Previously On: We get the French signal scene from the pilot almost in its entirety, minus some Snicker Bitch freak-outing. Sayid tells Kate that he will walk
the earth the island. Whee.
The Not-So-Sunny Clairribbean: We open with an Extreme Eye Close-Up, which we haven't done in a while, to the sound of a baby crying. The eye belongs to Claire, Babymama of the Apocalypse, of course. She does the Gasp! I Sit Up From My Nightmare! thing, but when she looks down, she's not pregnant at all, and there's a baby still crying in the jungle. So of course she wanders out there, and she finds Locke... playing cards? ...at a table? ...with a lamp? Babymama's all like, "What's happening?" and Locke's all like, "You know what's happening," and she's like, "Uh, no, I don't, because if I did, I WOULDN'T BE ASKING YOUR CREEPY ASS KTHNX," and Locke's all, "It was your responsibility, but YOU gave him away," and he looks up, and HE HAS ONE BLACK EYE AND ONE WHITE EYE AHHHHH. Seriously, it's like he just has two marbles in his head.
Claire staggers away to find a crib in the jungle. As one does. There's a little mobile of an Oceanic plane bobbing over it (hee). She starts pawing through five thousand empty blankets and finally comes up with a pool of blood and then Charlie grabs her and she sort of half-wakes up, wandering around back at The Commie Sharefest of Cavetown. And then she loses her shit but good. I thought Snicker Bitch could lose the shit, but man, I hadn't seen anything yet. Emilie de Ravin just goes to town with the shrieking and she starts slapfighting at poor Charlie and gasping and--guess what? There really is blood on her hands OH NOES.
Dr. Captain Hero Jack's Consultation Cave. Jack observes that she must have had a really bad nightmare, and Babymama's like, "Nightmare?" And Jack's like, "Well, you dug your fingernails a quarter inch into your palms, and Charlie just barely stopped you from sleepwalking into the fire, and you woke up EVERYONE ON THE ISLAND, so YEAH, I think it was pretty bad." And somewhere, far over the mountain, a polar bear rolls over and grumbles itself back to sleep. Jack's still asking questions: Was her OB-GYN in Sydney good? Was s/he okay with Claire flying in her third trimester? Claire says yes on both accounts. Claire is a very bad liar. She adds that the baby was declared "very healthy." Again: lying badly. Jack asks how many weeks along she is, but Claire's already got the Thousand-Yard Stare of Impending Flashback (tm TWOP) on.
Sydney flashback. Claire and her boyfriend Thomas are spazzing out over a pregnancy test. "Is it pink?" "It's red," says Thomas, which is pregnancy-testese for "Dude, you are so screwed." In fact, I think that if you mail the red ones, in, they send you a free case of Pampers. Thomas starts wibbling that tests aren't always right, there was that uncle of his who was tested for testicular cancer, and Claire shrieks, "But he DID have it! Thomas, HE'S DEAD!" Great example, Thomas. They run around the apartment in circles freaking out, until finally Thomas is all like, "If we wanted to, we could do this." Claire protests that "Mom would disown me," but apparently Mom's already done that, pretty much. Thomas lays out his glorious financial family plan, which involves Claire's $5-an-hour job at the Fish 'n' Fry and "[his] painting." Oh God. I have never heard anyone refer to "their painting" in a way that turned out well (another tip from me to you). Thomas is like, "This could be like..." Several minutes pass. "...I don't know." Babymama, hon? You need to ditch this goober. Thomas finally manages to complete a thought and adds, "This could be... the best thing ever." Then he says that he loves her. She doesn't reply.
