Cleolinda Jones (cleolinda) wrote,
Cleolinda Jones
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Lost 1:9, "Solitary"

You know, it's a shame David Fury wrote an episode so awesome that I'm pretty sure we all spent the whole evening expecting some equally earthshattering revelation about Sayid. I probably sound a little cranky, but I did like the episode. It felt kind of uneven, but I think I felt more snark than squee tonight, so don't take the recap as an indication of the episode quality.

Beach. Sayid is taking a break from mapping the island by indulging in that favorite castaway pastime, musing over thematically significant relics from his pre-crash life. To catch you up, it's a picture of an Arabic woman with something written on the back. Brilliantly, the writing is also in Arabic, and so we have no idea what it says. Then he randomly notices a bit of rope lying in the sand, and he pulls it up, and it's... tied to something in the ocean? I don't know. The other end leads into the Jungle of Mystery (tm Sawyer). Let's follow it, shall we?

Sawyerland. Captain Hero Dr. Jack is trying to change Sawyer's bandages, and Sawyer is an ungrateful jackhole. I mean, you can make the case that Jack and Sayid shouldn't have tortured him, but all the man had to do was say, "I don't have the fucking inhalers, and you can search my luggage if you don't believe me." The man's grown on me, but that doesn't mean I understand why the hell he acted the way he did in the last episode. Anyway. Jack's like, "I'M here because no one else gives shit #1 about your bitch ass, so why don't you shut it, jackhole." Sawyer smirks and says, "She does," meaning Her Kateness. Jack's like, "Fuck you, change your own bandages," and stomps off.

He finds Kate on the beach angsting about--not Sawyer; not Jack--Sayid. HA. She's all bitter that Sayid felt he had to leave because he felt so guilty about torturing Sawyer (and being really good at it, too). Like it was Jack's idea or something, and Sayid didn't come up to him all like, "C'mon, gimme ten minutes with the guy, pretty please with sugar!" Jack's like, "Man, I hate you all." Oh, and he also expresses confidence that Sayid the ex-soldier can take care of himself.

Jungle of Mystery. Sayid, taking care of himself, finds a tripwire in the foliage and gingerly steps over it while I shout "YOU MORON!" at the TV. I mean, is it not possible to go find the end of the wire and walk around it? So of course he manages to set off, like, three dozen other tripwires and the original wire is like "HA HA!" and a nice rope-around-the-foot trap yanks him up into a tree. And then some primitive kind of arrow shoots out and stabs him in the leg real good. Nice.

Night. Sayid is still hanging there, and he looks pretty bad. He's muttering deliriously in what I guess is Arabic. A knife flashes out and cuts him down.

The Dead Pool. Some nebbish with glasses that we've never seen before is freaking out over his flesh-eating malarial pox or whatever, and Jack's like, "HIVES. You've got HIVES." Hurley says, "Man, everybody is way tense. It would be totally sweet if we could have something to do." Okay, he didn't really say "totally." Jack just turns this frazzled glare on him, and Hurley dudes, "You are totally not mellow, man. It's not so bad out here! It's not even like we have bills to pay or anything. You just have to, like, not get eaten or fall off a cliff or anything. See? Not hard. Things could totally be worse." Jack snorts.

Hut of Mystery. Yeah, you could be Sayid. He comes to and this weirdly asexual voice echoes over and over, Where is Alex? Dónde está Alex? Oú est Alex? Wo ist Alex? nuqDaq 'oH Alex? And Sayid is like, "I don't know!" and Crazy Voice is all like "MY ELECTROSHOCK THINKS YOU DO!" And poor Sayid is like, "I don't know [SIZZLE] any Alex [SIZZLE] augh stop please [SIZZLE]--"

