Cleolinda Jones (cleolinda) wrote,
Cleolinda Jones
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Lost 1:8, "Confidence Man"

This recap is huge because it was awesome. We open with Kate walking down the beach with what looks like a ginormous bunch of green bananas or plantains (plantanas?) slung over her back. She finds Sawyer's clothes and his copy of Watership Down on the beach, and he yells to her from the water, and then he walks out all naked, although I think there is at least one shot where we actually see him in boxers or something (unless he was very stealthily pulling on his pants and I just didn't notice), but he's shot as to totally make us think he's advancing upon Kate in the altogether in an act of sexual intimdation. To which Kate is all like, "Girl, please." And then she says something about his book and Sawyer chirps, "It's about bunnies!" This is why I cannot remember the rest of the scene, y'all. "Bunnies!"

And since this is a Sawyercentric ep, we have a flashback to Sawyer in bed with some blonde girl who looks really familiar--she looks like someone (but then so does EVERYONE on this show), but I can't put my finger on who. Not Kyra Sedgwick, but that's approaching it. Anyway, it turns out that Sawyer "has a meeting" and is late for it and he jumps out of bed to get dressed and she says something about ordering room service and he says something about "Get a sundae and when I come back, I'll use you as a dish," and duuuuuude. And then he pulls down a briefcase that falls open and a ton of money falls out and he's all like, "Uh, you were not supposed to see that." Given what we find out later, I wonder if that's true, or if this is actually part of his game.

Back in the present, Fully-Clothed Sawyer and his precious book are walking back through the jungle to the beach and he hears a noise and I seriously expected him to yell, "Kate, is that you?" like EVERYONE DOES whenever it's 90% more likely that it's a boar or an invisible mechasaur or an OMGWTFPOLARBEAR. But the Jackhole is smart: not only does he not yell, it actually turns out to be someone from camp for once. It's Boone, rifling through Sawyer's stash.

The Dead Pool. Sayid has apparently come to and dragged his whacked-up ass back to camp--or to the caves, rather, because that's where the island doctor is. Captain Hero Dr. Jack is on the case with... a bottle of hydrogen peroxide? And Sayid's like, "Thank God for the peroxide smugglers!" Also, he sadly reveals that the equipment was busted up by whoever kicked his ass, which I can only take to include the transwhatamajig. You will be missed, transwhatamawho. And Sayid says they will find "the man responsible." The man. I'm just saying.

Back on the beach, we have a rare appearance by Babymama of the Apocalypse. Charlie has a water delivery for her and tries to get her to move into the caves. The Charlie/Mama ship sails on full speed ahead. Babymama wants to stay on the beach for "when we get rescued," and Charlie's all, "When we get rescued. Right." Bless.

The Dead Pool. Here comes Boone staggering back covered in blood, although it looks mostly like a split lip or a scalp wound or something--you know, something that bleeds like hell but heals up by the next day. Sawyer's kicked his ass. It's apparent that Sawyer is now the top suspect in all island beatings. Boone fesses up that he was looking for Snicker Bitch's inhalers, and Jack's like, "Say what?" Well, that's Boone's copy of Watership Down that Sawyer has been reading, so Boone reasons that if Sawyer's got his book, Sawyer's got his luggage, and in his luggage was Snicker Bitch's other four inhalers. And Jack speaks for all of us when he says, "She's got asthma?" Yeah, I don't know either. And Boone's like, "She's kinda embarrassed about it. I guess breathing isn't cool or something." Heh. Jack gets a hard look in his eyes.

Jack marches over to Sawyerland and starts going through Sawyer's precious stuff. Sawyer wants to know what the hell he's doing, and Jack's all indignant that he beat up a boy looking for his sister's medicine, and Sawyer says, "No, I whupped a thief. I don't know what kind of commie sharefest you're running over there in cavetown..." and I missed the rest of the sentence. I think it was something like, "but over here [in Sawyerland], possession is nine-tenths of the law." Commie sharefest in cavetown. The man has grown on me LIKE A FUNGUS. Anyway, Kate breaks it up and Jack slinks away.

