We open with Charlie struggling to play guitar and Locke asking him to come for a walk because we have to, because this is Charlie's episode. More with them in a moment.
Jack has returned to the beach to get the rest of his stuff. Apparently he's been living in a nice little makeshift tent. He and Kate flirt and yearn for each other in front of God and everyone on the beach. JUST DO IT ALREADY! Then Sawyer butts in and dumps his bags and claims the tent for Sawyerland. Exit Jack back to the Dead Pool.
Charlie wanders through the jungle looking for Locke. Flashback to confession: It's been a week since Charlie's last (ooo, good Catholic boy), and since then, he's had "physical relations" with a girl he didn't know. And then another girl he didn't know. And "then I... watched... the two girls... have...uh, relations... with each other." The priest is sort of agog. If he were a little more receptive, I bet he'd have gotten the skinny on the hobbit orgy afterwards. "It's our band, man!" Charlie explains excitedly. "It's getting real heat now! There's temptation all over the place!" The priest is like, Um, yeah. There's always temptation all over every place, and you have to make choices. Choices. Choices? Choices. Ding! You've said the word of the day!
Then Charlie's brother Liam--because what's a rock band without a guy named Liam?--is waiting for Charlie out in the pews with his feet propped up all blasphemously and shit and they talk about the band and I can't remember if Liam has gotten the news that a label wants to sign the band yet but it comes up at some point so I may as well stick that here. So we leave the scene with Liam being all like, "Whee! You're gonna be a rock god!"
A ROCK GOD DIGESTING IN THE BELLY OF A BABY BOAR. There are scary snortling sounds and Charlie's all like, "Locke, is that you?" and dude, why would you think that was Locke? What the hell do you think he's doing to make that sound? Look, I don't even want to know. So Charlie ends up running through the jungle chased by a boarlet and he manages to run it right into Locke's trap that he didn't know about and Locke's like, "You make excellent bait," and Charlie's like, "FUCK YOU I WANT DRUGS."
So when we come back from commercial, Locke and Charlie recap the whole "I'll hold onto your drugs so it can be your choice to give them up" deal they made last week. Charlie is not so much into this deal anymore: "I'm sick, man! Can't you see that?" Yeah... Charlie looks pretty ruggid. Locke tells him that he can ask for his drugs three times, and on the third time, he's really going to give them back. Oh, and that was the first time, right there. Locke: "It's all about choices, because clearly I was listening in to your flashback while I was waiting behind my boar trap. Choices are what separate us from this poor bastard." Boar on a stick: "SQUEEEEEEEEE!"
Back on the beach, Sayid has some triangular plan. I don't know. I can't math. The camera spins around Sayid and Kate and Boone, who discuss this very seriously while they stand in... a triangle. And spin. I don't feel so good right now. The Fireworks Smugglers of Plot Convenience have provided Sayid with bottle rockets, and they're going to set off bottle rockets at different points on the island, and... something. I dunno. I was too busy staring at Sayid. Who needs laptop parts. Hee hee. He said "laptop." Kate knows where to find them: Sawyer.
Sawyer is kickin' it in his new tent. He's still reading that book, but I didn't catch if it was still Watership Down like the other week. I was too busy staring at him, too. Sawyer is growing on me like a damn fungus, y'all. Anyway. He and Kate banter over her seeming (read: "total") thing for Jack, whom Sawyer calls "Jacko." I think Sawyer is having an off day nickname-wise. She says that she's got Sawyer figured out: "Always taking, never giving." I am thinking that Sawyer would be plenty happy to give Kate something. Kate says she just pities him, blah blah sexual tension blee, and finally he hands over some... long silver thing. I don't know. I don't even think she even said the word "laptop," and she certainly didn't specify what from the laptop she wanted, so I have no idea what that was.
Dead Pool. Charlie's all shaky but he offers to help Jack and Hurley carry in the rest of the beach luggage, and then a suitcase breaks and he feels all useless. Then he starts scrounging for drugs, because he has "a headache." Jack's like, "A Clozapine headache?" Jack is very concerned, and sends Charlie to sit back down with his guitar. Guitars: The Anti-Drug.