And so we flashback to Sayidistan, where Sayid is punching some guy in, like, a dark interrogation warehouse where you can get all the best torture techniques for rock-bottom prices and the guy is like, "AUGH STOP PLEASE!" Oh, the transition, she is so clever. "Then start answering my questions," says Sayid. "I can do this all day." And the guy with him is all like, "Yeah, that's what you said last night," and... look, I'm just trying to tell you that this guy likes Sayid a lot. Anyway. Sayid tells the prisoner in Arabic, I assure you we already know the truth. I only want you to admit it. This is when I totally would have been like, "Well, bullshit, or you wouldn't be wasting your time beating me up." And then she dead from her own stupidity, so... it's probably for the best that they're not asking me. And then he says in English, "And all the pain will stop." Now, why any of the characters in the Sayidistan flashbacks speak English I could not tell you. Probably for the same reason that Sawyer made Kate read a humiliating letter out loud even though he practically had it memorized anyway: IT'S TV. And then Sayid tells the guy that if he cooperates, they'll "cut off [his] hands instead of [his] life." And the guy audibly ralphs in terror all over the floor. Nice.

Outside Warehouse of Pain, Sayid's like, "Lt. Other Guy, dude, your sources were wrong. He knows nothing." And I kinda missed the finer points of this conversation, but I think Lt. Other Guy is Sayid's superior, and he likes Sayid so very much that he's going to give him a promotion and reassign him after they find the bombers they're looking for. How do I know the guy likes him? "Don't call me 'sir' when it's just the two of us." Bom-chicka-wa. I'm just saying. Then some woman is led past them into custody and she catches Sayid's eye and I thought at this point that he totally recognized her from wherever, but given what we find out, I don't know if he was just surprised to see a woman being led in or thought she maybe looked familiar or what. He certainly doesn't know her by name at this point, though.

The Dead Pool. Locke and some red shirt played by Tom Cruise's more mundane cousin come back from hunting late at night. No, really, Tom Cruise's actual cousin. Okay, the guy's name is Ethan. Seriously, though, he weirds me out, because he looks exactly like what you'd think Tom Cruise would look like if he were a normal human being and not, like, a vaunted demigod. Jack's like, "Uh, why are you guys hunting in the middle of the night? And who's this guy, anyway?" Seriously--what? It's all new characters a-gogo this week. Locke says something about Ethan having some kind of "experience" in something, I didn't catch what. Ebola Jones may also be over in the corner whining about his flesh-eating rash, I'm not sure; I was too busy with the new-character whiplash to really pay attention. Then Mercutio's Kid is all like, "Mr. Locke, can I go hunting with you?" And Mercutio wakes up and shuts him down but good. "BOY, YOU CRAZY? SIT YOUR ASS BACK DOWN."

Hut of Mystery. Sayid is still getting electroshock and this makes me sad: "Please! [SIZZLE] Just listen to me! [SIZZLE] I don't know who Alex is!" Then a special delivery from the Department of Back Story arrives and he tells her all about he survived a plane crash and he and all these other telegenic castaways discovered the transmission with a French woman on it and it's been running for sixteen years. And the voice repeats the entire French message. Ohhhhhhh no. "Sixteen years. Has it really been that long?" And then she comes over to Sayid and she's like, "YOU. You just 'happened' to hear my distress call? I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE." And she punches him out. Ohhhhhhhh no. Bitch gone crazy, y'all.

Hut of Mystery, sometime later. Crazy is rummaging through her stuff. For those of y'all who can't actually watch the show, I have to tell you here: this is a woman seriously in need of a hot oil treatment. Sayid looks around and sees the name "ROUSSEAU" printed on a jacket ("Rousseau" and "Locke." Nice) and he calls her that and she's all like, HOW DID YOU KNOW MY NAME, like, way to agitate the psychopath, Sayid. He points out the jacket but she's still pretty squirrelly. And then she calls him by name and I started freaking out and then she's like, "Heh. Your name is on the envelope you were carrying." And then the crazy bitch wants to know who the girl in the photo in the envelope is. (Look, I know she's supposed to be kind of unbalanced, but it's hilarious to me that one minute she's like, "YOU! I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE! THE POLAR BEARS WATCH ME UNDRESSING! THE PLANTAINS LISTEN TO MY SECRETS IN THE DEPTHS OF THE NIGHT!" and the next minute she's like, "So, who's the babe?") "Nadia," says Sayid, because when in doubt? Humor the crazy.

