictures." I have no idea who or what or how or when. I just know that it's awkward. But Veronica tries! She's a little weirded out because she's still looking for her mom! Her mom who isn't divorced from her dad! And this woman dating her dad is her stinkin' school counselor! I would be weirded too!
In the Car-onica, V. updates Troy on the situation. The background as they're driving is really fake. Maybe I don't watch enough TV, because it really bothered me, and has bothered me in every previous episode as well. Troy randomly pronounces, "I dig this song." They jam a little while to the song on the radio. O...kay. Then Veronica says, in a funny half-French accent, "What was on this menu on this night of grand debauchery?" Basically, she's trying to see if he knows about the steroids. He does not seem to know.
Car security... store... office... place. Troy's dad's BMW has a security/GPS system that they need to activate to find the car, only the security people won't do it unless the car is reported missing, and clearly Troy doesn't want to do that just yet. So Veronica gets her ditz on and pretends to be Mr. Vandertwin Sr.'s assistant and gets some dweeb who calls himself "Super Roger"--let me repeat that: Super Roger--to "come to the rescue" and... totally not activate the whatever because some office hag busts in and shuts Veronica down with her "rules" and "customer security measures" and shit.
Back to Steroid Boy. A big red--orange, it turns out--Hummer drives up to his house and the kid goes off running like a damn gazelle. I'm telling you, he leaps over like two gates and a chain-link fence. Hulk Nogan is finally not leet enough to keep up with the kid and is all shaking his fist after him: "You better run, you punk bitch!" Oooo. I think Hulk Nogan just called you out, kid.
School. Veronica asks Logan about the steroids now. Logan stonewalls and smarms and won't tell her anything and basically acts like Veronica's act of kindness with the FUN WITH LILLY tape last week didn't happen at all. Ass. Enter Troy. Logan slithers away. Troy puts his arm around her and golden rays of shoot through the hall ceiling and frame the happy couple. Oh, Troy Vandertwin, I love you. You must be evil. You can't be this awesome for real.
Chez Mars. Veronica comes home and there's Counselor Rebecca. In her house. Making dinner. And it's really sweet--Counselor Rebecca's found out how both the Mars...es? like Italian food, and she's making them fettucine and then Veronica's favorite dessert: waffles and ice cream. Say what? And of course that sends Veronica off on another Mom on the Run flashback.
I am going to tell you right here that I don't like Lianne Mars. She always looks kind of bedraggled and shrunken and hollow-eyed and flaky. Even in this flashback, she's pumping Veronica for info on who her new boyfriend is (while making the waffles and ice cream), and she's wayyyyy too into this. Like, she's throwing out all these boys' names and she's like, "Oooo, is it this one? Oh, no, not that one, ew!" Like, she seems more like your anorexic little sister than your mom. I dunno. Maybe I'm crazy. Younger Veronica finally reveals that her new boyfriend is... Duncan Kane. Lianne's all like, "OHHHH." This seems portentous somehow. Like maybe Lianne had an affair with Jake Kane and Veronica and Duncan are really related to each other or something. I'm just saying.
Present Day Veronica wigs out a little, probably because she remembered that bit in the pilot about catching Jake Kane meeting her mom at a motel, and she sees what I'm saying, you know? So she excuses herself from Rebecca's dinner and jets.
Look! It's the Leader of the Pack (Vroom, Vroom)! Veronica's back on the case with Weevil, whose uncle, it seems, works at this car... place. (Look, I'm bad with this kind of thing. It's like an auto body shop, I think.) Weevil's all up in the Spanish with his tío, and Tío de Weevil's all like, "Yeah, that BMW came through and went back out. [We are given to understand that they do... stuff... to cars, no questions asked.] Pinata? Oh, one of the mechanics took it for his daughter's birthday. P.S. Don't bring strangers to the auto yard, fool." Weevil's about to selectively translate for Veronica but she's like, "Yeah, yeah, let's go find that birthday party." Because she is awesome. Also, this is California--I'm surprised Weevil assumed that she didn't speak Spanish, given that most high schools make you take some foreign language. Anyway. Birthday party. Weevil says, "Baby, I'll buy you a pinata." Veronica turns and says, "Will you buy me A PINATA FULL OF STEROIDS?" Weevil's all like, "Oh, shit." For real, Weevil.