Flashback to Liam again. Who is this actor? He looks way like the guy in 28 Days Later, y'all. Cillian Murphy, that's the one. Huh. Liam is actually played by Neil Hopkins. Never heard of him. Anyway. Liam is all excited about the band and Charlie's all naive like, "But if it gets ugly, we'll just walk away, right?" And Liam's eyes are all glowing and he's like, "You're the rock god, baby brother. I'm just the pretty face who sings!" And Charlie believes this. Bless.
Dead Pool. Sun wants Jin to get Jack look at his chafed wrist, and Jin's all like, "Shut up, I'll walk it off." Then he notices that Sun is wearing just a camisole instead of, like, an anorak made from the wool of fifty-nine Alpine goats and he's all like, "COVER YOURSELF, WHORE!" And Sun just looks at him and says, very carefully, "It's too hot." SNAP.
So then Hurley comes in with Charlie's guitar case like, "Jack said to bring this to you," and Charlie lights up all like, "Yeah, 'cause I'm the bassist for Driveshaft, You All Everybodehhhhh!," and Hurley's like, "No, Jack just said your stuff was just in the way." And Charlie just snaps. He stomps off and finds Jack and starts haranguing him about how they're supposed to be looking out for each other! Charlie is important! Charlie is a bloody rock god! Charlie drives a Dodge Stratus! And Jack's all like, HELP ME, HE CRAZY. And then the cave they are standing in collapses under the weight of Charlie's freakout. Oh, good.
Hurley: "Oh no." Sun: "Oh, shit." Well, she doesn't say that out loud, but I find it interesting that the second reaction shot we cut to is hers. Maybe she's the only name character left in the caves. Hurley then actually takes charge, which is interesting, and sends a panicked Charlie (who managed to weasel out of the cave-in) to the beach for help. "And make sure you tell Kate!" shouts Hurley. Heh.
Kate? Is in the jungle with Sayid. Sayid is pointing out that the tail of the plane broke off midair and yet they're all alive with hardly a scratch, pointing out what viewers have been puzzling over since the first episode. Kate has no idea what to make of this, either.
On the beach, Charlie's all like, "AHHH! JACK! CAVE! HELP!" And Mercutio takes over at this point and commandeers some guy a few feet away: "Scott?" "I'm Steve," says that guy. "I'm Scott," says the guy next to him. Mercutio's like, "WHOEVER! GET A MOVE ON!" I found this endlessly funny for some reason. It's like they're admitting that these guys are just a bunch of redshirts and no one gives a damn who they are. Boone has been left as the Bottle Rocket Point Man for the beach, so he gives this job to Snicker Bitch, because he is a moron and it's been a while since he's failed to save someone. Charlie finds a shirtless Sawyer (YAY!) and asks where Kate is. Sawyer says he'll go find Kate and tell her about Jack. Oh, I bet he will.
Flashback to a Driveshaft concert, which is friggin' adorable. I don't know why "adorable" strikes me as the correct descriptor, but it does. The band sings "You All Everybody," a song title that made more sense back when I thought it was "You Are Everybody." I would think that with all the band's success they could afford to buy a verb for their song title, but apparently not. Anyway, the concert. I was a little confused at the time as to what was going on, but Liam basically gets his rock on and sings through the whole song, which I would have... expected, seeing as how he's the... singer... but apparently Charlie gets the chorus, and Liam stepped on his chorus, and Charlie is STEAMED. Liam blows him off backstage (ew, not like that) to go horndog with some groupies and a bag of Smackfarthing, and everything gets kind of slow so that we understand that this is The Beginning of the End.
Mercutio and Mercutio's Kid arrive at the cave-in, and FINALLY we find out what Mercutio does for a living: construction. (Or at least he did for eight years.) But Mercutio's Kid wants to know where Mr. Locke is, and Hurley's all dismissive: "Locke's out in the jungle killin' stuff." Heeeeeee. So Mercutio gets all up in the cave-in and finds a structurally sound starting place for the rescue effort, and Mercutio's Kid looks on in growing awe. Awwww!