Sayidistan. Sayid goes in to talk to the girl they brought to Warehouse of Pain, who is of course also Photograph Nadia. Actually, he calls her "Noor" and "Noor" says, "Nobody calls me that, you of all people should know that, Sayid. You don't remember me?" So of course they went to, like, preschool together, and little Nadia pushed Sayid into the mud and her mother was all "Why must you pick on little Sayid?" and I just started laughing at that point. And why did she? "Because he ignores me." Sayid's all like, "You had enough attention with your family's wealth and your... charm." And Nadia's all like, "You always were older than your years." So--number one: thanks again, Exposition Squad; and number two: JUST DOOOOOO IIIIIIIT. The sexual tension trips the bomchickameter (dammit! I just bought that one!) so Sayid switches back to interrogation mode and she's all like, "Girl, please," and she shows him the acid burns and the drill scars (!) from previous interrogations: "These are handiworks of your friends! The people you swear allegiance to. Go on, Sayid, do your work. I 'm not going to tell you anything." And Sayid says, very sadly, "Then I'm going to hurt you." And she says, "I know."

Hut of Mystery. Sayid tells Crazy Rousseau that he was a soldier, but it was a long time ago. I'm immediately curious as to how he ended up leaving the service and what he'd been doing since, but this is not the kind of show to tell me. Crazy Rousseau wants to know who Photograph Nadia is, so Sayid counters, "Alex, who is he?" Crazy Rousseau clams up.

The Dead Pool. Mercutio's Kid is bored. Part of the point of the Locke-Ethan scene was that they brought back a bag for Hurley to go through, because Hurley is... the bag... goer-througher... or something. Hurley finds something in the bag and we don't see what but this look goes over his face and Jack's like, "What are you doing?" and Hurley lays out this total psycho chortle. Uh.

Hut of Mystery. Sayid is explaining about the transmission and insisting that he didn't know Crazy Rousseau was still alive and Crazy's all like "LIES! And why are you running around out here by yourself?" And Sayid tells her that he left the other castaways because he... did something. That he was ashamed of. And Crazy's like, "Nadia, you left her too?" No, she wasn't on the plane. "She's dead. Because of me," Sayid says, and Crazy Rousseau comes over and starts stroking his face and should I remind you here that Sayid is still tied to a bed or something? I should really remind you. And I was watching this wondering why this woman, who is not only on a psychotic break but appears to have a really short attention span, is suddenly so engrossed by Sayid's tale of woe. And then I remembered that this is the first man she's seen in sixteen years, and I really need to buy a warranty/service plan for the bomchickameter. "I wanna show you something," she says. Yeah, I bet she does.

Mercutio is showing Jack sketches of something and Jack's like, "Wow, you drew this?" No, you moron, the polar bear drew it. Also, thanks for the vote of confidence. Mercutio says that he was an artist "in a past life." Jack points out that he said he was in construction. Well, that too. Mercutio basically says it's a long story, and one I'm sure we won't get to hear until we've had at least one more Jack episode. Sigh. Anyway, the sketches are of a shower system Mercutio's worked up to keep their drinking and bathing water separate. Man, crash me on an island with this guy. Then Charlie runs up and says Hurley's all worked up about something, come see!