Flashback: Sawyer is explaining his big business deal. It's something about oil mining and tripling your money in a week, which--no. I have yet to hear of a single case in which "Free money, fast!" ever came true. But in this little fantasy, Sawyer has to pony up $140,000, and he's got some guy in--I don't remember, Toronto or something?--who will put up the other $160,000 to buy a $300K share. "Jess! This is my chance!" he enthuses. While we're at it? "This is my chance!" has never led anyone anywhere good. A little tip from me to you, there. Jess gets all slinky and says to ditch this other investor (if indeed he actually exists) and take her as a partner--she'll get the other half of the money FROM HER HUSBAND OH NOES.

Kate tells Jack that she can get the medicine out of Sawyer. What makes her think that? "He says we have a connection," mutters Kate. Jack: "Do you?" Kate: "What is this, The Bachelor?" Okay, she actually says, "Please."

So she finds Sawyer chopping firewood on the edge of the jungle and she just says, no preamble, "What do you want?" And Sawyer jackholes, "Freckles, there's so many answers to that question, I wouldn't know where to start." I am thinking that a sundae might be one of them, though. "For the medicine," says Kate, who is having none of this. "A kiss oughta do it," he says. Kate calls bullshit again and says that she doesn't buy "the act," because he's trying too hard to make everyone hate him. You'll notice I'm transcribing this scene pretty thoroughly, and that's because it is awesome, albeit in a pretty awful way, and the awesomeness kicks in when Kate adds that she's seen Sawyer with "that piece of paper." Ohhhhhhh no. Sawyer starts chopping really hard. She keeps talking about it and finally he looks up and snarls "SHUTUP!," and Mommy, the bad man scares me. So he whips the letter out and throws it at her and tells her to read it and find out what kind of man he really is. No, really: "READ IT. OUT LOUD." YUSS! ANSWERS! Now, my theory was that it was some "Dear Sawyer" letter from some woman who left him, and the introduction of Jess kinda supported that. That is totally not what the letter is about. And I transcribe here it nearly verbatim, because it's pretty shocking:

Dear Mr. Sawyer, you don't know who I am but I know who you are and I know what you've done. You had sex with my mother, and took my dad's money, so he got angry and killed my mother and killed himself, too. All I know is your name, but one of these days I'm going to find you and give you this letter so you'll know what you done to me. You killed my parents, Mr. Sawyer.

And Sawyer's like, "Now, about that kiss." Kate's just sort of looking away in horror. "I didn't think so."

And then there is a really creepy eBay commercial about a little boy whose toy boat is lost at sea and a Japanese fisherman puts it on eBay like thirty years later and the tagline is, "What if nothing was ever forgotten? What if nothing was ever lost?" It's totally the whispered tone and the creepy music. I have no idea why they had to make the commercial so creepy, but it's the last thing you want to hear after "One of these days I'm going to find you and tell you what you done to me."

And then there's a commercial for asthma medication. Heh.

Sayid comes upon Locke whittling something to kill with and starts interrogating him. Locke says that the only witness to his whereabouts when Sayid was clocked was the boar he was fanning with palm fronds or whatever, but that whoever hit Sayid (Sawyer) would be someone who doesn't want them to get rescued (Sawyer) and profits from them being on the island (Sawyer). I mean, after next week's previews, I think we all know it wasn't Sawyer, but Locke all but says, "And his name starts with S and ends in awyer." Sayid points out that Sawyer has an alibi: the bottle rocket he set off last episode. Locke counters that "anyone who watches TV knows how to make a time-delay fuse." What I love is that, not only do I clearly need to start watching the shows Locke watches, Sayid just stares at him like he doesn't know, either. "Use a cigarette," Locke says finally. Who's hoarding cigarettes, among other things? The Jackhole, that's who. And then Locke gives Sayid his whittlin' knife "in case there's a next time." Oh God.