Sawyer tracks down Kate, who is rude to him, and Sayid in the jungle. So Sawyer decides to prove to her that he is good for something, and he's there to help them, although of course we actually know that he's going to stay there just so 1) he's not available to help dig up Jack and 2) Kate won't find out that Jack is close to taking the Big Dirt Nap. Nice.
Dirty Cave-In Charlie finds Locke, who's hangin' up that thar b'ar out in the jungle, and tells him about Jack. Locke is admirably calm: "You didn't really come to tell me that, did you?" Nope, Charlie wants his drugs, because he feels awful. So Locke decides to show Charlie... a cocoon. A moth cocoon. He expounds that he could take his knife and help the moth out, but it's still too weak and it would just fall out and die: "The struggle is nature's way of strengthening it." Then he says that that's Gimme My Drugs #2, and if he asks one more time, the drugs go back to Charlie. I half-expected Charlie to be like, "Fine, so--gimme. We're wastin' good drug-snorting daylight here."
Back in the cave, Mercutio and Hurley are digging and yelling for Jack and Jack is not replying and finally they hear him groan and we see inside the cave-in and Jesus, Jack is pinned in there but good.
Up in the mountains, Sayid sends Sawyer up a tree to put up the second antenna that will help him triangulate the location of the transwhatamawho. At five o'clock, he's going to fire his bottle rocket from wherever and Kate will have to do something or other with the antenna and light her bottle rocket, and theoretically Boone on the beach will light his bottle rocket, except that we know Boone isn't there because he's a moron. While Sawyer's in the tree, Sayid tells Kate to be careful because he doesn't trust Sawyer... with Kate. There is so much subtextual bom-chicka in this scene that my bomchickameter shorted out and now I have to buy a new one. Thanks a lot, man--those things are expensive.
At the cave-in, Jin says something to everyone standing there like they can understand, which cracks me up for some reason. He keeps doing that, you know? Hurley's like, "NOBODY SPEAKS CHINESE, MAN," and Mercutio corrects him: "Korean. They're Korean, man." And then he realizes that maybe he's said too much. Except that he figured out last week that they were Korean before Sun even spoke to him. So I don't know. He and Sun just exchange significant glances, I know that much. Anyway, Mercutio wants to send someone into the cave to fish Jack out, so guilty, guilty Charlie offers to do it. They try to argue but he points out that Boone has his sister, Jin has his wife, and Mercutio has his son--but Charlie has no one, no one on the island at all, woe.
Back on the mountain, Sawyer needles Kate about Jack and Kate flirts back a little. He wants to know what it is about Jack that makes her "weak in the loins." Dude--"loins"? She just laughs him off so he says, "It's 'cause he's a doctor, right? Ladies dig the doctor. Hell, gimme a couple of Band-Aids and a bottle of peroxide, I could run this island too." And then--God help us all--Kate says, "You're actually comparing yourself to Jack?" And that's when I looked at the TV and wailed, "OHHHHHHHHH NO." You should see the look on Sawyer's face, man. He looks like she just kicked his dog or peed in his Cheerios or something. So then he says--and you're sitting here like, Oh God, don't say it, don't you dare say it, don't you say it!--and he says it: "Well, if he'd actually survived a few more weeks..." And Kate's like, "WHAT?" OHHHHHHHHH NO. Sawyer tells her about Jack's Great Dirt Nap, and Kate runs off, leaving the antenna and the bottle rocket. NO, KATE, NO!
Charlie prepares to go in. Boone's like, "Be safe, man." I don't know why any effort at responsibility by Boone just cracks me up, particularly since he isn't even all that lame this week, besides leaving Snicker Bitch to do the work of a decent human being. Hurley's like, "Good luck, dude." And some redshirt's like, "I would wish you luck, too, but the show was too cheap to pay me for a speaking part." Charlie prepares to squirm into the tiny opening. God, this is like that damn Ted the Caver story. Watch out for the hodags, Charlie!