They race to some birthday party that I don't know how they find, and Veronica's all like, "STOP! STOP!," but the little girl breaks the pinata anyway and... candy falls out. So Veronica's left standing there like an idiot in some little courtyard while all the neighborhood mothers do the Spanish equivalent of "Mmmm, girl! She crazy."
Steroid Boy consults with Veronica in the ladies room. She should just have that restroom blocked off for the rest of the year, at the rate she shanghais it as an office. Steroid Boy is all panicky, and Veronica's all like, dude, don't get your drug-shrunken dick in a knot, we'll find your stash. And then for some reason, as she walks out and sees the school office, she has a flashback to Lianne randomly checking her out of school to go visit relatives, like, on the spur of the moment. In Palm Beach. And Veronica's like, "I have a test next period and a Spanish project and--" and Lianne's all like, "JUST SHUT IT AND COME WITH ME." Present Day Veronica says she attributed her mother's panic at the time to "the vodka." Ouch. Three days later, Mom flies the coop.
Chez Mars. Veronica is mailing disposable cell phones to relatives who might have contact with Lianne in the hopes that she'll get one and feel safe enough to call her. My first reaction was that the whole disposable cell phone thing probably is real (turns out it is), but it seems like a spectacularly indulgent technological advance. Of course, I thought the same thing about camera phones until I got one.
Dad comes home way early in the morning. Like, "walk of shame" early. Like, Veronica actually uses the phrase "walk of shame." Like, ew. That's your dad, dude. Anyway, she tells him about the whole Troy's dad's BMW problem (but not the steroids, I don't think), and so he goes back down to Car Security Dealything all dressed up as the head of Vandertwin Estate Security and gets the office hag to activate the car locator and give him the code or whatever. Like, I'm sure it makes sense, I just... don't have the technological vocabulary to explain it. Dude, I can't even math. I just used math as a verb. I'm doing the best I can. Oh, and Dad tells Veronica to be nice to his girlfriend. I wanted to hit him at this point, because--look, she's not all daisies and sunshine about it, but Veronica is at least being civil and polite and really, really frickin' understanding in the dialogue scenes they have, so SHUT.
Steroid Boy is in the school computer lab trying to auction off an autographed baseball of some sort so he can pay Hulk Nogan back and not die. He's having a really hard time letting go, though. Veronica: "Look. A ball... or your life." Steroid Boy actually hesitates. "IT'S A BALL!" Hee.
Meanwhile, out in the outdoor caf, Veronica is asking Troy how he can be so laid back when the world is going to end in three days. Well, that's how she's acting. I mean, there are no cell phones in Albuquerque and Catholics don't believe in email, obviously. The school is in an alternate universe unreachable by mortal teenage girl. Clearly, Troy will have no contact with civilization until he reaches his legal majority. How can he play it so cool? she asks. Troy does not point out that his twin brother is most famous for freezing things. No, he says that he looks at it as his last 72 hours to live, and he wants to spend it as "sexy fun time." I heart Troy Vandertwin. Too bad he's probably Satan.
Newspaper class with Sydney Tamiia Poitier making them do interviewer exercises. Veronica's paired with some brunette bitchiwitch who's all like, "So, Miss Mars, how does it feel to have your mom run out after your dad accused the wrong man of your best friend's murder?" And Veronica's all like, "How does it feel, Miss Banks, to know that your parents are on the verge of divorce? How do you feel about your father's choice of mistresses?" OH SNAP. But Sydney Tamiia Poitier holds Veronica after class all like, "That was low, man." Or "Sometimes the lies we tell ourselves are for our own good." One of the two.
So Veronica's in the computer lab mulling over this wisdom, and then she logs into nosyteenagedetectives.net again and runs a background check on...
...Counselor Rebecca? "Did you know she's still married?" Actually, Dad did know. "AND SO AM I." I knew it! Veronica's dad is kind of verging on tears here and they start yelling at each other and he's all like, "We tried to make you feel comfortable [with our relationship] but you chose to be snotty!" That sound you hear? Is the sound of me yelling "OH NO YOU DI-IN'T!" at the TV. Seriously, Veronica was snotty? Have you ever lived with a teenage girl before, or did you just get amnesia this morning? Because if a teenage girl wants to be snotty, God help you, man. And Veronica starts crying and she's all like, you're not even trying to find Mom! You can find anybody! You're not even looking! If you cared you would look! And Dad's all like, "Maybe I don't care enough to look!" And I just gave the TV the hand at that point. Sorry, but if this
Oh, and he tosses the car security code at her and huffs out. Veronica cries the sad tears of a girl detective whose mom is on the run.