Snicker Bitch goes into another asthma attack just as Sawyer strolls into the Dead Pool camp to get more water (ohhhhh no). Sun is watching with what I can only describe as a guilty look on her face. Jack storms over to Sawyer and basically gets his Charlie on and says GIMME THE MEDS NOW and punches the cup of water right out of Sawyer's mouth. Sawyer counters with another lame nickname so Jack punches him some more, and Sawyer's like, "That all you got?" Jesus. It reminds me of when Sister Girl was little and she'd get spanked and then she'd sass back, "That didn't hurt! DO IT AGAIN HARDER!" I mean, Jesus. Jack pretty much has the same reaction, and stares at Sawyer for a good long time, and finally just shakes his head and walks away. Jin shepherds Sun away from the scene as well.

Flashback. Sawyer has taken Jess and Mr. Jess to lunch. His hair is all wet-combed down, and he looks weirdly like Brad Pitt circa Thelma and Louise. Which is fitting, if you think about the Brad Pitt character in that movie. And delicious. In fact, I'm kind of starting to wonder if that wasn't the inspiration for Sawyer in general. Anyway, Sawyer reverse-psychology jackholes that he's not sure taking Mr. Jess's money for the oil mining is a good idea. Jess is all like, DO EEEEET. Sawyer's all like, "I don't know you, but I know your wife..." And boy howdy DOES HE. Anyway, Sawyer shows Mr. Jess his half of the money in the briefcase and tells him he can keep it overnight to check it out and make sure that it's real. (Damn, Sawyer looks good with his hair combed down.) Suddenly he changes his mind and says, "You know, let's not do this. I'll cover lunch, no hard feelings," and he gets up from the table and walks away, and Mr. Jess is all like, "WAIT!" And Sawyer smiles this little devil smile towards the camera: hook, line, and sinker.

Beach. Charlie and Babymama are talking about foods they miss--I think they started talking about cloud shapes, but Charlie can't think about anything but food ("Toffee and cream!," I think he said). Charlie can't believe that Babymama doesn't have cravings for "pickles, or fried ice cream." Babymama confesses that she's the only Australian who loves peanut butter, and while I'm sure this isn't precisely true, I have to admit... I have found precious few people outside the States who dig the PB, which I always find shocking. Anyway, Charlie says that he will find Babymama some peanut butter, and when he does, she has to move into the caves and "leave the sandy shore of depression." He says this to a cheerful woman in a sunhat lounging on a sunny beach. I think Charlie has switched from 'Farthing to crack rock.

The Dead Pool. Snicker Bitch is pretty bad gone--she's all purple-bruisy around the eyes. I still kinda wish she'd managed to be a total hor in between dying gasps, just for some character continuity, but okay. Jack crouches down by her and tells her that it's not just the asthma, it's also anxiety--basically, she's freaking out that she's going to die, and I can't say she doesn't have good reason here. But basically, he works with her until she's breathing through her nose again and calms down a bit. So... okay, I heart Captain Hero Dr. Jack. Hurley does, too: "Wow, man. That was awesome. That was like a... Jedi moment." Really, he says it in this tiny little voice like what he saw was too sacred to actually be named. Hee.

Sayid catches up with Jack in the jungle, or vice versa, or something. He asks what happens if Snicker Bitch doesn't get her medication, and Jack doesn't answer. Sayid tells him that he spent five years in the Republican Guard, if you know what he means, and he thinks you do, and Jack's all like, "I thought you were a communications officer." Sayid says, well, he was also trained in ways of getting the enemy to... communicate. "Just give me ten minutes with him." Sayid looks a little too eager to get his mitts on the Jackhole. Jack looks squicked for real.