"Welcome to the Island Open," says Hurley."Two holes, three par, no waiting." He and Charlie and Mercutio and Jack are standing in a beautiful open meadow. (Do tropical islands have meadows? Well, they do now.) Mercutio asks if this is what Hurley's wasted his time on, like there was something else Hurley was supposed to be doing. ("These bags won't go through themselves, dude!") And Jack's like, "You built a golf course?" Jeez, man, all he did was dig a couple of holes and make some flags. You people really do need to mellow. Hurley's like, "Look, dudes. Everyone is stressed. We've been running from boars, monsters, polar bears--" "Polar bears?" says Mercutio. "You didn't hear about the polar bear?" says Charlie. Way to keep a secret, fools. And Hurley goes on about how they need to have some fun before they all implode from the stress of trying to survive and I am just sitting there staring at the TV in shock that Mercutio does not step up and just go, "Wait, wait wait, back this train the fuck up: POLAR BEARS?"

Crazy Rousseau has a broken music box that committed mechanical suicide rather than live with her crazy any longer and Sayid offers to fix it. Which of course involves freeing his hands. There's some conversation about a Robert and Crazy Rousseau loved him and he is totally separate from Alex and I am confused (at this point watching the show). She changes the subject by asking what's written on the back of the Nadia photograph and he's begging her to free his hands and then she pulls out a hypodermic needle OH NOES.

Jack and Mercutio are having a powwow. "This is a problem, man." "I know what I'd do," says Mercutio. Jack thinks about it. "Give me a seven iron." Hurley and Charlie heckle Jack from the end of the course, and Hurley, like, gyrates and stuff, and a thousand fangirls pass out from the mere thought that it could have been Charlie doing that instead. Ebola Jones trudges up in search of Jack because his testicular psoriasis is acting up or something and now he gets all judgmental: "Are you playing GOLF? Can I play?"

Sayid wakes up shackled in a chair--apparently Crazy Rousseau gave him a sedative so he wouldn't fight and run away. "Why would you fix my music box after the way I trapped you and tied you up and electroshocked you and knocked you upside the head and sedated you?" she asks. I notice that on this show people tend to say "This thing you're about to do, why would you do that, after the way other people treated you three scenes ago?" a lot. And then the writer gets to have the character tell the viewers why. I think I'm going to start doing that in real life: "I just called you a fat cow. Why are you still sitting on my bed?" Sayid does not reply with the obvious answer, which is, "So you'll stop doing those things, you crazy, crazy bitch." But first, he wants to know her name, which is Danielle. Danielle Rousseau. Ah, so "Crazy" is her middle name. How did she come to be on the island? "We were a science team from the last Babylon station..." Was Robert on the team? Yes. Was Alex? Crazy Rousseau does not answer, you will note. She goes through the whole back story--ship, Tahiti, malfunction, storm, "the sounds" (whatever those were), the ship ran aground, the hull breached beyond repair, the team set up camp, etc. "Nearly two months we survived here," she says, and maybe it's just the way she phrases it, but I was totally expecting her to be like, "And then a polar bear ATE US and WE DIED and now we're just GHOSTS. Have you seen The Sixth Sense? I love that movie." And Sayid's like, "You said 'it' killed them all." And Crazy says, "We were coming back from the black rock." (This is the "rocher noir" you may have heard in the transmission.) "It was them. They were the carriers." And Sayid's like, "The what?" "The carriers!" "WHO?" "The others!" "WHAT OTHERS? WHAT IS THE BLACK ROCK?" "NO, THE BLACK ROCK'S ON SECOND!" Oh, and Crazy hears voices whispering in the jungle. Sayid's like, Ohhhhhhh, fuck, she crazy for real. "You think I'm insane," she says, and Sayid does the sympathetic head shake of No, Really, I... Yeah, Pretty Much.

Sayidistan flashback. Sayid brings Nadia food. Sayid thinks he can get her out of there if she'll cooperate, and Nadia frickin' flirts with him, all like, "If they let me go I won't have these visits to look forward to anymore." WOMAN! "This isn't a game!" says Sayid. "And yet you keep playing it," she says. I just--WOMAN!