The Diplomatic Embassy of Katebabwe. Jack teases Kate about just standing around on the beach doing nothing, and she's like, "No, I'm sinking." Apparently sinking in the sand was something she used to do with her mom. Yeah. They kind of stand there for a moment, because the whole People We Will Never See Again thing is kind of awkward. The Island Open must have really agreed with Jack, because he bounces back pretty quickly with, "New plan: You're gonna sink your way right off the island. Sayid would be proud." And she gives him this look. Now, at first I thought he said, "Society would be proud," which--okay, that's kind of funny. And then she gives him this grim look and I thought it was totally about the whole I Am a Fugitive With a Heart of Gold Scorned by Society thing, and I was like, Oh, shit, Jack's done stepped in it again. And then Kate says, "He's been gone for a week," and I realized he'd said "Sayid." Sigh. Anyway, Jack's come down to the beach to trade fresh water for fish, and to tell Kate that Claire's going to have the baby soon. Uh-oh. Kate gives him another, more alarmed look, but she seems to have run out of WHAT!s. Maybe a new supply is on back-order.
The United Emirates of Charlie Arabia. Claire and Charlie are out bonding in the jungle over tea, "the one thing that separates us from these savage Yanks." This is a great episode for Charlie, by the way. Charlie describes his own nightmares in haunted tones: "I was driving a bus, and then my teeth started falling out, and in the back of the bus my mum is eating biscuits, and everything smells of bacon." Then he tells Claire that he thinks about how hard it must be for her, alone on this island without her family and about to have the baby, and that he thinks they could be friends. I thought they already were, but okay. "We don't have to do each other's hair or anything, but I'm here if you want to talk," he says huskily, because she's not saying anything. "Charlie..." she says in that slightly-pleading tone that is never, ever good. "Okay," he says sadly, backing off. The Good Ship Charlie Loves Babymama has stalled and is taking on water, people.
Sydney flashback. Claire tells a friend that she's moving into Thomas's loft and everything is peachy and they giggle. Whee, boys are nifty keen! The friend takes Claire to a psychic, who--against all stereotypes and expectations--is a guy, and a very normal-looking one. Well, except for the fact that his face gives me the heebs for some reason, but you see my point. Inside his house, he takes her hands and goes all trancy and says, very casually, "So when did you find out?" Claire's like, "WHAT?" "About the baby." Claire, looking severely wigged out, says, "Two days ago." Then the psychic gets all weirded out and he stands up very abruptly and says, "I can't, here's your money back, I'm not doing this reading, you'll have to leave. NOW." Grrrrreat.
Night falls on Clairwaii. Someone grabs her mouth and there is knify slashing.
Commercials. Some woman trying on slinky evening gowns vamps for... her Buick. Rrrrright. "Does this dress make me look fat, Buick?" Meanwhile, the Old Navy commercials with the stupid faux-Christmas carols and their horrible cramped, rhythmless lyrics are driving me batshit. Crimes may possibly be committed because of these commercials. I do like the Capital One spot with the Vikings who ravage the mall to the strains of "Carmina Burana," and you know I'm a sucker for "Carmina Burana" or any reasonable facsimile thereof. There's also a big "Watch Lost next week, when we have a big preview for Flight of the Phoenix!," and before you roll your eyes and change the channel, keep in mind that Miranda Otto is in it. Merry + Eowyn 4evah!
Terror on the Clairribbean, Night 2. Claire is shrieking like a champ, y'all. Charlie and Jack and Ethan (you know, that guy) all run up and she says that she couldn't see who it was, he ran away. Charlie races off all "Tally ho! Let's get the bastard!" Then Claire mentions to Jack and I think Mercutio (and this is the only time you'll see him) that she was stabbed in the belly with a needle, and Jack looks under her shirt to check, and he and Mercutio look at each other like, "Yeah, that totally didn't happen."
The Jungles of Hurleguay. The cavedwellers are combing the perimeter with torches and Hurley comes up to Jack and says, "I'm out here looking for some psycho with Scott and Steve, and all of a sudden I'm like, WHO THE HELL ARE SCOTT AND STEVE?" Heeeeeeeee. "Hurley's not even my real name, my real name is Hugo Reyes, and Hurley's just a nickname I have. And I'm not telling you why." Jack's all like, "...?" To sum up, Hurley wants to take a census of the castaways because "someone's getting hurt or punched or stabbed every other day around here." Well, touché. Ironically, it's only the big-name characters who are punching and stabbing each other, but the man has a point nonetheless.