Now Charlie's enlisting Hurley to help him find peanut butter, and makes the mistake of insisting, "Look, there's got to be something stashed around here somewhere--look at you!" Hurley is pissed: "That guy hoarding the food, that's what you think?" "No! I--I mean--" "I'm down a notch in my belt," Hurley says resentfully, and I don't quite catch the wording here, but he says something along the lines of, "I'm a big guy, so it's going to be a while before you can give me a piggyback ride!" And Charlie's all like, "Sorry! Sorry--it was bad form." Pause. "Not even--?" "DUDE?" "Sorry! I'm sorry!" Hee.

The Dead Pool. Mercutio squirts himself with guts while trying to clean a fish. At least, I think that's what happened. And while he's cussing to himself, Sun creeps up and tells him that she thinks she can help Snicker Bitch.

Meanwhile, Sawyer wakes up in Sawyerland to find Sayid standing over him. Sayid very politely says, "Good morning," and then WHACK. Kate's like "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!" Jack and Sayid are dragging Unconscious Headwound Sawyer off to the jungle, that's what. And Kate's like, "If you do this--!!" But she doesn't say what, although I'm thinking "I will never sleep with EITHER OF YOU!" is sort of implied here.

So Sawyer wakes up on his knees tied to a tree in the jungle, and correctly diagnoses the situation with, "Uh-oh. I'm in trouble now here." Jack good-cops that all he wants are the inhalers, and "we'll stop." Sawyer, nicknaming to the very last, is all like, "Stop what, Chico?" And he glances over to Sayid whittling bamboo with Locke's knife, because they don't observe the Geneva Convention over here in Sayidistan. "It doesn't have to be this way," says a helpless Jackstralia. "Yeah, it does," says Sawyer, because YOU FUCKING MORON WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU. Sayid brings over some nice sharp bamboo shoots and talks about how they don't have bamboo in Iraq, they have reeds, and then he says "underneath the fingernails" and I have no idea what he said after that, because I was trying not to pass out. Sawyer says, "You know what I think, Ali? I think you've never tortured anyone in your life." "Unfortunately for both of us," Sayid says very calmly, "you're wrong." You will forgive me for not watching this part. Seriously, I am typing with my eyes closed. (I type pretty good, don't I?) I gather that Sayid is inserting the bamboo shoots. Sawyer's all like, and I quote: "That's all you've got? Don't stop now, my sinuses just clear--AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! WAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHH!!!! HAAAAAAAGHAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!" And then he makes a sound I can't really reproduce with our current alphabet. Jack looks ill over in a corner. You and me both, babe. Then Sayid puts a knife up to Sawyer's eye and I seriously can't--y'all know I have an eye thing. No sir, Sayid. You are grounded. Fortunately Sawyer buckles at this point, and shouts, "OKAY! Only person I'll tell is her." Jack's all like, Kate? Yes, your non-girlfriend, Spunky. Make a move or get off the pot.

We flashback to a big Ving Rhames-type at a pool table in a bar asking Sawyer if he wants to die. "Because when a man tells me he left $160,000 of my hard-earned dollars in the hand of a civilian, I can't help but think he wants the sweet release of death." Which is interesting, because 1) not only was the whole deal a setup, Sawyer wasn't even using his own money in the first place, and 2) Not-Ving says "$160K" when Sawyer told Jess that his half of the deal was $140K. I can't tell if this is a continuity error or an indication that Sawyer was going to scam an extra $20,000 off this guy, which does NOT look like a good idea. Meanwhile, Sawyer is detailing his MO to Not-Ving: "Wives are easy--couple of Cosmos, show 'em some some tricks they ain't never seen before between the sheets... The husbands need to see the money." Not-Ving takes a dim view of all this and demands that Sawyer bring back 150% of his money by tomorrow. Sawyer looks a little ill.