Anyway. Veronica and Troy track the car security thingamawhat to... the collar of a dog in a rich neighborhood. So that's weird.
Détente in the Mars household. Oh... except that Dad has run a background on Troy. He's all like, you can open it or not. Ass. You know she's going to open it, because she wants to know what you now know. (Editorial note here: Contrary to the way it may sound, I really like what the writers and the actors are doing with this whole subplot, and it's really surprising to see Enrico Colantoni play this so well, considering he's permastamped in my mind as "the photographer on Just Shoot Me." The fact that I'm getting mad at the character and totally forgetting that it's a TV show should tell you something about the quality here.)
Coffee shop. Dad and Counselor Rebecca are all handsy. Ew, not like that. I mean like that thing you do when you hold hands with someone and just play with each other's fingers. It's really sweet, except that he then blurts out that he can't see her anymore. Okay... see, you say that before you get all schmoopy and handsy. Ass. He does tell her up front that it's because of Veronica. Counselor Rebecca asks him to give her a crappier reason that she can bitch about with her friends over margaritas, because being a good father isn't gonna cut it. Awwww.
School. Veronica, who has read the report by now, busts up on Troy for getting kicked out of school for "drug possession and trafficking" in fifteen different states (I'm approximating here), and a few of those times involved some partner in crime named "Shawna." Troy swears he knows nothing about the steroids, even so. Veronica's all like, "Why didn't you tell me?!," and Troy says, rather bitterly, exactly what I'm thinking: he might have gotten around to that once he'd known her for more than, like, four episodes. But he's not gonna be like, "Hey, you're cute! I got the boot for dealing drugs on two different coasts! Wanna go see a movie?" And then he stomps off. No, Troy! Come back! Give us another chance, Troy!
There's a bit about Steroid Boy raising the $8000 he needs to pay off Hulk Nogan, and Veronica (accompanied by Backup the dog) takes the money to the guy and takes a camera-phone picture of him and he accepts the money but says he still wants to beat Steroid Boy's ass into the ground. So Veronica goes home and prints out the picture and faxes it somewhere. And then we cut to Troy's dad getting home and hoo boy he is maaaaaaaaaaaaaad. Like, "Don't even bother packing, we'll just Fed Ex your shit if we get around to it" mad.
So, wait--dog--car--Troy--what? We've got five minutes left, and we still don't know where the BMW went? Or the steroids? Or why the car GPS thing was on a dog? And what's going to happen to Troy?
Let me transcribe my notes verbatim for you at this point:
Wait, Troy OH MY GOD TROY HE LEFT THE STEROIDS AT THE DINER AND HAS THE CAR SHAWNA ON THE PHONE OH MY GOD VERONICA SHAWNA
So, to translate: We see Troy go back to Diner North of the Border and pull the steroids out of some improvised hidy-hole in the restroom ceiling, and then he pays off some diner guy for hiding the BMW for him, and he drives off into the desert and he's free! With a shitload of expensive drugs and his daddy's "stolen" car! And CALLING SHAWNA OMG YOU CHEATING HOR YOU SAID YOU LOVED US. And then Shawna mentions that Veronica called looking for him. And he opens the bag beside him and it's not steroids--it's pinata candy. And Veronica flushed the steroids down the toilet! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Meanwhile, Hulk Nogan gets stopped at the border in his orange Hummer. That's where Veronica sent his picture: to the border guards. With, I am assuming, a note that says that he's a huge drug runner. And possibly a molester of children. You know, just for good measure. You are going to be spending a long, long time in Mexican jail, cholo.
There is a very sweet scene where Veronica has baked a lopsided cake for her father's birthday, and he tells her that he dumped Counselor Rebecca, and she feels all bad about it, but he won't let her protest. Awww.
And then we see Veronica asleep on her bed with her headphones half on, and her phone is about to vibrate off the dresser, and you think, "AHAHAHAHA, Troy is still trying to call her! Poor Troy. We loved you. Ass." And her voicemail picks up and it's not Troy at all, IT'S LIANNE ON ONE OF THE DISPOSABLE PHONES. She tells Veronica not to come looking for her, and that everything will make sense "when the time is right." Whatever. Also, happy birthday to her husband that she is still married to, hi. And we fade out on Veronica, still asleep.
Next week: Class president election fraud! OH, HOW TIMELY.