Charlie drapes a blanket around Babymama by the fire. If she wants to close her eyes, he'll be there with her all night, and he won't let anyone get her, and he won't leave her. The internets swoon. Claire does not. Feh.
Sydney flashback, Thomas's loft. Babymama is hanging very simple sheer drapes on the window, nattering on about how she associates drapes with being grown-up. Thomas looks really cabin-feverish as Claire reports that friends called to see if they wanted to go out. She's pretty far along, but she says this as if it's perfectly possible for them to go out together, so it's not like she's being a total scary housewife about it. And then Thomas is all like, "Claire? I can't do this." Oh, you fucker. "This isn't working. You knew that." Claire: "WHAT?" Sing it, sister. "There's always some plan, some responsibility, somewhere we have to be!" whines Thomas. Jesus, you numbfuck, it's called adulthood. The guy is late-twenties at the least. Sack up and get a hold of yourself, man! (Wait. I think that came out wrong.) "You said we should do this!" cries Claire. "Well, I've changed my mind. What about my painting? What about my life?" And then he accuses her of skipping her pill and he walks out. KILL.
The sunny beaches of Locke Lomond. Hurley is still... censing... and Locke is, like, tanning boar hide with an aloe wedge or some shit. "Is this about your census?" he says. "Who's checking up on you?" "Uh... " Hurley pauses for a couple of centuries here. "Me?" Heh. They talk about Locke's full name and where he lived--I forget exactly, but he may have said Texas--and his reason for travel: "I was looking for something." "So, did you find it?" "No, it found me." Hurley's like, O...kay, that'll be all then.
Diplomatic Embassy of Katebabwe. A few yards away, Jack is telling Kate and Charlie that nothing may have actually happened to Babymama, outside some really nasty dreams. Charlie takes exception to this and defends Babymama's honor, until Kate is finally like, "HEY." It's not "WHAT!," but it'll do. Jack adds that Claire is due "in little more than a week, maybe two." Ye gods. And wigging out over bad dreams could trigger early labor, which, in the absence of instruments and anesthetics (Jack points out), would be really, really bleak.
Jungles of Hurleguay. Ethan is shaking coconuts down from a tree when Hurley shows up to cense him. His last name is "Rom." He's from Ontario, so Hurley's like, "Yeah, I love Canada! Great... uh..." And Ethan laughs, like, "Yeah, I can't think of anything either." Heh. Poor Canada, always getting the shaft.
Cavetown. Claire is writing in her journal and jumps when Jack comes in. He tells her, very gently, that the stress of the crash and surviving on the island could easily mess with her head, and that pregnant women often have extremely vivid dreams, so he suggests she take some "mild, common sedatives" he got from a little pharmacy he likes to call "That Louis Vuitton Suitcase Over There." Claire's furious that he doesn't believe her, grabs her stuff, and storms off to the beach: "I'm sick of everyone telling me what to do!" And then Charlie's like, "What did you say to her!" and he runs off after the Babymama.
Flashback: Claire goes back to the psychic and asks him to try again. This time his first question is, "When did he leave you?" He looks like he feels sorry for her. (I think Claire says, "A week ago.") "Is that why you didn't want to do it?" she asks, meaning the first aborted (yikes, bad choice of words there) reading. "No, something else. I saw something blurry." Blurry is apparently bad. "Are you sure you want to know?" God, when people say that on TV shows, because half the time, characters are like, "You know? I guess I really don't." Apparently on Veronica Mars last night, Veronica [swipe for spoiler] had a chance to find out who her real father is (or is not), but she tore up the results rather than read them. WHAT. EVER. Claire is at least sensible enough to be like, "Look, I didn't come all the way down here and pay you $200 just to not know things." So the psychic goes all trancy again and his breathing is strained and he starts looking really, really disturbed. "I can tell you--this is important. It is crucial that YOU raise this child. The father of his child will play no part. This child [cannot be] parented by anyone else--danger surrounds this baby. Your aura, your spirit, your goodness must be an influence." Claire's like, "Uh, if we don't get back together, I'm giving the baby up for adoption." "THERE CANNOT BE ANOTHER!" shouts the psychic, like, chill out, Highlander. "You must not allow another!" Claire's furious but he gives the money back, shouting, "The baby needs your protection!"