Sawyer looks up to see Kate approaching in a really cute green top. Also? We now have to add Sandra Bullock to the list of people Kate Notinsale looks like. "So I'm here," she says, "Where is it?" Sawyer will be happy to tell her as soon as he gets that aforementioned kiss. Kate is like, Bitch, are you for real? And Sawyer says, no kidding: "Baby, I'm tied to a tree in a jungle of mystery, and I just been tortured by a spinal surgeon and a gen-u-wine Iraqi. Of course I'm serious." (I think he said "Jungle of mystery." I can't be sure.) He asks if she can't spare one little kiss to save Snicker Bitch from dying: "Hell, it's only first base. I ain't greedy." Awwww, the look on his face! It's not the jackhole look you would expect--more of a weary yearning, I guess. So Kate goes in for the kiss, and I personally find it pretty funny that you immediately see Sawyer's tongue, even though she's more with the closed-lip action at first, and--can I just say right here that I am fortunate enough to have something like a 21-22" TV, but it's not so much of a blessing when you're watching two people tongue-kiss in close-up on it? Dear Camera Guy: Pull back a few inches, plzkthnx. However, this does enable us to notice that Kate gets a little into it, and has to pull herself back. And then Sawyer says, "I don't have it." "WHAT?" "The medicine. I don't have it, never did." Kate wants to know how he got Boone's book, then. "Book washed up on shore," he says, although I would like to point out that any book that "washes" up on shore is not likely to be readable anymore. Kate would like to point out her displeasure with her fist, and punches Sawyer but goooood. Sawyer does not ask Kate if that's all she's got, let's put it that way.

Kate comes out of the clearing and breaks the bad news to Jack and Sayid, who proceeds to go apeshit, yelling "HE DESTROYED THE TRANSWHATAMATHING!" and charging Sawyer with murder in his eye. Now, somehow Sawyer has taken his moment alone to wriggle out of his bonds, and pretty soon Sayid and Sawyer are rolling around on the ground fighting like wild dogs, and then Locke's knife comes out, and Sayid hits an artery in Sawyer's arm with it. I'm surprised that Sayid didn't just gut him like a fish, but okay. Jack sends Sayid back to the caves for his Leather Backpack O' Medical Goodness, and Sayid, to his credit, only hesitates a moment before running off like a good boy to get it. Again: Surprised he didn't just finish the job while he was at it.

The Dead Pool. Boone is watching Snicker Bitch sleep when Sayid rushes in covered in Sawyer's blood. Boone is shocked to find out that they've been torturing Sawyer because... they didn't tell him? "She's MY sister!" Like, what, you wanted in on it? Ass. He wants to rush off with Sayid, because HE RUNS A BUSINESS!, but Snicker Bitch is all like, "Don't leave me here alone!" And it's not even bitchy and demanding, it's all weak and childlike. Dammit, why won't you let me hate her anymore! GAH! Sayid watches this touching scene rather than SAVE THE BLEEDING MAN WHO KINDA LOOKS LIKE BRAD PITT, DAMN. But finally he gets on his way, and Mercutio come back with an armful of, like, kingsfoil or some shit for Sun, and Jin is all mad. We don't get subtitles so I don't know what his specific beef is, but--you know, take a guess. She walks off without a word and Jin turns to Mercutio and Mercutio's all like, "Don't, man. Don't even."

Over in the jungle, Sawyer is bleeding to death while Kate and Jack are trying to manually hold the blood in, and he's gritting, "Let go, I know you want to. What else I got to live for. There's something you should know... if the tables were turned, I'd let you die." Captain Hero Jack and Kate Notinsale, Fugitive with a Heart of Gold, pay no heed.

Back in the flashback at Casa Jess, Mr. Jess and Sawyer "are cool," and he promises they'll get their money back tripled within the next week. Riiiiiight. And Jess is reminding her husband how Sawyer let them keep the money overnight and they could have skipped town with it so they should trust Sawyer. And then their kid toddles into the room and glares at Sawyer, and he stares back strickenly. Now, given what we know is in the letter, my first thought was that the kid had already caught Sawyer and Jess in flagrante de nasty and that's why they were looking at each other like that, because otherwise it looks like they can both frickin' see into the future. And then suddenly Sawyer says, "Deal's off." The husband starts shouting and Jess is like, "IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO WORK THIS WAY! YOU SAID WE WOULD--" and Mr. Jess is all like, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" and ohhhhhhh no. And now I'm wondering if Mr. Jess is going to go batshit and start killing and the irony is going to be that Sawyer didn't even end up taking the money after all, which kind of doesn't make sense, but oh no. It's a lot worse than that.

