February 26th, 2012

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Heads up

In theory, I will, in fact, be doing an Oscar liveblog in the grand old tradition. I have been having some health problems, though, and since we're talking about blood pressure spikes and dizzy spells, it's a little harder to just shrug it off. Less seriously, I'm mostly in panic mode because we've got a Billy Crystal song/montage/whatever it is he does coming up, and those are hell to recap in progress. ("I can't understand what he's singing! Now he's interacting with footage of a movie I have not seen! Drag, really? OH GOD WHAT IS HE DOING WITH THAT HORSE?!") Anyway. I will do my best.

@fuggirls: PLEASE, Hollywood, stop enabling Sacha Baron Cohen. "The Dictator" looks SO TERRIBLE. OMG. -H #oscars

@StessRingold: @fuggirls @cleolinda Did you see him "accidentally" spill Kim Jong-Il's ashes on Ryan Seacrest? Yeah. Please just stop, you are not funny.

@particle_p: I don't know, ashing Seacrest raises my opinion of Baron Cohen.

@cleolinda: I will say, the bit at the end of the Dictator trailer where he starts shooting the other runners made my mother laugh.

@fuggirls: A Fug National is at the Oscars and apparently E!'s security team is PISSED about the SBC stunt. - J

Oh dear.

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Oscar liveblog #4

"That win for Octavia Spencer is what the Oscars is all about," says Crystal, who is not at this moment wearing blackface, and then makes a joke about how he wanted to hug the first black person he saw after he saw The Help and was in an area where there were no black people.

RT @SmartBitches: "That moment with Octavia was what the Oscars is all about." Good thing you rushed her offstage so you could come on and make racist jokes.

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Oscar liveblog #6

I'm not even dignifying this Melissa McCarthy seducing Billy Crystal in a pink robe bit with one more second of my time. It's to introduce Ben Stiller and a statuesque Emma Stone, who has a massive red bow vampiring her neck, presenting Visual Effects. "This is my first time presenting an award!" she oozes, basking in the stage lights. She is about three hundred feet taller than Stiller. "We should have some banter! Where people laugh at you but you seem okay with it? We should have a song! I should pull someone up from the audience!" And then it goes from really funny to a gigantic train wreck. "Get up here Jonah! Let's dance!" Out in the audience, Hill makes a (scripted) CUT IT OUT gesture. Stiller, disapprovingly: "You don't want to be the presenter who tries too hard." "Oh," says Stone, turning on him, "you mean, like the guy who dressed up like Avatar? Or in a lime green unitard?" Okay, the whole thing was worth it for that statuesque BURN.

Visual Effects

    "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2"
    Tim Burke, David Vickery, Greg Butler and John Richardson
    Rob Legato, Joss Williams, Ben Grossmann and Alex Henning
    "Real Steel"
    Erik Nash, John Rosengrant, Dan Taylor and Swen Gillberg
    "Rise of the Planet of the Apes"
    Joe Letteri, Dan Lemmon, R. Christopher White and Daniel Barrett
    "Transformers: Dark of the Moon"
    Scott Farrar, Scott Benza, Matthew Butler and John Frazier

I'm so busy trying to type up the Emma Stone business that I only just realized that, since Hugo wins this, Andy Serkis and Planet of the Apes just got robbed.

Billy Crystal: "You know, this is the year we say goodbye to Harry Potter. They made more than 7.7 BILLION dollars, and only paid 14% in taxes last year." Please welcome non sequitur-winning Melissa Leo!

Actor in a Supporting Role

    Kenneth Branagh in "My Week with Marilyn"
    Jonah Hill in "Moneyball"
    Nick Nolte in "Warrior"
    Christopher Plummer in "Beginners"
    Max von Sydow in "Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close"

And the Oscar goes to Christopher Plummer! Please bring some class up into this joint. Viola Davis leads a standing ovation (seriously, she JUMPS to her feet). Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's lipstick are slightly less beneficent this time around. "You're only two years older than me, darling. Where have you been all my life?" he says to his Oscar. "I have a confession to make. When I first emerged from my mother's womb, I was already rehearsing my acceptance speech. Fortunately for you, I have forgotten it." He also thanks his fellow nominees, particularly "dear Max, I am so proud to be in your company." Wait, I just realized that he is wearing a black velvet suit. I need to hit post now.

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