Still in the flashback: the phone rings in the middle of the night. It's the psychic (!). "You've got to stop calling me," she says (!!). The psychic replies, "I've been telling you for months [!!!]. I know that you're doubting your decision to give up the baby. I have a plan." Dude is giving me the wig. Like, this is far beyond the call of customer service, y'all. Claire hangs up on him.
Sunny beaches of Snickerbitchapan. Hurley is getting his census on with Boone and Shannon, who gives her information as "Shannon Riverford [I think?], age twenty, residence: Craphole Island." Meanwhile, Boone is protesting on the grounds that "maybe we're not cool with you setting up your own Patriot Act." Snicker Bitch apologizes for her brother: "He's a liberal." Heh. Hurley explains that they're doing this because "the pregnant girl was attacked," and Snicker Bitch shrieks, "WHAT? I AM SO NOT MOVING TO THE RAPE CAVES NOW." And then Boone points out that the census would be much easier if Hurley just laid hands on the flight manifest. Who took it? "Who do you think?"
Sawyerland, Sworn Enemy of Cavetown. Sawyer is kickin' it with Watership Down in his tent, and apparently his edition is in Sanskrit or Klingon or something, because I've never seen anyone take so long to read one little book. He is also rocking a pair of leopard-print sunglasses with orange lenses (thank God for the pimp smugglers). Hurley walks up and says, "I'm gonna lay it out straight. You have the flight manifest. I want it, and I need you to give it to me. Now, you could tell me to screw off"--Sawyer, smiling: "Screw off!"--or you could give it up. You need the points, man." "Well, gee, you sure know how to butter a man up, Stay-Puft," says Sawyer. "The manifest is in the brown bag over there." Heh. Well played.
Back in the jungle, Charlie catches up to Babymama, who asks, "Why did you come after me?" She doesn't sound entirely thrilled about this, by the way. "Because I like you," says Captain Obvious of the Good Ship CBL. "You just want to rescue me, because of this," she complains, pointing to her belly. You know? I'd take what I could get if I were umpteen hundred months pregnant on a desert island, sweetheart. Then she stops and grimaces in pain.
Commercials. "Nick and Jessica's Family Christmas" makes me feel tired. There's also a commercial for the two-hour Alias premiere in January. The "What's your name?"/ "My name is Ima... Ima Gonnakickyourass" thing is lame, though.
Jungle. Claire is having contractions, so Charlie starts timing them with a count of "One-sugarplum fairy, two-sugarplum fairy..." Seriously, do people in Britain say that? Here we usually say "One-Mississippi." Do y'all not have a nice four-syllable place name you can use? Anyway. Claire's all like, "Jack! Go get Jack," but Charlie is apparently an expert on delivering babies, because he has, after all, watched a lot of ER in his day. Then he starts babbling, "I know lots about this--lemme explain. I'm a drug addict. I mean, I was, I'm not now--" Claire: "GET JACK." Charlie: "Okay!"
Sydney. Claire is sitting in a giant plush lawyer's office (the office interior is plush, not the lawyer. No one would ever hire, you know, Tickle Me Attorney or anything). She has to sign away all her rights to ever see the baby again, but she gets an "additional" payment of $20,000 after the delivery. DAMN. She asks the adoptive mother to sing "Catch a Falling Star" to the baby sometimes, because her father used to sing it to her, and of course that's awkward. But she's going to sign the papers. And then the lawyer's pen doesn't work. And then the lawyer's other pen doesn't work. The adoptive mother ponies up a pen to the sound of sad, sober violins. Claire has "C" down on the signature line when she stops and says, "I'm sorry. I can't do this." The adoptive mother shrieks "WHAT? NOOOOOO!," except it sounds more like "NAOOOOU!" I imagine it's hard to get jerked around like that if you're really desperate to adopt, though. Woe.