I don't know if this is supposed to be ironic or what, but we go from the flirtations of a Muslim woman swathed from head to foot in fabric to a long pan over Snicker Bitch in her bikini. Boone runs up and tells her about the golf course, and Kate overhears and kinda makes a "Heh" face to herself. And from the sidelines Sawyer jackholes to her, "A doctor playin' golf. What's next, a cop eatin' donuts?" And Kate says, quite rightly, "If you wanna come, you should just say so." Sawyer says that he doesn't like crowds and they don't like him, and Kate says, "From one outcast to another: make more of an effort." I hope she's referring to her past as Kate Notinsale, Fugitive with a Heart of Gold, because she's the frickin' prom queen here on the island. Sawyer: "Duly noted!"

"Some things can be fixed," Sayid anvils as he hands over the fixed music box, but he palms the screwdriver before Crazy Rousseau notices that it's gone. He begs her to let him go and she's like "YOU CAN'T. It's not safe! You need me! You can't leave!" And then there's this loud elephanty sound and Crazy grabs a rifle and says, "If we're lucky, it's one of the bears," and Sayid says, "IF WE'RE LUCKY?" And he tries to get her to stay because, as Sister Girl pointed out, what if she gets eaten by a bear or something and he's left to rot shackled to that chair? He yells something about the monster, and Crazy pops her head back into the hut to say, "There's no such thing as monsters." And that's the crazy one talking.

Sayidistan. "You have to execute her," says Lt. Other Guy. "This will send a message to the other insurgents." So Sayid has to go back to Nadia's cell and when she flirts, "What did you bring me today?," he has to throw a black hood down at her feet. "Are you going to hurt me, Sayid?" Yikes.

Hut of Mystery. Once Crazy's gone, Sayid busts out of the chair with the screwdriver and grabs the other rifle leaning against the wall. He stuffs what looks like a map Crazy has drawn--either that, or it's one he's drawn while walking around the island--and the rest of his stuff. But he accidentally leaves the photo of Nadia. Still: Yay firearms!

The Island Open, Hurleguay. Jack apparently hits a really good shot or something, and all the extras gathered around watching do the golf clap (hee). Kate teases him about smiling for once, and Jack's all like, "I bust my ass trying to make these people feel safe, and all it took was Hurley building a golf course. Whatever." Meanwhile, Hurley's taking several chunks out of the turf while Charlie tries to explain to him what a mulligan is. Like all rock stars, Charlie is very serious about his golfing. Then Mercutio's Kid comes up to Mercutio, who's waiting for his turn and having a great time and Mercutio's Kid is like, "You left me alone in the cave." "What about [Babymama]?" "She's asleep," says Mercutio's Kid. Mercutio apologizes and says he screwed up and shouldn't have done that and oh, by the way, he has to go play some more golf now. Bad form, Mercutio! Also: Does this mean that Babymama is now alone in the cave? Asses, all of you!

Jungle of Mystery. Scary violins scratch and saw on the soundtrack. Sayid comes up behind Crazy Rousseau with his rifle and says, "Put the gun down." So of course she turns around and points hers at him and now they're locked in a Mexican standoff. Oh, good.

Sayidistan. Sayid is walking the hooded Nadia, which is a really creepy image, down the hall with a couple of lesser grunts and he says, "I'll take it from here" and shoos them away. And then he hurries her into some other room and details this whole escape plan that I didn't catch, but it involves safe passage for Nadia. "Come with me!" she says. Uh, hon? That's deserting. I don't think the Republican Guard looks too kindly on that. "I can't," says Sayid, "they'll kill my family." I'm sayin'. And they keep talking about how much courage Sayid does or does not have and what kind of courage it is and LEAVE, WOMAN! She stops to write something on the back of the photograph from her file--the photograph--and OH MY GOD WILL YOU LEAVE YOU'RE GOING TO GET BOTH OF YOU KILLED AGHHH. Indeed, Lt. Other Guy walks up and finds Sayid and his now-unhooded prisoner confabbing. Brilliant. So Sayid shoots him (!), and then he shoots himself in the leg (!!) and says, "There, you shot us both and escaped. Take the gun and run." I have to assume here that he actually killed Lt. Other Guy, because otherwise Lt. Other Guy would recover and be like, "Except that's totally not the way it happened, SAYID." And Nadia just stands there staring at Sayid and wibbling and RUN YOU STUPID HOR! So finally she escapes. I guess.

