January 26th, 2005

galadriel helpful

(no subject)

Breakfast linkspam:

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Yay Mirrormask! The first review from Sundance is good, and the official site, I hear, is updating.

First look at Pocahontas in The New World! Who is... fourteen? And rolling around in the grass with Colin Farrell? Oh dear.

More Beowulf and Grendel pictures, in which things seem to actually be happening. They are starting to win even Vladimir over, which is impressive. (On the official site, there was also a behind-the-scenes picture of a brunette Sarah Polley wearing... something. I don't know. I just wanted to send her a hot oil treatment, stat.)

This is deep, man.

What the hell is going on in the comments of my journal?

I must find a job, otherwise, I will keep remember your stupid essay, stated that you were late, beacasue you were dated ugly Chinese woman, or you fucked ugly, ugly Indian girl in the office.
I'm sick of hearing these.
Oh, he had personal trainer at gym, beacause he was going to merry the UGLY Indian girl,
Oh, how wonderful.
Please give me the money back!

Aaaaand the rant meme going around, since there's no new Lost tonight:

1. Comment with almost any subject that you would like me to rant on, with possible definite swearing involved. Any subject - I don't even have to agree with it. [I am going to alter this to say NO POLITICS, because I like the current level of civility in my journal. Have me rant about the evils of cheese or Paris Hilton or something. Scratch that--cheese is a blessing unto us all. I can't rant about that.]

I'm also stealing Eso's caveat that she stole from Ces: Though if I can't make it funny I'll have to skip it, hence the "almost".

2. Watch my journal for your rant.

3. Post this in your own journal, so that you may rant for others.
  • Current Mood
    hungry hungry

First five rants

For theatre_angel: Oh, Paris Hilton. Please. :-)

"Hi, I'm Paris Hilton. I first became famous for being rich, and then used my wealth to become more famous, which in turn... well, it didn't really make me richer, because my perfume sucks, my single tanked, and I spend most of what I earn on nose candy and tiny dog sweaters. As for my acting career, I am best known for 1) amateur porn and 2) a reality series in which my best friend and I desperately compete to see who can out-stupid and out-asshole the other. Not for money or anything--just to see if we can. I don't wear underwear, and I let the paparazzi know it when at all possible. [Editor's note: MY EYES!] I am selfishly hoarding massive amounts of fame that could be given to vastly more deserving people, such as that American Idol contestant who got booted in the first thirty seconds for being 1) tone deaf and 2) mildly retarded. No, the other one. No, the other one."

For robyn_ma: Cheese sculpted in the shape of Paris Hilton. :)

Only Paris Hilton would be so megalomaniacal as to order a cheese statue of herself. Even Michael Jackson stopped at giant metallic alloys. And what poor cheese would have to suffer such an indignity? Would we make one cheese bear the burden? Could you ask such a sacrifice of the noble cheddar? Would you so offend the delicate sensibilities of the sensitive Brie? Or would this atrocity be shared among many? And if you sculpted Paris Hilton piecemeal out of many cheeses, what raunchy Cheese of Disease would you possibly choose for her... You know what? Don't answer that. I don't even want to know. Jesus, people, what did cheese ever do to you? Cheese just wants to love you.

For luna_k: Give me a rant on the most overrated (in your opinion) Academy Awards nominee. Can be an actor, director, or movie.

"Hi, I'm Clint Eastwood. I make Very Serious American Movies About Very Serious American Things, including but not limited to murder, death, wrongful death, homicide, and old guys in space. Who probably die. And while that's great and all, this year I was nominated not just for Best Director for Million Dollar Baby, but also for Best Actor, knocking out either Liam Neeson or Paul Giamatti. (Look, you can't blame me for both of 'em. Cheadle's gotta take some responsibility here--hey! What do you mean, "He actually does more than squint gruffly"?) But you should vote for me because--hey, I've been squinting gruffly for something like two hundred years now, and I'm not gonna stop until I get an acting award. And while we're at it, I should clearly win Best Director (again), because I managed to pull a Best Actor performance from myself."

For peloquyn: Please rant for me about "netspeak."

[Adapted from something I said on the matter way back on... OMG, January 23rd of last year. That's three days away from being rilly, rilly freaky.]

Okay, look. I don't know why this is so hard for people to understand, so I'm going to speak slowly and make handpuppet motions in the hope that you will get it this time. On the internet, people cannot see you. Even if you post a picture, no one can prove that's actually you and really, I don't give a shit what you look like anyway. So, in lieu of a visual, your words stand in for your face. In a text-based medium, you are what you write. Typing like the syphilitic spawn of ee cummings and a crack monkey (omG im not a monk3y u r a stoop1d hw0re lOL!!!111!) is the visual equivalent of showing up for your school picture in red leather chaps, a dirty bikini, and a dozen infected piercings. So basically, like Xtina. You don't want that, do you?

For the_wanlorn: May I request a rant on... Computer speakers. Specifically, the cloth-covered ones (as opposed to the hard ones with little holes poked in the... hard stuff).

I dunno, man. I usually wear headphones, so I don't really know anyway. Well, I do have the hard hole-poky speakers now, on a bar mounted on my new flat screen (*cuddles*). My old speakers were cloth-covered, and... actually, they were punk-ass little bitches. By the end, they were shorting out all the time, and they took up too much space, and they were falling over and off the desk all the time, and--you know, you're totally right. DEATH TO CLOTH-COVERED SPEAKERS! FUCK Y'ALL AND THE CORDS YOU'RE ATTACHED TO! TO HELL WITH YOUR CLOTH AND THE STARVING INDONESIAN CHILDREN WHO WOVE IT! BITCHES. *spits*


Five more rants

For jonnorthwood: Might I request, then, a rant on the evils of allowing children in movie theatres?