Flashback to Liam backstage (I guess) with two groupies calling out to Charlie, "Grab a bird and siddown!" Charlie kicks the groupies out because he wants to have a serious talk with his brother. I don't know how serious he expects this talk to be, though, given that he's wearing a black sleeveless something and the gayest sparkly yellow scarf ever. Like, it's tied Boy Scout-style under his neck. For real. I appreciate the Velvet Goldmine attempts but--no. Just--no. Not that Liam can tell, because he's all fucked up on the 'Farthing. Charlie wants to walk away from it all, like they talked about in the beginning. Liam is not so much about the walking away: "I AAAAAM DRIVESHAAAAAFT! NO ONE KNOWS WHO THE SODDING BASS PLAYER IS!" Also, he looks really, really scary around the eyes. So he storms off, and he leaves Charlie alone backstage, crushed and heartbroken and--oh, no. He left the Smackfarthing, didn't he? He totally did. NO, CHARLIE, NOOOO! IT'S NOT WORTH IT! AHHHHHH! Tearfully, Charlie opens the bag with his chipped black and peacock-blue fingernails (what?) and... doesn't really do anything, because this is network TV and they are not down with the visible drug use, but we are given to understand that Charlie's Mean Brother Drives Him to Drugs.
"Move, Charlie!" yell the guys outside: Cave-In Numero Dos. But rather than crawl back out, Charlie crawls further in so that he's now trapped in there with Jack.
Commercials. Ad for "Prescription Nexium": "If you suffer from acid reflux--" the guy starts, and my brain explodes from the sheer spontaneous proliferation of Ashlee Simpson jokes. God, there's another heist movie. And Lt. Bobby is returning to NYPD Blue as a ghost. Man, that show is still on?
Hurley and Mercutio are arguing when Kate shows up in a panic. Everyone looks away and pretends to be very, very interested in nearby rocks. "IS HE ALIVE???" she demands. The general consensus is, "Uh... we don't know. Charlie went in and... uh... it collapsed again." "WHY IS NOBODY DIGGING?" shrieks Kate, and she starts shoveling debris away with her hands like a mad gopher, because she's Kate Notinsale, and she's gonna dig her up a man, goddammit!
Inside the cave, Jack's shoulder is dislocated, and we have some very unfun shoulder-relocating that I did not actually watch, preceded by the obligatory "I can't do it, man!" "Yes you can!" "No I can't!" conversation that Jack has with someone every single time there's a medical emergency on the island. God, it's got to suck to be the only doctor there.
Flashback to Liam's house in Sydney. Charlie has on shades and THE STRIPY SHIRT OF PLANE CRASH DOOM OH NO. Wow, Liam looks way older. This may be because he's wearing dorky square glasses and this total grandpa v-neck sweater, like you can tell he's trying to be all hipster about it, like, "Look, I'm in my twenties but I dress like Mr. Rogers! Ironically!," but instead he just looks... fogey. Liam now has a little girl, which means that he is totally uninterested in getting back with Driveshaft. Unfortunately, Charlie confesses that no one wants to book Driveshaft without Liam: "I'm asking you as a brother," says Charlie. Only he kinda says it "broother," which is cute. Liam's like, uh... NO. And he notices that Charlie's all messed up on Smackfarthing under his sunglasses. Charlie gets mad and freaks out: "You did this to me! It used to be about the music! You took the music away from me!" Man, I wish VH1 would do a mock Behind the Music for Driveshaft. That would be awesome. Anyway, we have the whole, "Stay with us! Get help here in Sydney! Don't go!" exchange ("I'm just looking out for you!" "You never looked out for me! I used to look out for you, only I wasn't very good at it, and you ended up on drugs and groupies and booze and then you got clean and a wife and a kid and I got the shaft!") Then Charlie just sort of closes down, you can hear it in his voice, and he just says, "I have a plane to catch." Ohhhhhhhh no.
In the cave, Jack's like, "How long's it been?" Charlie: "Idunnowhatyourgoinonabout." Jack's like, drugs, duh. "Why didn't you tell me? I could have helped you." Charlie says that he didn't want to be known as the guy who was both useless and a junkie. Awww! Jack's all like, you're not useless! You totally crawled in to rescue me even though that... didn't... so much work out. And there's a bit about how the closeness of the cave reminds Charlie of confession blah, I didn't know you were religious blee, OMG LOOK THERE'S A MOTH! And Charlie brilliantly figures out that where there's moths there's air, and where there's air there's openings. Or something like that.