Jungle of Mystery. Sayid tells Crazy Rousseau that he doesn't want to hurt her and she's like, "You already have," and--what? Because he wouldn't do the nasty with her? Look, honey, if withholding sex were all it took to hurt someone, Sayid would be a wanted man. (Insert "already a wanted man" joke here.) So Sayid pulls the trigger, because Crazy is totally going to kill him, only... the gun doesn't fire. "The firing mechanism has been removed. Robert didn't notice it either," she says, and Sayid is like, "OMG YOU KILLED THEM" and Crazy Rousseau crazies that they were already lost (har) and they were sick and "it took them, one after the other." Sayid throws his rifle away and says, "Look! I'm not sick!" And she's like, "I know. But I can't let you go! Don't you understand--do have someone to talk to, to touch..." Dude! You can go live with the other castaways. I'm sure Kate has a few men she can spare you. And Sayid blurts out, "You'll find me in the next life, if not in this one," and Crazy Rousseau's all like, "Awww, that's so deep," and he's like, "No, that's what Nadia wrote on the back of the photograph," and basically he says that he knows what it's like to hold on to someone and push other people away instead of moving on. Which is... not really Crazy Rousseau's problem, since she's more than happy to leech onto Sayid, but good for you, man. So finally she sits down all mournful in the jungle and Sayid comes over to her and says, "You don't have to be alone." Kate's gon' be jellussss, y'all. But Crazy sends him away, saying, "Your people--watch them. Watch them closely." And just because he can't let it go (RUN, SAYID! RUN BEFORE SHE CHANGES HER MIND!), Sayid asks, "Who is Alex?" Alex? Was her child. Ohhhhh.

(By the way, I want you to notice that nowhere are we told that Nadia did not successfully escape. "She's dead. Because of me" is totally an exaggeration, if not a complete misconception.)

Then there is a sneak preview of Desperate Housewives that involves a mechanical bull and Teri Hatcher falling all over herself and it's not so much with the funny.

The Island Open, Hurleguay. Charlie misses his putt and shouts "BOLLOCKS!" He shoots Jack an evil look and the castaways start betting on whether Jack can sink his putt, and then Sawyer pipes up, "Two tubes of sunscreen and a flashlight says he chokes." Everyone's like, UH, YOU. Then Kate steps forward and says, "I'll take that action." Too many... jokes... ack... bomchickameter... fiery explosion... send help...*thud* And Boone says he'll take it, too (ooo, dirty), and Snicker Bitch says, "You just bet on him, moron," and Boone says, "Yeah, but we need the sunscreen, princess," and hee. Jack putts. Cut to:

WHIFF. Knife #286 from Locke's Box of Sharp slams into a tree. He turns around and there's Mercutio's Kid watching him. "Does your father know you're here?" Walt's too starry-eyed to answer coherently. Then he asks if Locke will teach him to do that. Locke thinks about it for a good long time, and then... he hands the knife over. I don't like this.

Jungle of Mystery. Sayid hobbles through the forest using the rifle as a crutch and he can hear the crazy whisper voices. The end. What? For real, y'all.



Two weeks from tonight: Babymama wakes up shrieking that someone's trying to hurt her baby. Jack starts to wonder if she's just having nightmares, but Charlie insists it's not just in her head. Also, Charlie tells Claire that he will protect her, and it is uber-cute.

(More recaps)




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