Ah, a request close to my heart. Dear Parents: If you DARE take a two-year-old to any movie rated higher than PG and I happen to be there, I will introduce you to a brave new world of PAIN. It's bad enough that I ended up seeing King Arthur with my mother, but it is absolutely INSUPPORTABLE that I was already sitting next to her during the oh-so-not-PG-13 sex scene and then we both hear from the front of theater, clear as day, "Momma, why is he hurting her?" NO NO NO. NOOOOOOOOOOO. And if you bring your blessed sprog to Phantom of the Opera and I happen to be there, I will SLAY. YOU. You don't even want to know the things I heard come out of the mouth of a wee innocent child--again, in the front row! what is with the front row?!--all throughout that movie. Okay, so you do want to know. Let's just say that it started off with, "Momma, where is he taking her? Momma, why is he touching her? Does she like that, Momma?" and it just went wayyyyyy the fuck downhill from there.

For shoiryu: Rant for me about THOSE DAMMED DIRTY FURRIES.

"Hi, I'm a damned dirty furry. No, not one of those furries who just likes to draw anthropomorphic animals. Or even anthropomorphic animals doing the freaknasty. Or who think they themselves are or were in a previous life anthropomorphic animals (freaknasty optional but preferred). No, I'm one of those furries who gets his jollies inside a mascot fursuit. I particularly freaked Cleo out at that basketball game where I kept rubbing up against people surreptitiously in a panther suit. Or maybe I was just trying to push through the crowd to get back to my post before the end of halftime. She's not sure. All she knows is that it freaked her out because she'd just read that infamous Vanity Fair article, and she's pretty sure that I went home afterwards and opened the secret hole in the front of my fursuit and proceeded to violate several stuffed animals. Don't lie, you know Wish Bear was asking for it with that pretty mouth of his."

For telesillaIf you still have a rant in you, could you share your feelings on fangirls who dis their favorite actors' female co-stars?

"Hi! I'm a fangirl! Like most of you, I love a lot of different movies, but right now I'm all up in Phantom of the Opera, so I have to say: Isn't Emmy Rossum just the most vapid talentless WHORE of all time? I mean, look at the way she sluts around in that movie in all those corsets all over my boyfriend Gerard Butler! I mean, never mind that there wouldn't be any sexing up to watch in the first place if she weren't there to be sexed up... upon... and... stuff. I was clearly available to film this movie and yet, somehow, no one ever got in touch with me. I'm sure Emmy stole my number out of the director's Filofax. It's awful and terrible and she should DIE. P.S. The bitch thinks she can sing but she totally can't.

"Oh, you think you've got it bad? At least they're just pretending! I'm a Lost fangirl, and my heart was broken last week when Dom and that SLUTBITCH WHORETRAMP EVANGELINE LILLY revealed backstage at the Golden Globes that they are totally in wuv. I mean, not that they actually came out and said so like it was any of our business, but it was OBVIOUS. I mean, she was letting him kiss on her all night! How dare she! And they look really happy together, too! The NERVE of that bitch, having a relationship with another consenting adult to their mutual happiness and satisfaction! Why can't she just LEAVE HIM ALONE so he can tape my favorite TV show by day and lie awake at night and dream of me Elijah Wood his adoring fans? ISN'T THAT FULFILLING ENOUGH?"

For t4_flirt: Nick Carter, on his once having dated Paris Hilton.

"Damn, what was I thinking? Multiple STD medications are expensive, yo."

For lezopez: I would love to see a rant on the absurdness of Botox, which pisses me off to no end (Nicole Kidman, darling, you used to be beautiful. WTF?).

"Hi, I'm Baz Luhrmann. I hate it when actresses Botoxify themselves, because while it smoothes out fine wrinkles, it also smoothes out ANY SEMBLANCE OF EXPRESSION WHATSOEVER. Also, several crewmembers were blinded after the beams from a Klieg light struck a certain overshiny forehead too directly... what? Oh, no, I'm just talking about actresses in general. You know. That I've directed. Like... lots of them. What? Oh... well... I directed Romeo + Juliet... yeah, Claire Danes was really young. Yeah, I'm pretty sure she wasn't Botoxing. So there was that, and Moulin Rouge... No! No! I've directed other stuff, too! Like, you know, that "Everybody's Free to Wear Sunscreen" thing that didn't actually have any people in it, and that Chanel commercial with...

...I have to go now."


A multitasking rant

For emilytarot: Mmmm, if you're not already loaded down with ze rant, the tendency of actresses in movies and TV-shows to go to bed and sleep with and wake-up with BLOODY PERFECT MAKEUP. Even in the middle of the Jungle! Or Translyvania! would be one I'd love to hear. ^^

For lab_mistress: I would love you until the end of time if you would do a rant on the heroines in EVERY FREAKING ACTION MOVIE fighting and running like hell in high heels and not breaking their ankles in the process >.< Ooohh... and if you could include something in the above rant about the rediculous 'sex me!' clothes they wear while they kick ass, that would be fantastic, too =D

For librisia: Would you please rant about how girl heroes never get to be as fearless/competent/badass as boy heroes?

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msauvage purple

(no subject)

Mmmm. Cheese sammich. I love you too, cheese.

My rants aren't really rants, are they? I think the only true "rants" I posted were about netspeak and children in movie theaters. (And the computer speakers, but... I still have no idea what's so terrible about the cloth covers. I just rant when I'm told.) For some reason, I've been feeling exceptionally mellow today. However, the rants (or "rants") have been great warm-up exercises for the Titanic sample I'm having to write, so... yay!

(Yes, I will be doing more. I just have to pace myself.)