Kate: Still diggin' her up a man. Mercutio tells her to stop or she'll kill herself digging and Kate just glares at him. Kate don't care. Her man's in there. (Hey, I think I just wrote a country song.)
There's light! Charlie crawls up through the rubble and... wahey, his hand breaks through the dirt. Mercutio's Kid and Vincent the Yellow Doomrador are playing catch and Mercutio's Kid just points and says, "Hey, it's the doctor." Way to get excited, kid. Kate wobbles over from her afternoon of shoveling rocks barehanded and chokes Jack, who looks way better than he has any right to look, until he is dead from hug. Everyone cheers for Charlie and Charlie is happy.
Out in the jungle, Sayid looks at his watch. Awwwww, hell. He sets off his bottle rocket. Snicker Bitch is babbling about Malibu parties to some girl they didn't pay to speak, just to point at the exploding rocket in the distance, and Snicker Bitch is like, "Oh shit!" She runs over and actually manages to light her rocket and not set herself on fire. Then Sayid looks to the other side of the island, which we know that Kate totally abandoned, and... a rocket actually goes up. Well, damn. I guess Sawyer decided to be 5% less jackhole this week. Probably because he figured out that following Sayid's plan is their only hope of getting off the island. Like I said last week--if nothing else, the Jackhole is smart. So Sayid's looking at his transwhatamajig and it says "RECEIVING SIGNAL" and he's all "YUSS!!" and then OMFG SOMEONE COMES UP BEHIND SAYID AND CLOCKS HIM UPSIDE THE HEAD WITH A TWO BY FOUR WTF.
Preview. Some Bachelorette opens a can of worms. SHOW ME A LOST PREVIEW, DAMN YOU!
Wait, there's more show? Ah, yes, we haven't had a montage yet. Charlie's sitting by the fire in the cave shelter and he looks baaaaaad. I've seen canned ass three days old that looked better than Charlie. Hurley's all like, "What's wrong with him, man?" and Jack's like, "It is beyond my skill to heal. He needs Elvish medicine." And Hurley's like, "Say what?" and Jack's like, "The flu. He has the flu." "Aw, man, that sucks," says Hurley. Now, where they expect Charlie to have gotten the flu from after eight, nine, ten days on this island, I don't know. I guess that's TheraFlu he's drinking out of that teacup or something. He gets up to "stretch his legs," which means "totally get my drugs from that crazy old guy."
Walt, Mercutio's Kid, asks Mercutio if they can live in the awesome neato caves instead of on the beach where they might actually get rescued. Before never actually answering, Mercutio gives Sun a lingering look. I think that means "yes."
Kate has made Jack a sling. JUST DO IT ALREADY GOD. Jack assures her that Mercutio says the rest of the caves are safe, and that double cave-in was a total fluke. Kate says she's going back to the beach after all, to help Sayid triangulate shit. Jack thanks her for the sling anyway. DO IIIIIIIIIT.
Out in the nearby jungle, Locke is curing his b'ar with palm fronds or some shit. Charlie looks like death on toast. He's all like, "GIVE THEM TO ME." Locke looks at him like he's scum. "I've made my choice," says Charlie. I don't know why I thought the show could have possibly been over, even though it was already 8:00, because The Magic Word of the Day hadn't been brought back up until now. Locke gives him the 'Farthing, and... Charlie flicks it away into the fire. "I'm proud of you, Charlie," beams Locke. Charlie's like, "I fucking want to die, fuck you and your fucking boar." Then he gets this beatific look on his face and he looks up and there's the newborn moth flying up into the heavens and stringed instruments play hosannah and we fade out on the tears in Charlie's eyes.
PEOPLE! WHERE IS SAYID!
Actual previews for real this time: Snicker Bitch has magically started to manifest asthma after twelve days on the island with no problems. Sawyer is apparently hoarding inhalers and won't hand them over, so Jack and Sayid (I know!) take him out into the jungle and bust up on him while Carmina Fauxrana gets hysterical on the soundtrack OH NOES.
Lost 1:7, "The Moth"
We open with Charlie struggling to play guitar and Locke asking him to come for a walk because we have to, because this is Charlie's episode. More with them in a moment.