Sawyer wakes up in Sawyerland with a nicely bandaged arm and Kate waiting in a nearby airplane seat. She tells him that Jack is back at the Dead Pool checking on Snicker Bitch, and Kate's been reading the letter over and over to try to figure out why he acts the way he does, why he wants people to hate him. And then she reveals that she noticed the stamp on the envelope is a Bicentennial stamp, which means that the letter wasn't written to Sawyer--it was written by Sawyer (OMGWTF). Sawyer confesses that "Sawyer" is not, in fact, his name--"It was his name. He was a confidence man," who preyed on his mother and "wiped [his parents] out clean. I wrote that letter, wrote it knowin' one day I'd find him. That ain't the sad part." Well, I would think the sad part is that now he's stranded on a deserted island and he won't find him (OR WILL HE?), but no. The sad part is that when Sawyer (or "Sawyer") was 19, he pulled the same scam, and has been doing it ever since. "How's that for a tragedy? I became Sawyer." Okay: whoa. Also, the way he says that is totally creepy, for some reason, like Sawyer is this disembodied evil spirit or something. Then he snatches the letter back and expels the diplomatic embassy of Katebabwe from Sawyerland.

And then there is some creepy Ford commercial involving a resurrected CGI Steve McQueen. Ugh.

Sun is ministering to Snicker Bitch with the hands of a healer and shit. Jack is chagrined to sniff the stuff and realize that it's eucalyptus, and if he'd had half a brain, he might have thought of that, too. Heh. Meanwhile, Snicker Bitch is totally blissed out. Jack thanks Sun and she smiles. And Jin gives her the stink-eye. Ass.

Charlie? Babymama finds him packing up her stuff, because he's found her some PB and she's moving to the caves. She can't believe it. He says, hesitantly, that the only problem is... "It's extra smooth." What? And why is that a problem? (I was honestly expecting him to have found some airline peanuts and painstakingly creamed them himself or something at this point.) But no, he pulls out an empty jar, and Babymama is like, "That's an empty jar," and Charlie's like, "No it's not! It's full to the brim." I don't know why, but there's something oddly sensual about the way he says this. On message boards across the internets, The Good Ship Charlie Loves Babymama steams into port. Then he puts his finger into the (empty) jar and licks it, and says, "It's the best... bloody peanut butter... I've ever tasted. Want some?" And that was the moment I fell in love with Charlie.

Kate stares at the sea. Sayid comes by all packed up and says, "I can't stay here," and Kate lays out one of her patented WHAT?s. "What I almost did, I swore to do never again. If I can't keep that promise, I have no right to be here," he says, referring to his little torture chamber back in the jungle nation of Sayidistan. "Someone has to walk the shore and map the island. I can't think of a better person to do it than the only one I trust. I hope we meet again." Awwwwww. And then he kisses Kate's hand. AWWWWWWW. And that was the moment I fell in love with Sayid.

Musical Montage of the Week. Charlie and Babymama walk up the beach back to the caves. Boone brings Snicker Bitch water, and she smiles at him. I am bitterly disappointed that she doesn't snark that it's not Evian or something. I miss the Bitch. Sawyer reads his letter. Again. Oh, wait, no, he's holding a lighter to it. Wait, no he's not, he's backing down. So... I don't know. And Sayid walks off into the west, which is a nice segue to the next episode.

Next week: Sayid walks into one of those ropy traps that grab you by the ankle and haul you up into a tree. Someone with long hair comes at him with a hypodermic needle OH SHIT.


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