Babymama goes back to the psychic: "What's your offer?"
Charlie is racing through the jungle back to Cavetown when he stumbles upon Ethan: "Get Jack! Claire's having the baby!" And he runs back to Claire. NO CHARLIE NOOOOO! NOT SHIFTY ETHAN! FIRE BAAAAD! ETHAN WORRRRSE! But he goes back to Claire and Lamaze coaches all over her. It doesn't seem to bother Claire, but I would have backhanded darling Charlie at that point. "Someone promised me it would be different," she gasps. "He was wrong!"
So, the psychic. "You spent the last four months telling me [to keep the baby]. Now you're giving me moey and telling me I don't have to?" says Claire. "Yes, that is exactly what I said just before this scene started," says the psychic. "There's a couple in LA who will keep the baby safe. I appreciate that you must think I'm a raving madman, but this is what MUST happen." He'll give her a total of $12,000--half now and half after delivery--and the couple in LA "aren't strangers. They're good people." This whole story is très sketch in its vagueness, but Babymama buys it.
"A psychic?" says Charlie. "I know," says Claire. "It's embarrassing, and after everything, he was just full of it." And then Charlie comes to an unsettling conclusion: "Well, all he wanted was for no one else to raise your baby, right? Maybe he knew [the plane would crash]. If he had the gift, and I believe some people do--maybe he knew." Claire quickly flashes back to the psychic saying, "It has to be this flight. It can't be any other. Flight 815... Flight 815." "There was no couple in LA," she says, the truth dawning on her. "He knew. He knew about the plane, he knew what was going to happen. Oh my God, he knew."
Hey, it may be even worse than that. As my mother points out, how far ahead could the psychic see? Did he intend for Claire to be on the plane so it would crash and she would survive and be forced to raise the baby herself... or so she and the baby would be killed?
Commercials. My local affiliate wants you to tune in at ten to learn about a new craze: the Jesus Diet. No, really.
The jungles of Sayidistan. Sayid comes power-hobbling through the jungle back to Cavetown-on-Dead Pool.
Clairwaii. The contractions seem to have stopped. Charlie wonders where Jack could be and looks distressed, but magically the contractions stop and Babymama says she feels fine. He admits that Jack said that stress could cause false labor, and says proudly, "Birthing emergency averted! I told you I would take care of you." She agrees to go back to Cavetown, and Charlie is positively glowing.
Cavetown. Sayid staggers in, babbling about the French woman and the castaways not being alone, while Jack calls for water and Locke watches from the shadows, perturbed.
Charlie and Claire are walking back, and the baby kicks, and she presses Charlie's hand to her belly. Awww.
Hurley comes running into the caves. "We got a problem!" He's compared the names of all the survivors to the flight manifest, AND ONE OF THEM ISN'T ON IT. "He wasn't on the plane!"
Claire and Charlie run into Ethan, who says, "Hello there." Charlie's like, dude, where's Jack, THE DOCTOR I SENT YOU TO GET? Ethan just stares at them and doesn't say anything. OH GOD IT'S ALEX, ISN'T IT?
(Actually, I don't think Rousseau is old enough to be Ethan's mother, so maybe not.)
Preview: "Claire! Charlie!" They are missing. Sayid says there are others. Sawyer finds Sayid and wants some revenge. Claire screams offscreen, and Ethan says to a pursuing Jack, "If you do not stop following me, I WILL KILL ONE OF THEM." ETHAN BAAAAAD!
Lost 1:10, "Raised by Another"
Previously On: We get the French signal scene from the pilot almost in its entirety, minus some Snicker Bitch freak-outing. Sayid tells Kate that he will walk